Critique...this...My first ever thread

Ummm...for my firstest ever thread here...I present to you a challenge...

Please....critique the following poem...let me have both barrels as long as your critique doesn't devolve into criticism...
If you like my writing style and wish to read more...then let me know that as well and I guarantee this wont be my last entry here...

However......sniff...if none of you care for it...I'll take my pixels and go home...

To preface...I wrote this poem January 6th 2012...I've always used a #2 pencil to write with and if you have a thirst for more...I'll present another poem which might explain why...


Evolution

I touched the keys, so hesitant...and then
A more determined pressure, to be sure
The answer to the pencil and the pen
A change that, even I, could then endure

These electron pastures, here, expose to me
an evolution, that I had not known
Inclusion in this world, has set thought free
A flow of words, and yes, my thoughts have flown

Goodbye to paper, pen, goodbye to ink
This is no requiem I post to you
I find you there, in paste and cut and link
I find you there and find, that this will do



YouSir

a reply to: YouSir

Nice to see you taking that first big step!

As for the poem, I liked it. Its hard for me to critique poetry though because everyone has such a unique style and you are no different but I enjoyed this piece and look forward to reading more.

I particularly enjoyed the final verse. The only real suggestion I can give is use a more poetic structure, breaking your poem into actual stanzas rather than paragraphs.

a reply to: YouSir

Hmm, I do like.
It's clunky and hesitant at the beginning, as you find your feet and then by the final verse it flows. I love that last part:
"...that this will do"!
It's good enough, I like that.

It's hard changing medium, I agree. I write much better on paper, I find it much easier. If I've got reports to do, I still handwrite them first - they flow better. So I can sympathise and understand what you're saying.
Yes! Write some more! There are some amazing writers on ATS and try to enter the next writing contest too - you might really enjoy it. They're a very supportive group, the contests are fun!

Keep writing though, I love poetry!

a reply to: YouSir

Victory is in taking the first step.

Thank you!

a reply to: CagliostroTheGreat


Ummm...Thank you Cagliostro...I appreciate your commentary...In another thread (unrelated) I mentioned how I was basically a non-conformist...I detest convention...That's why I post the way I do...

That being said...structure and tradition do have their place and it might not be a bad thing to twist myself into their shape occasionally...




YouSir

a reply to: beansidhe


Ummm...Thank you Beansidhe...I totally agree with your clunkage comment...I think that it lies primarily in the last line of the first set...Maybe..."A change that I perhaps, could then endure" ...
I removed one of the pauses and think it flows a little tidier now...What do you think?...Any suggestions...?

I'm thinking of entering a contest but wanted to wet my feet first...(hopefully without ending up...all wet)




YouSir

a reply to: Jamie1


Ummm...Thank you Jamie...

I like that thought...To personally challenge oneself and succeed...one need not necessarily be first to finish...

My profile states that I started two threads prior to this...However I must have been really drunk at the time...cause I have no memory of those no post thread attempts...




YouSir

a reply to: YouSir

I like it clunky - it fits with you just learning, and then as you realise 'this will do', it starts to flow. Very clever, I thought.

Definitely join in the next contest - your feet are wet now, you're still standing...go for it!

a reply to: beansidhe


Ummm...I never thought of it that way...I intended the "evolution" to be a reflection of technological advancement and didn't think for it to define the structure of the poem itself...

Thank you for pointing that out..






YouSir

a reply to: YouSir

"These electron pastures"... Nice. S&F mate! I loved it, keep up the good work!

a reply to: swanne


Ummm...Thank you Swanne...

Sometimes when I'm "web surfing"...it actually feels more like I'm grazing...content...(or is that content)...no matter I think it's one and the same...a kind of fade from pertinence...to the languidly banal...quite stupefying yet never fulfilling...




YouSir