help!! my mother hates my new girlfriend. need some advice

Hey guys,
Let me give you all a little background story before anything.
I dated this girl for a little over 6 years, she was my highschool sweetheart. The last 2 years of our relationship it was her pushing me to finish school, telling me how to spend my money, making me do things I didn't want to do in general. I know she had good intentions but I was doing things at a pace that I could handle, which she didn't like so I felt like I had to lie to her so she wouldn't be upset.

I'm 23 years old and i still live at home with my mother, so did she. At the beginning of this year she started her career after completing her bachelor degree. So at many times she would get off work tire and come over and sleep which I would understand. At one point I asked her to spend the night, but she never could cause her mother wouldn't allow it, that I didn't understand since her mother very much liked me and we had been together for so long.

So she couldn't spend the night, I would just tell her go home and rest and I would see you another day. It went like that for a few months we hung out less and less and I met a new girl around April. I didn't think much of her until I started talking to her more and more.
Eventually I broke up with my ex and my mother wasn't very happy about that. Now my mother and I never really talk but she thinks I cheated on my ex which I did not I just moved on without looking for something new.

Now I've been with this new girl officially for 3 months and I am very happy.
But my issue is that my mom hates her because she thinks I cheated. The other night I had her over the house and my mother went to my room and told me to get her out of her house, or she would call the police. Its her house I understand that but she didn't have to be so disrespectful to her.
This girl and I decided a month ago to move in together since we get along so well. We plan to move out by February, I should also mention that her family loves me, her and I just went on a week cruise together and i had the time of my life and I know she did as well. Although it's been a few months together I asked her mother for her daughters hand in marriage and she gave me her blessings(this is something her and I talked about and her mother told me she wanted me to ask)

Now I don't know what to say to my mother or how to deal with this situation and would really love some help.

Ummm...

I did something similar to that once. Thought I loved the girl, my mom absolutely hated her. Asked her to marry me only after being together a few months...

All I can say is I'm happily divorced now.

Sorry to say, but just because you get along well in the first three months doesn't mean you'll make it. Slow down, turbo. From your story I take it you're fairly young, so no need to rush. Move in with her to get your mom out of your business and take it from there, see how it goes after a while. You might suddenly realize that you don't want to be with her anymore. It sucks, but it happens sometimes. I'm not saying you're doomed for failure, I could be completely wrong, but take my word for it a little bit here; I've been there, done that, and I've got the scars to prove it.

Remember, moving in together means you bring all your crap and mix it with her crap and if you leave, you can take all your crap with you. Getting married means half your crap becomes hers and she gets to keep it if you leave.

First of all... GTHO.

My dad always told me, my house... My rules. That's the way it is, and that's what (used to) make kids get out of their parents house when they turned into adults.

At your age, parents don't need to know so much about your love life and the intricacies within it. Keep your private life private in the future (or more private) if you want to prevent this from happening. Some parents can never see where there own kids do wrong and they look to blame the next best person. Don't give her any information that you think will ever be a problem regardless of how good a relationship looks at the time.

None of this would be as big of an issue if you lived on your own.

Secondly... Why does your mother hate your new girlfriend if she believes you are the one who cheated? Why doesn't she hate you? Maybe you should point that out to her.

It's likely that she still wants you with your ex because she had grown fond of her. It's also likely that she doesn't want to grow fond of this girl and then lose her as well.

Thirdly... Maybe she sees something you don't. Some parents have a sixth sense about what kind of trouble may be lurking around their children, full grown or not.

Other than clarifying to your mother that you didn't cheat, or moving out... The best you can hope for is time. And hopefully if this girl is right for you, she will see it if given enough time.

But lastly really... You need to move out. That way you can have whoever you want in your bedroom and don't have to worry about who says what about it.

a reply to: ^anubis^

First of all, if you're going to get married, don't plan on living in your mother's house. Talk it over with your fiance and start planning on where you're going to live, how you're going to support yourselves, etc etc.

if you haven't told your mom yet, don't say anything until you have everything arranged. If you tell her now, I'm sure she'll do anything she can to make it difficult for you. Don't feel bad about this because you simply don't need anyone interfering with you at this point.

When the wedding time comes, be sure to invite your mother and whether she comes or not will be up to her.

Congratulations and good luck to you both.

a reply to: Kangaruex4Ewe

She blames me because my father cheated, she has told me this "youre just like your father" I told her I didn't cheat and she insist that I did and that my new girl knew I was with someone and continued with things.

a reply to: N3k9Ni

No, no way. We already shared information about how much each of us make a month, I make more than her and more than enough to live on my own. We planned our finances once we move out and the wedding isn't any time soon.

a reply to: Kangaruex4Ewe

My brother told me my mother loves my ex, in the beginning of my new relationship my mother told me, give me some time before I get to meet your new girlfriend. Now she has been making my life very difficult. Just last week was my birthday, my mother didnt even said happy birthday, we haven't talked in two weeks. She keeps raising my rent there cause I pay her rent money. I think she knows I planned to move out cause she might have seen the listings for rent I had on my desk.

Move out ALONE first.
Get back on your own feet FIRST.
Get a decent savings FIRST.
Get situated in YOUR OWN place first.
Then start incorporating your fiance's life into yours.
Being married before you live together is important in my opinion, I've done it both ways and being married helped a lot but that doesn't mean rush it.
When you get out on your own for the first time it takes a while to get your footing, and you are going to want to do that your way. Not with her getting her own footing as well and both of you are going to screw something up and have lots of fights while you are still learning about each other if you do this together.
I think your best bet is to get out on your own, show your mom how you can take care of yourself, then she will feel less inclined to look at you like an irresponsible child. Just my 02.

Why don't you turn gay and maybe she'll like your boyfriend? Seriously? If you allow other peoples opinions to control your life, you shall be their prisoner until you finally decide to free yourself.

a reply to: HUMBLEONE

Lmao, you're right. The only way I see to be set free is finally being on my own.

a reply to: ValentineWiggin

My mother knows I can, I pay her rent, I have never asked for a penny from her, last month we had a conversation where she got real nasty and told me "you're right you never ask me for anything cause you already know you can't count on me for anything"

a reply to: ^anubis^

First of all, your happiness is just that, your happiness. Your mom will come around sooner or later because parents really do want happiness for their children. But as it's been posted here, it's time to get your own place. You need to spend time with your girlfriend alone so that you each can see who you really are as individuals as well as with each other without anyone else influencing your actions. Ok, now with that being said, I'm going to give you just a little more advice.

If you really think you want to marry this woman fine. Make it a long engagement though. Give yourselves time to become who you are. Believe me when I say, between the years of 20 and 30 something you will be 10 different people trying to figure out just who you are and what you like.

The woman you are attracted to now may not be the woman you want to be with as you get comfortable with yourself in your 30's. Good luck to you and I wish you lots of happiness.

1. Move out but put the lease in your name and let your chik live there but not on the lease. (In case it doesn't work out. Living with someone changes things ALOT)
2. Be engaged but make it along one cause 3 months is not long enough to truly know someone. Your still in the infatuation stage and time will tell how things are when that stage is completed.
3. Be sure to grow in your relationship but not at too much expense of doing things for yourself! To often it is easy for one or both to become too co dependent and in a healthy relationship if trust is there you both should be able to have you interest independent of each other.
4. If she lives with get the money situation nailed down and make sure you both are on board.
5. Good Luck and have fun!

I made all the mistakes and if I had it to do over again I would give myself the advice above.

a reply to: ^anubis^

The only way I see to be set free is finally being on my own.

BINGO!!

But don't trade one set of chains for another i.e. 'marriage'

As Valentine stated, you need to establish your independence first on your own before plunging into marriage

And of course your Mom is going to favor your ex over a new GF
Just make sure it's not what they call a 'rebound' relationship

Bottom line tho, only time will make amends between you & your Mom, and your potential wife

a reply to: ^anubis^

If you can't handle that situation, you're not ready for a girlfriend.

Well buddy. You're still living with Mommy, so if you really don't like it, leave. Pretty simple, really, and it's TIME! There's no good reason why you should still be there even though you "do things at your own pace." Your Mom raised you. Now do her a favor and stop leeching off her. She deserves a break.

And besides, you're doing things she doesn't like. You just blew off a long term relationship with a girl that apparently is motivated and has her act together and rebounded with your new girlfriend and already you want to play house. From your Mom's perspective, what you have done is pretty stupid. You SAY what you THINK your Mom's motivations are, but the fact is it is likely a lot deeper than the superficial issues you are talking about. It's more like this: She sees that you have rejected a stable long-term relationship for a lark in the park.

My son did the same thing at age 20. He got married to the first girl who would sleep with him even though we suggested he might want to wait a bit. Now he's on his third wife and his second kid he didn't plan for.

But he has the right and SO DO YOU. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT! to be stupid, or, as you will call it, "follow your own heart." But if you want to be an adult, you have to act like one first, and the first step there is to move out and not be dependent on your Mommy. Then do what you damn well want and to hell with everyone else!

And good luck to you. Really. I think you're gonna need it.

originally posted by: ^anubis^
a reply to: HUMBLEONE

Lmao, you're right. The only way I see to be set free is finally being on my own.

I wish you freedom and happiness, but I guess it really all depends on you.

a reply to: ^anubis^

You're mother is way out of line here man. It's one thing to give her opinion or whatever about stuff if you two talk about those things, but telling you to get you're girl out of the house or she'll call the cops is seriously bad form on her part.

It's your life, you're the one who needs to live it. Agree or Disagree, she should be supportive of you making your own decisions, especially about who you date.

She should be very careful about how she deals with this situation because I've known similar situations like this and all she's going to do is drive you away if she continues down this road.

Other than that, I have nothing else to say. Go live your life the way you want to live it. That's how you learn to be the person you will one day become.

Thank you all for the reply, I see clearly now that the answer to my problem is leaving that house for good and become more independent, my mind was so clouded with anger that I didn't really know what to do. Hopefully I find something soon, thank you all!!!

a reply to: ^anubis^

Mate, the best advice I can give(I've been through my fair share of women) it's your life, you dictate you choose what you want to do. If there's one thing I've learnt it's never let any ones opinions screw around with your actions. In the end it's your happiness your life your love not any one else's and if you have anyone in your life that is trying to # with those things, Then they are the ones who are only thinking about themselves and not what's best for you.

Don't hate, just live your life the way you think is best, because you know yourself better then anyone will ever know.