posted on Oct, 4 2014 @ 11:34 PM
As far as tempers go, mine is legendary. Though my temperament has mellowed substantially since I hit my forties and am approaching fifty, it is still
quite impressive when it is triggered.
Over the years I have learned that many of my temper triggers are hyper-personal and have adapted my behavior to respect the fact that others do not
really have a way of knowing where those little eccentric triggers may lay. My mind is like a mine field in that sense and I do my best not to blow up
should anyone step in the wrong spot ( Well unless they KNOW that stepping there will trigger me, in which case the reaction is exponentially larger
But this? The subject I am about to discuss... I have NO clue at all how to react to it. Understanding requires a bit of a backstory.
Nearly eight years ago I had a breakdown. Long story short, I am still recovering and am told by some amazing doctors that the type of breakdown I had
is the sort that nobody ever fully returns from. I accept that and make the best of it. I am better than I was a year ago, and will be better, still,
a year from today. My trajectory is positive and I'll take it.
Due to that breakdown my living sitution has been, shall we say, fluid. I've spent a year here, a month there, another year here... and so forth for
the past eight years.
About thirteen months ago my sisters husband left her and she invited me to come live with her. She did not like being alone nor did she like the idea
of having to do "mans work", things like mowing the yard and fixing the cable. So I moved all of my stuff into her house and thought that I had
finally found a stable place to call home as I fought with Social Security and tried to patch my life back together.
Unfortunately her estranged husband, at that time, still exercised absolute control of the house, even though he had already moved in with another
woman. After fifteen years of marriage my sister was still conditioned to be the "good wife" and chaos ensued.
It took the ex less than a month to make things so unbearable for all involved that I left - all of my worldly possessions still sitting here, bar a
few items I had packed into a duffel bag.
THAT is not what has me steamed. I ended up in a group facility for a year and, though it sounds horrible, it is probably the single best thing that
has ever happened to me in my adult life - aside from the births of my children.
What DOES have me pissed to the nines is that, in my absence, the room that had been mine became a storage shed for both of my nephews wordly
belongings. One of those nephews also helped himself to whatever he wanted from my possessions.
So, as I write these words, I am doing so from a room that could make anything shown on the TV show "Hoarders" look like amateur hour. There is a
path from the door to the bed, and a path from the bed to my desk. Aside from that, junk and garbage stacked to the ceiling. Everytime I get up the
motivation to start cleaning, the first thing I move reveals the kind of garbage that makes one want to puke... Plates with long rotted food, fast
food bags filled with rotten leftovers, etc.
This is beyond disgusting. In fact this is beyond anything I have ever seen before in my 48 years of life.
I am not quite sure what aspect of it has me specifically angered. I pay rent to live here and maybe I feel that my sister should have at least
attempted to make the room liveable before I arrived. She and I did spend months preparing for this move. She had substantial advance notice.
Maybe I am angry at the two nephews ( one is a good kid, the other a lost cause ) for deciding that this room was a garbage bin / storage unit. I
realize this behavior wasn't directed at me, as they would have had no idea that I would ever return here. But it is still unfathomably disrespectful
to their mother for them to have created a dump in the midst of an otherwise nice house.
I am DEFINITELY angry at the bad nephew for stealing some of my most prized possessions ( The little jerk stole my $190 Doc Martens that had MASSIVE
sentimental value to me far outweighing their cost ). But that is a separate issue that I will address when the little twerp gets out of jail ( He is
always in jail ).
Maybe I am angry at myself for not having the wherewithall to simply have dove in headfirst and fixed this mess two days ago when I first got here. It
is a formidable undertaking, but it is not like five or six hours of hard work wouldn't fix it.
What I do know is that the idea of buying a can of gas and a match is far more tempting than digging through more of this trash.