How To Stop Being Fat The Absurdist Way

Apparently the ultimate way to lose weight is to become a drunk stoner whose diet consists of chocolate bars and peanut butter sandwiches.

You think I’m pulling your chain?

Step 1. Drink a couple medium sized glasses of wine or hard alcohol mixers every day.

A six-year study of 43,500 people by the University of Denmark. Key findings: teetotallers and infrequent drinkers ended up with the biggest waistlines, daily drinkers had the smallest.

Step 2. Smoke a joint every day.

Current marijuana users had significantly smaller waist circumference than participants who had never used marijuana, even after adjusting for factors like age, sex, tobacco and alcohol use, and physical activity levels. They also had higher levels of HDL (“good cholesterol“). The most significant differences between those who smoked marijuana and those who never or no longer did was that current smokers’ insulin levels were reduced by 16 percent and their insulin resistance (a condition in which the body has trouble absorbing glucose from the bloodstream) was reduced by 17 percent.

People who had previously used marijuana, but not in the past thirty days, tended to have similar outcomes, but to a much lesser degree. In addition, none of these measures were impacted by how much marijuana people reported smoking.

Step 3. Eat chocolate with lunch and dinner.

Eat chocolate 20 minutes before and five minutes after lunch and dinner to cut your appetite by up to 50 percent…. In one study from the University of L’Aquila in Italy, people who ate a candy bar’s worth of dark chocolate once a day for 15 days in a row decreased their potential for insulin resistance by almost 50 percent.

Step 4. Try swapping out the carbs in your diet for fat.

In 2003, a U.S. university team of nutritionists tested two slimming diets — each amounting to the same number of calories — on a group of overweight women.

One diet was very low-fat and relatively high in carbohydrate. The other was high in fat but low in carbohydrate. What do you think happened?

The low-fat dieters lost 3.9kg (almost 9lb), but the high-fat dieters lost more than twice that: 8.5kg (almost 19lb).

Step 5. Eat nuts, including peanuts and peanut butter.

Bleich, who wasn’t involved in the new report, said his own work has shown measures of insulin resistance — a diabetes predictor — were lower when people added nuts to their diets.

“One would generally think if you’re increasing the ‘fat content’ of the diet, you might in fact make insulin resistance worse,” he told Reuters Health. “It speaks to this issue of the quality of the fats that we consume.”

Nuts may also suppress hunger because of their unsaturated fats, fiber and protein, the researchers noted.

Step 6. Stop doing cardio and start lifting weights.

The first reason weight lifting is a good option for fat loss is because it boosts metabolic rate both over the short term as well as over the long term. In the hours after an intense weight-lifting session you will experience an increase in metabolic rate. What’s more, weight lifting will help you maintain your total amount of lean muscle mass, creating a permanent increase in metabolism.

Cardio training will only cause a short rise in metabolic rate for an hour or two after the session, taking away from the overall calorie-burning benefits compared with resistance training.

Often, overdoing cardio will actually decrease your total lean body mass, so you could see a reduction in metabolism over time working against your fat loss efforts…

The second reason to choose weight lifting for fat loss purposes is because, while cardio may make you lose weight, weight lifting will help you lose body fat, altering your body composition.

Many individuals who just hop on the treadmill to lose the pounds don’t end up looking much different — even if they do successfully lose 10 to 20 pounds. This is because they still have the same proportion of muscle mass to body fat; they are just “smaller.”

Step 7. Cut out the caffeine.

For some people, a high caffeine intake could result in weight gain or make weight loss very difficult, if not impossible…Just like stress and a lack of sleep are associated with weight gain because of the increase they cause in your cortisol levels, you can also experience problems with your weight by drinking too much coffee. High cortisol levels resulting from excessive caffeine are more likely to put extra weight around your waist, according to Dr. Len Kravitz, program coordinator of exercise science and a researcher at the University of New Mexico

Step 8. Go to Old Country Buffet and gorge yourself on all items until you can’t breathe without unbuttoning your pants.

Since that’s what you’ve been planning to do this entire time anyways. Why do all that work when you can become morbidly obese and ride around on a government provided rascal? Think of the rascal. It needs you.

In all seriousness, the ultimate bottom line is that a caloric deficit needs to be reached (with the apparent exception of calories from alcohol) in order for a person to lose weight. However, armed with the research above, reaching that caloric deficit may be quite an enjoyable process.

I love how everything listed is pretty much the opposite of conventional dieting. Caffeine can make you gain weight? Pot can make you lose weight? What!?

It seems the conventional diet being pushed by the likes of Michelle Obama hasn’t done very well at reducing America’s bloated disgusting waistline. Perhaps a drunk-stoner-chocolate-peanut butter diet should be promoted instead. I would kill to attend a high school that offered these menu options.

Think about it. We could kill two birds with one stone! No kid would EVER skip school or drop out, and they would all be fit! You can’t teach a kid if he isn’t there to learn!

I'm living proof man!

So let’s see if we can put a sample diet together from this mess. I happen to be cutting right now so I’ll give it a shot.

Breakfast

3x eggs scrambled with 1 tbsp butter and a sprinkle of real bacon bits and pico de gallo (400 calories). Decaf coffee with cream (40 calories). A total of 440 calories for breakfast.

For those of you who say you don’t have time to make eggs, I call bull#. I get up 10 minutes earlier to make them. That’s all it takes. And drink the coffee like a man.

Lunch

2x squares 85% fine dark chocolate (115 calories) 2x small whole wheat tortillas (200 calories) 2x tbsp peanut butter – the real stuff you have to mix by hand (200 calories) or swap out one sandwich for a quarter cup almonds (205 calories.) A total 515 calories for lunch. This can be prepared the night before, no refrigeration required. Drink water like a man.

Dinner

2x squares 85% fine dark chocolate (115 calories) Quarter rotisserie chicken breast (300 calories) Cup of butter and herb infused wild rice cooked (250 calories) 4x 2″ peanut butter celery sticks (100-200 calories). A total of 765 calories for dinner.

Make your own rice, and hopefully your local grocer makes rotisserie chicken, which makes for four full servings that can be refrigerated and reheated on the stove top for a minimal amount of work. I like to add bruschetta topping and fresh grated parmigiano reggiano to the dish before serving, so maybe throw in a 100 calories for that.

That brings us to a grand total of 1820 calories, not including the red wine for dinner which supposedly doesn't count.

I also recommend taking a multivitamin and calcium supplement, and spacing the chocolate and celery sticks out between meals if possible.

Feel free to post your own diet plans based on the OP

a reply to: AnarchoCapitalist

Just one point.... Peanuts are not nuts, they are legumes, and do not have the same health benefits as real nuts, such as cashews, almonds, walnuts, etc., have. Nuts grow above ground like fruits. Apart from that.... seems like a great diet plan to me!

originally posted by: jaxnmarko
a reply to: AnarchoCapitalist

Just one point.... Peanuts are not nuts, they are legumes, and do not have the same health benefits as real nuts, such as cashews, almonds, walnuts, etc., have. Nuts grow above ground like fruits. Apart from that.... seems like a great diet plan to me!

That's why I mentioned them separately from the nuts and included links under each name.

I do step 2-4-5-6 and 7 and I'm quite thin.

Maybe it is true.

Just wanted to add that Dark Chocolate is a great source of probiotics so helps with digestion etc..

Had to click, because absurdism. Sounds like the Paleo plan to me, though not sure if they include wine and dark chocolate - but I would.

Also, dark chocolate DIPPED in natural peanut butter...mmmmmmm!

I read a study that said dark chocolate was good for an upset tummy because the bacteria in your gut really like it.

That may be why its good for losing weight too.

I'm 6' 2" tall, 38 years old and weighed in at 204 today.

I typically do two weight lifting workouts in the gym every week, along with at least one more day of push-ups and calisthenics at home.

According to various calorie calculators, I burn between 2800-3100 calories per day. I probably burn more though because I'm constantly fidgeting around.

I'm shooting for a weight of around 194, which would put me at the upper end of the normal BMI range for my height.

It will be interesting to see how well this works.

Stress is definitely a thing in weight management and modern American life is full of stress. Couple that with the totally wrong thinking on fats and the over-consumption of carbs, particularly the simple and processed carbs so prevalent in the modern American diet, and you can really begin to grasp the root causes of the obesity epidemic.

The really sad part is that people thought they were just doing what they were supposed to do.

a reply to: kosmicjack

Yeah I agree.

I think corn subsidies are also a major factor in the obesity epidemic.

People were stressed before 1960, but they weren't fat.

Corn is off the charts when it comes to the glycemic index.

Corn or corn derivatives are in virtually everything.

a reply to: AnarchoCapitalist

Yes, agreed. Plus it's genetically moddified to endure ridiculous amounts of glyphosate, the biological effects of which is highly debatable.

Modern life is virtually unsustainable. It's go, go, go just to keep up, nevermind get ahead. To even eat whole foods takes time and money that so many don't have.

When I was drinking, this was true. But smoking? Nope. Forget the munchies. I'd get HUNGRY! Slide a chair up to the refrigerator and start eatin'. A frozen pork chop ain't that bad when you put a little chocolate syrup on it. It's kinda like a meat brownie. And god forbid you go shopping. You can only fit so many boxes of Captain Crunch in the buggy. And tater chips.....lawd lawd lawd. They don't stand a chance.

I need to drop a little weight right now. My pants are getting tight, and I've been sober since '08. lol

a reply to: AnarchoCapitalist
Great post!