I don't want to end up being like my Dad..

This would no doubt hurt him incredibly if he knew, but I'm genuinely concerned for my future.

Bottom line is; we all take after our parents. BUT I only want the good bits!

Easier said than done.

My dad is very intelligent, and knows a thing or 2 about a thing or 2.
But because he was the black sheep of his large family, he's ended up spending his entire life trying to 'prove' himself to people. He's actually now a genuine "know it all" and nobody likes one of those! He's kinda aware of it, but thinks it's too late to change, and that he's always right anyway. Very ignorant really! (btw he's in his 60's)

Anyways, I've taken some of his attributes on and do well in life with them. ie kindness, good sense of humour, witty, helpful, reliable, generous just to mention a few..

But I'm REALLY concerned about taking on his negatives.

He actually 'hates' a lot of asinine stuff, pointless stuff that is negative and surely unhealthy. But sticks by it more passionately than anything else!

To me it seems like he's surrounding himself with pointless negative stuff, when he should be enjoying himself and life in general.

I've noticed over the past few years that I also despise certain things, and the whole point of this ramble is to say;

I'm scared of becoming like my Dad.

Maybe this should have been in the rant forum? I don't know..

But I do feel a bit better already :-)

Sorry if you feel like I've wasted your time, I was kinda hoping I wasn't on my own with these thoughts.

Thank you for reading regardless.

a reply to: OpenEars123
I wouldn't sweat it.

True ... we pick up behaviors and mannerisms from our parents, but they're nothing that can't be ironed out if we maintain our awareness. That said, it's never too _early_ to change.

Bad habits like road rage ... sudden, impulsive behaviors ... are the ones you'll regret adopting.

Be thankful you've got a dad.

originally posted by: Snarl
a reply to: OpenEars123
I wouldn't sweat it.

True ... we pick up behaviors and mannerisms from our parents, but they're nothing that can't be ironed out if we maintain our awareness. That said, it's never too _early_ to change.

Bad habits like road rage ... sudden, impulsive behaviors ... are the ones you'll regret adopting.

Agreed, and thank you for the wise words.
I'm aware of it all, but still find myself acting like him negatively in more ways than I'd care to wish. This is what bothers me the most I guess.

a reply to: OpenEars123

I get what you are saying. You're your own person, though, even if you can trace some of your personality traits to him- or anyone else for that matter.

I'd be willing to bet you have little to be concerned about. The fact you are being vigilant in the construction of who you wish to be says volumes about you...and places you well ahead of many.

Good luck to you. I think you will be fine.

originally posted by: VoidHawk
Be thankful you've got a dad.

I am VERY thankful, even more so since I last my Mum 5 years back. In fact we get on better now than ever, but that was mainly because I blew up at him 2 years back. Since then (for the 1st time) he's respected me more, and even seeks advice about things we've never spoken about before.

Wish I didn't have to blow up like I did, but the results have been great since.

I'm sorry If you've lost your Dad, I know how that feels

originally posted by: loam
a reply to: OpenEars123

I get what you are saying. You're your own person, though, even if you can trace some of your personality traits to him- or anyone else for that matter.

I'd be willing to bet you have little to be concerned about. The fact you are being vigilant in the construction of who you wish to be says volumes about you...and places you well ahead of many.

Good luck to you. I think you will be fine.

Wow, lovely words thank you...

Maybe I should spend more time improving myself, rather than worrying about my dad.

I'm actually a stuck for words after that reply, but in a good way.

Thanks again.

a reply to: OpenEars123

Here is a question for you.

Did your father, ever once, make you feel as if you were irrelevant to him? Did you ever feel more like a badge for him to wear to justify his existence, than a person in your own right? Did he ever force, by way of his own laziness, your mother to shoulder a greater burden than she ought to have been asked to carry alone?

If the answer to these is no, then you could do much worse than to follow his example to the letter.

If however, the answer is yes, to any one of these, then avoid the route of emulation.

What I would say, is that it is healthy for a fellow to know what he does, and does not like. It is also healthy for a child to learn that lesson early. Doing so promotes a healthy interest in wider matters, like right and wrong, crime and punishment, law and order, and the odd manner in which law rarely serves the aim of justice in this modern world.

For references sake, my father did all the wrong things, and the only thing I ever learned from him, were all the ways to avoid being able to call oneself a man without lying. He disowned myself, and my sister, and divorced my mother, when I was fifteen years of age, just coming up to my last year in senior school. He actually moved out during my exams.

He was a thoughtless, spiteful, callous creature. His every attempt at bonding was a mere chore to him. Rarely have I encountered such a cancerous individual as my own father. It can seem that I am too ready to say that of him to some people, because people by and large, want to believe the best about folk. But truly, this was a man for whom the entire business of being a man was something that other, lesser beings than he need concern themselves with, and was not for his unique psyche to have to bend around.

So, from where I sit, unless your father is Satan incarnate, the devil in a mask of flesh, I would recommend giving him the benefit of the doubt, and yourself as well. Although it is important, vital even, that a person come to their own decision about who they are, who they want to be, how they want to be, the example provided by a good father cannot be underestimated, in either its value or its potency.

Your father, from what you have said, does not appear to be an agent of Hell, just a curmudgeon. There are many worse things to be than a curmudgeon... At least, I hope so. I am the youngest one I know!

a reply to: TrueBrit

Mate, thank you for that deep reply.

I am lucky that my father is and wasn't like yours. I'm sorry your Dad was such a pr1ck,and appreciate your openness very much.

After reading your post (and the one above saying "feel lucky you have a Dad") has already made me love him more, even more than I do anyway which is LOADS.

Damn, I feel a bit stupid bitching about him now. Actually I feel like a real ass.

All responses have been much appreciated, thank you all.

a reply to: OpenEars123

Wow I don't think I would worry about his negatives...is there anyone out there with none???

You say he is Intelligent... kindness, good sense of humour, witty, helpful, reliable, generous just to mention a few..

Wow I wish he was my Dad!!

You didn't really explain this

He actually 'hates' a lot of asinine stuff, pointless stuff that is negative and surely unhealthy. But sticks by it more passionately than anything else!

To me it seems like he's surrounding himself with pointless negative stuff

My kids are nothing at all like me or like their dad. I am in zero ways like my Mother or Father, so I don't think we automatically become our parents

My kids actually say all the things you do about the good parts of your Dad about me, but they can't stand that I don't care about style, about money and about having stuff and I am different than their friends Mothers and that seems to offend them. I also could care less about holidays and other things they value and simply doing for them has not been enough, I am expected to feel what they want me to feel.

We are not all the same, if we are good people that should be enough.

a reply to: OpenEars123

originally posted by: OpenEars123
Damn, I feel a bit stupid bitching about him now. Actually I feel like a real ass.

But look at how you just grew.

I wouldn't sweat it.

a reply to: OpenEars123

Just a word of advice..or maybe just some thoughts to consider.

I did not want to be like my Mom and made life mistakes going in the opposite direction. Not bad mistakes according to my family...and in fact they are great-full, but self sacrificing mistakes. That was a part of going to far to the opposite extreme to protect my children at the expense of myself.

I have noticed many others who have gone to the extreme opposite to counterbalance a perceived wrong in their family.

Just wanted you to be aware of this possibility as you try to adjust your life to reflect who you want to be. At the same time, do not forget who you are and work on those things that trouble you. Just don't blindly go to the opposite thinking it will change everything.

I am in my late sixties and been there. Hoping it works out well for you.

Whilst you may dislike things about your father you don't seem to have a great deal of insight why he holds attitudes which you dislike and trust me however deep it is buried there is some cause or justification behind it.

Someday your father will be laid to rest and just a memory. Then your life will be filled with regrets for all the things you never said to him and for not appreciating him when you had a chance.

Whether or not it is a hard pill to swallow, my best advice is try to get to know him and what motivated him to be what he is.

There is no need to fear becoming like him because you will naturally strive to be different and if there is a risk, then isn't it better to ask him so you can find out the cause behind his attitudes?

As teenagers we all pull away from our parents and want to be different. later as we become adults and have our own life experiences we begin to forgive and understand our parents. It is better to start that journey whilst he is still alive or you will always regret delaying.

a reply to: Char-Lee


Ha! You sound like an über cool Mom! :-D

No but really, for your kids to say those things means a lot!

I guess you're right, not 'everyone' takes after their folks, but I think you might be the minority? Again, I could be wrong there.

We'll spotted about me not emphasising about the things he hates btw! They are so petty I decided not to mention them in my OP.

Couple of quick examples;

He says he dislikes all children now, even though he adores his grandson, and was also a pretty good dad. But it's got to the point now, that even if there's child characters (with attitude) in a A list amazing movie, he will hate it because of the stroppy kids in it.

He hates Manchester United, so therefore hates that's played for them, regardless of how genuinely good they are.

He basically hates a lot of crap which is pointless, but will fervently stress (and waste good time and karma) on how much he hates these pointless things to everyone.

And GOD HELP YOU if you disagree, as he will HATE you for doing so! Lol

I hope these small examples explain more

a reply to: OpenEars123

Maybe it isn't so much about what he hates, but more to do with feeling like he matters. It's a pretty common sentiment.

originally posted by: liveandlearn
a reply to: OpenEars123

Just a word of advice..or maybe just some thoughts to consider.

I did not want to be like my Mom and made life mistakes going in the opposite direction. Not bad mistakes according to my family...and in fact they are great-full, but self sacrificing mistakes. That was a part of going to far to the opposite extreme to protect my children at the expense of myself.

I have noticed many others who have gone to the extreme opposite to counterbalance a perceived wrong in their family.

Just wanted you to be aware of this possibility as you try to adjust your life to reflect who you want to be. At the same time, do not forget who you are and work on those things that trouble you. Just don't blindly go to the opposite thinking it will change everything.

I am in my late sixties and been there. Hoping it works out well for you.

This is great advice, thank you so very much.

I'm pretty balanced with who I want to be and expect, but it's nice to hear more wise words 'just in case' I get lost along the way.

Many thanks again.

originally posted by: loam
a reply to: OpenEars123

Maybe it isn't so much about what he hates, but more to do with feeling like he matters. It's a pretty common sentiment.

Deeeeeeep, but also very true!

He has issues from childhood, which followed down to me in my childhood, which makes me feel this way I guess.

But I didn't want to get into all that as I'm ok now, honest! Lol. But seriously, I understand mostly why he thinks the way he does now. I just wanted to share why I don't want to end up sounding, saying, being like he is... I just want his good attributes, not the bad ones.

Could be worse, my old mans a raging alcoholic asshat.

a reply to: OpenEars123

So then just choose them...and don't use the times you don't to serve as justification for why you can't in the future.

It really is just as simple as that.

a reply to: OpenEars123

This would no doubt hurt him incredibly if he knew, but I'm genuinely concerned for my future.

Bottom line is; we all take after our parents. BUT I only want the good bits!

Easier said than done.

You've said it best yourself as far as I am concerned. I've been down this road and it is a long way from over, and I'm 51. It never ends. At some point you have to realize you are you and people, family accept you or they don't. But either way, you have to move on. Take the good bits and move forward.