Make peace with your parents before they're gone.

I was looking through a photo album this evening, and I stopped to focus on a picture of my father and me. I was about 16 years old, and he was in his fat phase. Now that I am 65 years old, my dad doesn't look very old in that picture now. My dad died in 1999.

I used to be not very close to my father. I was a sensitive, artistic, kind of physically small boy, and my dad was a tough guy, very handy with a saw and hammer. I had one brother who was everything I wasn't, tall, good at athletics, handy with tools, popular with the girls. I could sense that my dad preferred my brother to me. And that caused me to feel pain, and thus the wall between my father and me grew strong over my teenage years.

In my early adult years, there was never hostility between us, but our relationship was a bit on the cool side. But as I moved into early middle age, I began to grasp the reality that we are all creatures that have been conditioned by our environment. My father believed that we should "spare the rod and spoil the child", and "children should be seen and not heard" because that is what he heard his father say over and over to him.

And one day, I began to realize that my aging father was not going to be around too many more years, and that I should make the effort to improve my relationship with my father since I was a product of a more enlightened generation when it comes to parent-child relationships.

And that is what I did. I visited his home way more often, and I showed more love towards him, and over time the love I expressed became more a reflection of my true feelings. In fact, I finally understood it was there all along.

When I think of my dad, I feel happy that we became close in his final years. I know my mom, who died in 2000, was happy to see us grow closer.

If you are close to your aging parents, I'm happy for you. If not, make peace with them before they're gone. And I say this knowing that some misbehavior might not deserve your forgiveness in this life.

a reply to: droid56

Sage advice, brother. Good on you ... for not passing along hard-won wisdom proves it to be of no value.

I'm afraid my mother and I can never fully reconcile. I was saddened by that dawning realization, and it took me years to understand, it was ultimately her choice and I had no say so in the matter. It has made me wiser man though a bit more reserved in starting up relationships which won't be productive for either party.

I'm glad you made your peace, and you have my condolences for your loss.

-Cheers

a reply to: droid56

The only peace I wish to ever find, between my father, and myself, is the sort of peace that comes only after a final and catastrophic hammer blow to the base of the skull.

I'm not trying to be a downer, but there are some people that ones life, and the planet in general, can do well without. Trying to make peace with some of these people, is like a body making peace with bone cancer, in that its a bad idea, and kicking the snot out of the disgusting corruption is a much better one.

However, each to their own. Now my mother on the other hand... I do not need to make peace with her. We stand against the tides of madness shoulder to shoulder, look out for one another and others. We share solidarity of purpose, and unity of action. She's a great human being, and the only times we ever collide in an unpleasant manner, it's because we are so similar, rather than because either of us is wrong, or deliberately antagonistic, like my father was.

I would shorten it to: Always let the people you care about know how much you care about them.

My father is not a great guy and when he passes I will shed no tears.

I fell out with my mum 2 years before she died. I managed to get to the hospital just before she died and I think she hung on long enough for me to get there. I made my peace with her and to be honest I felt so much better for it. I still have the hump over it but thats life. But we parted on friendly terms. At least she died peacefully without that added worry. Yes so I agree best make amends whilst you still have the chance.

My family has always been close knit. We always had hugs and kisses and said I love you. When my Dad passed away, I had no regrets. When my Mom goes, I will have no regrets either. I will have my memories of their love and inspiration always.

I recently lost my father in August, as many here know and that is good advice. We did have some problems over the years. We were both hard headed and sarcastic. We both knew how to hold a grudge like a true marathoner. We both took things too personally and we both had a hard time saying we were sorry.

He didn't go too long after Father's Day this year and the card I got him allowed me to say many things I never had as he had been sick and we were not sure if we would have him for another Father's Day.

In the end I told him that it was his first shot at being a father and my first shot at being a daughter and I think we did pretty damn well for our first time... together.

It's still fresh and tears are in my eyes as I type this, but I felt the need to tell you that you gave good advice in your OP.

No matter how old you get, you still need your parents. You don't realize how much, until one of them is gone. It feels almost like you are orphaned in some strange way. I still think of something funny and automatically think "wait until dad hears this", then I realize I don't have that anymore. It hurts and it leaves an empty spot that stays raw for many years.

Say what you need to and understand that neither parents nor their children are perfect. Parents don't have manuals and mistakes should be forgiven (unless they are extreme of course, there are some hellish parents out there unfortunately). Letting things go unsaid can weigh on you for a damn long time.

Now for my Kleenex. I wasn't trying to be a downer and apologize. I just want people to understand that it is as important as you say.

a reply to: droid56

I made peace with my parents when they died- I couldn't have done so when they were alive.

As long as they lived I would've held animosity towards them for what they did-but now that they've departed I can look back at the fleeting moments of happiness that they gave me and now I have a greater understanding of why they did what they did.

But I will never forgive them.

a reply to: TrueBrit
Always enjoy reading your stuff. I can relate with you. I have I guess what youd call a second hand perception of that. Seeing the scum abusive parents my wife has. I get sick of all the people in her life who do not know the full story, saying things about how they are still her parents etc..

I am close to my parents though fortunately. If you ever need to talk man inbox me. I know the anger and frustration these issues can cause.

a reply to: Kangaruex4Ewe
So sorry for your loss, Kanga. I like your sentiment about "doing pretty well for your first shot at it." Gulp.


Flyers, I agree about keeping one's distance from passive-aggressive types, no matter who they are. For me (and I have the Mom from Hell), the key is to forgive and just let all the past things go, while not putting myself in a position to be hurt by her again. Some people think that holding on to unforgiveness is about the other person. Really, it's about one's own mental & emotional health. Someone once described unforgiveness as "lighting your own head on fire because you're mad at somebody else."

One other thing that I try to remind myself of: no matter how badly my parent misbehaves, I would not be here without her.

a reply to: TrueBrit

I hear you, People used to tell me that I would regret wanting nothing to do with my mom shortly before she died. She committed suicide and I had never been more relived in my life that I would never have to deal with her again. I got cold hearted and worse names, but 15 years later, there are still no regrets. The only thing I regret is never knowing what it would have been like to have a mom that cared about anything other than where her next fix was going to come from.

originally posted by: FlyersFan

The following is my opinion as a member participating in this discussion.

originally posted by: droid56
If not, make peace with them before they're gone. And I say this knowing that some misbehavior might not deserve your forgiveness in this life.

Forgive? Sure. It's good for my karma. But when dealing with someone who is passive/aggressive it's best to keep some distance there. Otherwise, they screw up your life.

As an ATS Staff Member, I will not moderate in threads such as this where I have participated as a member.

I AGREE 101 % with that flyersfan my dear old mother would start a fight in a empty house , 3 weeks ago i came back without her cigarettes and she blew her top on me even when i told her i was to sore to walk back down to the shops after doing her garden / walking the dog etc .

I had to tell her she was to hard work and stress full and it would be better if we kept our distance , i was raised by her parents as she was always to busy to look after her children

You guys aren't getting it. It's not for THEM that you come to this, it's for YOU:



Yeah, I've got stories too but as I get older(50's) I realize that you can't hold that crap anymore and be content. Let it go for YOURSELF! Hypocrite says, "I'm only halfway there." Dealt with Dad issues. Mom.....ongoing.

a reply to: intrepid
My father was flawed but not horrifically bad. Your post tells the truth when it comes to extremely flawed parents. Do it so you can let it go. It's really for you so that you can move on.

And forgive me for saying this in this particular thread, but if reincarnation is actually the system we currently operate in, working on difficult relationships might not be a waste of time since our death or the death of a parent might not mean the interaction is over. Please ignore this last paragraph if it doesn't relate to your sense of our possible reality.

originally posted by: TrueBrit
a reply to: droid56

The only peace I wish to ever find, between my father, and myself, is the sort of peace that comes only after a final and catastrophic hammer blow to the base of the skull.

I'm not trying to be a downer, but there are some people that ones life, and the planet in general, can do well without. Trying to make peace with some of these people, is like a body making peace with bone cancer, in that its a bad idea, and kicking the snot out of the disgusting corruption is a much better one.

However, each to their own. Now my mother on the other hand... I do not need to make peace with her. We stand against the tides of madness shoulder to shoulder, look out for one another and others. We share solidarity of purpose, and unity of action. She's a great human being, and the only times we ever collide in an unpleasant manner, it's because we are so similar, rather than because either of us is wrong, or deliberately antagonistic, like my father was.

His semen was necessary for your current existence. Was his relationship to you an unhappy accident? I don't think so. Forget karma. Something else. Don't ask me.

I have sometimes honestly wished I could have made peace with my Dad before he died, but then I remember...... Take all the bad things about people, greed, pettiness, selfishness, violent, abusive and roll it all in to one. There's Dad. From as far back as I can remember, he was a physically and mentally abusive alcoholic. Quick tempered and even quicker with a fist. When I was about 12?, I was sitting on the couch, watching cartoons on a Saturday morning, he at the kitchen table. For no reason that I can think of to this day, he got up, came in the room, grabbed the front of my shirt, yanked me up and punched me in the face 3 times, then slammed me back down. Grown man punching a 12 year old as hard as he would have hit another grown man. That was basically my life from birth to the day I moved out at 17. Fast forward to him at 64, dying of lung cancer. Still mean, nasty and mentally abusive. I went to help, only because my Mom needed me. She was always afraid to leave him, because he said he would hunt us down, no matter where we went. I believe he would have. He was that evil of a person. He would still cuss at me for not doing something exactly the way he wanted. I haven't been to his grave since we buried him and the only reason I ever will is to piss on it. I truly hope he is burning in Hell. It's all he deserves.

a reply to: DAVID64
This is an example of when forgiveness is not possible. The question is how this person could behave in such a nasty manner toward his child. The answer is not clear. But the range of human interactions doesn't give us the answer. Something else is playing a big role in how things go wrong in our lives.

We are being interfered with by others.

originally posted by: droid56
I was looking through a photo album this evening, and I stopped to focus on a picture of my father and me. I was about 16 years old, and he was in his fat phase. Now that I am 65 years old, my dad doesn't look very old in that picture now. My dad died in 1999.

I used to be not very close to my father. I was a sensitive, artistic, kind of physically small boy, and my dad was a tough guy, very handy with a saw and hammer. I had one brother who was everything I wasn't, tall, good at athletics, handy with tools, popular with the girls. I could sense that my dad preferred my brother to me. And that caused me to feel pain, and thus the wall between my father and me grew strong over my teenage years.

In my early adult years, there was never hostility between us, but our relationship was a bit on the cool side. But as I moved into early middle age, I began to grasp the reality that we are all creatures that have been conditioned by our environment. My father believed that we should "spare the rod and spoil the child", and "children should be seen and not heard" because that is what he heard his father say over and over to him.

And one day, I began to realize that my aging father was not going to be around too many more years, and that I should make the effort to improve my relationship with my father since I was a product of a more enlightened generation when it comes to parent-child relationships.

And that is what I did. I visited his home way more often, and I showed more love towards him, and over time the love I expressed became more a reflection of my true feelings. In fact, I finally understood it was there all along.

When I think of my dad, I feel happy that we became close in his final years. I know my mom, who died in 2000, was happy to see us grow closer.

If you are close to your aging parents, I'm happy for you. If not, make peace with them before they're gone. And I say this knowing that some misbehavior might not deserve your forgiveness in this life.

This is a very important thing to do especially for boys (males). I had this conversation with my dad a couple years before he died )suddenly). I told him I hated him for divorcing my mother and that allowed me to see him as human and not "above human" like sons tend to do I was allowed to see him as fallible, which allowed me to separate from him. Very important for internal growth.