Advice on inlaw situation..

Hey everyone. I could really use some advice on an issue that has been going on for awhile now.

My wife was physically and verbally abused growing up. She was a good girl, straight A's and all. I was the wild rebellious type. We got together snd I always knew something was off with her parents. I used to get along great with girlfriend's fathers. Id watch movies with them and initiate conversations etc. I always respected their rules. One day my now to be wife came out and told me what had happened to her growing up. Everything sort of made sense then. I asked her dad for her hand in marriage and we were in our 20s and had been together for almost a year at this point. He said no that we werent ready. That really made me mad because I treated her like gold and had the decency to ask him this and he rejected. Well I proposed to her anyway. I did tell her what her father had said but she was still on board with marriage.

Fast forward. The relationship with her parents then became even more strained. I already didn't like them because of what they did to her. It was hard for me to understand because my family was always so close. Her mom called her names that no mother should ever call their daughter, so she moved in with me. We continued our relationship. We would try and mend things with her family but they would also eventually come back and make up lies to try and split us up. This happened all the time. I still tolerated it because of my wife. I wanted no contact with them at this point but wanted to support and not control my wife.

My wife and her mother were planning the wedding and had everything booked. This was two weeks before our wedding. I get a phone call from the venue one day and her mother out of the blue cancelled everything. My wife was devastated. I then turned around and dumped my savings on our wedding in order to keep what my wife wanted. At this point my wife had enough and wanted nothing to do with them. They werent even at our wedding.

Emails back and forth along with phone calls happened. Heated things were said and her mother made lies up to everyone. My wifes grandfather even called my wife a SOB which led to an enraged altercation between me snd her father snd grandfather. Everytime we would give them a chance they would try snd split us up.

So now a few years later we are happily married with a 14 month old boy. We have had zero contact with them. They reached out through email the other night to my wife and said sorry and used the excuse that they did everything out of love. Now my wife and I sat down and talked awhile. She feels a void because they are her parents but she still has so much anger for them. I hate them. I dont bad mouth them in front of my wife but she knows the hate runs deep. I love my woman though. I want to make the right decisions for her. My job is to love her and protect her as well as my son now. I dont want people in and out of his life. At the same time, do I respond to the email and try to make amends. Im sure itll turn out like it has so many times and fall back on them. If you give them a rope they will hang themselves. Do I go this route? I have a son now so that isn't worth it to me anymore.

I understand we all make mistakes but is it worth it to go another round this time? My wife is looking to me for the answer snd says she will stand by me. I dont want selfishness or anger to rule our decision though. I wish I had inlaws that cared about us, but id rather have no inlaws than poison.

a reply to: LoverBoy

Counseling. For your wife, and perhaps the two of you as well. There could be things going on that could create a butterfly effect and really screw up your marriage down the road.

Forget the in-laws. You don't need people like that in your life, no matter who they are. They need counseling but will likely never seek it. Trust me on this part.

Toxic people are just....toxic.
It sucks you are in a lose-lose situation. On one hand maybe only meeting up with them in public? Like dinner out ?

On the other hand they were awful with your Wife, so no reason to believe they won't be awful with your son?

My husbands family was like this (in spades) our solution was to walk away.
At some point we decided we had a right to a happy, quiet life.

Good Luck whatever you decide!

Just try.

Grit your teeth and give it 100%. Never say a negative thing but BOLO for any crap from them. If it doesn't work, it won't be because of you and you did right by your family. BUT if it does work, everyone wins.

Go big and good luck.

Thank you. We tried the counseling but it wasnt really what we had expected. It was more or less they wanted us to jump right in with forgiveness. It sucks for my wife. Shes worried our boy will be sad when he gets old enough to understand. I personally think when he finds out what happened to mommy and what was said about daddy then he will hate them. Right now im kind of on that tightrope and not sure which way to fall. Going across successfully doesnt seem viable anymore. My biggest fear would be for her to say "I did this because of u". Ive lrt her make her decisions but now my little boy is in the picture.

I can relate to an extent of how your wife must feel, I've been estranged from my dad for 14 years (he wasn't abusive, we just couldn't get along after my mom passed). I get how it feels to have a void in your life. Especially once a child enters a picture. It's hard to choose to keep your child from the experience of having a grandparent.

I suspect maybe her parents are hating that they are missing out on the pleasure of having a grand baby. Perhaps give them the opportunity to visit with your family, maybe even in a neutral place like at a park where they can get to know their grandchild.

I'd start small. Fixing their relationship with you and your wife will take years, but they would be just beginning with your child.

I'd also give them one chance and one chance only. Tell them as much, that if they want to be grandparents, you aren't going to be emotionally manipulated. And if they mess up, keep your word.

Mending the adults' relationships will take a very long time, but for now perhaps just give them a chance to know their grandkid.

a reply to: MojaveBurning
That is what concerned me more than anything. In the email they sent my wife they never once mentioned my son. They never mentioned me which is expected, but they never mentioned my son. That threw up more red flags than anything to me.

a reply to: LoverBoy

Well, in my own toxic family relationship I determine how much and what kind of contact. If it's not good for me or my family, it doesn't happen unless that person needs assistance of some type.

You and your wife hold all the cards but it's no use if you don't deal them out fairly and compassionately. You can't do it and resent it...you do have to forgive a little or it won't work.

originally posted by: LoverBoy
Thank you. We tried the counseling but it wasnt really what we had expected. It was more or less they wanted us to jump right in with forgiveness. It sucks for my wife. Shes worried our boy will be sad when he gets old enough to understand. I personally think when he finds out what happened to mommy and what was said about daddy then he will hate them. Right now im kind of on that tightrope and not sure which way to fall. Going across successfully doesnt seem viable anymore. My biggest fear would be for her to say "I did this because of u". Ive lrt her make her decisions but now my little boy is in the picture.

Find a different counselor. Forgiving someone does not erase the damage they caused. You have to be aware of the damage, potential future manifestations of her experience as well. You need to know why, and how to deal with it.

Public, Public, Public !!!
Make a meeting in Public with them, dinner/lunch/breakfast.
Have a friend there at another table to record the whole thing like a top notch spy..saves yer ass.

Then see how it goes. Remeber, forgiveness is for you not them. Clears you and the wife of tht burden.
Telling them you are sorry for what ever you may or may not have done and you forgive them for there actions.
It frees you, and leaves the burden on them. At that point it is thier choice, not yours to be the person you Expect them to be.

I got more stories then time to tell..so it seems.
Best of luck.
I know I am free fo all the crap in my life by doing just that very thing.

Your wife''s parents are no longer her family; they are the family she is FROM. You and her son are now HER family, and should always come first.

It really is beneficial for children to have extended family. It makes them realize they are part of a bigger world than just mom and dad. That said, it is your job to control your relatives and make sure they never disrespect your wife, and her job to control her relatives. If she wants to try reconciliation, she needs to be very clear in stetting ground rules, and the consequences if they are not followed.

If they have the ability to offer a healthy relationship for your son, it could be good to have the support only loving grandparents can offer.

As long as they clearly understand that no disrespecting of you will ever be tolerated, or she'll walk away for good, it might be worth a shot for the sake of your son.

Sometimes parents have a really hard time giving up control of their kid's lives'. Maybe her parents have grown up too?

a reply to: LoverBoy

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

The road to healing is a long steep climb.

My Mom was completely horrible to my wife at the start.

I made the decision to not talk to her for a while.

Then I had kids. Now she's behaving.

I can only suggest that you take it very, very, very slowly.

Plan the encounters and go slow. Don't just jump right in.

Maybe they will be the same. Maybe they will be different.

But you'll never know unless you try.

I wish you all the luck in the world. This won't be easy.

Thank you all so much. It feels good to gather advice and even to vent about this.

You have a son, and a wife. Families have grown up with one set or even no grandparents before fine.
If they want to act like they are teenagers in high school drama all their lives let them.
You know what I did with all my immature friends I had over the years? I stopped contacting, stopped hanging out with them, even friends I had my entire life. I even did that with family who just couldn't get along.

Life is too short to worry about YOU trying to mend a relationship, the best you can do is reach out once, maybe twice and let them come out of the defensive B.S. Parents giving up that ego they once reigned over their children is probably extremely hard for parents like hers. Hopefully this time of no contact and you two growing up as a new family will show them she doesn't need them anymore, and they can just move on.

a reply to: LoverBoy

I was in a similar situation when I got married. Except it was the other way around. My wife's family was great, my family sucked. The advice I would give you, is to make sure your wife gets some counseling. She probably has a lot of hate built up inside, and she needs to vent that so she understands she wasn't the problem.

I didn't talk with my family for 18 years (mother and eldest sister), I also helped pay for our wedding using my savings. Eventually, after off and on counseling, I was able to forgive my mother. (She and my eldest sister were the wicked ones, my dad passed away when I was only 2 years-old). What's kind of crazy though, is karma has a way of giving back what they dished out. My mothers was being physically abused by my sister, and my sister was eventually arrested and put in jail. My eldest sister has dementia. I still don't speak with my eldest sister and most likely for the rest of my life.

I ended up being the guardian for my mother. She's now a frail 93 year-old lady. She missed out on her grand children's lives because she never made an attempt to come visit them. I would have welcomed her if she did, but she couldn't swallow her pride and hate to show any kind of love or respect for her own grandchildren.

It's really up to your wife if she wants to "try" to fix things. If I knew my mother and eldest sister could have changed their
ways, I would have welcomed them back into my life. The big problem was, their hate was seeded so deep, I and my other 2 sisters knew they could never change. Some people never change unless they recognize their abusive problems and seek help. If you and your wife do start a relationship again with her parents, I would outline conditions and expectations. You really don't want to raise your son observing verbal abuse or be present in a volatile atmosphere. You're doing the right thing supporting and protecting your wife.

a reply to: LoverBoy

NO

Stay away from them. Don't contact them until they can prove that they are trustworthy. Maybe something to compensate for the wedding or something to help your son. But do not try to see them face to face.

If they have been trying to split you up for years and they lie to other family members, they are toxic.

They will never be happy until you and your wife are as miserable as they are. I lived with those kind of people. They will be all smiles and lies until they get a hold on your life again. Then it will be the same old things as before.

They are abusers and do not deserve the time of day.

My girl had told me that her stepfather hit her and emotionally abused her. So I went to their house and laid his ass out. I would still be in prison today if he didn't mysteriously forget who hit him.
Turns out that those kind of people can dish out abuse but can't take any.

a reply to: LoverBoy

My father allowed his mother to bad mouth mine, while my mother was pregnant with my sister. By the time my sister was born, her ability to lactate had been eroded by stress. Her milk had dried up, because of my ghastly bitch of a grandmother.

When my ex fiancée was pregnant with my child, her family spat venom in her ears about me constantly to the point where she broke it off, by telling me she never wanted me, just my seed and the child resulting from our coupling, before having her father (a connected guy) threaten my life. I had no choice but to leave that be, and have resigned myself to waiting till the child comes to find me, such is the risk. It is not fear which keeps me at distance. I just know that the threat that was made, is as good as any promise I ever heard, and if I make a move, either my ex's father will kill me, or I will kill him, neither of which bode well for any potential communication between my son and I in the future. We have never met, my son and I.

I tell you these things, despite the rather obviously painful nature of them, to illuminate a point for you.

The people in your wife's family who have been backbiting and bastardly toward your wife, should be buried in shallow graves, and they should consider themselves lucky to continue to breathe, let lone have the front to come to yourself and your wife, and bleat about how they acted out of love, when all they have ever done by the sounds of it, is abused, violated and desecrated the trust that family ought to be able to have between one another. Frankly, if you ask me, you should not let those toxic wastes of genetic material anywhere near your wife, your kid, your Goddamn postcode, or near any sources of drinking water, or land used to farm livestock. They are from what I gather, walking, talking plagues, no less serious than Y. Pestis.

a reply to: LoverBoy

Having grown up in a similar situation I can tell you that your kid is going to get hurt. My mother's family was always playing games and being hateful. In fact they were nasty until they finally died. We never even went to the funerals. My uncle told my mother after she said that we didn't care about their money,that we had only wanted their love,that he knew that and so thats why they spent all the money and didn't have anything to do with us. So they could hurt us. I was like wtf are you evening talking to them mom?

I would tell her that its her family and she MUST decide. But after she makes up her mind,if it is to be that she will let them back in her life,then YOU lay down ground rules. And you need to let them know that if they break EVEN ONE OF THEM, no second chances! They are out of your sons life PERIOD. So now the ball is in their court and lets see if they want to mess it up or not.

Although you have cut all ties with them and have moved on your wife hasn't. They are her parents and nothing they have done will change that. Sounds like to me you three would be better off without them in your life but they are still her mother & father.
I think you are going to have to bite the bullet and let your wife have whatever relationship she wants with them until the time SHE cuts them loose from her life.

If you get between them or make her choose any any way shape or form you will lose in the end. It could drive a wedge between you if she ever feels any resentment towards you for anything.

No matter how much they have done wrong or how crazy they are, they are still her parents....period.

I had a situation here where I was renting one of my houses to my wife's mother and step father and things got way out of control and I had to evict them, My wife HAS finally gave up on her parents and was behind me 110% so it worked out.

Your wife HAS TO BE BEHIND YOU 110% or there will be trouble down the road if you make any decisions with your problem.

a reply to: LoverBoy

They have had many chances and by the sounds of it they will only screw up or try to drive a wedge between you and your wife again.. I dont know about you but I would be pretty blunt to them about the abuse your girl received growing up if they don't know you know.. Too be completely honest I wouldn't have a bar of them in yours, your wifes or your childs life because of their deceit and past... But around what I have said, good luck and hope everything works out for your family.