My Christian Childhood

My parents were cruel puritan fundamentalists, but inadvertently they led me to church where I met many wonderful light filled people and a God of love and mercy who forgave all my weaknesses to see a being of potential and love. At 8 years old after my mother died, I began to have terrible nightmares and torments. I was visited in the night by strange creatures and a dark shadowy man who would speak to me. He would whisper to me throughout the day while I was playing. He would talk to me out in the woods when I was alone. I told my parents about him, but they said he was demonic and suggested I needed to get baptized and "saved" by Jesus.

I did get saved, I got baptized, but no matter how much I prayed, no matter how much I read the scriptures or repented of the nastiness of being human, he never stopped visiting me. I was chosen by him, from the time before my birth according to him. I could have anything he asserted. All I wanted was for him to go away. By the time I was twelve, my mind was shattered. I was having what doctors called full blown hallucinations, but these types of things aren't normal for a child, so the treatment options were limited. My parents opted for a Christian fundamentalist psychologist who at the base level really blamed me and my impurity for the encounters. I lost my faith.

At thirteen, I joined a satanic grotto. I don't know if I found them or they found me, but we found each other and I got DCLXVI tattooed on the palm of my right hand to make sure that my soul might never accidentally slip off to heaven. I had been baptized and saved after all, and according to the Calvinists that meant life eternal in a kingdom of tyranny. I lived ate and breathed Marilyn Manson. Growing up in Minerva, OH, Canton was only a 30 minute drive from me and I imagined that he was the one human on the planet that might understand my struggle. Satanism was fun. The sex was fun. The ritual magic was fun, but it wasn't the truth and I knew that.

By sixteen, I was reading Nietzsche. My parents kicked me out. Satan they could understand but Nietzsche I guess was going too far. According to them he was the most evil man that ever existed because he denied the very existence of God. They claimed that at the point of my becoming an atheist, Satan had finally won my soul and I was completely ensnared in his lies. I think they misunderstood Nietzsche. He didn't revel over the death of God, he lamented it.

I lived a life of hedonism. I used every drug mankind has ever invented, I tried every type of sex that has ever been imagined, I attempted suicide, I accidentally killed myself on a drug OD, and I had a NDE. There was no light for me, no peace or rapture, but only a chamber of torments.

I watched my body rot into nothingness. I felt the teeth crumble and fall out of my skull. I watched my bones pour to dust and I fell into an abyss, falling and falling for ages. The visions started. These weren't your typical hellish images. There was no fire or torment, just a series of mind games played by masterful sociopaths to elicit the greatest fear response they could get from me. Mutilation, torture, cannibalism, nothing was spared. Eventually I began to love their games. They broke me and I mirrored them. I know this sounds awful, but I became a monster so terrifying that they began to fear me. The seam of hell ripped apart and a being of unlimited brilliance stood before me and offered me a one way ticket back to this world. Of course I accepted, who wouldn't.

Waking up in the hospital with sticky pads stuck all over me, handcuffed to a bed, I didn't know who I was or what was going on. They had a police officer sitting there waiting on me. I turned to him, looked through him and a voice four octaves deeper than my own began speaking to him. He turned white as a ghost. Within minutes I was released, out onto the streets. I still don't know what I said to him. Whatever it was, it earned me my freedom. I checked myself into rehab, spent six months inside, but I came out a clean man.

I reinvented myself, got into college, got a degree, got a job I thought would be a career, went to university, bought a house and my first new car, and then the paranoia and visions started again. My life was not my own after all. I was merely subjected to the whims of an external force. Cascading downward, my life falls apart. I've been clawing my way back every since, weeding through the madness, overcoming sadness, avoiding self-destructing, reaching out to something to cling onto.

This has been the harshest self-examination I have ever undergone and now here I am somewhat clearheaded for the first time in my life and I'm back to where I started, remembering the childhood I walked away from, looking at the life I've made and wondering where to go from here. I no longer want to hate or blame anyone and while I really want to hate myself, I'll forego judgement for now, because I fear it would just be counter-productive anyway.

Thank the world for being so patient with me. Every cosmic force and person I have ever known has facilitated this entire journey. I am a stubborn arrogant fool and if it were left to my devices, I'd still be in the pits of the darkest hell. This process, all of you are my saviors, and while I have not found any belief to call my own, I crutch myself on all belief and on the hope and love of humankind that I might make it once again over one more hill to see what mountain life has in store for me next.

Perhaps my frailty can become a strength. The alchemists claimed they could turn molybdenum into gold. Let's see if they were right.

a reply to: Nechash

I did get saved, I got baptized, but no matter how much I prayed, no matter how much I read the scriptures or repented of the nastiness of being human,

self-hate can never lead to anything good or just.

a reply to: InverseLookingGlass

You are right. It is obviously another pitfall.

a reply to: Nechash

Dear Necash - you have been tormented and suffered at the hands of humans and spirits. I'm so, so sorry you had to endure that all and lose your mother at such a young age. My heart goes out to you.

My Christian childhood swirled around a God of hate and anger and being told I was sinful and just a nothing. I always believed in Jesus but never knew how he is a fresh start to everything and of pure love. That's my belief and when I came to really know him everything fell into place. I learned that religion is a man made term and that all man interprets beliefs differently. My reality changed to one of love, acceptance, unconditional love and a new hope for all things. It changed my entire life.

Don't know if you are seeking any words of advice or comments of any sort or if you are simply sharing. But if you are looking for peace and healing then based on my own experience it is something I would highly recommend. Simply a personal relationship with Jesus. Forget all what you've been taught and experienced. Start fresh by just getting to know him.

I hope I haven't offended you. And I truly wish your life would be one of peace and joy and by never being tormented again.

Hugs for all your pain.

a reply to: Nechash

Do you still experience apparitions and voices? If not, when did they cease?

a reply to: ccseagull

Thank you. I supposed I do need healing on some level, but I guess I just felt ready to share. I do believe other people can benefit from each other's experiences, so I hope someone is able to derive something from the madness that has been my own twisted self-destruction. It really was all unnecessary. I let my parents get in my head and hijack my own internal narrative, and I've been beating myself with their whips ever since.

a reply to: Astyanax

Well, I have, but they are different now, no longer terrifying or self-destructive. I think I'm learning how to love, and that is a powerful lesson.

a reply to: Nechash

I totally understand what you're saying. And that inner voice is the most brutal thing we have to live with sometimes. I agree - when we share we don't know who we are touching or giving hope or some sort of answer to.

It may have been unnecessary but you had no other way to cope and no one to guide you. How alone and lost you must have felt. Next time that inner voice starts demeaning you tell it to shut up.

And yeah I do think you need healing based on your horrific background. I can tell by what you write and how you write that you are extremely intelligent, wide thinking (which is good) and a feeling person. Love truly is the answer. To love yourself. And in turn to love others in a way that releases you and them from any useless carrying on of negativity.

And know that you aren't alone.

Dear Necash:

What a story. It takes guts, balls to share that openly, here or anywhere. Thank you for that gift. It was, by the way, a gift.

This process, all of you are my saviors, and while I have not found any belief to call my own, I crutch myself on all belief and on the hope and love of humankind that I might make it once again over one more hill to see what mountain life has in store for me next.

I hope, distinctly, that we are all each other's saviors, and that we will take care of each other along the path.
I thank you for your friendship. I have had many similar experiences, especially that man you spoke of, though not a man, exactly, who was there when you were a child…..

I don't often speak of that…..
I try even harder not to think of it. But he's still here with me. I know him well.
As a woman, it may be even harder, for in their realm, we are still chattel, property. To be released by him, another must speak for me, kind of thing….. He would kill anyone who did, sadly.

However, your path….
There is light, and it saved you, really, already……
Regards and much love to you,
Tetra

a reply to: tetra50

You seem tormented, but you seem like you've gone through much of these things and are still intact. Why live in fear? If someone has to play mind games with you, torture you, and try to get inside your head to get you to do things against your best interest, they are not a friendly force in your life. A real friend would never do something to undermine you on your most fundamental level. Anyone who toys with you and gets you to sabotage yourself is someone you should avoid. Close them out of your mind, seal them out of your life. You're worth more than chattel, I can tell you that much.

a reply to: Nechash

Thank you. Good luck on your journey.

originally posted by: Nechash
a reply to: tetra50

You seem tormented, but you seem like you've gone through much of these things and are still intact. Why live in fear? If someone has to play mind games with you, torture you, and try to get inside your head to get you to do things against your best interest, they are not a friendly force in your life. A real friend would never do something to undermine you on your most fundamental level. Anyone who toys with you and gets you to sabotage yourself is someone you should avoid. Close them out of your mind, seal them out of your life. You're worth more than chattel, I can tell you that much.

Ah yes, I know, thanks. It has not been my choice. I know these things well. It is complicated. But never a choice I made. Just that when I was a child, what you described, happened to me, as well; that is all.

I am working on sealing things, people out of my life. I have been slowed down, unfortunately, by health issues, making it very difficult for me.

But thanks for reaffirming I am worth more than chattel. Of course, I know this, as well, but it is good to have it reaffirmed from outside oneself.
tetra