posted on Dec, 8 2014 @ 11:12 PM
Not too much detail, but I am into the bottle this evening. I also feel little else of an opportunity to vent.
In all honesty the past decade, possibly longer, has been a slow downward spiral in my career. Thanks to mental instability (anxiety, depression),
I've been "difficult to employ". I acknowledge this. The kicker is, I've only come to terms with the cause of it over the last five years, and
begun to be able to mitigate the situation in the last year. Various meds seem to only offer help with the promise of growing more and more tolerant
to the drug. A schedule IV drug. And, a very tight leash on the dispense of this drug. This leaves alcohol, and well other means, as a method of
controlling aspects of my disorders / problems. The prescribed drug, well, I need to hold on to for while I am at work. The other methods, are meant
to shoulder a good part of the weight so as to free up the schedule IV drug for when I need to appear "professional".
Thanks to a number of contributing factors, I lost a full time position last June. I found out the hard way that (seemingly benign) comments about a
former VPOTUS (hey, I am claiming official creation and use of this acronym!), even outside of the political circles, can have chilling effects. Or,
as the case may be, cause the loss of someones job. Even in the private sector, far away from the Beltway.
This leaves me with the holiday season of 2014.
I have only been employed (via contract) 2 of the past six months. I am unemployed at the moment. I am desperately seeking employment. Without an
influx of funds, the roof over my family's heads will disappear. Too soon to think. Happy 2015.
My father, bastard that he was, showed love through providing. One has to love the sins passed, but also the values, from father to son. Not only am
I concerned about being able to provide basic shelter and food for my family, it is also the first time ever in close to fifty years that I've been
unable to actually go shopping for gifts for those I love.
It also leaves me feeling guilty as $%%# for even buying alcohol, or "other" means of calming the central nervous system. But, it prevents me from
reaching such heights of anxiety that it would appear as if I was going through a grand mal seizure.
Needless to say, the "other means" are highly controversial, and if tested before employment, would make me un-employable.
So, here I am, drinking dirt cheap vodka and peach schnaps (think hairy navel without the OJ), watching a UFO show on H2. I am also contemplating
when everything will come to a screeching halt. Moving wife and young daughter to family, myself to a friends. I am all too aware of the mass of debt
that I've accrued through concerned friends. I know they'll never come asking for it back, but that is not the way I do things. And not being able
to pay them back, or anyone for that matter, in a timely basis, is utterly repugnant to me. I've managed to move my family back up to this area where
family is, but it even further imperils my job search due to the lack of necessary foundation in the area for need for my skills in this place.
And, just to put a smile on a face, I recently undertook a remote contract. I personally had to shell out just over $1000 to cover personal expenses
(borrowed money for air, hotel, food, etc) for a single week. It was supposed to last one week. Well, after the client had described their need as
being "A" and then at my arrival discovering it was "Z", the first weekend home I am told that my services will not be needed. The $3000 I was
set to make that week, let alone the income for the next seven to eighteen months, was going to get my family and I out of the hole. Pay back bills.
Now it looks as if the major corporation who contracted me for my skills might not even reimburse me for the money put out upfront for expenses.
Money from my own pocket, paid in good faith. Heh. So much for "good faith".
Being all too aware of what this time of year brings, I know things are bleak. December? No hiring managers are in the office. January? Playing
catch-up. February? Beginning of the new fiscal year. And lucky me, the vast majority of what I do is from a technical aspect in the financial
world. A world heavily moved by the fiscal year. So much so, that many other activities come to a screeching halt until year end (calendar and
fiscal) matters are handled. Openings are going to be low to nil until roughly March.
I am screwed.
I do not ask for nor want platitudes. They simply won't up the odds of my family being sustained for the near future. And please, there is nothing
negative you can say that I haven't thought about myself already. Honestly, where I cannot do it myself because of it being the ultimate selfish act
with regards to my family, I pray that I simply won't wake in the morning. At least that way, it was out of my control and not something I could
In the meanwhile, I sit. I am constantly on the phone as I have been for months, trying to line up work. Trying to be paid the $4000 I am owed (may
sound like a lot, but trust me, it's a freaking lifeline). Mild to moderate alcohol consumption is truly the last resort that I have to keep moving,
still the nerves, and do my damnedest to provide for my family. Just like dear old "Dad" did.
For all of his faults, we were never left wanting. Mostly not during the holiday season.
Cheers, and Happy Holidays.