How to Let Go of Holding Grudges

Reply to Benevolent Heretic

I might add, that if you become too concerned by what others say about you, you hand off control of your life. Often people, particularly control freaks, who are essentially insecure, use this as a means to modify your behavior so they can feel more secure. Evaluate criticism and see if it has any merit. If it doesn't discard it.





a reply to: Benevolent Heretic

Reply to little by little

"For there to be real forgiveness the being causing the problem have to take responsibility and repair the damage of the action. Sometimes I am sorry is not enough but only the start to fix what have been done."

If you wait for the person causing the problem to apologize, you could be waiting a very long time. People are most happy when not thinking about themselves. We all want to be happy, but dwelling on people who have wronged us can make us miserable while the other person enjoys his life. It is all about state of mind. Our minds are not always rational. Given the choice between sadness, anger, hostility on one hand or happiness and personal peace, I would go for the latter. The job of the psychologist is to trick the brain into rejecting irrational beliefs, or making our rational mind realize that hanging onto past injustices will negatively impact future happiness. Real forgiveness has to come from inside ourselves as the negative emotions and energy are resident within us. If the internal self accepts the apology from the perpetrator, the result will be peace and acceptance. If we still are not satisfied with an apology we will still harbor the negativity. It is all discharging the negative energy surround an injustice real or perceived. It has nothing to do with going to the perpetrator and saying "I forgive you"








a reply to: LittleByLittle

a reply to: cayrichard

Absolutely!

I have noticed that some people's moods depend entirely on what happens during the day. They sway like a tall blade of grass, letting other people's words and opinions push them one way and the other. I find it more beneficial to be more "centered" in who I am. Then, if someone says something I find offensive, I can look at it more objectively. Sometimes what they say has merit, and only if I'm centered, can I learn from it.

I have heard that people can only insult you if you agree with what they say. If someone says I'm stupid, it only hurts if I agree with them. (And I don't!) LOL

Also, if someone says something that offends me, maybe I need to look at it to see if it's true. Like you say, evaluate it. If I honestly think it's not true, then why should I "buy it"?

You know what's really interesting? I find that the people on ATS that I dislike the most are the ones who remind me of something about myself that I don't like. More and more, I find myself noticing people who are bitchy, know-it-all, and kind of nasty - and they're the ones I don't like. But if I'm honest with myself, I act the same way.

a reply to: violet

Sorry I misunderstood your intent regarding Cinderella. I've only heard that name used in a derogatory way.

Do you stutter or just make fun of people who do?

Very badly until I was about 25, and still a little today (I'm 40 now).

a reply to: FlyersFan
It's not easy learning to let go of grudges, but once you do you begin to feel 'free' and 'lighter'.

I did it by telling myself that it's impossible to go back in time to change things, so there really is no point in holding on to the past.

I have also come to believe that everything happens for a reason, bad things are supposed to happen. Our spirits are sent here to learn lessons, and that means there has to be victims too. Our spirits have many physical lives, we can choose a good life or a tough life, a long life or a short one. Choosing our next lives depend on which lessons we need to learn. Sometimes we will choose a life of a victim in order to help another spirit with its lesson.

I have come to accept that I chose this life for a reason although I don't know what that reason is, and that everything that happens to me, be it good or bad, is supposed to happen, because it's why I chose this life.

It's just what I believe.

originally posted by: HarbingerOfShadows
a reply to: FyreByrd

Recent advances in the study of animal cognition is proving that to untrue for a growing list of species.

I'd say whales, dolphins and elephants, possibly. Though with elephants is could be conditioning over the long term when young - not true memory or self-awareness.

I'd be very interested in your sources for this statement. As, it's a huge distinction between animals and self-aware species. Classical conditioning works just fine with animals and can mimic some types of memory as in squirrels knowing where they hid nuts and such. But real memory doubtful. Conditioning works very well on humans too until they become aware of that conditioning and then can begin to over-ride it.

In fact, there is an entire school of psychology, Behaviorism, that posits just what you say. That we are not capable of anything beyond carrying out the dictates of our conditioning. It doesn't explain a lot of phenomena and most schools, starting with Jung ackowlege and work with this transendent Human quality.
The best quote is from Frank Herbert's Dune, not a quote but the discription of Paul Atreides test of the Gom Jabbar by the Reverend Mother.

The Gom Jabbar Test of Humanity

"Let us say I suggest you may be human. Steady! I warn you not to try jerking away. I am old, but my hand can drive this needle into your neck before you can escape me."
―Reverend Mother Gaius Mohiam while testing Paul Atreides with a Gom Jabbar[src]

The Bene Gesserit also made extensive use of the Gom Jabbar, especially when they tested the humanity of certain individuals. In such circumstances, the device was placed against the subject's neck and acted as a deterrent for them backing out of the test. Such a method was used by Reverend Mother Gaius Helen Mohiam against Paul Atreides before his arrival on Arrakis.

The gom jabbar test would be to determine whether an individual's awareness was stronger than their instincts. If their awareness of the gom jabbar's presence was strong enough, it would override their instincts to withdraw from the test, which usually involved great physical pain.

I use this quote a lot to explain the concept. Why - because I didn't understand what was happening when I first read the book as a young tean, and I mulled and mulled until the lightbulb went on about ten years later (I'm a bit slow) and had more experience of life.

dune.wikia.com...

a reply to: FyreByrd
FyreByrd I'd like to know what you think what the percentage of normal normal behavior isn't one based on cultural conditioning? The condition day for a normal person like wake up, get dressed, have breakfast, get to work, work four hours, have lunch, work five hours go home have dinner, go to bed then do it all again for another four or five days is conditioned behavior, ie if you don't do it, you don't get paid, you cant pay your bills and then must live on the street.

originally posted by: subtopia
a reply to: FyreByrd
FyreByrd I'd like to know what you think what the percentage of normal normal behavior isn't one based on cultural conditioning? The condition day for a normal person like wake up, get dressed, have breakfast, get to work, work four hours, have lunch, work five hours go home have dinner, go to bed then do it all again for another four or five days is conditioned behavior, ie if you don't do it, you don't get paid, you cant pay your bills and then must live on the street.

There is a difference between conditioned - subconscious conditioning and rhythm and routine. Consistancy/rthythm/routine supports us in our daily lives - some of it begins as conditioning but mostly we are very conscious of it and in control of it rather then 'it' being in control of us.

'''"but mostly we are very conscious of it and in control of it rather then 'it' being in control of us.""



Really??? So why are so many people on anti depressants? Why is there so much conflict, abuse, domestic violence, people in prison, if people are conscious of their reactions.

This subject has popped up on another thread HERE in the religion forum so I thought I'd bump this thread up for anyone interested. It's been 9 months since I wrote this thread. Re-examining possible grudge holding ... I think I'm doing pretty well. I get angry and there are people that I just naturally do not like, but I"m not wasting time holding grudges or ruminating on other peoples negative actions towards me. So ...

a reply to: FlyersFan