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What It Takes To Be a Man From 500,000 BC...

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posted on Aug, 29 2014 @ 02:37 PM
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From one of my favorite books: "Iron Joe Bob" by Joe Bob Briggs. Can't give a link because there is none so I had to write from the book itself.

Enjoy!

This is a true story. The complete history of Manhood, in one easy-to-read time chart:

500,000 B.C.: In order to prove his manhood, a man must wrestle a twelve-ton hairy mammoth to the ground with his bare hands, bash its head in with a rock, rip the flesh from its bones, eat until he's full, give the rest of the meat to his tribe and carve a picture of the mammoth on his chest with a dull flint.

250,000 B.C.: To prove his manhood, a man must sleep on a bed of hot coals for 3 days when he’s 14 years old then attack an enemy tribe armed with nothing but a handmade spear. If he lances 30 men, pillages all their goods and makes off with their women, he’s a man.

100,000 B.C.: To prove he's a man, he must trek 200 miles into a dense wilderness, fending off wild beasts, until he arrives at a sanctuary to the god Urgel. After fasting for 24 days and sacrificing 90 rams and 30 bullocks, he asks the god Urgel to protect him and make him a man, then returns 350 miles on icy rivers in a birch bark canoe.

5000 B.C.: A real man must know how to kill with his bare hands, command an army, possess any woman he desires, discipline a herd of wild steeds, crack the whip over a slave galley and rout the Mongols from the grassy steppe.

500 B.C.: A man must possess a household of loyal wives and servants who trust his wisdom, his learning and his ability to gain favor at court. He receives tribute from fiefdoms in distant countries, and he studies geometry and philosophy at the school of Plato. He is a great public speaker and commands the attention of all who hear him.

100 A.D.: To prove he's a man, he must have knowledge of the sports arena. He owns gladiators and chariots, and he spends great sums on a house full of pillars and altars. He knows all the religions, and he believes most of them.

1000 A.D.:To prove his manhood, he must journey great distances with armies and destroy other nations so that his nation might be the strongest in the world. He can spend months in a small boat on the ocean, or years managing campaigns against the Hun or the Vandal. He insists on his "honor" and will protect it with a sword.

1300 A.D.: To be a man, he must drive the Arab hordes out of the Holy Land. He accumulates armies and cities and wealth by burning, looting and killing, and when he is challenged, he slices men's heads off with a broadsword. But he also knows music and poetry, which he uses to woo women.

1700 A.D.: To prove his manhood, a man must own property, father children and gain favor from the king. His family name must be established as worthy and honorable, and he must carry on the traditions established by his forefathers.

1800 A.D.: To prove his manhood, a man must own property and father children and hate the King. He must serve in the Army and the Government and he must prove himself worthy by serving his Country.

1900 A.D.: To be a man, he must own his own business, and father children and provide for them and his wife, so that they never lack anything. He must serve his country in time of war.

1910 A.D.: To be a man, he must have his own business, father children, provide for his family and pay taxes.

1920 A.D.: To be a man, he must father children, provide for his family, pay taxes and own a car.

1930 A.D.: To be a man, he must father children, work at a job at least sixty hours a week, provide for his family and vote.

1940 A.D.: To be a man, he must have a family and have a job.

1950 A.D. To be a man, have a family, have a job, have a car and own a TV. set.

1960 A.D.: To be a man, he must own a T.V. set, root for a sports team, own a car he can't afford and have a job that he constantly complains about to his wife.

1965 A.D.: To be a man, he must own a T.V. set, a stereo, season tickets to his local sports teams, two cars, a job that he hates but pays really well and a wife that can shut up if she doesn't like it.

1970 A.D.: To prove his manhood, he has to be able to tell his boss he's quitting.

1975 A.D.: To prove his manhood, he has to be able to tell his wife he wants a divorce.

1980 A.D.: To prove his manhood, he has to have at least one children and hate the king. He must serve in the army and the government, and he must prove himself worthy by serving his country.

1985 A.D.: To prove his manhood, a man must be able to contradict his girlfriend about what restaurant they're going to eat at.

1990 A.D.: To prove his manhood, he must be able to ask his boss for permission to go to the restroom.

1992 A.D.: To prove his manhood, he must be able to ask his girlfriend for a 20-dollar-a-week allowance.

Manhood throughout the ages. An awesome human spectacle!

Ever wonder why we like to sleep late on Sundays?

Here the list ends but what about today?

Wanna finish it off?

2014 A.D. : ???


Peace



edit on 29-8-2014 by jude11 because: (no reason given)




posted on Aug, 29 2014 @ 02:47 PM
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have a good woman....


edit: ok that was a response id say when looking for a round of applause on an Oprah show or something.

I want to see the woman thread on this one...idk what it would say but I bet its been the same since the beginning of time.
edit on 29-8-2014 by rockpaperhammock because: (no reason given)



posted on Aug, 29 2014 @ 02:48 PM
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a reply to: jude11

This would be much funnier if it weren't so true.




posted on Aug, 29 2014 @ 02:49 PM
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originally posted by: rockpaperhammock
have a good woman....


Or if not a good one at least a rich one.


Peace



posted on Aug, 29 2014 @ 02:50 PM
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originally posted by: Metallicus
a reply to: jude11

This would be much funnier if it weren't so true.



I still laugh my ass off every time a read it...lol

Peace



posted on Aug, 29 2014 @ 03:23 PM
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a reply to: jude11

Awesome read Jude, thanks for the effort of typing it all in manually. That alone proved you're a Man!

I'd love to see one for women.
Any takers on developing that timeline?



posted on Aug, 29 2014 @ 03:27 PM
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originally posted by: tvtexan
a reply to: jude11

Awesome read Jude, thanks for the effort of typing it all in manually. That alone proved you're a Man!

I'd love to see one for women.
Any takers on developing that timeline?



OK then...

2014 A.D. : To be a Man, he must be able to type...lol

Yup, fits well.

Peace



posted on Aug, 29 2014 @ 03:27 PM
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I don't know about all that, kinda quit reading after the "wrestle the mastadon"....

I think you prove your manhood when your daughter asks and you comply to skip across the parking lot into the grocery store.

Its not because I was 100 feet in the air welding steel, or you got up before dawn to make money at a computer screen,

When you and your daughter skip across the parking lot hand in hand, Thats a man...



posted on Aug, 29 2014 @ 03:33 PM
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originally posted by: tinner07
I don't know about all that, kinda quit reading after the "wrestle the mastadon"....

I think you prove your manhood when your daughter asks and you comply to skip across the parking lot into the grocery store.

Its not because I was 100 feet in the air welding steel, or you got up before dawn to make money at a computer screen,

When you and your daughter skip across the parking lot hand in hand, Thats a man...


um...

Laugh much?

It's not meant to be serious...read past the "Mastodon", well actually "Mammoth" in the first line of the first paragraph in the top 5% of the OP.

There's 95% more to go!

Peace



posted on Aug, 29 2014 @ 03:33 PM
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Good grief...that list reads like over the centuries men have lost testosterone, and become feminized!
Oh well... * Goes off to kill her own dinner...



posted on Aug, 29 2014 @ 03:35 PM
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originally posted by: AccessDenied
Good grief...that list reads like over the centuries men have lost testosterone, and become feminized!
Oh well... * Goes off to kill her own dinner...


'scuse while I find me nads so I can reply...


Peace



posted on Aug, 29 2014 @ 03:40 PM
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originally posted by: jude11
From one of my favorite books: "Iron Joe Bob" by Joe Bob Briggs. Can't give a link because there is none so I had to write from the book itself.

Enjoy!

This is a true story. The complete history of Manhood, in one easy-to-read time chart:

500,000 B.C.: In order to prove his manhood, a man must wrestle a twelve-ton hairy mammoth to the ground with his bare hands, bash its head in with a rock, rip the flesh from its bones, eat until he's full, give the rest of the meat to his tribe and carve a picture of the mammoth on his chest with a dull flint.

250,000 B.C.: To prove his manhood, a man must sleep on a bed of hot coals for 3 days when he’s 14 years old then attack an enemy tribe armed with nothing but a handmade spear. If he lances 30 men, pillages all their goods and makes off with their women, he’s a man.

.....


Humans (ie. Homo sapiens) didn't exist prior to 200,000 years ago.



posted on Aug, 29 2014 @ 03:49 PM
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originally posted by: Tangerine

originally posted by: jude11
From one of my favorite books: "Iron Joe Bob" by Joe Bob Briggs. Can't give a link because there is none so I had to write from the book itself.

Enjoy!

This is a true story. The complete history of Manhood, in one easy-to-read time chart:

500,000 B.C.: In order to prove his manhood, a man must wrestle a twelve-ton hairy mammoth to the ground with his bare hands, bash its head in with a rock, rip the flesh from its bones, eat until he's full, give the rest of the meat to his tribe and carve a picture of the mammoth on his chest with a dull flint.

250,000 B.C.: To prove his manhood, a man must sleep on a bed of hot coals for 3 days when he’s 14 years old then attack an enemy tribe armed with nothing but a handmade spear. If he lances 30 men, pillages all their goods and makes off with their women, he’s a man.

.....


Humans (ie. Homo sapiens) didn't exist prior to 200,000 years ago.


Guess I should have posted a Marmaduke cartoon.

Maybe more would get it.

WAIT a minute...Dogs can't talk! lol

Peace



posted on Aug, 29 2014 @ 03:51 PM
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2014 A.D.: To prove his manhood, he must be able to ask for a 250-dollar-a-week allowance from his parents?



posted on Aug, 29 2014 @ 03:56 PM
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a reply to: jude11

Guess I was put off by the "this is a true story" part...



posted on Aug, 29 2014 @ 03:58 PM
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originally posted by: tinner07
a reply to: jude11

Guess I was put off by the "this is a true story" part...



All part of the fun my friend!

Peace



posted on Aug, 29 2014 @ 04:03 PM
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OK read the majority of it, still a bunch of BS. Not even funny if it was meant to be that.



posted on Aug, 29 2014 @ 04:06 PM
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originally posted by: tinner07
OK read the majority of it, still a bunch of BS. Not even funny if it was meant to be that.



I Don't think Marmaduke is funny either.

Potato...Tomato and all that.

Thanx for taking a second glance tho. Sez a lot.

Peace



posted on Aug, 29 2014 @ 04:07 PM
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a reply to: jude11
ok sorry, at least I didnt include some other not funny stuff in my response....In retrospect I see where that is going... a good man bashing... lol...

all is good



posted on Aug, 29 2014 @ 04:10 PM
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Uh, according to these guys in the Amazon of Brazil, you have to wear Bullet Ant gloves for five minutes without crying a total of 20 times to prove you are a warrior and man, and you can't be counted on to provide for a family until you can be called a warrior. So, this is what they think it takes in 2014.



They're tougher than the average 1st World meatball ... that's for sure.




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