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originally posted by: neomaximus10
i have been very interested the past few month, and continue to be very interested in getting in touch with my true self. when i think about myself, the word that comes quickest is "lost". my mind works a little differently than most peoples...i shall explain. i find it extremely easy to show NO emotion, what i mean by that is when someone i know very well, a family member or close friend gets hurt, or has something bad happen in their life, i cant understand it, let alone feel sorrow or care, or love. i try and pretend to care, but i dont ever get that true "feeling" of care, or sorrow or love. its almost like if everyone and everything was taken from me, it wouldnt bother me, i wouldnt be sad that they r gone, i wouldnt cry, i wouldnt be angry, i would be more bored since i would have nothing and nobody there for me. while i write this i think in my head, does this mean my ego is so massive there is no way to beat it, or am i so self absorbed i am numb to everything and everyone around me? i feel that i have a reason that i am here for, i have no idea what that reason is, and i feel lost because i am so emotionally detached from everything i think.i have been like this since i can remember, and i dont want to be like this, i want to truly care for someone, i want to truly cry because i am truly sad. i want to truly feel feelings...i guess what i am getting at here is, what should i do when i meditate to get this stupid emotion roadblock out of my head, im tired of feeling or lack of feeling...i love helping people, and giving to people, but the more i think of it, the more i think i just do it for myself, not the other person, so i can hear thank you, or man u really helped me out, to make me feel good inside...just typing this and letting it out is making me realize more and more my ego is so big and so bad....i dont consider myself a bad person, and i am kind, polite, and go out of my way to help people every day...i just feel empty because it seems like i do it for me, and not for them...i want to do it for them, not for me, i dont want to feed my ego anymore, i want to "wake up" and FEEL...i know it will be a very hard road to take, and i need guidance on how to be truly selfless, and not think of myself. sorry if this seems like a rant, i just want to get in touch with my true self and find my true feelings, i know they are in there, i just dont know how to let them out....thank your for letting me get thiss off my chest, any advice would be wonderful, thank you.