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Product of an excersise.

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posted on Oct, 16 2014 @ 03:31 AM
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This short story was for my girlfriend until we broke up. At the time I'd written the story we were both learning some pretty crazy stuff, and one night I needed to flex the muscle outside my book work, so I came up with this little bugger.

You guys can read it in the link below. I don't really know the rules of posting, and it won't fit unless I do some serious format fixin' and spread it over multiple posts. It's four pages and it should open in your browser.
dl.dropboxusercontent.com...
Let me know how average or bad it is
.




posted on Oct, 16 2014 @ 03:42 AM
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As a writer, I like it. It is very descriptive, but I might say a little too complex or overly descriptive for the average Joe. I hate to say "dumb it down", but you may want to simplify it more. Make it more of a story than a poem. Do you get what I am saying? Make your descriptions more compatible with what the average Joe is capable or willing to follow. Be more balanced in your matter-of-fact along with your poetic descriptions and you will be a top-notch writer. That is my constructive criticism.



posted on Oct, 16 2014 @ 01:51 PM
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originally posted by: HillbillyHippie1
As a writer, I like it. It is very descriptive, but I might say a little too complex or overly descriptive for the average Joe. I hate to say "dumb it down", but you may want to simplify it more. Make it more of a story than a poem. Do you get what I am saying? Make your descriptions more compatible with what the average Joe is capable or willing to follow. Be more balanced in your matter-of-fact along with your poetic descriptions and you will be a top-notch writer. That is my constructive criticism.

I think I know what you're saying. Thanks for taking the time to read it and provide feedback.



 
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