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Tell me your favorite joke!

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(post by Tardacus removed for a serious terms and conditions violation)

posted on Aug, 2 2014 @ 10:38 AM
- A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

- A priest, the Pope, and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this some kind of joke?"

This has been a fun thread so far. Let us hear some more!

posted on Aug, 2 2014 @ 11:03 AM
edit on 3-8-2014 by elevatedone because: (no reason given)

posted on Aug, 3 2014 @ 03:40 AM
LOL to the jokes above!

Here's mine:

A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused.

She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?"

"I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling.' Then you moved under a deodorant advertisement which read 'William's Stick Did the Trick.' And I just couldn't hold it in any longer when you moved a fourth time and sat under a tire advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident.'"


Oh, and this is a quite good "joke" for friends... Stupid test, homosexuality test.
fr: Fake a Baby

edit on 3-8-2014 by trishsfetish because: Additional funny joke

posted on Aug, 3 2014 @ 07:55 AM
An oldie, but a goodie...

A guy goes into a theatrical agents office with his dog and tells the agent his dog talks. The agent tells him he has seen too many "talking dog" acts and they all stank. The guy says that his dog really talks and convinces the agent to let him audition. The agent tells him that it better be good or he will throw both him and the dog out into the street. So the guy tells Fido to sit and asks him what is on the top of a house. Fido says "ROOF ROOF". Then he asks Fido how sandpaper is. Fido says "RUFF RUFF". Then he asks Fido who w2as the greatest New York Yankee of all time. Fido then says "RUTH RUTH". At this point the agent grabs both the guy and the dog by the scruff of their necks and tosses them into the street. As they are picking themselves up and shaking off the dust the dog looks at his master and in a rather snarky voice asks "who should I have said DIMAGGIO".

posted on Aug, 6 2014 @ 02:58 AM
Had a good laugh with these...

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Student: A teacher!

Why make him laugh when you can make him cry?

Add a word to ruin a movie:
- Batman Begins College
- The Longest Yard Sale
- Charlottes Web Cam.
View the comments to see more!

posted on Aug, 6 2014 @ 09:57 AM
Here's my joke:
President Obama...

posted on Aug, 6 2014 @ 11:54 AM
You're a riot Alice. A riot.


a reply to: HomerinNC

posted on Aug, 7 2014 @ 06:25 PM
A woman, obviously in a hurry, walks into a bank during the noon hour. The teller sees that the woman is wearing a nurse's uniform and figures the nurse is on her lunch break, which explains why she's in a rush.

"May I help you?", the teller asks.

The nurse replies: "I just need to cash this check."

The teller says: "Sure, I just need you to endorse it. Please sign the back."

The nurse reaches into her coat pocket, grabs what she thinks is a pen, and starts signing the check.

The teller says: "Excuse me ma'am, but I think that's a thermometer."

The nurse replies: "Damn, some a##hole has my pen!"

posted on Aug, 7 2014 @ 06:49 PM
I've been known to give sage advice.
The other day, at the supermarket, I overheard a litlle girl ask her mother:
"Mommy, why is that man talking to the spices?"

posted on Aug, 10 2014 @ 08:38 AM
A Communist, a Muslim and an illegal alien went into a tavern.
And the tavern keeper said, ‘What will it be President Obama?'

What does Barack Obama call illegal aliens?
Undocumented democrats.

Barack Obama is on a sinking ship, who gets saved?
The Country!

What kind of doctor do you need to fix Obamacare?
A URLologist

Did you that McDonald's is offering the Obama Happy Meal?
Order anything you want. And the guy behind you has to pay for it.

What's the difference between Obama and God?
God doesn't think he is Obama

Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?
The ink isn't dry yet.

What is Obama's archenemy?
The constitution

Three boys were out hiking one winter day, and heard cries for help coming from the lake. Rushing to see what was the matter, they found Barack Obama who had fallen through some thin ice on a lake and was about to drown.
Quickly the boys formed a human chain and pulled him to safety.
"I'd like to reward you boys with something special for saving me", said Obama. "Just name it, and it's yours!"
"I want a ride on Air Force One", said the first boy. "You've got it!", said Obama.
"I want a medal that I can show the other kids at school", said the second boy. "No problem!", said Obama.
The third boy thought for a moment, and said "I want a wheelchair". "But why would you want that?", asked Obama.
"'Cause when I get home and tell my dad that I saved YOU he's gonna break my legs!"

*prepares for ban*

edit on 8/10/2014 by HomerinNC because: (no reason given)

posted on Aug, 10 2014 @ 10:21 AM

off-topic post removed to prevent thread-drift


posted on Aug, 10 2014 @ 01:13 PM

edit on 12-8-2014 by elevatedone because: (no reason given)

posted on Aug, 12 2014 @ 11:26 AM
I love self-deprecating jokes... I'm just rubbish at telling them

posted on Aug, 13 2014 @ 04:50 AM
Why did the cow visit a psychiatrist?

She was feeling really moo-dy.
(The shrink's diagnosis was that she had a fodder complex)

Why are manhole covers round?
Because the manholes are round.

A circle invited some relatives over for dinner.
After a delicious meal, he said "I hope you saved room for desert. I made a nice Pi."

posted on Aug, 13 2014 @ 05:01 AM
This is one of my all time favorites:

Why don't blind people skydive?

Because it scares the crap out of the dog!

posted on Aug, 22 2014 @ 09:10 AM

Prank your significant other with a Stupid Pill.
Send a "gentle" message to an offending friend or co-worker.
Here's your pills for that STD from the Bachelor Party Stripper!
Definitely love to pull off this joke through this Fake Gag Prescription!


A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”

The doctor replied, “Show me.”

So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.

She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”

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