How to Let Go of Holding Grudges

originally posted by: TzarChasm
forgive, but never forget. let the anger go without losing the lesson.

What does forgive really mean though?

Like, hey, we're pals again? That's kind of fake, and there's too much fake in this world.

Also, forgiving kind of implies forgetting. Otherwise you haven't really let anything go. Otherwise, what's the point of it?

originally posted by: ~Lucidity
Forgiving kind of implies forgetting. Otherwise you haven't really let anything go.

Definition of forgive - stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake. Or to cancel a debt.

To forgive, you can see what happened and still you do not feel the anger for it. Grudges have memories and anger. Forgiveness has memories and no anger. That's why it's hard to do.

originally posted by: ~Lucidity
forgive, but never forget. let the anger go without losing the lesson.

What does forgive really mean though? Like, hey, we're pals again? That's kind of fake, and there's too much fake in this world.
No, it means you don't hold anger towards the person for what they did.
You don't have to be buddies. If in the experience you learned that they
can't be trusted, then why would you be buddies? You wouldn't.
It's all about holding the anger.

Good thread, nicely done.

I was actually going to start one with a similar theme about two days ago, but doubt it would have turned out as well done as yours has.

While it is only human nature to hold a grudge, it really is a waste of energy that could be better spent on enriching existing relationships or starting new ones.

a reply to: 12m8keall2c

boi, you just have to let it go, or it'll eat you up from the inside out"

Well sometimes it still effects you every day so letting go would be about impossible.

Personally I have never felt hate for anyone I have known no matter what they have done, instead my heart aches because they valued me so little as to betray or hurt me so deeply.

a reply to: FlyersFan

I guess I just find the concept of forgiving and not forgetting mutually exclusive and so am not a big forgiver. I don't think it's possible to forgive, barring amnesia or phoniness.

The concept of letting go doesn't mean forgiveness to me either though, even though to some it may be a subset or part of forgiving.

And yes, I can take it when the shoe is on the other foot. In fact, it's that very thing that taught me this particular lesson.

a reply to: FlyersFan

To forgive, you can see what happened and still you do not feel the anger for it. Grudges have memories and anger. Forgiveness has memories and no anger. That's why it's hard to do.

What is forgiveness than if you never had anger but only felt pain and hurt and disappointment?
I don't think I have forgiven but i never had anger.

originally posted by: FlyersFan
No, it means you don't hold anger towards the person for what they did.
You don't have to be buddies. If in the experience you learned that they
can't be trusted, then why would you be buddies? You wouldn't.
It's all about holding the anger.

i read somewhere that maturity is when someone hurts you and you try to understand rather than try to hurt them back.

a reply to: TzarChasm

i read somewhere that maturity is when someone hurts you and you try to understand why instead of hurting them back.

I feel that this is a trap you don't want to fall into. You ask yourself WHY... why did they do this and you try and try and try to understand.
This consumes you and there are no answers as more often than not the person will never even try to explain WHY they did what they did or said what they said.

I agree OP, great post!

If you can remove yourself from a toxic situation/person, you should try to.

If the person is no longer around, hating them will only hurt you and have no effect on them.

Forgiveness is a prominent theme in the Bible and probably other religions. It allows you to move forward.

But, I remember watching a documentary about Hiroshima and the bomb. They interviewed one of the survivors and she said she had "Forgiven but not forgotten" the situation. This stunned me that she could forgive what had happened. But look what she did, she has allowed herself to move forward but also be aware of the situation which led to the tragedy, to perhaps avoid it from happening again.

a reply to: FlyersFan


I understand thanks, but Buzzy did apologize to me one time, that is why I respect her.

originally posted by: Char-Lee
a reply to: TzarChasm

i read somewhere that maturity is when someone hurts you and you try to understand why instead of hurting them back.

I feel that this is a trap you don't want to fall into. You ask yourself WHY... why did they do this and you try and try and try to understand.
This consumes you and there are no answers as more often than not the person will never even try to explain WHY they did what they did or said what they said.

the point is that you dont seek retaliation. retaliation is a never ending game just like hatred. eye for an eye...and every minute you spend hunting that eye is a minute they control you. they have the power to deny you peace because you let them demand your focus. that is another trap.

a reply to: Ophiuchus 13

I always love your post, Ophiuchus, thank you.

And I would like to take this opportunity to once again apologize to those I have offend or made snarky comments to, I do pray that prayer ever night, forgive me as I forgive others.

I'm only human, but I never set out to intentionally hurt anyone.

originally posted by: ~Lucidity

originally posted by: TzarChasm
forgive, but never forget. let the anger go without losing the lesson.

What does forgive really mean though?

Like, hey, we're pals again? That's kind of fake, and there's too much fake in this world.

Also, forgiving kind of implies forgetting. Otherwise you haven't really let anything go. Otherwise, what's the point of it?

flyerfan answered yuor questions.

originally posted by: Char-Lee
a reply to: 12m8keall2c

boi, you just have to let it go, or it'll eat you up from the inside out"

Personally I have never felt hate for anyone I have known no matter what they have done, instead my heart aches because they valued me so little as to betray or hurt me so deeply.

I understand that.

a reply to: TzarChasm

I like this idea. BUT I also feel, sometimes the degree to which one has offended/disrespected/betrayed can only be treated with an a$$whooping and then we can all move on.

originally posted by: Stormdancer777
And I would like to take this opportunity to once again apologize to those I have offend or made snarky comments to, I do pray that prayer ever night, forgive me as I forgive others.

I'm only human, but I never set out to intentionally hurt anyone.

I once tried to start an ATS "confessional" where we could apologies and bare our souls. And perhaps start a healing process of sorts. That thread was trashed before the third person was able to post.


I used to be a complainer to the mods when I saw, what I thought was inappropriate insults and occasionally, still do.... A mod told me to grow a thicker skin. That was very good advice because in controversial, political, religious, or any thread where there will be differing opinions, and they all are; you need to keep the perception that trolls are just waiting to take a contrary opinion. They see a contest and a chance to prove their intellect, cleverness, imagined knowledge, manliness, ideology etc for some fantasy "prize" in the often silly debate.

Now I find the whole "forum" milieu entertaining and a valuable resource for my work.

"Dish it out....I can take it"

originally posted by: Obsidian_Butterfly
a reply to: TzarChasm

I like this idea. BUT I also feel, sometimes the degree to which one has offended/disrespected/betrayed can only be treated with an a$$whooping and then we can all move on.

because eye for an eye right? retaliation is the urge to make someone hurt the way you hurt, but conflict is much more difficult to resolve when you are more determined to share your pain than to take theirs away.