Memories of a man in a prison of his own making. (autobiographical - please don't judge me)

Be forewarned, this is a piece of melodramatic misty-eyed romanticism topped with a heaping helping of nostalgic longing for a second lost in time.

I wrote this about a year ago, and have been living a healthier lifestyle for some months now (and it's showing). I was at a low point, rock bottom, contemplating suicide as I sometimes do at my lowest, and then I had a revelation, so I put pen to paper. I was just going through some of my papers from several months ago, before I returned to finish my education, and found a diary/notebook. This piece tickled my fancy.

Enjoy (or not, I'm not the boss of you), I just ask that you don't judge me.

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Depressed. I got to thinking about an old flame, one that never really lit. Bitter sweet memories leave me regretting every choice I've ever made.

A beautiful vision seen in profile, the sun setting on the sea behind her. We sat high on a cliff, unmindful of the drop; we were young, and as such, we were surely invincible. In that instant, her auburn hair turned the colour of gold by the setting sun, her tanned skin suddenly illuminated as if from within. She smiled at me, for me, as much with her eyes as with her mouth. And in that instant, before the passage of time so cruelly snatched it away, it was just us. I was content.

Despite this, I knew fully well that I wasn't the object of her affection. Knowing that pained me, but at the same time I felt incredibly fortunate to have shared a kinship with this heavenly beauty of whom I felt so unworthy.

What could have been, were I not utterly mental? The monster in me is never buried particularly deeply.

My behaviour drives those I love away. This is a mercy, perhaps, for them. This is because it's plain to see that the people who get close to me end up getting hurt in the end.

25. Virgin. 500 pounds. Never felt the touch of a woman. Never felt nonplatonic love.

I have my dreams.
And my memories.
And porn.
The porn helps.

a reply to: Monger

WoW. I bet we would find more than a few similar tales in the woods.

Thanks for the honesty. That is rare and takes real fortitude. Don't let discouragement about your figure or lost loves compete with that. Your gift is much greater.

“When dealing with critics always remember this: Critics judge things based on what is outside of their content of understanding.” ― Shannon L. Alder

You seem to maybe be unhappy with who you are and how others see you. Either use it as momentum to change, or learn to accept yourself and that this is who you will always be.

It's hard to be in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way. I feel your pain.

a reply to: tinker9917

I would say that yes, your assessment is more or less correct.

I'm happy to report that in the year or so since I wrote that, I've made a number of positive changes in my life.

When I was 16, I dropped out of high school. In March, I enrolled in a local community college to get my high school equivalency. After that, I plan to take business classes with the same community college. I've also lost weight. I've not been weighed in well over a year, but judging my the fit of my clothes I've been shedding pounds.

My dog (and best friend) Frankie and I take nightly strolls around the block, as I can't stand being out and about on foot in the day. It's very much a shame thing, I feel like how the Elephant Man must have felt, but unlike his affliction, mine is of my own making.

I like it...

So what did change since you are living healthy?

originally posted by: Monger
a reply to: tinker9917

I would say that yes, your assessment is more or less correct.

I'm happy to report that in the year or so since I wrote that, I've made a number of positive changes in my life.

When I was 16, I dropped out of high school. In March, I enrolled in a local community college to get my high school equivalency. After than, I plan to take business classes with the same community college. I've also lost weight. I've not been weighed in well over a year, but judging my the fit of my clothes I've been shedding pounds.

My dog (and best friend) Frankie and I take nightly strolls around the block, as I can't stand being out and about on foot in the day. It's very much a shame thing, I feel like how the Elephant Man must have felt, but unlike his affliction, mine is of my own making.

I'm proud of you! Keep up the good work and keep working on the self-change to go the direction you want to go in.

a reply to: kauskau

Well, everything is relative. I've been making a conscious effort to live more healthily, comparative to how I had lived the previous quarter of a century. As I mentioned above, I've enrolled in community college and have been attending classes for several months now. High School was not something I enjoyed very much. That's understating it, I would have daily panic attacks at the prospect of going. So eventually I just stopped. But now I'm back in class, providing my life with some much needed structure. It also gets me out of my home, or more specifically my bedroom.

Nightly walks, making an effort to avoid 'bad' (but oh, oh so good) food, cutting out junk food, no more tobacco, all that sort of thing. But at the same time my appetite and my eyes are as large as ever, but as I've aged I'm beginning to discover a well of willpower I never knew I had before.

Should my heart not explode between now and 5 years from now, I expect (and desperately hope) to be a healthy weight, have a healthy relationship, my own house, white picket fence, 2.5 dogs. Kids aren't my thing.

a reply to: Monger
Honest - Raw - Powerful


Thanks Monger - no judgement here, just applause.

I enjoyed the read but felt saddened for you. No... Not pity. Don't go thinking that. I felt sad because it seemed like you were underestimating your own worth.

There are women out there who like a big man. Now, I read you are seeking change and I am happy to hear that because it will help with your lifespan, but don't underestimate yourself just because of your weight. You are worth more than that and there are people that will appreciate you regardless.

I'm married to a big man myself. Weighing in at around 360. He's incredibly active in his physical job and does way more activity than I do. I weigh in around 104. I like the feeling of having a manly man. He's like a bear and I am not attracted to other "sticks" like myself lol.

While you are improving your outward experience, I hope that you also work on your thoughts about yourself as far as being worthy. If you don't find yourself worthy nobody else will regardless of what you look like IMO.

Keep up the awesome work. You can do it... But do it for you. You a worth it.

a reply to: Monger

I'm not going to judge you, but I will offer you this piece of advice. If you don't want your inner most feelings trampled on, the last thing you want to do is to open yourself up to random strangers. Most of them have zero empathy for another living being as evidenced by the world we actually are living in.

Don't try to deny your monster. Accept that it is there and learn to tame it. If you drive people away, it is really because you are protecting yourself, testing them to make sure they are made of the kind of stuff that has the stamina to stick around. Stop putting people through the hoops. Most people aren't ever going to be willing to put that much effort into you, but that doesn't mean they aren't going to be worthwhile. Fix yourself up, clear your head of the baggage you are carrying around from whoever or whatever messed you up as a kid, and move forward. 25 is a lot younger than you realize. It is almost never too late to pull a course correction.

a reply to: Monger

As a man who had depression, I just want to share this quote I once heard in Doctor Who (Yes, I'm a DW fan) and which changed my life:



There is no such thing as an ordinary human.

a reply to: Monger
Monger - thanks for the telling.
Others' judgments are only as valuable as you value them.
I would hope you will simply grow comfortable with who and what you are...because no-one else will/can ever...be...you.
If you are the ugliest guy in town...and somehow marry/partner-with the prettiest woman in town...there will come a day when the only beauty you care about...is what is beneath the skin (and so will she).

Besides - there are plenty more hills to climb in your life.
Don't make this one more important than it should be.
(sorry if that seems like 'judgment' - it's really just...experience)