Santa is
Satan. Pure and simple.
Here's the proof:
- I mean come on, the spelling is just too close. Satan/Santa changed his name so that we wouldn't figure it out.
- Santa-Satan has usurped the day that is supposed to be the celebration of the birth of Jesus. He has made it so that we are more concerned about
consuming and buying gifts than worship. Santa-Satan makes a 15% commission off all gifts sold at Christmas.
- Santa has a diabolical laugh, just like Satan: "MUHOHOHOHOHO!!" and "MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!" are just too similar to deny.
- Santa wears black and red just like Satan does, because these colors provide super resistance to the fires of hell. Black and red give you a +5
bonus to resisting hellfire.
- Santa-Satan rings a bell to symbolize the same bell used to call people to bring out their dead during the years of the Black Plague.
- Santa was once called St Nicklaus in Europe. Satan is sometimes referred to as "Old Nick". Connection?...Hmmm, I think so.
- "Christmas" comes from the words "Christ" and "Mass" and it symbolizes us eating the body of Christ, because Satan wants to eat Christ with
some ketchup or some barbecue sauce because they never really got along very well.
- Only a being of demonic, supernatural power could survive on milk and cookies alone. Milk and cookies give Satan-Santa extra demonic strength and
power, just like Popeye eating spinach.
- Only a being of supernatural power, able to transcend dimensions of time-space could deliver that many presents in one night. God granted this power
to Satan when Satan beat God at a game of Monopoly.
- Santa is a big fat dude and there is no way he could fit down your chimney. In order to do so, Satan/Santa shape-shifts into serpent form. If you
don't have a chimney, he turns into ethereal demon-ghost form and phases in through your back door. If you put tinfoil over your back door you can
prevent Santa-Satan from entering your house, but you won't get any presents.
- Satan's greatest achievement was to make the world believe he doesn't exist. Santa did the same. Statistics show that only 14 adults actually
believe in Santa.
- Santa-Satan's sled is pulled by horned flying creatures. Everybody knows that deer can't fly, so they must be demons.
- Santa-Satan has little creatures with pointy ears that help him make presents. These are actually evil imps that help him make his plans for the
destruction of the world. These imps helped Santa-Satan create evil things like Britney Spears and Mondays.
- Because of his demonic powers Santa-Satan knows telepathically who is naughty and nice, and he makes a list and checks it twice of all the people
who will burn in hell forever and ever. Forever and ever is a very long time. If you lived ten times as long as Ronald Reagan, you would still not
have lived forever and ever. That is how long it is.
- Santa-Satan is the oldest dude in the world, which means he has been around since creation. He can't be Adam because he doesn't wear a fig leaf in
front of his John Thomas, so he must be the serpent from the Bible.
I could go on, but I think you get the picture.
Seriously though.
Merry Christmas to all!! 