In 2009 I went crazy, OR had immense spiritual experience of an alternate reality....

a reply to: Im a Marty

Hello! This is very interesting, I have this theory where I think that people deemed to be unwell and locked up in institutions are actually the ones that are able to really see what's going on here, like they are seeing the matrix so to speak. Great post! Glad you're feeling better, good luck!

Very interesting story.

Psychotic and spiritual experiences would be pretty hard to distinguish, if they can be distinguished at all, as in both cases one is dealing with something that doesn't agree with commonsense reality. Still, I imagine it would be scary to have reality deconstruct itself around you like that.

The whole theme of alternate superimposing realities reminds me of Philip K. Dick's novels. Don't know if you're familiar with him but his self-biographical book VALIS really came to mind when I was reading your post. Basically, it details an experience he had which, like yours, was either a psychotic episode or a spiritual experience and in which, among other things, ancient Rome was superimposed on 1970's California. He was also institutionalized and would essentially recover. You might find it interesting as it goes into a lot of speculation about the structure of reality and what might have happened to him.

Either way, good to hear you aren't having distressing symptoms now or negative side effects from the meds.

I've read about a lady who was diagnosed with psychosis because she telepathically communicated with her cat after the use of St. John's Wort - which is actually a legal drug (MAO inhibitor). Women are
in general more vulnerable to fantasy land of the right hemisphere. You may mixed some common herbal tea with improper brainwave entrainment like subliminal binaural beats in some third eye opening video. Actually I know personally some folks who suffered like that from these. Even a coffee is a weak MAOI and in some mixture is able to do some job.
Anyway. I think there is a legal alternative for you if you want to get rid of your chemo and not feel agoraphobia and social anxiety. It's cannabidiol. I made a few year trial on myself and I can tell you it works on these too good and
you may feel some antipsychotic side effects like the lack of empathy,compassion and stuff like that. I remember once I tested some 1:1 ratio and I was impressed by the light show on the surface of the water at sunset but I discovered I'm also able to just not care of it or anything. To live in a "LIGAF" mode is not really salutary for life or relationships but it could actually cure your brain. Just remember it's a FAAH inhibitor and you should be carefull like with any other inhibitor 'cause we need to create enzymes in our brains as well as we need neurotransmitters.

And that lady? She may really discovered some third eye mojo or just got her brain out of chemical balance. She wasn't able to handle it (be it this or that) because she was too active. In cases of premature third eye opening I would suggest to throw what you can't handle to the higher centre above the head and higher up to the most high. It's called a prayer.
Or down to the heart center. Eventually a combination.
People like this just want too much and do too much. They also are too much and suffer like animals. They should learn how to stay in "it's not me" mode. Someone would say to not make a karma or to do without doing.
There was once a zen-monk meditating in front of a wall like they use to sit for hours and suddenly he was able to see through it.
He enthusiastically told it to the master and got a slap with a stick.

a reply to: LittleByLittle

More of a joy to fight the wolves to me. which is as I stated I am a trained preadotor because I was THAT way before I joined.
No need to harm innocent people when the next bully is almost within arm's reach,I have mellowed with age so I don't clean out bars anymore,but I want to fight bad. Violence DOES solve a great deal when it must and THOSE are my moments.

a reply to: Im a Marty

Cubase is better than Ableton across the board, good to have both really.

You do not need to be taught to open things like this...

I found just by asking the rest of myself to join me, worked and gave me an even more crazy effect.

I was able to keep it together just barely, I stopped when I hit a point of such vibration that all electronics around me were unable to perform, and when I became so bright that people were staring at me in shock.

Took 3 weeks off of work, did not sleep, did not need too, looked younger everyday, and realized that enormous power is at the potential of all...well maybe not all



If you need medication to be grounded, it is something that needs to be worked on, to find out WHY and HOW to ground yourself, so next time you can take it 1000 times farther, I DARE YOU !!!!

Anyone asking how to get this. Or urging the OP to do it again - I hope you're joking.

Don't go looking for a mind altering episode you can't control. I hope you're stable and well. It sounds simply horrific.

I can't say what happened to you. Were you under any stress? I've got anxiety - it comes and goes. It's altered my mind into a derealized state more than once. NOTHING looked real - I knew it was normal, but It was almost like i didn't recognize it but KNEW what/why the thing was there.

Anxiety/stress can play HAVOC with our minds - Things we don't understand should NOT be experimented with. I know it sounds cool and new-worldy to open up our pineal gland or our third eye etc etc - The fact is we don't know what happens or how to stop it if ever we needed to.

I remember when I went crazy... back in early 2010. Prior to the really weird stuff I started experiencing changes in my vision. Mostly things like trees seemed greener and looked perfect. As if fake. Houses and people had a similar effect. Things just looked neat, clean and perfect as if in a different reality.

THen things went way out there and totally screwed up to this day. They even sing about what happens. it's like the creator inspires people with ideas to do stuff and mess with the mind. This song kind of describes some of it.If you listen to the first few lines it, in a slight way, describes some of the things that can happen to you in this reality.




oh and by what can happen I mean where he says even your emotions have an echo... For me after things went wtf I started experiencing random thoughts of things to do that were usually hatefull then I'd see a story shortly later of what I was just thinking. As if for a few seconds someone would somehow implant ideas and emotions then echo them by perceiving them through news, songs, tv shows etc.

a reply to: ChrisB76728

What I experienced was somewhat bizarre in this case - now I can't recall if this was during the 2009 event, or earlier...

I would watch the news, and they'd repeat a certain name, although it was a news story about a car accident, and then 'for more information call xxx-xxx-xxx-xx'. I had the urge to call, so I picked up the phone, called, and there was a recorded message the other line that said 'enter security pin for activation'.... to which I hung up... That was a weird crazy experience, I wonder if anyone else had called and got the same recorded message for a 'hotline' to find more information.

Either that or I rang the wrong number.

Thank you for sharing your experience Marty. And I'm glad to hear you are keeping both feet on the ground while trying to make sense of this experience, and to integrate it.

I have good news for you; such experiences are not unheard of. They are uncommon so the medical world isn't equipped to deal with them, but there exist good documentation on the subject.

I had a very similar experience 4-5 years ago and I can relate very well with your story.

For me it started with a buzzing sound in my head, a panic attack and a few days of racing thoughts and insomnia. Then the fun started and I had hallucinations just like you for almost 3 weeks. I did not want to go to a psych ward because I had no previous history with psychological problems, and I did not want to be medicated. Maybe that was stupid but it was my decision so I sought asylum in a nearby monastery for almost a week until my parents came back from holiday and picked me up, taking care of me for the next 2 weeks.

During these 3 weeks, I had plenty of time to critically analyse and experiment with this strange world I stumbled into. I like paranormal and spiritual stuff but first and foremost I'm a scientist so I studied myself like a guinea pig.

The first thing I noted was that the hallucinations were caused by sleep deprivation (on top of a psychotic break). I also discovered that hallucination are more than just visuals (like you could get from substances), since reality is being constructed in our mind, when real and strong hallucinations happen you literally start building a new reality around you. You can see and talk to people who don't exist, or more simply like in your case and mine, start experience the world under different "colors" and atmosphere.

I also noted, through experimentation, that the "color" and visions of the world around me was determined by my internal state. When I was afraid or anxious, the sky would turn dark, wind would blow, everything would turn menacing and figures of "demons" and monsters would start appearing.

On the other hand, when I was relaxed and happy, everything would be bathed in light, birds seemed to sing a song of praise to god and it felt like everything was more vivid and vibrant.

I quickly learned that I couldn't trust my senses that much and when I was seeing something odd I would ask to someone for confirmation. Otherwise, without the input of others, my mind would start to literally believe I was able to bend reality. When thinking about something, my thoughts would invade the world around me and become reality. For example I remember walking with my father and thinking "my grandmother is dying" without knowing why. Immediately, I saw the face of my father blemishing and him struggling to stay up, to finally fall on his knees crying. When I asked him later if it happened he said no.

During that time my mind would also speak without any form of censorship. I would say out loud things that crossed my mind, thinking after "why I have said that? It's completely irrational" but it was too late.


It really did feel like I was in a "psychic" alternate reality, I could hear people thoughts and see "auras" and stuff. I also sometimes baffled people I was talking to (when not frightening them because of my psychological state or because I was talking like an intoxicated prophet), telling them about their deepest fears or desires, without knowing where I would get this from. All this happened after a series of event that felt like they were organized to make me experience all this, like it was planned all along and part of a natural process.


I started reading a lot on the subject and found plenty of info on similar experiences.

Basically, psychotic breaks, spiritual emergencies and other life changing experiences (NDE/kundalini rise/...) are in numerous cases very similar. The main difference between both approaches is that a spiritual emergency is part a larger process while a psychotic break is mainly a medical term to describe a symptom. But the two are definitely related in some way and I feel no shame in saying I had a psychotic break, because I also know it allowed me to experience another facet of reality which was both beautiful and dangerous (for the mind and body). I learned a lot about myself and others. In a sense it was like a psychedelic experience times 10 because it lasted for so long.


The most important thing to remember is that it's of course a very subjective experience (since your mind is the one building the vision you have) so your experience was basically a big dive into the inner corners of your psyche. But I agree there's more than that and for me it was a true spiritual crisis because I went from agnostic to pantheist after that. I personally experienced non-duality, I had experiences of prescience, knowing thing before they were announced to me, so naturally the lesson I got from this is that everything is more connected than meet the eye, that nothing is truly separated.

The second most important thing is to know what to make of this experience and how to learn from it, to integrate it.

For that purpose, I can recommend you a book a found very interesting during my recovery because it showed me how these experiences are not unheard of and how to get the best of them. Because depending on how you react to it, both depression or a new start in life can happen. Such experience are deeply transformative, like many spiritual and paranormal experience, so it's important to understand how and why they change us, and what to do afterward.

Here's the book in question, it's written by a M.D. but it also touches more spiritual aspects of the subject so it's both critical and informative. The main dangers with such subjective experiences are projection and self-delusion so it's important to keep a critical mind and to compare your experience with those of others to determine what was universal in it, and what was wishful thinking or simply your fears, hopes, beliefs expressing themselves.

www.amazon.com...

If you have more questions about this topic and what I learned about it I'll be more than pleased to share my findings with you.


Take care!


P.S.: the thing about you feeling fine while looking unwell to others is also common and described in the books. The effect on the nervous system of such experiences are draining and exhausting. It's not uncommon for mystics to get sick or even die after their experiences.

To anyone reading this and thinking "this sounds cool, I want to 'open my third eye too' and experience this" get this and get this well:

It's not cool, and it should certainly not be provoked. If it's meant to happen to you so be it. The only thing you will get from forcing it is a psychotic break and possible psychological scars. There are aspects of my experience I did not shared but it IS a traumatic experience and it can cause a wide variety of very unpleasant things like terror or madness.

It took me 3 years to completely feel OK again and I would not want to wish my experience to anyone, despite all the lessons I learned through it. I literally felt my mind shattering along with reality around me, there is nothing as frightening as feeling you will never be able to be "normal" again. Physical pain felt like a scratch next to that feeling.

One of the funny things I also remember from that time, I remember browsing ATS once (I was mainly avoiding the internet because of the amount of energy I received through it, it was oppressive like walking in a crowded shopping mall when you are sensitive) and I could literally "feel" the emotions of posters through their avatars (pictures/name).

ATS was globally OK even though I remember a few very aggressive energies from a few specific avatars.

On the other hand, I went to this other conspiracy site where there is almost 0 moderation and where people are really much less civic than here (that nest of W.A.S.P.s called god-like something ), and I was literally feeling assaulted by the site itself. I felt the energies of thousands of posters oozing through the screen and submerging me. These energies were mainly frustration, fear, anger and hate.

These energies almost took over me and I felt like arguing with them and telling them how they were wrong and everything, but hopefully I just stepped back from the screen and turned the PC off.


To this day I can still sometimes feel the same energies on some boards but it's much less "physical" and much more intuition. I can still get the same from people too. It just doesn't feel as paranormal though because when you see or read someone you have clues about his mindset. The energies I felt just by opening an internet tab were quite something else though.

originally posted by: Starangel
Hi Im A Marty

I am new to ATS and I came across your thread in the flagged section. I was very moved and thoroughly enjoyed reading your experience that you have bravely shared for all to read. Thank you

Hi wifey, glad that you decided to finally join after many years *grin*

StarAngel, well done on your first post, and yes I'm somewhat glad you found the thread without me linking you.

I suppose now you can discuss your point of view with what occurred to me within those three weeks - or prior to that when I did actually go off the deep end!!

Love ya babe

a reply to: JUhrman

Hi JUjrman, your two posts reached out to me like no other I've read before... It felt as if I was writing what you wrote, it was quite relieving to know that what I am not the only one that has gone through this, but also in hearing your warning - I agree and feel somewhat 'depressed' knowing that if it was a psychotic break, then the label of schizoaffective is quite accurate, and like most schizophrenics and psychotics, we love to believe we are right and the medical establishment is wrong.

My reaction to what I experienced feels as if I had a spiritual emergency. Why I can say this is the difference between this episode and previous ones since 2001. This recent episode i was able to communicate properly, and not have slurry speech or feelings of being detached. The previous episodes were delusions of granduer, belief of superiority as well as the total opposite, thinking and 'believing to be true' that I was the worst person to ever exist on the planet. This alongside beliefs of religious doctrine made me in 2002 think I was the the devil incarnate (or some variation there of).

Forcing myself to not believe in the christian teachings, I then went to study islam, then once another break occured, I started to ask if I was the Dajjal. (Muslim anti-christ/evil person). I then realised, that whatever belief I held, I would make it about me, a form of narcissism, and thats when I recognised and believe that yes, I was actually suffering an illness which has taken 12 years to control and becoming functioning once again. Again though, there were no beliefs of granduer during the event in 2009, it was all visual, and topical, and when I did question 'why' or 'what' was occuring, I can say it is backed up by my wife who went through the ordeal with me.

So in saying all that, I did some research today, and found I wanted to stabalise what I went through, and found 'Kundalini Yoga'. I am starting classes in February next year, and hoping my wife will join me.

I discussed with the instructor and she did state I had gone through a 'premature kundalini activation' and it was not uncommon for people to have these sorts of experiences. She did say, that the difference between a psychotic break and a kundalini experience, is a break is being overwhelmed by it, and the spiritual emergency is being challenged by it, a fine line to say the least.

Thanks again all who replied, much appreciated.

a reply to: Im a Marty

Well then it's not a coincidence I just linked this book about kundalini and spritual emergencies to you I really recommend it it's a very good read. Since that experience I had no shortage of such coincidences, and even if it lead me to dark paths before (narcissism too), I just see them as funny and not think too much about it today, but it does confirm my new belief that nothing is really separated and everything is connected. But it doesn't mean we have to try to give this meaning at all cost. Sometimes it good to just let it be.

Your last reply resonate with me once again, for example one of the thing I said when I wasn't really in control of my words was that I was the antechrist


Rereading what I just posted it also occurred to me that an important aspect of my experience was the fact that sleep deprivation played a big role in what I saw and heard back then.

Normally our subconscious mind is allowed to express during dreamtime, but when it is denied this possibilities for days and weeks like in my case, it starts to do so in the middle of the day. A lot of what I experienced was literally dreaming wide awake, and my subconscious mind giving me its own interpretation of what my senses were recording.

Some kind of reverse lucid dreaming in a sense, while lucid dreaming is the conscious waking up during sleep, my hallucinations were (partly) the subconscious waking up while awake



Also do not feel depressed to know that there is a psychotic aspect to this. As you and I said it, the line between psychotic break and spiritual emergencies is very fine, and it's mainly the circumstances and how we react to it that will classify it as one or another.

Your experience and mine were definitely challenging and life changing, and these are good qualities so it wasn't "just" a psychotic break. It was more and we have both learned much from it.


edit: on top of the book I linked, this site helped me too, as such experience are known inside the mystical tradition (again, fine line...) and gives plenty of good advises regarding all the traps we've been subjected too (delusion of grandeur, projection, ...), but also regarding how to continue to progress and perfect yourself.

www.themystic.org...

The chapters on the left side are very interesting, and written in a very simple and neutral way (no religious connotations even though religions have a tradition of mystical teachings and spiritual crisis too).

a reply to: JUhrman

Hey JUhrman, thanks again for writing.

Yes I recall now being sleep deprived, part of the diagnosis was a 'mania' aspect, I was up for many days, and only get 1 or 2 hours sleep, also I lost my appetite and lost quite a bit of weight during that timeframe, and I was also exercising vigorously because I felt the need to burn off energy as I was getting muscle spasms, felt like lactic acid build up in my veins and I had to get rid of the burning sensation. It felt like a sudden jolt of adrenalin and simply could not rest. Other than this however, I recall speaking at normal pace, and structuring sentences coherently, but yes, lack of sleep was definitely part of the dilemma.

BTW, Wife and I are actually pantheists, we believe the divine is experiencing everything and everyone through the eternal now, so that it can know thyself by being all things, and experiencing thyself through other beings. In this way can 100% of knowing everything actually be achieved AND be possible.

Thus we also believe in a balance of good and evil as in the end, to the divine itself, its simply an experience, nor negative or bad, just from a point of view of being human do we attribute these characteristics and emotions. In saying that, our daughter quite frankly said to us a few weeks ago, that she hates arguing and fighting because it feels like she's hurting a part of 'god' and also hurting a part of herself as she is made up of 'god'. Not bad for an 11 yr old philosopher who had no instructions or teachings from us as we were delving into other religious ideologies at the time. (But back now to pantheism).

Thanks again for your response.

a reply to: Im a Marty

Well, nothing is separated so your daughter is also reflecting your own beliefs and characters. Not bad for a 11 years old philosopher indeed I have the feeling she is in good hands to grow up as very nice person in a loving family.

Thank you for this exchange! It's always nice to stumble upon someone I can share my experience with, and who understands it, so I'm pretty sure you feel the same

a reply to: Im a Marty
Have you ever considered that it could have been a spiritual awakening?
Here is the account of someone who ended up in a mental hospital when he awoke to the full field of consciousness because he was trying to share his experience with people prior to understanding what had happened.

Thank you for your story. I'm a psychology major, and I have a theory on schizophrenia and related disturbances that may seem unconventional, but it actually fits with your experience. I think those affected perceive reality differently, and, if you think of it, the symptoms can relate to the perception of alternate realities. If a person were to, unknowingly, perceive an alternate reality I theorize the experience to be the same as someone experiencing what you did.

If it is unknown what causes schizophrenia could it be that those affected simply see and experience what the rest of us cannot, and would that mean that our "normal" is actually abnormal and stunted? This is just a thought that I have been going over for some time now. I have no proof, but maybe one day we will be able to look into it from this point of view and learn more about who and what we are.

a reply to: Im a Marty

a reply to: Tlove250

Isn't the brain really organizing data gained from different sense modalities including light and sound within a certain range of frequencies? The world perceived by a human is different from that perceived by a dog or a cat, right? Granted, there's biological differences but the point is that there's more to the world than what humans perceive, we only get a fraction of the spectrum of light and sound.

I also think it might be possible for people to perceive other "things" as it were. I don't know how many "layers" there might be or whether these are alternate realities or alternate perceptions of the same reality or what but sadly I doubt such research would find the necessary funding.

"My best friend my lover and companion in this life, I am and always will be by your side and so very proud of who you are".

Wow, where to start, the beginning is always a good place.. Introductions first, I am the wife of 12 years to Im A Marty,, author of this thread. I would like to take this opportunity firstly to commend my husband for not only divulging his story with confidence and so publicly but also for his dedication and life long commitment to me and our daughter.

My intention for replying to Marty's story is to give you, the reader, my personal view point and most importantly my experience to what I witnessed and observed as my husband was going through his experience. I will try my utmost best to recall to the best of my ability in detail what I observed, felt, experienced, etc. However, there maybe somethings that are not as clear to me due to my sub-concious possibly and just maybe trying to protect me emotionally from revisiting or trying to access a time where I experienced so much emotional pain. (I believe that the sub-concious has the ability to do this as a sort of 'protection mechanism').

Before anything dramatic presented itself for me to say to myself "somethings not quite right here" , I was already in a constant state of worry, concern and confusion as to why Marty was developing a pattern of not eating enough, having overly excessive energy and using this energy for extreme exercising and long distance running. Also, over about 7 days he was only managing 1 to 2 hours of sleep per day. I just could not comprehend how the lack of food and sleep could result in having an over abundance of all of this energy he was so clearly having and needing to expel. I also noticed that his demenour would fluctuate so many times throughout the day. I was constantly battling my feelings to match his mood, I was now officially aboard the emotional rollercoaster and let me tell you, it was spinning very rapidly. My worst fears at this point was that my husband's character and his personality was unfamiliar and very foreign to me. My fears still remained and at this stage I was in a daily state of constant anxiety and panic of not knowing what was next to come.

In the back of mind I was so thankful that marty was in constant communication with me about all the visualisations he was doing, demonstrating and explaining what he was doing and including me in his journey. It was such an extremely tough battle for myself (every new day), to on one hand demonstrate a reluctant interest and the other hand not to show or reveal how petrified and scared I was feeling. Marty was overly elated and very high strung and in constant awe with the colours he could now visually see and a somewhat alternate reality that he was apart of. It was at this time I entered a nightly ritual of crying myself to sleep and fearfully dreading what the next morning would bring. On waking up to a new day I was now experiencing heart pulpitations as my anxiety and panic started to grow once again. My reasoning why I did not want to express my emotions to him or concerns at that stage was, my fear of things getting worse, whatever that could be.

As the 1st week was ending and yet another day was beginning, Marty and I were sitting together in the lounge room and I literally felt that something inside myself had acutally broken. At that moment something inside me instantly took on a life of itself and I mentally and physically 'broke down" in front of his eyes. I only recall firstly crying and then sobbing so hard and so uncontrollably and at the same time trying to convey to this man before me who, to me, was becoming a stranger.

I do recall the words I expressed to him as I was sobbing and looking straight in his eyes " I love you with all my heart, Marty but I am so scared and I am becoming scared of who you are being, I have tried so very hard to understand what you see and are going through, but I can not. I want the man I married to come back to me, plesase I am begging you, will you let me get someone (meaning Psych professionals) to help you". My eyes never left his eyes the entire time I was pleading to him and I honestly believed in that very moment that this was my one and only chance to prevent him from being lost to me and stuck in the new reality that he was now in.

For only a very brief moment, I caught a glimpse of "my Marty" at the same time I saw a tear fall from one eye. He told me I could call someone to our home and if the (Psych Team) also were on the same lines of my concern, that he would go with them. A team of two came to our home and had a lengthy talk with Marty in private and when I was invited back to the room, I was told that Marty had agreed to accompany them to the Mental Health Unit. More tears were now visible on his face and I also noticed that his whole face and body were now displaying signs of physical exhaustion.

I visited Marty twice a day and stayed with him for several hours while he was admitted. Over the next 2 week period I attended all of the Dr's consultations with Marty and was relieved that I was permitted to know of his continual progress and all discussions that were had with him. The Psychiatric doctor would have a daily briefing along with the duty nurse that was assigned to him on the day. Marty was discharged home after the end of the 2nd week. The Marty I knew had returned, he was himself once again, before he did the visualisation.

That was 5 years ago now and I will admit there have been a few tears shed while I was recalling my memories of those events. Marty has been, as Dr's label it, "stable" for these past 5 years and we have both grown stronger together through this experience. I know I can speak for Marty when I say that our relationship keeps growing and strengthing everyday and we attribute this to being not only husband and wife and partners for life, but also for being bestest of friends.



a reply to: Im a Marty

a reply to: Starangel

My heart goes out to you. You were so unbelievably brave, I don't know how many people would have been able to go through all that & not leave your husband.

I hope things continue to go well for you & I am Marty, I hope you guys have a wonderful life together. I can only hope I have that kind of strength if life tossed me a crazy curve ball like you guys were given.