I need to vent a little if I may...
Up until the age of around 20 or so I was a dick. I was a bully, selfish, inconsiderate. I thought I was too cool for school, knew it all - by my own
admission I thought I was smarter than the average person. I was a moron.
I say "was" when a more appropriate word would perhaps be "am", maybe I'm still an moron.
Does being hateful make me an moron? If it does then I still am one. I saw a girl cross the road the other day - I was on the bus, she on her phone
and has earphones in and was staring intently at the display on her life-support unit...sorry, phone...she was staring at her phone and smiling from
ear to ear. Living the dream I guess...the dream to be constantly and continually happy and entertained, that's what I see now. Everywhere I look I
see people striving to attain a perpetual state of entertainment like it's all that matters.
A taxi almost hit her...and she didn't even notice, carried on walking and smiling...or maybe she did notice but cared not. For a brief second I found
myself almost wishing she'd been hit, I scolded myself for being so mean but found myself have this internal debate. 20 years ago I'd have laughed if
some idiot gawping at a phone were to be hit by a car due to their inability to be mindful of where they are and what they're doing...10 years ago I'd
have felt pity and empathy...now I'm back to where I was, sort of torn between the me of 20 years ago and the me of 10 years ago...I'm a sort of
hybrid of both mindsets.
I guess you could say I've come full circle. What changed 20 years ago?
Like I said, I was a dick. I got pleasure out of hurting people, physically as well as mentally. I can't account for that and won't even try to
justify who or what I was, but came a period of self realisation where I really started to reflect on what I was and the notion of karma - what goes
around come around hit me like a sledgehammer. I started to make positive changes in my life, I was still a teenager - maybe I was simply growing up.
This whole period was born out of isolation, I spent a lot of time alone and had time to reflect on who I was and what I'd been, and how I could
change and be a more positive person.
My life back then was about me, my leisure and my pleasure...my happiness and the constant pursuit of it. I came to realise that self-discipline was
more important than languishing in front of a tv screen stuffing my face, or getting drunk and having fruitless sexual encounters every weekend. That
suffering in some small way or abstaining from the pleasures of the flesh, those things that can corrupt the mind - was a good thing. I became
interested in education, learning about subjects that once bored me, learning became my drug of choice. It was a period of self improvement and I
don't regret that at all, I genuinely feel it made me a better person - the short version of the story is this - had I not reached that point in my
life back then and continued on the road I was on, this thread wouldn't have been written, in fact I probably wouldn't even know ATS existed...there's
a reasonable chance I'd be dead and that's not an exaggeration.
To me, I was becoming a better person, isn't that progress? I became more tolerant, avoided conflict, became more mindful of the situations I got
myself into and the company I kept. But, maybe most importantly, I came to realise that I won't always be happy or comfortable, that hardship can
actually be a good thing.
But now, I'm older still and starting to think I was naive. My ill behaviour was inexcusable, this was something I came to realise on my own and felt
the better person for it. I think it's important for someone to analyse themselves and be honest with themself about who they are and what they're
becoming...having at least some foresight to see where you're headed and making the right choices.
So, why the internal conflict now?
What happened 10 or so years ago that changed me? So much has happened and the more I observe the world and people around me the angrier and more
irritated and hateful I become. I can relate so many incidents from the last 10 years that made me genuinely want to smack someone about the face.
Now I think...I, like the majority was a dog in the proverbial dog-eat-dog world, then I became a ####
I lived life as a #### for a while and realised that #### get chewed up and spit out by the other dogs, the ones who lack the ability to see
themselves for what they really are.
I'm surrounded by people who are exactly the thing I tried not to be, and it would seem their ability to check their impetus and take appropriate
action is non-existant...which leaves people like me in a vulnerable position. In essence I feel I've no choice but to play their game.
Life isn't about being constantly happy, entertained. If someone gets smacked by a car while watching netflix then that's Darwinism at work right
It's tough when you're at odds with the world around you, it's a little tougher when you're at odds with yourself - it's a state of mind I'm none too
comfortable with. Does anyone else feel like this?
If that girl got hit by that cab I don't think I'd have felt pity...that's not the person who I wanted or tried to be but it's the person I'm
becoming. One part of me is telling me I'm callous, the other that I'm righteous, people are responsible for themselves.
But ultimately - the overriding thought is this...if she'd got hit by that car, how would she feel as she lay there, possibly dying in the street,
while the crowds gathered and filmed the scene so they could "share" that s**t on facebook so as to "entertain" their friends?
That's the ultimate irony right there - it's one of my biggest fears right now, that I'll suffer a terrible accident, and instead of help I'll be the
subject of some amateur film that's shared for entertainments sake...and it's that thought that leads me to my conclusion...I've come full circle and
I keep finding myself more and more hating people for the things they say and do. I've a friend who's a single mother, she whines about how she just
wants the best for her kids but her actions say otherwise - her kids are raised by technology - x-boxes and phones - while she whinges on facebook
about how the handouts she receives aren't enough and the only thing that matters to her are her kids, blah, blah. And often I want to slap her and
tell her it's her own fault, then I tell myself I'm being a dick and say nothing.
I have a friend who continues to live with a woman who has cheated on him several times because he can't stand the thought of being single...and he
had the audacity to criticise me for still being single in my late 30's...and seemed totally confused when I explained that I'd not yet met a woman
who I wanted to spend my life with. So he constantly whinges and complains about how his woman invites her old friends over for a drink and party
while he's at work, worrying...constantly phoning her, checking up on her - it doesn't work but he's so desperate to have that someone in his life
he'll suffer that, and he thinks I'm the weirdo. And I want to slap him and tell him to be a man and have some self-respect...but I don't, because
it's at odds with the man I wanted or tried to be.
I once dated a girl and found out she was seeing her ex behind my back, when I confronted her she basically told he we were both her f*** buddies -
and acted like I was the one with