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Has anyone fostered children before, some advice sought.

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posted on Dec, 21 2014 @ 03:05 PM
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I am looking to do some good in the world. I am looking to find a vocation that makes the world a better place and gives me a sense of purpose.

I have an eight year old son from a previous relationship who lives with me 2 days a week and most of the holidays.

My current partner and I have decided not to have children for various reasons which I will not go into detail right now but I feel that I would like to children in my life and she agrees.

I am thinking that fostering would give us the chance to do a genuinley good deed and ensure that many children could recieve help when they need it the most.

I will admit that my reasoning is not purely alturistic. The financial reward would allow me to be a house husband whilst my partner could continue to follow her career, somthing she is very passionate about.

My ex partner was hospitalised for most of her pergnancy with our son and for sometime aftewards and as a result of this was the primary carer for her 3 children and our son for a long time. Her sister fostered 2 boys with learning disabiltys and I regularly looked after them to give her respite.

I have 3 main concerns about the idea, firstly how it would impact my own sons life as this is not something I would want to create negativity.

Secondly is how to bond with a child knowing that they are not going to be in your life forever.

Thirdly and this is something that makes me sick to the stomach is that because my partner is the career driven one and a female will I as a man be subjected to an element of distrust as a man looking to take over the primary care of yound children.

Any thoughts and insight would be warmly encouraged.
edit on 1220141204pAmerica/Chicago2014-12-21T15:16:04-06:0016f16 by nonspecific because: (no reason given)




posted on Dec, 21 2014 @ 03:24 PM
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originally posted by: nonspecific

I have 3 main concerns about the idea, firstly how it would impact my own sons life as that is not something I would want to create negativity.

Secondly is how to bond with a child knowing that they are not going to be in your life forever.

Thirdly and this is something that makes me sick to the stomach is that because my partner is the career driven one and a female will I as a man be subjected to an element of distrust as a man looking to take over the primary care of yound children.

Any thoughts and insight would be warmly encouraged.


1st) probably depends on your kid. he is 8 years old. might be some jealousy there. im sure he's used to it being all about him when he is with you on your days. hard to say how he will handle it.
i know i would be pretty worried about how he will feel when he as to go back home to mom and the new kid gets to hang with dad. might not be an issue but i could worry about it constantly.

2nd) this is a major problem i would have. i think you need to be realistic about it. you may have all the best intentions. you may provide for the kid. you may very well love the kid(hopefully), but through all that, the bond just might not come, you know.
in the end, no matter how you slice it, its not your kid.
i know people do it all the time and they are better people than me.
i couldnt do it.
maybe if everything was fantastic all the time and money and time was never an issue.
i would worry about when the kid is of a certain age and he turns into a little jerk. or if some financial crisis happens and not only do you have to take care or your biological kid, but the new kid as well.

i would be worried that at some point i would resent the kid or try to find a way out.

i admit though, i have a pretty unemotional way of looking at people so for ME, that could realistically happen.

3rd) i dont know how it is where you live(not the US right?) but even if everyone in the process says there would be no looking at you sideways, i would still feel that they would.

good luck man.
thats how i look at it but i dont look at things the same way most people do



posted on Dec, 21 2014 @ 03:53 PM
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My nephews were in foster care when we were located and asked to take them. Three boys. I had two girls already. Even though we were family, we still had to go through the process of becoming "foster" parents. 8 weeks of classes (turned into 12 due to weather, etc.). There was no financial assistance until classes were completed. Then it began 30 days later. It was not a huge amount. DCS is looking to "get the kids off the books" so to speak. They don't want them in the system longer than 18 months without some sort of resolution, either the foster parent adopts OR they return to their bio parent. At least this is the process in TN.
So, they were brought to us the day after Thanksgiving 2012. We became "legal" foster parents in May 2013 and adopted them in August 2013. This was the "tricky" part as you must negotiate the adoption (which DCS is willing to meet your terms, remember, the want them "off the books"). The State paid for the adoption and really THAT was a good outcome for them because the other alternative would have been the boys be in the system for who knows how much longer and that would have cost them more money for a longer period than just the three months we were "fostering" them. You could always set the money aside to give them when they turn 18 if they are still with you when that happens.
Even though they were family and older (14, 12, & 10 at the time) there have been issues with their cousins (my children) and emotional scarring, etc. It's an involved process and your "dirty" laundry will be aired so to speak.. At least in TN, they do very very thorough checks. They even checked on my handicapped 93 year old Mom. THAT ways funny because they never could get fingerprints from her! Anyway, good luck to you! You won't get rich but, if your heart is in the right place, you will be rewarded in other ways. Not all the time, it's not a Hallmark movie for sure but, in my situation, I felt it was MY place to raise them, not the government or strangers!

Hope that helps and if you have any other questions feel free to ask!



posted on Dec, 21 2014 @ 03:56 PM
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As far as my son goes I think that on the whole it could be good for him, his brothers and sisters are all quite a bit older than him, more like aunties and uncles than siblings. I live about 20 miles away from him so when he comes over he has no one to play with other than me and our neighbours daughter but as they get older they are starting to have different interests. He is as most kids are pretty good at adapting to new people.

On the second point I think that it must be part of the job and on reflection people come and people go, I imagine you just have to man up and see the bigger picture.

Third point, after thinking about it I would gladly go through any investigation if it protected the children.

Thanks for the input.

a reply to: Grovit



posted on Dec, 21 2014 @ 04:30 PM
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a reply to: nonspecific

Hello!

This is probably the hardest type of work/love that you could enter. I know of two people that fostered children. The first couple eventually dropped it as it was too much for them. The other one has fostered endless children and as much as she adores children and loves them and would do anything for them she is often burned out and frustrated - not just by the kids, but by the system itself (Canada).

If you truly want to share your love and be a mentor (parent figure) to children who range from mentally traumatized, handicapped physically/mentally, have been abused, have social issues, and those who have no idea of how to be part of a family then I say go for it. If this is simply about money I would advise staying away with a ten foot pole as this will not only impact the child coming into your home and needs above all unconditional love/routine/guidance/safety but it will impact your child hugely and impact you and your partner.

I think if you know what you're getting into and are prepared and are always looking for resources/knowledge on how to understand foster children, etc then you are going to do great. This doesn't mean it won't be without frustration but it will be such a reward for you to know you are sharing of yourself and to be a safe place for the child(ten).

I think those who step up to love and be a safe place for foster children are heroes.

And I also think if you were to give it a try and it didn't work out that it wouldn't be any failure at all. The thing is you would have tried and not many do.

Take care and if you pursue it keep us posted!!!



posted on Dec, 21 2014 @ 04:34 PM
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Please believe me whaen I say this is not about money as far as getting rich and buying things.

The financial aspect would simply allow me to try and do some good in the world and also enable me to do more in the community and also take myself away from the nasty world of business.

I appriciate your comments and would love to spend the rest of my life helping those that have not had the good fortune most of us have.

a reply to: ccseagull



posted on Dec, 21 2014 @ 04:44 PM
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a reply to: nonspecific

Yeah, I didn't think it was about money. Good for you. Unfortunately money makes this world go around and so you have good intentions. It's the intentions and effort that matter.
Edit: what I'm trying to explain while dealing with a headache, sorry, is that yes, you can use the money to help others and so it's like a double positive that you're trying to do. Going to go rest now.

Oh my, if we all had the same attitude as you there would be so little suffering in this world.

You sound level headed and as long as you go in realistically I think you'll know how it'll work. Regarding your son, I think fostering children could really help him develop as a person, get to know some souls and perhaps even make lifelong friendships/family bonds. Equality would have to be the name of the game though as in no favouritism for any child over the other. And if it's too much of a negative experience for your son you could always pull out.

I really do wish you all the best.


edit on 21/12/14 by ccseagull because: (no reason given)



posted on Dec, 21 2014 @ 04:53 PM
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originally posted by: nonspecific
Please believe me whaen I say this is not about money as far as getting rich and buying things.

The financial aspect would simply allow me to try and do some good in the world and also enable me to do more in the community and also take myself away from the nasty world of business.

I appriciate your comments and would love to spend the rest of my life helping those that have not had the good fortune most of us have.

a reply to: ccseagull



Give serious consideration to the possibility that you will end up with a child who has serious emotional problems and may have great difficulty fitting into your family and may, in fact, raise havoc with your family. Have a plan about what to do in the event that that happens. In other words, how far are you willing to go putting your existing family at risk before terminating the foster arrangement? It will certainly take time for any child to adjust to your family and vice versa. If it works out, it will probably be very rewarding.



posted on Dec, 21 2014 @ 04:54 PM
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Here's one thing you have to consider, some of those kids are really damaged. My mom took in foster kids and they would try to molest other kids and also hide knives in their rooms and also try to burn down the house. Your good intentions could turn into a nightmare. I'm not saying don't do it, just be careful who you let into your home.



posted on Dec, 21 2014 @ 05:00 PM
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To both above posts I agree that it is a huge undertaking and something I have given thought now for a few years.

I do not think that you end up being fostered without having issues but that is why it is so important that someone does it.

I am not looking for an easy ride but more to try and help those that need it the most and do what I can to help someone have half a chance in life.

I am still unsure that I am strong enough to take on the challenge.



posted on Dec, 21 2014 @ 05:04 PM
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I hope it didn't sound as if I thought one would do it for the money!
I simply meant that it is not alot of financial assistance and certainly not enough for ME to have stopped working.
I suppose if they would have been younger (toddlers) stopping working would have been something I or my S.O. (we weren't married at the time) would have had to consider.
In TN one really can't be too demanding as far as what children you may foster. I think you can say no once or twice and then, the State will just stop calling you when they have a need. I DID hear some pretty bad stories from people who had fostered. I think that you can PREFER boys or girls. For example, I had girls so, ideally if I were a TRUE foster parent, I would have preferred a girl.



posted on Dec, 21 2014 @ 05:41 PM
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I can relate a little to what you will go through. My girlfriend has three kids and they live with me. My two daughters only stay here one day on the weekend. Except summers. I keep everything as fair as possible and they love being around each other. It is quite the process but you seem like you can wrap your mind around a complicated situation. I'm sure a child would be lucky to enter a home that has a caring adult. Every day is not easy. You probably need to talk to your son quite a bit before going through with it though. It may not work if he isn't on board too. The fact that you are thinking about doing it says a lot and you have a great place to ask for help if you need it.



posted on Dec, 21 2014 @ 05:59 PM
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Eyes wide open.. that's my best advice. The system, the kids, everyone needs people willing to do the hard work to help support the foster care system and I admire *the good people who do it for the right reasons* but understand that altruism only goes so far. When it gets hard that will be tested and you'll need to have a good support system and a plan. I've been in education and mental health field for long time and I am probably speaking from my own place in life. It's hard enough work, I would not take it home. That's not to say that you shouldn't... Best to you


edit on 21-12-2014 by CoaterieSlips because: (no reason given)



posted on Dec, 21 2014 @ 06:45 PM
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I feel like I should say my girlfriend has done social work with children and the disabled for a very long time. I hear all the worst stories out there. There truely are some terrible situations that kids are subjected to. You could be subjecting your son to terrible stories and thoughts and the influences that the other kid could have may leave you with severe regrets.



posted on Dec, 21 2014 @ 07:15 PM
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a reply to: nonspecific

Obviously, from your prior experiences you know that the money is not that good. So go for it as long as your partner fully understands from you what your relationship is facing.

But I would ask if this move is not a fall back position from your getting out and getting a regular job to support the family in addition to her efforts. I'm not talking about simply more worldly comforts but a more balanced relationship between you two without the extenuating circumstances you would face being a foster family.

As for your son's view on it, I would think it would make him very deeply angry even if he prefers living with his mother for the other five days of the week.



posted on Dec, 21 2014 @ 07:34 PM
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I thank you for your honest comments, I must state that the money we would get would do nothing more than assist a solid and happy home.

It would not pay for fancy goods and holidays but my point was that my partner works for an evil big corperation and it pays pretty well. I am in the position in that we could try and do something to give others a better life even though it may impact negitivley on our lives and this we feel is worth it in the long run.

I am aware of the problems that may ensue but feel that it may be the right thing to do for both us and those that may benifit.

I thank you for your input and comments.

a reply to: Aliensun



posted on Dec, 21 2014 @ 07:57 PM
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Never done it but know people who do. It's hard work if they have medical issues.

Your own child , apart from jealousy has to learn to share and may resent doing that. Will he have to share his room with the child? It wouldn't be fair if your child has to make sacrifices to accommodate a stranger, but that's up to you which values you wish to instill in your child. I've just seen children who resent it.

Not sure about your girlfriend thinking the parenting only happens during her working hours. It's a 24 hour job. She should be expected to chip in if she is to be the recipient of the wages. They are usually looking for parents to be equally responsible.

You may indeed develop a resentment to your girlfriend who gets to leave every day while you stay home doing all the childcare. I don't know you though. You might not. Her focus on her career may become too focused.



posted on Dec, 21 2014 @ 11:13 PM
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originally posted by: nonspecific
To both above posts I agree that it is a huge undertaking and something I have given thought now for a few years.

I do not think that you end up being fostered without having issues but that is why it is so important that someone does it.

I am not looking for an easy ride but more to try and help those that need it the most and do what I can to help someone have half a chance in life.

I am still unsure that I am strong enough to take on the challenge.


Please don't take offense, but all of your comments start with "I". What about your partner? Is that person equally enthusiastic or going along for the ride. If it's the latter, you might want to seriously reconsider.



posted on Dec, 22 2014 @ 08:42 AM
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Force of habit, I am unused to using a plural on ats.

We are fully commited to looking into the matter seriously but I would be the primary carer due to my partners career.

a reply to: Tangerine



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