relationship: sticky situation. Need advice

originally posted by: WeRpeons
a reply to: Logiciel

Being with someone who is obsessed with you can be dangerous! Jodi Arias was obsessed and look what happened to her boyfriend Travis!

That's an extreme example, but you're right. Being stuck with someone like that is worse than dumping them.

If I were you Logiciel, I would copy and paste what you wrote here into a Word processor, print it out, give it to her in person, tell her to read it..........and walk away. People can be unreasonable when you tell them something they don't want to hear, but they can't really argue with a piece of paper. She sounds like she can't be reasoned with, so don't waste your time trying.

Good luck.

a reply to: Logiciel

Do the "George Costanza"..it's not you it's me!
At this point you need to get out while you are still sane and focus on your work.
Whatever works,don't feel too guilty otherwise she will become a psychic vampire and draw out every last bit of positive vibe s and goodwill you have..move on quick.

thanks to all for your answers! Really!

I know I have to make that move fast. It's just that at one point I thought it would be nice to stay friends. Don't see that really happening now.
I posted this thread yesterday after an hour and a half of black-hole-ish, sterile, depression-infused skype session with her.
I had tried to be more and more distant and to install a "buddy" type relationship (as opposed to romantic) last few days, taking advantage of the fact that I'm away for a week, that triggered an acute rise in her texting asking me why I was so distant and what I was doing.
Her distress prevents me to break up now that I'm away, even though I wanted to scream to her rude things at one point hehehe.

Problem is that as she was crying and feeling so bad I had to cotton-candy-it up, and play mr nice guy the clown that will make you smile.

I'm just afraid she will go deeper into depression (I do care for her... and... the entire world I guess...).

I'll try to limit our exchanges untill I get back. I fear that if she keeps being so demanding I might just do it by phone.

To make you guys laugh, she does have in her possession some sensitive work related data, pieces not yet edited or works for exclusive clients. She was supposed to help me out with the layout of my portfolio as she's a graphic designer.

Life is soooooo...... interesting ;p

I am no expert, but I think that you should tell her exactly what you told us here. Be honest with her. She might be sad initially--or even angry. But I think that she already knows that you don't love her and wanting 'proofs' of love tells me she is not in love either. Try to perhaps be friends first when you next find someone that you are attracted to as a potential mate. I understand how trapped you must feel but even though us girls are nuts, we are pretty smart and we just want men to be open with us. If you can't be totally honest and totally yourself with someone, then they're probably not the right match. Get out of the relationship if you want out. But make sure you want out. Perhaps if you two have a meeting of the minds you will feel differently. I wish you luck, good sir.

Why can't you people just be honest and stop being dicks .. Pulling away and being distant.. Weak. If you're that pathetic you deserve clingy weirdos.

Grow a pair and be honest...

I'm being honest (sorry for the double post )

OP is enveloped in his work but needs companionship.
He needs nsa. Not pie. (nor the seventeen hundred texts that come with it.

my 2 cents...

"No" is a complete sentence....

You are not responsible for her emotional wellbeing....she is. Please google the "african violet of friendship". Unfortunately the world is full of Psycho-chicks. (I'm female) Just this week I had to change my phone number cause one of my son's ex's decided blowing up my phone to get information on him was a genius idea.

Needless to say we had that Mom-Son chat about dating chicks with mental health issues.
If she proceeds I guarantee I will prosecute her for stalking. BTW she's in her 40's, not some kid.

Also google Toxic friendships....
it lays out all the red flags for you.

Better luck next time!!!

OP....I always wanted to use this line.

It not you it's me. I don't like you.

tell her to stop texting you all day and stuff..you sound miserable! Just tell her its not working out. Shes a big girl.....shell undersatnd

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a reply to: Logiciel

Just break it off man. It may be rough but DO NOT CAVE or you'll never make it. Remember you didn't ask for all that, she just dumped on you more than you ever asked for.

Yes she'll cry and stuff and make you feel bad but don't give in. Keep telling yourself that it will soon be over and you'll feel so much better when it's done.

Like a band aid sometimes you just got to rip it and forget it. Little bit of pain but so much better than stretching out.

It's not your fault. She's using you as a crutch. Which is fine if that is where you want to be and asked for it but you didn't. Just do it and do it soon before it deepens anymore. Tell her it's just too much or whatever but get yourself out and make sure it's settled in one sitting. No we'll talk about it later or something.

Hope that helps.

a reply to: Logiciel

I wonder if this is the time to be a little harsh? Well, I'll give it a go.

You've treated this girl rather badly - you knew she wasn't 'the one' but you went there anyway.

You mention in your OP that your friends don't introduce you to their female friends so I'm picking up that you may be a bit of a player.

And this time, you found someone who took you a little too seriously and didn't feel like being played?

Now, you're stuck with a girl who went online looking for a real relationship and will have a hard time admitting to herself that she got taken for a ride - so to speak.

Also, she has something of yours that you need so you have to be careful about how you disentangle yourself?

At this stage I'll just say - learn your lesson from this.

Right, how to break it off? Please, please be honest with her. Do not go down the 'it's not you, it's me' route. This girl sounds like an emotional mess and, much as it will be painful, needs to be told the truth.

Don't leave her wondering what you meant by 'it's not you, it's me'. You may have to admit that your intentions weren't so honourable, that you're struggling to deal with a real person with real needs and issues when all you wanted was a bit of fun.

You may leave her in a world of pain, but honesty is absolutely the best policy. And don't offer friendship as a consolation prize. Make a clean break.

If those things of yours that are in her possession have to be sacrificed - deal with it. But the chances are that she's a decent person and will hand them over if you ask. She must have some good qualities that attracted you in the first place - did you only notice the negatives outweighing the positives after you slept with her?

There is nothing wrong in looking for love; but it has a short shelf life.

This is God's way of saying the boat has sailed.

Change career, relocate, switch phone company, etc

Ya know, da usual

My brother taught me the beauty of "I don't know" years ago.

Say "this is not working for me". Tell her you're sorry it's upsetting. Let her know it's upsetting to you too.

When the "whys", start, say "I don't know". If she asks it a hundred times, say it a hundred times. " I don't know".

THE OTHER THING YOU WILL NEED TO DO:

IF she falls to pieces, and is hysterical, you will need to go to her and try to put her together again. Yes, you have to.

When and if it happens go to her, hold her, cry with her. But at all costs maintain "it's not working for me, I don't know why".

If you tell her all the reasons you told us, it won't make a difference. In fact it will make things worse.

Do this. It's the best way.

The only other thing I can tell you is too listen to "50 ways to Leave Your Lover", by Paul Simon. I would post it but the dogs are barking at the neighbors so I've got to go. Let us know. Good luck.

This is lighthearted, but there are truths in there too:

Personal story:

I had been dating a guy, for maybe only three or four weeks. It just so happened my birthday was in that period. Since we had been dating for such a short period of time, I thought maybe "dinner and flowers". Or something like that. I didn't expect much, didn't want much. We hadn't been together long enough.

WEllll......... On my birthday, when he arrived to take me to dinner. He had a big gift, big nicely wrapped box. When I opened it, this is what was inside:

A camera/recorder to mount on my front porch.
A cell phone (pre programed for God knows what).
A GPS. (see above comment).

These were for my "protection" and "safety precautions".

My heart sank. I said "This is not a birthday present. This is surveillance equipment".

I knew this guy would make my life a living hell, so I said "this is not going to work for me". Yep. It took me about a week to get him out of my life.

originally posted by: ladyinwaiting
Personal story:

I had been dating a guy, for maybe only three or four weeks. It just so happened my birthday was in that period. Since we had been dating for such a short period of time, I thought maybe "dinner and flowers". Or something like that. I didn't expect much, didn't want much. We hadn't been together long enough.

WEllll......... On my birthday, when he arrived to take me to dinner. He had a big gift, big nicely wrapped box. When I opened it, this is what was inside:

A camera/recorder to mount on my front porch.
A cell phone (pre programed for God knows what).
A GPS. (see above comment).

These were for my "protection" and "safety precautions".

My heart sank. I said "This is not a birthday present. This is surveillance equipment".

I knew this guy would make my life a living hell, so I said "this is not going to work for me". Yep. It took me about a week to get him out of my life.

Wow! Good for you for having your head on straight and not swooning over an expensive "present" and seeing it for exactly what it was! Many women (I am a married woman) would take that as a compliment and think he is the One for making such a big deal over a birthday when the relationship was barely getting started. "Look how nice he is buying me all the things!"

A dinner date (or even lunch) and at the MOST flowers - your expectations were correct.

a reply to: Logiciel

Hey, hi! I'm not far from you- I'm in Ardèche. I have two sons living in Lyon.

That's not why I bring them up though- it is because the eldest son (27) once got into dating sites, like Adopte un Mec.

He met a girl, they began writing back and forth, and it seemed they had everything in common.
They figured out they were totally incompatible right after she got pregnant, and it was a messy and painful breakup, and now there is a child between these people who are little more than strangers and can't stand each other.

I am a supporter of first meetings being in person. If these two had met in person, they would have read each others body language, and just "sensed" it wasn't right- no matter what was coming out of each others mouth.
Now, to be fair to those cyber dating has worked out for- it might be great for two people who have a realistic self appraisal.... but so many people do not. The one thing really screwed up people have in common? They don't know they are screwed up.

The mental idea you form of a person before physical interaction, if it is too well formed, can sometimes overide those normally very clear internal alarms.

This woman sounds very needy, and very dependent. That is not necessarily "bad" but it means she'd have to find someone who is has an equal amount of neediness and possessiveness as a result. You might not be that person.

But- be honest with yourself- you say you're looking for love- perhaps there is something calling you here. Perhaps a part of you WANTS to make changes in yourself; ones that correspond to what she is demanding?

That can be challenging and difficult. Only you can figure this out, but to use an example of what I mean- perhaps a part of you would like to take some of the focus off of work and into other areas of your life- like relationships, affection, etc.
If you are used to having "le nez dans le guidon", distanced from your emotions, it can be hard to change that, but it can also be nice in the long run.

In any case, you need to keep up some limits and be able to say no to her at some point. But it might be worth it to consider if you want to open a tiny bit to her, without totally letting her demands drown you.

That son met a few girls online, and even when they became long relationships, (none lasted forever and all ended painfully) they both would declare while together that if they had first met in person, it never would have gone any further .

ETA- after reading more of your responses here, I'd echo the same as many - total honesty. "You are in need of more than I am willing or can give. We are not right for each other."


Though I find myself thinking this- whether or not you slept with her. I find so many young men do not consider that women (especially when young) render themselves vulnerable in sex. That creates some complicated dynamics between you, of respect and responsibility. Something to think about in the future, to avoid such sticky situations.

originally posted by: ladyinwaiting
A camera/recorder to mount on my front porch.
A cell phone (pre programed for God knows what).
A GPS. (see above comment).

These were for my "protection" and "safety precautions".

I would have bought you a Barbie Video Camera & matching Hello Kitty two way radios & given you the same spiel about safety & protection.

Panties. Be. Dropping.