Home Sweet Biohazard

As far as tempers go, mine is legendary. Though my temperament has mellowed substantially since I hit my forties and am approaching fifty, it is still quite impressive when it is triggered.

Over the years I have learned that many of my temper triggers are hyper-personal and have adapted my behavior to respect the fact that others do not really have a way of knowing where those little eccentric triggers may lay. My mind is like a mine field in that sense and I do my best not to blow up should anyone step in the wrong spot ( Well unless they KNOW that stepping there will trigger me, in which case the reaction is exponentially larger ).

But this? The subject I am about to discuss... I have NO clue at all how to react to it. Understanding requires a bit of a backstory.

Nearly eight years ago I had a breakdown. Long story short, I am still recovering and am told by some amazing doctors that the type of breakdown I had is the sort that nobody ever fully returns from. I accept that and make the best of it. I am better than I was a year ago, and will be better, still, a year from today. My trajectory is positive and I'll take it.

Due to that breakdown my living sitution has been, shall we say, fluid. I've spent a year here, a month there, another year here... and so forth for the past eight years.

About thirteen months ago my sisters husband left her and she invited me to come live with her. She did not like being alone nor did she like the idea of having to do "mans work", things like mowing the yard and fixing the cable. So I moved all of my stuff into her house and thought that I had finally found a stable place to call home as I fought with Social Security and tried to patch my life back together.

Unfortunately her estranged husband, at that time, still exercised absolute control of the house, even though he had already moved in with another woman. After fifteen years of marriage my sister was still conditioned to be the "good wife" and chaos ensued.

It took the ex less than a month to make things so unbearable for all involved that I left - all of my worldly possessions still sitting here, bar a few items I had packed into a duffel bag.

THAT is not what has me steamed. I ended up in a group facility for a year and, though it sounds horrible, it is probably the single best thing that has ever happened to me in my adult life - aside from the births of my children.

What DOES have me pissed to the nines is that, in my absence, the room that had been mine became a storage shed for both of my nephews wordly belongings. One of those nephews also helped himself to whatever he wanted from my possessions.

So, as I write these words, I am doing so from a room that could make anything shown on the TV show "Hoarders" look like amateur hour. There is a path from the door to the bed, and a path from the bed to my desk. Aside from that, junk and garbage stacked to the ceiling. Everytime I get up the motivation to start cleaning, the first thing I move reveals the kind of garbage that makes one want to puke... Plates with long rotted food, fast food bags filled with rotten leftovers, etc.

This is beyond disgusting. In fact this is beyond anything I have ever seen before in my 48 years of life.

I am not quite sure what aspect of it has me specifically angered. I pay rent to live here and maybe I feel that my sister should have at least attempted to make the room liveable before I arrived. She and I did spend months preparing for this move. She had substantial advance notice.

Maybe I am angry at the two nephews ( one is a good kid, the other a lost cause ) for deciding that this room was a garbage bin / storage unit. I realize this behavior wasn't directed at me, as they would have had no idea that I would ever return here. But it is still unfathomably disrespectful to their mother for them to have created a dump in the midst of an otherwise nice house.

I am DEFINITELY angry at the bad nephew for stealing some of my most prized possessions ( The little jerk stole my $190 Doc Martens that had MASSIVE sentimental value to me far outweighing their cost ). But that is a separate issue that I will address when the little twerp gets out of jail ( He is always in jail ).

Maybe I am angry at myself for not having the wherewithall to simply have dove in headfirst and fixed this mess two days ago when I first got here. It is a formidable undertaking, but it is not like five or six hours of hard work wouldn't fix it.

What I do know is that the idea of buying a can of gas and a match is far more tempting than digging through more of this trash.

/end rant

a reply to: Hefficide

Sorry you are going through that. Have you tried talking to your sister about this mess? Like tell her you aren't going to pay rent when you can't even move around in the room? She needs to get her remaining son and herself in there and start cleaning up. Sounds like she has a good deal going to me, she has someone to do yard work and repairs around her house,PLUS pay rent to her. Yeah,she needs to get in there and clean up so its livable. My brother lives with me and he doesn't pay rent right now since he has no income. I have taken care of him knowing he was going to have a break down. I waited, and he finally had it and ended up in the hospital. He has been going and having it treated all year now and is getting better. But Social Security is dragging its feet on paying him. In the meantime, he mows my lawn and does the repairs around my house for me(with my help). He even steps in and helps with my animals if I'm busy. He or I will fix dinner every night and clean up. We don't fight and it works out. He runs errands and everything for me,so I just bought him a nice bike for his birthday since he loves to ride. It will be good for him. Good luck to you and I hope it works out.

a reply to: Hefficide

Would bribery work? Bribe the kids and sis to help you toss and sort stuff in return for some chore that the kids cannot do and that sis wants done? The other logical better thing though would be to sit down with her and show that when you rent a room, it should be empty of other people's stuff. I rented a room in a house for a week and there was no bed in it so yep, lots of storage stuff, vacuum cleaner and brooms, plus I had to sleep on the floor.

All in all though, that situation is untenable for your well-being. How do you feel about finding another place to live where you aren't so cramped? A pain in the oss but would it be preferable in the long run?

a reply to: aboutface

The kids are both long gone. The youngest ( the good one ) turned 18, got a Job in Montgomery, Alabama at the Hyundai plant as an apprentice electrician making mega-bucks.

The eldest ( the not so good one ) is currently a resident of the county jail.

I am trying not to get to a point where I feel my sister should fix things because she works ( We live in the Atlanta area and even though her job is only about 50 miles away, it's a two hour one way drive ). She is also living in the fallout of her divorce - to a control freak who abused her for 15 years then, one day, decided he was a woman trapped in a mans body, left her for a "lesbian" and began the sex change process.

The funny part is that they call me the crazy one!

a reply to: Hefficide

Perspective.

Perspective is a wonderful thing. What you are seeing is a symptom of someone else's problem/issue.

You are healing. You are getting better. You are growing and have a different perspective on things.

Of course it is frustrating. And rightly so.

Perhaps you can use this as a moment to help others with their problems now.

Just a wee suggestion.

beez.

Your sister had to have known what the room was like. I say she should help you clean it up along with her son and soon! Sounds like a health hazard. You have been through enough and deserve better. She should not be charging you a dime until that mess is cleaned up. Good luck Honey. Once you have a decent living environment, you can sit back and relax and heal more. Hugs!

Oh I missed your post above Heff. I do feel for your sister and what she has been through. If she can help you do some cleaning at least, it would be helpful. One day at a time.

a reply to: beezzer

A point well made and taken.

Thank you my bunnyesque friend!

a reply to: Hefficide

Hefficide - your story is amazing and inspiring. You have proven to yourself and to others that you have come through the worst. This is an amazing feat. And I'm sure a lot of it was painful and unimaginable and the biggest fight of your life.

This is secondary to what you've been through and how much you've grown. Don't let anyone else make you react - think it through and think what is best for you.

It sounds like your sister wants you there but is hardly managing to keep her own mind and family together. This doesn't make her a bad person or weak, it's just she's undergoing her own trails at this time. So whatever the reason let it go. I think it's incredibly ignorant, selfish and heartless to subject you to this kind of room and the trespass of your personal belongings. This is like a kick in the gut. However I have a feeling that your sister and her children are all functioning on the bare minimum and thinking of someone else just hasn't entered their reality.

The good thing about cleaning up your room will be you now will know how clean it is and it will feel more like yours. Get a lock on your stuff if possible and hopefully you will now be the positive man role in this household, someone for the boys to look up to and respect and learn from.

Keep up the fantastic work.

With regards to the not-so-good nephew, you know that he's an irresponsible, immature, selfish little *bleep*... so you have to take that for what's it's worth and accept the fact that he's going to pull some BS behind anyone's back when they're not looking. You'll have to deal with him one on one when he gets out of jail to get your stuff back (hopefully he didn't pawn it all off).

With regards to your room, it sounds like your sister is probably not her whole self in dealing with everything she's been dealing with... so my advice on the filthy room thing:

Spend the 6 hours cleaning everything out yourself, which in a way will give you some self-satisfaction as well as giving your sister a bit of a helping hand (which I'm sure she would appreciate). Hell, maybe even buy a can of paint and fix it up to your tastes... make it your own little sanctuary. And once you've got it all cleaned up to your liking, put a lock on the door so nobody can go in there and invade your personal space again.


Yes, you're pissed and rightfully so... but as beezzer said, take a deep breath, step back and put it all into perspective.

It'll help to clear your head so you can get done what needs to get done.


Hope that helps !

Very good advice from you,CranialSponge,Hefficide,i know how intimidating such a mess can be-it's a thing of"Where do i even Start?!?" but plan on a specific day,designate that day for nothing but the clean-up-and i know such a job can be a disgusting crummy job-but keep at it,with a break now+then,i would suggest a break every hour+half.That way,even after the 1st hour+half,you will see progress.Just keep at it,till it's done.After it's finally done,you will have a room to make your own,decorate,modify as you wish,according to your needs and likes.But you have to do it in one fell swoop-that's the only way to go.And keep out a few cold ones/movie you've wanted to see/delish meal etc as a reward to yourself afterwards,when you are left with a "virgin" room-and enjoy the rest after,plan what you can now do with your own space-it really is worth the workload.a reply to: CranialSponge

a reply to: Hefficide

You should just clean it. I think you'll feel a hell of a lot better afterwards.

a reply to: Hefficide


I agree with CranialSponge.

It's not right that you had to move into a room like that, but your sister is going through some hard times, and it does take time until she will be okay again.


I'd clean it up myself, repaint it, maybe even buy some nice furniture, and then change the LOCK.

Bad nephew can buy his own stuff.

Wow what a story, We feel for you and hope things work out OK.
There is definitely plenty of room for anger in your situation.
Stuff in your post would have put me over the top as-well for sure.

Hang tough and good vibes to you!

Regards, Iwinder & YogaGinns

Y'all have been too nice. If it were me I would give them 48 hours notice that it was all going into big trash bags with no sorting of dirty plates, etc. Just jam it in there. Then I would either put it in the back corner of the garage or put a listing on Craigslist "Free". After hearing your intentions the good nephew would be there pronto and the one in jail will cry and moan and then a friend will show up to pick up his stuff. Hold strong to a deadline on clearing it out, no exceptions or it is free on Craigslist. That's mho,

STM