I come here with an idea, maybe not a revolutionary one, but perhaps from a new or unheard point-of-view that can grant new insights for people who
are interested in the subject.
Where to start… Well, let me introduce myself; I'm a 26 year human being from Belgium, Europe, that's enough personal information for now, as we'll
be getting quite intimate with my mind and thoughts, later on. I'm very interested in subjects such as psychology in general, but also conspiracy
"niches" like MKU, testing of psychopharmaca in militaries throughout recent history,…
It's important to know that I'm (99% likely) a psychiatric borderline patient. The reason I say 99% likely is because, in case you're unaware,
borderline is very hard to define as it is composed of lots of symptoms that could easily be interpreted as being indications of a different
psychiatric illnesses. Also, I am for the most part undiagnosed/self-diagnosed, as doctors in Europe, or Belgium more specifically perhaps, seem to
have a hard time pinning a specific name to a condition, something I believe they do as to not stigmatize the patient, but something that's also
extremely frustrating for someone who for once just wants to hear what it COULD BE from a trained professional's mouth.
None of them so far have been willing to go so far as to even say they THINK it could be this or that. They want me admitted as an inpatient for
several months before even considering putting a label on it, something I am mentally not prepared to do, as I have tried it one day and that was
enough to break me. (borderline - abandonment issues - dumping me in a room full of other psychiatric patients who, in my mind, were all like me, but
without the inhibitions and self-control, and were all very confronting the minute I got there, on why I was there, etc. without the least supervision
-> not a very good combination…)
Perhaps I just haven't stumbled upon the right psych yet, I believe a good psych is one who has a few screws loose himself, and so far all I've
encountered are pompous diploma-munchers who are probably very good at getting to the bottom of things, but fail to make a patient feel like they
UNDERSTAND YOU. If they did, they'd help me identify and name my problem, rather than try to get me to work as quickly as possible…
For years I believed I was bipolar, discovering this about myself had been a major breakthrough! But by now, there are more symptoms than can be
attributed to my being bipolar alone, which led me to believe there is either an added illness, or I had the wrong idea all along. After several years
of additional self-analysis and comparison to various DSM registered psychiatric disorders, I came to the conclusion that the term of borderline
personality disorder fits me best. Many professionals now believe the term is inappropriate, but as you'll read soon, I believe the term to be
accurate in many cases, including my own.
2. THE MEAT
I believe theories such as MK Ultra are very real. I know they are real on record, what I mean is I believe 100% that it works and has been and is
probably still being used.
I will expand on this in chapter 5, but it is important to understand where I'm coming from, to get an idea what it is like to have my brain, that
you read the following chapters as well. Especially people who are hard set in their beliefs of experiments such as MK Ultra not being possible. I'm
here to try and convince you that, from the point of view of a possible subject of such programming, it is very much doable and even probable. NOTE: I
am in no way saying I am a subject of programming!! I believe, if MKU were real, I would be susceptible for it, nothing more.
Please read more here
I'm susceptible to what I see, read, hear and experience. I suck it up like a vacuum and it stays in my mind once it's there, and most of it, is very
nasty stuff, due to the illness I'm quite convinced. When I see a heel being sliced in the movie hostel, it's not just a movie, the concept penetrates
my soul, my psyche, and burrows itself into my mind like a cancerous disease, waiting to project itself into my mind again when the right trigger is
pulled. My triggers are still my biggest mystery, and even worse, my biggest fear... they can be anxiety-, depression-, agression-, sexuality-,
socially-,...related. This is what frightens me as it is the part of me that is still a big dark void that no matter how hard I try, I can not get a
I can just easily imagine someone being psychologically programmed to the point where they'll do stuff and not know why they did it, because they
can't identify what triggered the behavior, and most likely aren't even aware they WERE triggered in the first place.
3. THE TERM BORDERLINE
What does the word borderline mean? And why was it picked as the word to most accurately describe the illness? When I think about it, I'm LITERALLY on
the borderline of being full blown fruitcake bat# crazy, it's just that I am (most times) aware of these often freakish thoughts and can manage to
control myself, at least when it comes to the most severe ones. (What I mean with this is; I often fail(ed) to control rage directed towards material
objects, or my own body, for example. I can't count the number of times my fist has lost a 1v1 with a wall, nor my head (which could explain quite a
few things haha!... ).
It is a common theory nowadays to explain the (to many psychiatrists incorrect) name "borderline" by saying the illness is on the borderline of being
many different illnesses. Well, instead, I like to think, somewhere along history, a psych (I even believe the first person to coin the term
"borderline" is known by name, but I don't want to distract myself by finding it out, stars for whoever does!) had a patient like me, who was aware of
the suggestions he was getting, but was also aware that they were dangerous and wanted to put and end to them, or at least, have his mind "checked".
When he first told the doc the things he thought, I can imagine them being similar to what I listed below, the psych undoubtedly must have thought
something along the lines of: "MY GOD, THIS MAN IS ON THE BORDER OF BEING A FULL BLOWN SERIALKILLER!". Literally standing at the borderline, one more
step and he'd actually be killing people, executing the plans in his head. People who are better educated than me in the subject might disagree, and
I would understand, so please do point out if my ideas are wrong! Borderline as a term covers so many symptoms and is different for all kinds of
patients, for all I know my idea of borderline is very different from the illness that is today carrying it's name, and I'm just linking the name to
how I personally experienced my own illness.
edit on 7-7-2014 by Strawberry88 because: typos
edit on 7-7-2014 by Strawberry88
because: (no reason given)
edit on 7-7-2014 by Strawberry88 because: (no reason given)
edit on 7-7-2014 by
Strawberry88 because: (no reason given)