How to Let Go of Holding Grudges

originally posted by: Benevolent Heretic
I've been studying Buddhism recently this falls right in line with that.

Now THAT is something I want to hear about! You'll have to start a thread on your spiritual journey. I know part of it but this is a new path you've taken a turn on. Buddhism is about letting go and it fits in with the 'let go of grudges' ... absolutely.

a reply to: BuzzyWigs

You're right on, there, Buzzy.

It can prove to be very therapeutic for one's self.... the proverbial 'chicken soup for the soul' type shyte, imo.

everybody walks/goes away feeling a little better about themselves, the situation, where they stand, etc.

originally posted by: 12m8keall2c
I, personally, feel the absolute worst and worthless grudge anyone can hold is the one they hold against themself....

Oh man .... I was raised Catholic ... we could talk about GUILT all day long! You are right ... there are grudges that can be held against yourself. Gotta' forgive yourself as well and move on. No dwelling on the past ... say you are sorry and apologize to God, the others, yourself, and move on ....

a reply to: FlyersFan

Oh man .... I was raised Catholic ... we could talk about GUILT all day long! You are right ... there are grudges that can be held against yourself.

Yeah. That.
But you already know my stance on religion-imposed self-loathing and guilt.

originally posted by: olaru12
Remembering betrayed trust isn't holding a grudge! It's a defense mechanism and protection against further BS.

That's right. I said something earlier about Evolutionary Psychology. Remembering betrayals is a survival mechanism from our evolutionary process. It's healthy. But dwelling on it in your head saying "I remember buzzywigs calling me names I didn't deserve' ... saying that in your head over and over and dwellling on it ... keeping that foremost in you mind during discussions and not allowing for her to say 'Im' sorry I made a mistake' and not forgiving that apology ... then it's a grudge. that's when the evolutionary psychology survival thing goes out the window and instead you are harming yourself instead of helping.

ETA .. no, I didn't have any fight with buzzywigs .. I was just using her name as a filler example.

a reply to: FlyersFan

But dwelling on it in your head saying "I remember buzzywhigs calling me names I didn't deserve' ... saying that in your head over and over and dwellling on it ... keeping that foremost in you mind during discussions and not allowing for her to say 'Im' sorry I made a mistake' and not forgiving that apology ... then it's a grudge.

Wait.
I did what now???!!!


And it's BuzzyWigs. Sheesh, get the spelling right!!!





Hey, you really would enjoy reading The Moral Animal; Why we are The Way We Are (if you haven't already).

Personal grudges:

- Time heals old wounds - correct, usually because ppl can't be bothered dwelling on it for too long. Depends on how serious the grudge and if it is one-sided (one party is definitely the wronged party).

- Think about the consequences of a retaliation and if it is "worth it".

- If you are the saint in the situation (iow you are definitely the wronged party), be passive aggressive about the situation. Say things that will get to their conscience and keep them thinking about it. Then cut ties to them and don't speak to them.

- Don't be afraid to not forgive. Doesn't mean you will retaliate in some way. Be fair to your own self-esteem and let yourself be the wronged party. Life isn't black and white like some ppl claim. Or go mid-way and forgive, but not forget (I don't believe that's an oxymoron like some ppl claim).

- Talk to other ppl about you being wronged. It actually doesn't matter that they actually believe or agree with you. It has other benefits apart from that. They will pass on the knowledge of your side of the story to other ppl in gossip and it may get to the relevant party. The more ppl that know about it the better. If that person wrongs another person your situation will provide more fuel to the fire against them. Plus enemy of my enemy is my friend etc.

Then again you can only be insulted, marginalized and categorized on the web so much, until you lose all respect, trust and appreciation of anything that member says.

oh yeah, "people like you"

a reply to: BuzzyWigs

I fixed the spelling and at the bottom of that I said I was just using your name as a filler and that we didn't have a fight. Unless you want to fight about my bad spelling. (teasing)

(It's hard to see your name ... the name and the picture are the same color)

a reply to: FlyersFan

I know, I saw your edit.
I was just teasing.

Here....I'll change the color.

I forgive you.
LOL!!

But all those feelings are part of my identity - if I let them go - how else do I validate my sense of self and what "they" did to me or what "the world" has allowed to happen to me? That sounds incredibly boring to just... not mind things... it sounds very frightening actually. How do you know if you're alive if you don't let emotion control your sense of self and how you relate to the world around you?

What else is there when you let go of the thoughts in your head?

IT'S SO SCARY.

This topic is really stressing me out at the moment, many hurtful things have been said on this forum down through the years, I am having hard time letting go of.

originally posted by: Floydshayvious
What else is there when you let go of the thoughts in your head?

Since this is the philosophical and metaphysical forum I'll say this .... let go of the negative emotions that are only hurting yourself and let in the healing energy. THAT is what else there is when you let go of the negative thoughts in your head.

I'm not talking about being a pollyanna ... remember the lessons ... but if the negative lives rent free in your head, then you will never be able to evict them and you won't be able to enjoy other things in life. Your mind will be too busy dwelling on the hurts.

Try to forgive as we wish to be forgiven.
Try to allow people room to grow.
REMEMBER the lessons and be careful.
But make room for change.

IMHO

originally posted by: Stormdancer777
This topic is really stressing me out at the moment, many hurtful things have been said on this forum down through the years, I am having hard time letting go of.

I hear you. I totally understand. I've been called all sorts of things that weren't true. And I've been beat up by gangs here all the while they scream absurdities about how evil I supposedly am. I get it. Really. If you aren't ready to let go .. then you aren't ready. Don't beat yourself up over it. Pain hurts. No denying it.

Not holding a grudge is hard work even when the other person is willing to work on making things better. But when we encounter difficult people it's even harder to move on. IMHO

a reply to: FlyersFan

I could let go in a heartbeat if people would apologize once and a while and own it.

If I fight back then suddenly I am the bad guy owing them the apology, which I do and then they do it to me again.

I think a grudge is a way to protect yourself in the future. If someone wrongs me in a bad way, I won't bow my head like a sheep and go on like nothing happened and live in pretend world. I've never been able to do that. The secret is; Know what you know but don't let it weigh in the front of your mind, only the back. Some circumstances cannot be forgiven, and shouldn't be. If someone wrongs me, I shut the door on them forever and it will never open again. Better think about that before screwing me over.

a reply to: Stormdancer777

You don't need to apologize. Just let it go from your head. (yes, easier said than done). You are owed an apology but will never get it. The steps given in the opening post say that, even though you are owed an apology, you have to accept that you won't get it and you move on. Leave the mean people behind to wallow in their own misery and when you separate them from your emotions, then you free yourself up and are healthier for it.

It's better for you to let go. Better spiritually, emotionally and physically. Hanging on to a grudge actually can be physically harming for you. So be kind to yourself ... accept that they owe you an apology but you won't get it ... leave them behind.

I've had to do that a number of times on this forum.
I'm owed a bunch of apologies. I"ll never get them.
I have to accept that and leave those folks to wallow in their own lies.
Eventually, it will catch up to them.

originally posted by: Fylgje
I won't bow my head like a sheep and go on like nothing happened and live in pretend world.

Of course not. Remember the lesson. Don't be a door mat. But don't hold a grudge. Follow the steps in the opening post. If the others won't, then accept that there is no repairing the situation and move on. Don't let their bad behavior have a negative effect on you spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

originally posted by: Stormdancer777
This topic is really stressing me out at the moment, many hurtful things have been said on this forum down through the years, I am having hard time letting go of.

Consider it a part of the ASCENSION process and the heavier your soul ways with low vibrating thought/behaviors like Grudge-hate the less of a chance for your SOUL to rise due to low energy counterweights attaching to your Energy.
Its ok to be aware of the ignorances directed @ you for cautious observations if not to protect yourself. But don't let that energy sit / attach to your rising Soul/Spirit/Internal ENERGY it WILL only slow you down from ascending beyond or hold you back.
Imagine retaliation on battle fields even though some possess the strongest compassionate hearts to go out and risk their lives for another the grudges/hate can overwhelm their energy or make it heavy like gravity so you cannot rise... Placing you in a region where your soul may have issues detaching from...

Good Luck Stormdancer777

LOVE LIGHT ETERNIA*******

originally posted by: Benevolent Heretic
a reply to: FlyersFan

Love this thread! I've been studying Buddhism recently this falls right in line with that.

I was actually raised in Norman Vincent Peale's "power of positive thought" church (Religious Science/Science of Mind). My mom was one of the original members.

They have since changed the name to: Centers for Spiritual Living (people kept mixing it up with Scientology). Science of Mind is the study of the philosophy.

It's actually originally Christian based --- but has evolved to include all thinking. Of course, some Christians fear it and call it Devil Worship. How dare anyone not live in a state if repent.

One thing they do that always cracks me up is ---- they change the words to traditional hymns/songs. They remove any negative reference (like sin) and replace it with a positive thought.

Having been raised in this way of thinking, then seeing people newly discovering it, actually makes me feel good.

If you do have something negative you're having trouble letting go of, tie it to a helium balloon and let it lift itself away from you. (Imaginary or for real. If you need to write it on paper and physically tie it to the balloon, that's OK too.