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originally posted by: SystemResistor
a reply to: Itisnowagain
I feel that "choice" intercedes between acting autonomously, from the "source", and choosing to act from what one "observes" externally - that being the "false" self. The problem is that, fear is the barrier that prevents me from abstaining from this choice, fear of expressing myself causes a sudden displacement of my awareness, and then, usually, I resort to choosing to express the external "him".
Sometimes, when conversation is dry, and I get to be the instigator of a conversation, I have thoughts occur to me, and then, usually, I choose not to express them. Every time this happens I am denying my inner-self, and the result is a brief "shadow" in my mind of "what I could have said" and the following fear of "what could have happened if I said it" feeding and reinforcing the falsity.
originally posted by: Watchfull
You sound similar to myself, in many ways.
I can write with very good clarity, and convey my messages well, but am unable to reach anywhere near my level of communication, when speaking.
Having said that, I too, am often ignored, and spoken over whilst attempting to converse, but here's the hitter, and this has only become apparent in recent years.
originally posted by: Dystopium
a reply to: SystemResistor
Maybe this inner self you think you want to be isn't really the you that you truly want to represent you, thus this conflict within your inner self and the deeper part of you that suppresses it. Maybe it's simply a fantasy you that you imagine would take control and shape things in your favor, yet there's still the deeper part of you saying it's not right and it's not really what you want. Maybe you need to keep searching to find the you that you want. At least this is how this thread made me feel about myself. It's a struggle reconciling all the selves into that desired being but I think eastern religions hold the key to that search.