I tried for years to figure these things out. Tried deciding them, but found that doesn't create any integrity. I decide blue is my favorite color,
but observe that I repeatedly am drawn to red.
Then I tried simply observing myself, and determining who I am and my preferences based upon what I simply tend towards repeatedly- my favorite music
is the one I have been playing most often, for example.
But as soon as I came to the conclusion, then it would change.
So I accept that the only thing I can determine about my inner personality and character is that it is constantly in flux and changing!
Yet some part of me still yearns for stability...Now, I tend to think of it as my body, though that might not be totally accurate, to separate mind
and body this way. But it is a description of how I experience this subjectively.
My body has a need for ritual, for movements, actions and contexts that are familiar. To feel
part of my environment- that I have a role within
it, that my body knows and can carry out.
I found that can be done with some sort of hobby or sport, in which you have to develop basic skills, condition certain muscle memory and reflexes,
that become automatic.
I am into horsemanship, and I tell you, I never know as much peace as when I am with my horse.
Whether we are galloping through the forest, or simply walking back to the barn warm and relaxed after a long ride in silence, this is where my body
feels at home. It doesn't need the brain to control anything, it carries out the exchanges with the other on it's own, it is in sync with the outside.
Those moments, my mind is silent, there are no thoughts, no internal dialogue, and yet, a knowing of who I am which is rather intense and profound.
I have talked to people who found this same sort of experience in other activities, but always ones in which it took a period of time to develop
skills in it first, before reaching that state. When you can play music with an instrument, without putting effort into finding the correct keys, for
It is a sense of : I am that from which this song emerges.
The rest of the time, I can go about flying by the seat of my pants with no preconceived notions or habits, and my mind feels free to learn and have
new experiences, and that makes another part of me happy. But every once in a while, I need to go back to that ritual, get out the brushes and
hoofpicks, and enter my silent ritual with my horse again.
I just started reading an interesting book, "The Dice Man" by Luke Rhinehart, which deals with the opposite perspective- a man who yearns to escape
from the mold he has created of who he is and his relation to the world. It is rather interesting and a great read.
edit on 27-9-2014 by
Bluesma because: (no reason given)