First of all, this is an emotional decompression. You’ve been warned. Turn back now or have your tl;dr
ready to post, which is just charming
by the way. This is my pillow—let me punch it!
I’m a misfit, I’m a black sheep, I’m an undesirable. I've managed to lose every friend I’ve ever had. I've managed to alienate myself from my
I have spent a great part of my life trying to understand why this is, and more importantly, how to change it! I have been criticized for being too
sensitive and for being overly emotional. I have been accused of needing to be the center of attention, and for being addicted to drama.
I dealt with that by turning inward. I decided to keep my mouth shut as much as possible, and to hold my cards very close to my chest. I think I
introverted (if that’s possible) as a countermeasure to all the rebukes I’ve had to endure from friends and family.
Then I was criticized for being too quiet, too negative, or else just plain antisocial. I’ve actually been commanded to “just smile and be
happy,” even if—or especially
if!—this isn’t how I felt. I used to be very outgoing, and looking back, I can barely even imagine being
that way again.
A good example of this was when I was in college. At the start of every semester I was overjoyed at the opportunity to make new friends, to take on
new challenges, and to grab life by the mcnuggets! By the end of the semester I would be a cynical, bitter husk of a human being, finding that my
once-held outlook was only a path leading to disappointment.
I lost that drive, and started to believe that the mask, the persona that I project is much more important than what I actually feel. No one is
actually interested in my feelings, just the makeup I use to hide them—a look that says, “I’m content.. no need to share feelings!”
If I come off as confident and outgoing, I’m criticized for being an arrogant show-boat.
If I come off as quiet and reserved, I’m criticized for being an antisocial jerk.
If I make any sort of display of emotion or expression at all, I’m criticized for being a drama queen.
I wear none of these masks very well. Nothing seems to fit.
What am I supposed to do? Who am I supposed to be? I swear I just want to default to the lowest common state of social neutrality and respond with
to everything and everyone for the rest of my life. I’m sure that would please more people than being myself
. I might actually get
someone to value my company and companionship that way.
When I act more closely to being myself
is when I get weird reactions—like I’m eccentric and kooky. I’m usually very enthusiastic,
engaged, and curious—I ask people how they feel and share my feelings as well. This is when I feel more positive and like I’m in my natural state
of being. But it doesn’t do me any good. People still snicker and turn away. I have not managed to have one lasting, meaningful dialogue in my
life—they all run their course very quickly and crash into a brick wall. It hurts. Heck, the bartender down the road knows more about me than anyone
else in the world—and well, they don’t really have a choice but to put up with me (no I’m not drunk right now.)
Why has emotional expression become so taboo? Emotion has so many negative connotations attached to it. It is viewed as the polar opposite to
rationality. If you’re emotional, clearly you’re also irrational, right? WRONG! It is often considered “wimpy” (especially for men) to discuss
feelings and emotions. It is often looked upon with derision (for both genders) to discuss feelings and emotions. It is an outright hallmark of
weakness and instability! Why, why, why?
Why are we a society of pointed-eared Vulcans? The only thing I see as socially acceptable in all arenas is deprecating sarcasm—this is normative,
whereas emotion is subject to said ridicule, rudeness, and sarcasm. Sarcasm just seems to be a posture of control, confidence, and social competence.
I have been pushed and pulled and split down the middle where I don’t even know how to approach or interact with anyone anymore. I’m afraid to
make noise, I’m afraid to stay quiet. I’m afraid to share, I’m afraid to stay on my island. Damned if I do! Damned if I don’t!
I just run around and around in this stupid loop between who I want to be and who I think others want me to be. And neither seems to work. I have lost
friends for both reasons: either too open or too closed; and even for being too unpredictable (embodying both qualities as I saw fit.) Where does
balance and harmony reside? I wish I knew!
I don’t know exactly what it is I want to say. I’m clearly just emotional right now and therefore my entire rant and point of view is laughable
first, and dismissible secondly.
I do know I want to say, for all of you that have positive, growing relationships with friends, with family, with whoever is in your life—for those
who can befriend strangers and acquaintances and share any kind of understanding with each other, can communicate and find enrichment in other
Please just stop a moment and count your blessings. Do not take it for granted. You have been graced with something that I and many others can’t
demonstrate, can’t fathom— and can only imagine, can only dream of: being accepted.
edit on 25-7-2014 by NarcolepticBuddha because: (no reason given)