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How to Let Go of Holding Grudges

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posted on Jul, 22 2014 @ 04:42 PM
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originally posted by: subtopia
a reply to: FyreByrd
Firstly humans ARE animals, it is as mach a reasonable response to hold a grudge as it is a justified reaction to protect the yourself from loss. Children instinctively hold grudges, does that make them animalistic? I've experienced the submission of battered women who are incapable of begrudging their abusive husbands, does that make them more human?

What controls me is my subconscious mind which is hard wired to protect me from loss in ways it has learned through direct experience or those it instinctively capable of instigating. I do not like or enjoy the way it can react to protect me from loss when it instigates itself in a way I am unable to self consciously disengage yet it has been effective or I wouldn't be here to respond.



First of all - human's have the ability to be more then animals.

Justified reaction to protect self/ego (little self) is an animalistic reaction.

Don't you want to be more?

What controls you is your subconscious mind - you're just a tool of your subconscious mind - great way to avoid responsiblity for your actions let alone your thoughts.

And that's what a grudge is - abboragtion of responsibility for your own state of mind and relationships. "I couldn't help myself - my subconscious made me do it"




posted on Jul, 22 2014 @ 04:55 PM
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a reply to: Stormdancer777


Most times I can take it, but does having a thinker skin make me callous and lose my sense of compassion?

Not at all - you only need to realize that they can't really touch you - it doesn't change your personal sense of ethics, or level of compassion or integrity

Having a thicker skin might actually make you more compassionate - but that's a whole nuther discussion

It's a very fine line separating personal from general - and in a situation like ATS that line gets crossed a lot. Not everyone is playing by the same rules

I was more or less raised to be very direct when discussing (ahem - arguing). Arguing was for sport and it was taken for granted that we each understood that from the beginning. I forget sometimes that not everyone can do that

Also, banter - not for everyone. I guess :-)

Humor is a bizarre, unreadable thing sometimes. We all have such different approaches to life - wildly different opinions - it's crazy. But I think it's also what makes this place interesting and fun

I've made some good friends here, but in addition to those people, I follow many others on this board that probably have no idea I'm even remotely interested in what they have to say. It's funny (and definitely corny) but over the years I've come to think of this place as my tribe

Bunch of fruitcakes

:-)

That goes for you too Stormdancer


edit on 7/22/2014 by Spiramirabilis because: much less more or less



posted on Jul, 22 2014 @ 04:57 PM
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a reply to: ~Lucidity
Maybe The Karma Koala does exist, I have been critically studying human behavior for quite some time now and well, I hope we have a soul that continues on, there is no factual proof that cannot be explained away by neuronal transference. All animals have instinct, some very elaborate ones and many occur in the absence of directly experiencing others from their species.

Thus neurons must be transferred that trigger memories passed from one generation to the next, in humans this could include 'grudges' or rather prejudicial instinctual behavior that can be very difficult to accept change to, it can include preferences that trigger our natural ability's which can appear to look like we have had past lives.

We are still only scratching the surface of the secrets that the two human minds are filled with.

To get directly to your response, yes mistake are as valuable as solutions, (frustratingly)our value system relies upon contradictions, I believe, as I am yet to know that maybe we are meant to have this experience in the absence of factual proof of knowing we continue on, maybe it helps us to value it more and stops us from thinking 'oh well, this is to hard lets all hit the reset button........



posted on Jul, 22 2014 @ 04:58 PM
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a reply to: FlyersFan

Good thread FlyersFan -

Been reading some seriously nasty stuff here lately - enough to make me close my laptop and walk away

Was really good to see something like this today



posted on Jul, 22 2014 @ 05:00 PM
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originally posted by: Spiramirabilis
Been reading some seriously nasty stuff here lately - enough to make me close my laptop and walk away

Ditto. That was my inspiration for deciding to do something positive.
Especially the Israel/Palestine threads.
Hate and abject stupidity from the Middle East is overflowing onto these boards.
People need to snap out of it.



posted on Jul, 22 2014 @ 05:15 PM
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originally posted by: subtopia
a reply to: FyreByrd
Firstly humans ARE animals,


If you were only an animal and did not have the capacity for something more, you couldn't hold a grudge. Animals have no past or future, those are mental constructs that require 'self-awareness' and 'self-awareness' implies "Self-awareness".

You can use those human facluties to poor use, holding grudges say or you can use them for better use, examing the subconscous, say. It's up to you - you have a choice.



posted on Jul, 22 2014 @ 05:23 PM
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originally posted by: FyreByrd

originally posted by: subtopia
a reply to: FyreByrd



First of all - human's have the ability to be more then animals.

Justified reaction to protect self/ego (little self) is an animalistic reaction.

Don't you want to be more?

What controls you is your subconscious mind - you're just a tool of your subconscious mind - great way to avoid responsiblity for your actions let alone your thoughts.

And that's what a grudge is - abboragtion of responsibility for your own state of mind and relationships. "I couldn't help myself - my subconscious made me do it"


FyreByrd thanks for the reply, First of all, I know some horses that respond better than many humans. The term human is a definition of a behavior rather than of our species.

I am much more than only my subconscious reactions, I have a self conscious mind that can reasonably respond, WHEN MY SUBCONSCIOUS MIND ALLOWS IT, sorry for the capitols but we are NOT taught this in school, we are not taught the significance that there are two very different minds within the human brain that are in a continual state of conflict, hence the grudges we have with ourselves, which diazapam and prozac are used to diminish.

Why explain to the masses why they have a headache when you can make trillions, and I mean TRILLIONS from feeding them pharmaceuticals. I'm not saying they aren't necessary, what I am saying is that our present culture is based on avoidance rather than reasoned truth, hence the existence of ATS.

The truth is many people in prison were in a reactive subconsciously compelled justified rage which they at the time could NOT IN ANY WAY self consciously disengage to stop themselves. We fear as a species our own instinctual capability so we do not teach our children why they do what they do, also continual conflict makes all those who work in the area of law a lot of money as well.

Our own culture is preventing us from the change we know we desperately need, how many people do you think would become jobless if every problem all those on ATS complain about instantly disappeared.

Image an alien race did come and did share their knowledge soon all those they put out of work would be throwing stones at them, sadly that is who we still are...



posted on Jul, 22 2014 @ 11:31 PM
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a reply to: TzarChasm




Which means its not a grudge


That's fair I guess. Maybe I've outgrown the need for it to be a full blown grudge.

I have no regard for these people. To use an expression, I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire.



posted on Jul, 23 2014 @ 05:33 AM
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originally posted by: stutteringp0et
a reply to: violet

So you mock my pain by calling me names? Nice! Do you call a rape victim a slut too?



Good Lord. How did you get that out of my comment. I called you Cinderella. It's a popular children's story. If that was rude I apologize, it was not meant that way. Ok?

I had a stepmother as well. I acquired that before it was common to come from broken homes. Nobody divorced in England around 1970. My own mother died. I called myself that when I told my friends I got a step mum. I'd never even heard of stepmothers except in the children's story. None of my classmates had one. It was rare at the time. Thought she was mean. That's where my comment came from.

Wow I was complimenting your story. You said you were over it, doing well. Sounded like that anyways. Cinderella as you recall became a princess. Happy ending.

Nowhere did I call a rape victim a slut! That's an unfair assumption on your part .


edit on 23-7-2014 by violet because: (no reason given)



posted on Jul, 23 2014 @ 05:36 AM
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a reply to: stutteringp0et

Maybe I should be like this and ask why you would put stuttering in your username
Do you stutter or just make fun of people who do?
I stutter.



posted on Jul, 23 2014 @ 05:41 AM
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originally posted by: Stormdancer777
a reply to: violet





I've been very kindhearted, compassionate and generous, but I now see that doing this, just sets me up to be hurt



I know what you mean, it sets you up as a target, because they know you wont retaliate, but when I do finally lose it I feel guilty.


Very true. I'm a real softie. Unfortunately I need to stop being this way. It causes resentments that I even helped. That's not good.



posted on Jul, 23 2014 @ 06:34 AM
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originally posted by: Ophiuchus 13

originally posted by: Stormdancer777
This topic is really stressing me out at the moment, many hurtful things have been said on this forum down through the years, I am having hard time letting go of.


Consider it a part of the ASCENSION process and the heavier your soul ways with low vibrating thought/behaviors like Grudge-hate the less of a chance for your SOUL to rise due to low energy counterweights attaching to your Energy.
Its ok to be aware of the ignorances directed @ you for cautious observations if not to protect yourself. But don't let that energy sit / attach to your rising Soul/Spirit/Internal ENERGY it WILL only slow you down from ascending beyond or hold you back.
Imagine retaliation on battle fields even though some possess the strongest compassionate hearts to go out and risk their lives for another the grudges/hate can overwhelm their energy or make it heavy like gravity so you cannot rise... Placing you in a region where your soul may have issues detaching from...

Good Luck Stormdancer777

LOVE LIGHT ETERNIA*******


There is a reason that some people become hermits, when they go far spiritually to not have to care about the abusive/predatory part of humanity and the suffering it causes. Some people have a very hart time being empathetic with beings that have abusive/predatory behaviours since they should grow up and control their small minded selfs.

For there to be real forgiveness the being causing the problem have to take responsibility and repair the damage of the action. Sometimes I am sorry is not enough but only the start to fix what have been done.
edit on 23-7-2014 by LittleByLittle because: (no reason given)

edit on 23-7-2014 by LittleByLittle because: (no reason given)



posted on Jul, 23 2014 @ 06:43 AM
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originally posted by: TzarChasm

originally posted by: Char-Lee
a reply to: TzarChasm



i read somewhere that maturity is when someone hurts you and you try to understand why instead of hurting them back.




I feel that this is a trap you don't want to fall into. You ask yourself WHY... why did they do this and you try and try and try to understand.
This consumes you and there are no answers as more often than not the person will never even try to explain WHY they did what they did or said what they said.


the point is that you dont seek retaliation. retaliation is a never ending game just like hatred. eye for an eye...and every minute you spend hunting that eye is a minute they control you. they have the power to deny you peace because you let them demand your focus. that is another trap.


If it really was true eye for an eye then it would not be a trap since you would have learned that abusing and hurting someone else will give you the same back. Evolutionary a true eye for an eye will make people very quickly very careful about others since it will be vital for your own survival.



posted on Jul, 23 2014 @ 07:01 AM
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Forgive and forget. Then spice it up with some sweet lovin'.



posted on Jul, 23 2014 @ 09:55 AM
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originally posted by: 12m8keall2c

people look at us oddly at times in public, parties, gatherings, etc...

'did you just hear what he/she said to him/her!?
- like



Don't you just love that? I know you don't do it just to create an awkward moment, but still, I find it somehow satisfying when it does. It shakes people in their cage, as my father used to say.

It's a healthy way to live I think because it forces honest reactions and honesty, in all forms, is a precious commodity in these days of political correctness. If you haven't heard it yet, take a listen to Live and Let Live by The Jefferson Starship. Grace Slick sums this up better than anyone.

That first link that FF provided, you seem to focus on number 2. I'm all about 6. Finding that diamond.....something positive, in a pile of trash......something negative, isn't easy but it's worth the dig. First, you're putting your focus on trying to find it which is a positive action in and of itself. Second, when you do find it, you also find that you don't have the time or energy left to focus on the negative. It pales in comparison anyway.

It's like driving a Cadillac after years of driving a Pinto. You don't wanna go back to that.



posted on Jul, 23 2014 @ 10:01 AM
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reply to flyers fan
Nice post. Holding a grudge is related to negative emotions and how we let them affect our lives. It could be related to environmental conditioning, such as having a job where you enjoy too much authority and too little accountability. Over time you are accustomed to obedience and compliance and lose tolerance for non compliance and dissent. Over time, it conditions your ego and feeling of righteousness indignation to the point, that when you are removed from that environment, the ego and righteous indignation follow you without adaptation. You automatically vilify and hold a grudge against those who do not comply or disobey. This typifies how people might develop these negative emotions to an unhealthy level. A classic example might be a police officer switching careers or moving into retirement. There are naturally many other ways that a person can develop unhealthy egos such as being brought up in an environment where you are accustomed to getting what you want. There are many other things that create issues with ego as well.
We sometimes talk about a need for "anger management" training. Whatever label you put on it, you need to identify the underlying emotions causing the anger. Most often, it is related to Ego/righteous indignation. These are negative emotions that have no place in your life. They will alienate you and distance you from other people.
It is often said that you learn more from your enemies than your friends. Another way to articulate this is to consider that other people are like mirrors and reflect back what you do not like within yourself.
Ego will cause you to obsess on events, it distorts your sense of reality and can ultimately lead to self destruction. In its extreme form you will exhibit odd behaviors that could lead observers to question your state of mind. You are triggered every time you encounter the person or enter the environment where the event occurred. You are overcome with irrational anger and rage which stays bottled up inside you, or you release it in the form of violent behavior. Either way, it is a sentence for perpetual unhappiness and anger. We are psychologically wired to blame outside sources for our feelings of anger and rage, when it is an internal issue and the guilty party is our own ego. The only way to deal with it is to examine our emotions and behavior and treat them.
This issue is far more prevalent than we are willing to acknowledge. You first need to acknowledge you have a problem and have a genuine interest in taking control over your ego, instead of the reverse.
Ego as an issue, causes polarized behavior; the Jekyll/Hyde syndrome.
When you begin to think about the incident that triggered you over and over again, stop yourself immediately and think about something more positive. Every time the issue pops back into your head, switch your thought process and move on. Eventually it will become a habit.

- Ask yourself what great things you have done in your life that merits your ego. I personally dined with business people who have perhaps a net worth of over $100 million. They possess self confidence and are some of the most humble people I have ever met. On the other hand, I have met people with overblown egos, particularly with aggressive individuals. In this case, it is like being in the lion's cage without a whip. You sense the aggressiveness and aloofness, and you have a sense of being with a wound up spring. Conversing with them is like walking on egg shells. They are often toxic personalities and the ego alienates you.

- Remind yourself that we are all created equal. Arrogance is not a virtue. Often others possess qualities that you lack; education, social skills, sophistication, intelligence, financial well being etc. Don't think that you are special and better.

- Ask if the incident that triggered your reaction will matter a year from now. In other words was the response commensurate with the event that caused the response.

- Did you engage in anti-social behavior with the perpetrator. For example, attempt to engage or bait that person into a violent response. If others witnessed your behavior how would you be judged. Would they approve or would they be inclined to treat you like a leper. You can see imagine how inappropriate behavior can be self destructive as I indicated above.

- When you recognize the issue, open up to people that you can trust and confide in them and solicit their co-operation and feedback.

- When a new event triggers you, recognize it for what it is and let it go. Move on. Push it out of your head. Be tolerant and accepting of individual differences.

- Watch how other people respond to similar situations. You want to model those people who have a controlled, impartial response.

- Don't be afraid to seek professional, it is not an easy demon to control. Your objective needs to be, to get that genie back in the bottle.

- Dealing with ego issues is its own reward. A happier life for you and those around you. Also, you will be better accepted in social situations.









a reply to: FlyersFan



posted on Jul, 23 2014 @ 10:13 AM
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reply to BuzzyWigs

I remember years ago one of my co-workers really, really rubbed me the wrong way. I recall praying to God to help me stop hating him. I worked at building a relationship with him - and it succeeded!! It was wonderful to be able to stop "hating him on sight". I've not had that much luck with others -

Nice - good advice

a reply to: BuzzyWigs



posted on Jul, 23 2014 @ 10:13 AM
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This warrants a song.

edit on 23-7-2014 by HarbingerOfShadows because: (no reason given)



posted on Jul, 23 2014 @ 10:16 AM
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a reply to: FyreByrd

Recent advances in the study of animal cognition is proving that to untrue for a growing list of species.



posted on Jul, 23 2014 @ 10:48 AM
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Reply to flyersfan
I had a childhood friend who I revered, but lost touch with for 20 years. We then connected and went into business together. I put up the capital and he the expertise. Turns out he was an alcoholic and his pitch to get me to go into business with him was riddled with lies. As a friend I formally trusted, I did not need to do any due diligence and took him at his word. The business quickly collapsed and I lost my capital.
It hurt, I resented and hated him, but in the end it was my fault for treating it like a friendship deal and not a business. For him it was totally hardcore business and exploitation. It wasn't easy, it took time, but I let it go. I licked my wounds and moved on.
In my case forgiveness was accepting my complicity in this tragedy, and recognizing that, what injustice had been done, was over and I had no recourse. I learned my lesson; trust but verify.
I rarely think about this anymore. When I do there are no residual negative emotions. I interpret this as forgiveness. I understand that this is a gentleman, with a sociopathic personality. To remain as superficial friends would have created a toxic relationship and set me up for further attempted exploitation.











a reply to: ~Lucidity




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