Did you ever have a lot of friends?

You must first love yourself Bro.

Happiness comes from within.

If you are waiting for someone to bring happiness to you.

You will be miserable.

Best of Luck....Try your best not to judge others.

It seems a lot of kids are like this these days. For some reason you think the world owes you some promised life. No sir you must get out there and claim it for yourself. In this life nothing is owed, nothing is promised and nothing is EVER fair!

PS. You've just been pep talked

Hope I didnt waste a good pep talk on some Elliot Rodger experiment.

what an epic thread. I don't really know what to say. it parallels my journey with relationships, don't know if I should caution you like others have or just reassure you that you will find someone. I'm still single :/ and I'm 30. when I was 13/14 I had the most amazing two year relationship in Jr. High. after that life just sucked, and it still does. I feel like I can't get back to my optimistic self, no matter what I do, and it has cost me severely at times. I had a lot of bad stuff happen to me in this life, I'm not about to give up. It has hardened me and steeled myself for future success. I just wish I could regain my positive outlook...I think its hard to find satisfaction/positive attitude with these bipolar pills. sometimes I wonder if its the journey of pills that has made my emotions more unstable continually going on and off literally dozens of medications/psychotropics. sometimes I think the answer(pills) is the problem.

edit to add: I never had manic episodes BEFORE I took Zoloft. Mike Tyson had the same problems with behavior when he was on it.

Hey dude i can really relate to what you are saying as im in a very similar sort of situation at the moment. It wasn't always like this for me but its just how things have panned out over the last few years.

The advice that most people will give is not wrong but i think it does not help one to escape and overcome the situation. Advice will not make us and friends nor attract people our way. However it can provide a stepping stone to understand and become content with ones situation.

I think a lot of times people do not not consider the very fact that having no one around you stigmatizes an individual. It kind of like a being homeless. As soon as people know you have no friends they will instantly draw conclusion upon your character as they do on the homeless. This might not be true for everyone but i think it applies to a wide majority.

What my advice to you is to understand suffering, sorrow, pain, pleasure and love as whole. I have come to find a peace within myself by delving into these topics mostly with the help of Mr Jiddu Krishnamurti. I recommend you listen and watch the dialogues between Krishnamurti and Dr. Allan W. Anderson on YouTube. It really helps one confront the basics of why and how we feel the anger, envy and frustration in life.

I have not improved my situation yet but i can now understand and reflect upon my pain which helps it dissolve in some ways. There is a greater issue at hand here and i feel that for me it should no longer be about trying to fix it for myself but to find a solution which may benefit others as well. It is quite ironic how there are so many lonely people in the world, yet even the lonely will not want to provide company and comfort to the lonely.

a reply to: muse7

Do you think you are more shy or introverted, or both? I am an introvert who is also shy. I think an introvert is one who simply does not like to be around a lot of people, and a shy person lacks self-confidence, so they are tense and uncomfortable around people. The introvert thing really can't be changed (imo), but the shyness thing can, if one can work on their self-confidence.

I was a lot more timid and shy when I was younger. As I get older, I have gotten less shy. I guess as you get older you gain a little more self-confidence (or you just don't give a crap what people think of you anymore - ha). But I'm still pretty introverted, i.e., I hate big parties or large family gatherings.

Regarding the girlfriend issue -- don't lose hope. I never dated in high school - never had a boyfriend. I met a boy when I was in college that I dated for about a year. That was pretty much it in college. Not bragging or anything, but I was fairly attractive and got a few offers, but was too darn shy to say yes. That was pretty much the same story all during my twenties. I dated a few times, but it never got very serious. There was one exception, but that guy was a jealous controlling nut. Long story short, by the time I was in my early thirties, I was single and had resigned myself to being that way the rest of my life. I pretty much quit dating altogether.

When I was 34, I had a friend at work who was determined to get me married. She tried to fix me up with a couple of her guy friends, but it never worked out. Then one of her husband's co-workers was getting a divorce, and she thought he would be perfect for me. Of course I resisted at first - same ole, same ole, right? She persisted, and I agreed to go on a blind double-date with her and her husband. Miracle of miracles, we hit it off right away. He is very much a non-shy extrovert, and he had no trouble starting lots of conversations with me. As shy as I was, he pulled me out of my shell. We have now been married for 15 years, and have a beautiful 12-year-old daughter together.

I was hoping my daughter would get my husband's personality, but alas, she appears to be a shy introvert just like me. But I think she'll survive. I did -- and you will too.

a reply to: muse7

This sounds like that dude in California.

"Fair" is what you make of it. If you want to meet people, then go do it. Do it enough, and you may find enough folks throughout the process of attrition that you develop a coven of friends.

But to wish ill on others because they are able to get what they want out of life.....that is getting into the realm of scary/crazy.

ETA: i should clarify that I enjoy participating in this forum with you. At least, for the most part. But it is this single sentence that prompts me to encourage you to figure this whole thing out before we see you on the news:

Every time that I see a successful person or a young couple, hatred and envy takes over me.

a reply to: bigfatfurrytexan

I wasn't going to go there, but you're right -- the hatred thing really needs some attention sooner rather than later. I remember seeing girls in high school and college who were popular and had boyfriends -- I may have been envious, but I never felt any hatred for them. I just wished I was more like them. I knew it was my own fault I wasn't popular with lots of boyfriends. It was my personality that was the problem, and I knew it. The dude in California was blaming everyone but himself for his loneliness. Muse just needs to keep himself from going down that road.

a reply to: muse7

There's no magic formula for making friends. It's hard for all of us. Even for the tiny minority of people who are socially gifted. Why do you think they serve alcohol at virtually every social gathering? It's not because people like the taste.

You're in college, heading toward graduation. Well, you weren't born with the knowledge and abilities that got you there. You worked at them. You studied. You practiced. You were tested. It didn't all happen overnight.

Making friends is the same thing. From what you say, you haven't practiced making friends much. So you're pretty lousy at it. Big surprise. Imagine going into a test without having learned any material, and expecting to get a passing grade.

You're also shy and introverted. Guess what? So are most people.

You are remedial at friend-making. So correct that. Study, practice, ask for help, etc. And I don't believe you're immune from therapy. It works if you work it. You might look into body language. You are probably unconsciously sending a lot of "stay away" messages. Just correcting that can work wonders.

And let go of that hate. That's not helping you at all.

The good news is there are a lot of other people out there who need friends too. And they'll forgive your crappy, haphazard friend-making efforts. Because they'll appreciate another human honesty reaching out to them. Sure, there are some people who will slap you back. You'll have to suck that up. But there isn't as much of that as you think. Especially if you're making an honest effort.

So let me leave you with this:

Your problems aren't unique. You can solve them. It will be tough. Probably harder than your toughest academic subject.

You may never becoming a friend making star. Just as I will never be a top tennis player. But I can still have fun playing a set or two.

a reply to: kaylaluv

Envy is part of our nature. Controlling it is the key.

I became less envious when I decided I no longer wanted what others had, but instead wanted my own things. This line of thought taught me that I didn't want the 6' tall, thin, chesty blond I married right out of high school. I actually wanted a short, chunky, latin woman. That decision made me the happiest man alive.

Sometimes it is about changing your expectations from someone else's expectations to your own.

originally posted by: bigfatfurrytexan
a reply to: kaylaluv
I actually wanted a short, chunky, latin woman.

me too

originally posted by: kaylaluv
a reply to: muse7

Do you think you are more shy or introverted, or both? I am an introvert who is also shy. I think an introvert is one who simply does not like to be around a lot of people, and a shy person lacks self-confidence, so they are tense and uncomfortable around people. The introvert thing really can't be changed (imo), but the shyness thing can, if one can work on their self-confidence.

I was a lot more timid and shy when I was younger. As I get older, I have gotten less shy. I guess as you get older you gain a little more self-confidence (or you just don't give a crap what people think of you anymore - ha). But I'm still pretty introverted, i.e., I hate big parties or large family gatherings.

Regarding the girlfriend issue -- don't lose hope. I never dated in high school - never had a boyfriend. I met a boy when I was in college that I dated for about a year. That was pretty much it in college. Not bragging or anything, but I was fairly attractive and got a few offers, but was too darn shy to say yes. That was pretty much the same story all during my twenties. I dated a few times, but it never got very serious. There was one exception, but that guy was a jealous controlling nut. Long story short, by the time I was in my early thirties, I was single and had resigned myself to being that way the rest of my life. I pretty much quit dating altogether.

When I was 34, I had a friend at work who was determined to get me married. She tried to fix me up with a couple of her guy friends, but it never worked out. Then one of her husband's co-workers was getting a divorce, and she thought he would be perfect for me. Of course I resisted at first - same ole, same ole, right? She persisted, and I agreed to go on a blind double-date with her and her husband. Miracle of miracles, we hit it off right away. He is very much a non-shy extrovert, and he had no trouble starting lots of conversations with me. As shy as I was, he pulled me out of my shell. We have now been married for 15 years, and have a beautiful 12-year-old daughter together.

I was hoping my daughter would get my husband's personality, but alas, she appears to be a shy introvert just like me. But I think she'll survive. I did -- and you will too.

I don't know, during my first few years of college I did make an effort to change how I was. I even randomly went to parties and walked up to strangers. When I attended the parties I just ended up walking around awkwardly. None of the girls there even dared to strike up a conversation with me. They just flocked to the most obnoxious douchebags that were the most loud. The only thing they asked me is why I was so quiet, and that infuriated me. It always does, when I get asked that question.

My life has become so mundane, I have no friends, I have no one. The only persons that talk to me at my college are the professors and that's because they have to.

On my weekends I just drive around aimlessly just to get out of the house, sometimes I'll just drive out into the country to enjoy nature. That's the only thing I enjoy now, being able to experience the beautiful sunsets and scenery out in the country, away from the city. I don't enjoy life anymore, and that's a real shame because I'm only 22 years old.

It just makes me feel so miserable all the time, knowing that people my age are out there having fun and experiencing new things.

a reply to: muse7

i don't want to belabor a point here....but "psychologist" is your pathway to equilibrium. Your issues may be clinical (and treatable with a pill), or they may not. But please see someone smarter than the internet. You do deserve to find whatever happiness is to you.

originally posted by: bigfatfurrytexan
a reply to: muse7

i don't want to belabor a point here....but "psychologist" is your pathway to equilibrium. Your issues may be clinical (and treatable with a pill), or they may not. But please see someone smarter than the internet. You do deserve to find whatever happiness is to you.

I've been seeing Psychologists since I was 8 years old....hell, my dad even hired 2 life coaches to help me integrate into society and be able to make friends and all that didn't work.

I've refused to take any drugs, because what they want to put me on is not the stuff I need. I do have an appointment with a psychiatrist next week.

I don't want to sound crazy because I'm not.

a reply to: muse7

I don't think you are crazy.

a reply to: muse7

You actually sound a lot like me when I was your age. Hang in there.

Oh brother, its either easy for someone to make friends/relationships, or its not. Nothing to write home about either way.

Be yourself, love yourself

Dont compare yourself to others. Take care

I am sure it is very hard for you - driving around alone on the weekend, walking around the park alone, seeing couples, friends, etc.

A good counselor/psychologist would be a good start. If you are religious, maybe join a young adult group at your religious organization. If you are a spiritual person (non-religious), there's tons of classes, workshops, doings where you'll meet lots of women - because more women seem to attend those than men (in my experience).

Got a dog? Take the dog walking with you and it opens doors to strangers. At least people will stop and pet the dog, talk, smile, and you don't feel so alone at the park.

Got free time? Then volunteer for lots of things - whatever interests you, whatever you talents are, whatever moves you. It will get you around people, you'll be helping people or the earth or animals or whatever, and that will make you feel good too.

Make it a game - to be the kindest, loveliest person all day. Open doors, smile, say good day, chat up the coffee barrista, just keep smiling, talking, and making other people feel good about themselves, about the day, about your interaction. If you take the focus off of you and onto others, you'll feel much joy. Don't expect anything in return. Don't do it to "get something" back. Just do it to be the noblest, finest human being. Make your life your art.

Read affirming books, listen to affirming CDs when you drive in that car alone. There's tons of them out there -- and you get them from the library if you don't have the $$ to buy, or get them used on Amazon. I am listening to Michael Bernard Beckwith's Spiritual Liberation CD in my car, after just reading the book -- and it is really uplifting. Get the book Hero by Rhonda Byrne - and you'll read stories about people who started with nothing or worse and who held fast to their dreams to build a great life.

If you can't get past the anger and envy, aside from psychology, try going to some 3rd world country and volunteering for a period of time. You'll come back knowing you are truly blessed.

Recently, I saw on TV the story of a wounded vet who had lost his arms and legs -- who put an ad on match.com and is soon to marry a lovely woman and has adopted her kids. He is an incredible inspiration.

Allowing yourself to spiral into muck and despair and anger - is very unhealthy physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Darkness attracts darkness.

Be well my friend. Your life is a gift. Make the most of it.

a reply to: muse7


A lot of good advice has already been given to you

After much psychology and psychiatrist treatment I would say 'that cure' for
your situation is not working .... as actions speak louder than words!

One thing for sure is one or two good friends are worth a hundred
acquaintances .... QUALITY not QUANTITY

Like the poster above has said GET YOURSELF A DOG mans best friend?
You will get loyalty and love second to none, that will relax you, and you
will no longer give out the 'smell' of desperation which is the enemy to making
friends!

I know of one very happy couple who were brought together by their dogs and all
four of them seem to be living (and loving) happily ever after!

I am just to weird. Always have been, I was the loner as a kid and it has been that way even into adulthood. I finally married someone as weird, if not weirder than me, and we mesh so we got married. Love him to death, but his being out of work right now is killing me, I need more alone time than I am getting. In the nearly 2 years that we have been married, this is literally the most time I have ever spent with another person in regards to quality and quantity time. Anyone else and I would have gone running for the hills by now.

I was completely content being single, and he screwed that all to hell and climbed into my personal space bubble and won't leave. Did I mention my personal space bubble has barbed wire and lasers aimed at anyone who dares enter?

It depends on what you mean by 'a lot'.

In high school I had a group of about 20 friends and we all did stuff together. College I had adult friends. Maybe half a dozen good friends. As a young adult I had a group of about a dozen friends. As an older person, not so many. I have been stuck at home for the past 4-5 years and so I really don't have any active friendships .. friends who get together and do things. I have distance friendships ... 'talk' over email. Probably 10 people like that. But actual friends who go out and do things .. none. I can't do that stuff anymore and people tend to forget about you when you can't do things with them. That's okay, I"m never feeling up to doing much of anything with people anyways.