Selfish or Just Fed Up?

I'll try to present this as fairly as I can, but I'm honestly at the end of my rope.
For 3 years, I've been driving back and forth to Texas from Illinois, quite often. Not for work, not for fun, just to be what I basically think of as taxi service. At first, I thought I was doing the right thing and still do. But lately, I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. All of my close family lives in Texas now. My oldest son, my sister, my nephew and his wife and kids, so I got to see them pretty often and thought of it as a perk. After my Dad died almost 10 years ago, My Mom got in the habit of spending Winter there and came back home to Kentucky in the Spring. She is 72 and in very good health, one of those tough ol' country gals that seems to get tougher with age.Very independent, still drives and mows her own yard [ almost 5 acres ] She says she could make the drive herself, but just feels better if I take her and come get her when she wants to come back. The problem is, they feel that it's ok to expect me down there when they want me there. She and my sister get on each others nerves after a while and the inevitable argument happens. Now, both are calling me [ as usual ] complaining about the other and I'm hearing from my sister how unreasonable my Mom is ..and from my Mom, I'm hearing how unreasonable my sister is. Guess who's caught in the middle? Yep. ME.
Now, I've been disabled for several years and it's tough for me to make that drive. I take what some would consider heavy narcotics for pain [ taken them for years, so they don't effect me any more than Tylenol effects you ]and 12 hours in a car is pure torture on my back, legs and hips, so I stop often, which turns a 12 hour drive into a 14 hour drive. I usually leave at 2:00 am, just to try to beat the worst of the Dallas/Fort Worth traffic jams in the afternoon. Those from D/FW can testify to the nightmare of that area around 5:00 - 8:00 pm. It seems like they want me there at the most Inconvenient times. I took her down in January. In March she wanted me to come get her. March 8 is my son's birthday and it was his 16th, an important year in a young man's life, so I told them they would have to wait till the week after his birthday. That plan was not well received. In June she wanted to go back for the birth of my nephew's 2nd child. Back we went. NOW, she and my sister are at it again and she's ready to come back. My sister called and actually said "Come get her now or she'll be living on the street".
I have a family of my own to take care of and it seems they expect me to put that aside to be a taxi service. My daughter's birthday is Sept 11th and she made me promise to be back by then, which meant another fast turnaround trip. Drive down today, Monday, rest one day, then back on the road early Wed morning, drive my Mom to Kentucky, then another 3 1/2 hours to my house. This time, I had actually left at 2:30 this morning, got about an hour away and said "No, F**k this" and turned around and came back home. I've had it. I've tried to be a good son. I've tried to be a good brother. What I won't be any longer is a taxi.
Let me be clear, None of them have ever driven here to visit. None of them have ever come to get her or taken her back to Kentucky. Always me. My sister has a huge house, pool, hot tub, game room with a pool table, cinema room with soft leather recliners and a wall size TV, so it felt like staying in a nice hotel, without the expense. A 2 day mini vacation. Maybe this is mostly my fault for starting it to begin with, but I worry about my Mom traveling by herself and would agree to take her. Now, it's just taken for granted that I will come when called. It's not just this. For the last 2 years, since I don't work, they expect me to drop whatever I'm doing and come down to visit, just because they want me to. At any given moment, the phone may ring and my sister say " You're not doing anything, come down for a week". Uh yeah, I am doing something. I'm taking care of a house, getting my kids up and ready for school, cooking meals, doing laundry, taking care of pets, Taking Care Of My Family!. I don't want to be an ass about it, but I'm just fed up of being expected to jump when called. So, am I being selfish?

So, this sister with the plush digs has a car, I assume? She is probably not disabled either I take it?

Sounds like you did the right thing by saying not this time. Shes gotta meet you in the middle some time. That is a heck of a lot of driving to do for anyone much less a disabled person on pain meds. Sounds like the time is right to tell her shes responsible for your moms trip back and maybe thats how it should be. At the very least its half and half and not just one person driving all the time. If she complains, she is just going to have to MAKE time to do it and consult you in advance instead of just thrusting the job on you like that.

Good luck to you my friend

a reply to: rbkruspe

Not just a car, a 2013 Jaguar Portfolio.
No, she doesn't work and no kids. Thanks for your support, I'm actually feeling guilty over this......but enough is enough.

a reply to: DAVID64

I'm actually feeling guilty over this

You have my permission to stop.

Next time they ask, tell them I forbade it, and you don't want to cross me.

a reply to: DAVID64

You are not the selfish one in this story. You have been taken advantage of, to the point where your taxi service has become an expectation, and not even a favor anymore. You do not exist to serve at the pleasure of your sister. I can certainly understand your concern for your mother's travel, which was how this all got started.

But this is what I would let sister know: "I will be involved in Mom's travels to my house. I will no longer be responsible for her travels to and from your house. You will need to make other arrangements."

And don't take any bull about "well just come back and get her this time, you brought her here!" Just Say No!

originally posted by: DAVID64

Now, I've been disabled for several years and it's tough for me to make that drive.

I have a family of my own to take care of and it seems they expect me to put that aside to be a taxi service.

Let me be clear, None of them have ever driven here to visit. None of them have ever come to get her or taken her back to Kentucky. Always me.

Now, it's just taken for granted that I will come when called. It's not just this. laundry, taking care of pets, Taking Care Of My Family!. I don't want to be an ass about it, but I'm just fed up of being expected to jump when called. So, am I being selfish?

I have quoted a few key points in your thread. Honestly...you are not being selfish...you have reached well beyond your limits...my opinion is...it is they who are being selfish and treating you like a servant.

It is time to take good care of yourself; there are many other ways that they can travel back and forth...without your help.

Stay strong and consistent and just say NO!...or the unhappy and unhealthy cycle you find yourself in will continue.

Don't allow them to (guilt trip) you..nor (emotionally blackmail) you; take good care of yourself...because they sure aren't.

When was the last time they did for you?

a reply to: DAVID64

I somewhat understand your feelings of allowing yourself to be used, trapped by your willingness to help family. Once a year I drive to central Illinois to visit my brother. He would not dream of driving (or flying) to central Texas to visit me. A major part of that situation is that he controls my willingness to make the trip because we both know that he absolutely would not. So I do the trip. It is an on-going joke. I have told him that if he dies first I'm going to have him shipped down to Texas because I'm not coming up there again. And if I die first, I'm going to have myself shipped up there so he won't--at long last--have to come to Texas.

For the obstinate, it is a win-win situation...even worse when that person feels entitled. In your case, airplanes fly back and forth daily. Tell you mother to make arrangements to fly even it you have to travel down to Ky. to haul her to a fairly local airport. That arrangement still works to your benefit. Since she stays south for periods of a month, two or three, I doubt that that airfare would be much more than her living expense in her own house for that same period of time. I don't know who pays for the gas and wear and tear on the automobile during those trips, but that is another evidently and conveniently overlooked factor. Being a dutiful son/brother should have its limits and you can't let another person, even family member, set those limits. Good luck and don't let the guilt eat you alive.

(I wrote the above response with the understanding that you were self-supporting. However, on the possibility that you receive monetary help from your mother, that would change the dynamics of the whole situation. And I'll leave it at that.)

When was the last time they did for you?

a reply to: caladonea


I'd have to think long and hard on that one.

The medical term for swelling is edema. I looked that up for you. I get it in my ankles when I drive cross country. You being disabled means you shouldn't have to worry about such things.

I bring it up because if you're like me the word NO is very difficult to keep. I had to start using the tools I use with my kids with my siblings!

If you use this reason, you have put the burden of being selfish where it belongs, on those taking advantage of you.

Sorry. I can't believe you've put up with this as long as you have. Nope. Don't do it anymore. It's too far, and makes you physically in pain.


And whatever happened to "I'll bring her down there, if you bring her back home". Or everyone chips in for some type public transportation. Planes, trains and busses.

Or my favorite thing to exploitative relatives: Oh I wish I could, but I can't.

I feel for you. I know we love our relatives, but we have to draw a line at times for our own well being.

a reply to: Aliensun

That's where I'm driving from. Central Illinois [ Terre Haute is the closest "big" city ] to Texas, back up to Kentucky, then another 3 1/2 hours to my house. It can be exhausting.

a reply to: ladyinwaiting

I feel for you. I know we love our relatives, but we have to draw a line at times for our own well being.

Been on the phone for the last hour or so drawing the line.

There's a 99.9998% chance that anytime you get screwed over or taken advantage of, it will be by a family member. I had to put my foot down a long time ago. Now, I'm the asshole, but they know that I know their game and won't have it. But get this; It still doesn't stop them from trying from time to time, just to test the waters and see if I've slipped any. lol

You gotta be honest right to their face and tell them how it is, and how it's gonna be.

Oh, and I live with severe chronic pain too, and that's rough enough without having to put up with someone elses BS on top of it.

originally posted by: DAVID64
a reply to: ladyinwaiting

I feel for you. I know we love our relatives, but we have to draw a line at times for our own well being.

Been on the phone for the last hour or so drawing the line.

So, how did it go? David, don't get sucked into any guilt trips.

a reply to: ladyinwaiting

Amazingly enough, I got sincere, heartfelt apologies from both And an agreement I've made my last trip to Texas, unless we want to come down for vacation.

a reply to: DAVID64

I had to go back and read this twice to ensure I understood what you said was what I thought you said: 12 hours???? One way? You're disabled? Holy cow but you have bent over backwards to help your family. I consider a 45 minute ride to take people to their home after landing at the airport a super inconvenience. See in my mind that travel time IS part of THEIR holiday. I save up and plan for the even that I will need a cab to get to my own house. I live beside an airport and it's funny how everyone thinks it's so convenient for me to pick them up and drive them around yet I have never asked anyone to do the same for me. I just figure it's part of my holiday expense.

Sorry, rambling, but the way these people are taking advantage of you is terrible.

Sure you love your family but love is a give and take. Not take, take, take. They don't seem to consider the pain you are in as a result.

Love yourself and treat yourself. Next time you go 12 hours ONE WAY be sure it's to a vacation for yourself. You absolutely deserve it. No need to feel guilty. Sometimes we are hardest on ourselves and we are in a family position of having been a certain way for so long that people think that is who you are. No, you are worthy and entitled to be treated the same way. And if not then they can figure things out for themselves, they are all grown ups (other than your son but even then that has a limit as your job is to teach him to be independent, etc).

Treat yourself and remember that by you saying no should be the end of it. People have no right to ask why you are saying no or to beg.

You can do this. Time to love yourself! Hugs!

a reply to: DAVID64

Oh David! I'm so glad it worked out! See, they love you. I remember when my older brother became weakened due to some health issues, and my mind was still stuck in the "big powerful can do anything big-brother" mode. I had some adjustments I had to make, and I guess maybe they did too.

So happy you got it resolved. Good for you!

(I would put a thumbs up here, but these emo's are just too hideous for me to use.) : )

Awesome news! Glad you got some resolution and peace of mind now!

This makes me reflective a bit. Family is an interesting thing. Some families will go out of there way to take trips through states and fly all over to see each other regularly and then there are some that can't seem bothered to drive 15 mins to see their family every now and then. Some are too busy to make time. Mine are like that. Too busy for things.

The fact that they apologized to you and made a plan of action for next time is amazing in and of itself too! Sometimes people are too wrapped up to realize how they are causing undue stress to someone else. I am sure it was not the easiest conversation to have had, but it was necessary! Glad you stood up for yourself and it had such a positive outcome. Good work!

a reply to: DAVID64

Tell your sister you're not going to be able to do that anymore. Explain to her everything you posted here. If she was my sister if tell her I'm sick and tired of being taken advantage of. If your sister wants your mom to visit so much, she can driver her back and forth or pay for a plane ticket (don't know how close you and your sister are to the airport) or train ticket.

Your sister sound very much like my sister-in-law, it's all about her all the time.

Good luck! Family is fun!