posted on Jul, 2 2014 @ 02:44 PM
First off I want to say some of you here have seen my posts and know that I am not what you consider a great poster. I am not good at writing in
general, and have trouble putting thoughts into words. This is why I have not that many posts. I apologize if this post seems illiterate or dry. I am
also writing this on a tablet that I am still getting used to working.
We see so many stories now on the news and in the papers about people who either attempt or commit suicide. Some say it is more prevalent now, and
others say it has always been an occurrence. I know many people have different views on suicide, many of which came to be from personal experience.
Some people feel sorry and try to help these people in their low points, and some people choose to turn away and say its your decision. Either way I
feel we need to do more as a society to try and help people who feel this low. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Anywho, this is
After 911, some time had passed. I decided to join the Marines. I had moved around quite a bit as a young child, so I never had the close friendships
and stuff that alot of people do. I figured the military would give me a good sense of purpose as well as family. I ended up doing 3 tours altogether
overseas. Many people in war never have to take a life, but others do. When I came home for good I faced alot of inner turmoil. It caused my
relationship at the time to suffer. I suffer from ptsd and depression mainly because of my time overseas. I could still see peoples faces and to this
day I still can remember every second before, during, and after the time I had to pull the trigger. I am me, and I made every decision on my own, but
each decision came with a lifetime of consequence.
To speed up the time....I arrived at home and didnt get any help worth a flip from any organization. I had changed as a person and became someone I
wasn't. I had turned into something I can only really describe as maybe a monster? My relationship went south because I was a different person. My
anger was out of control, and I was so down all the time. I would sleep maybe 2 hours at a time and any time I attempted to get good sleep I woke up
from nightmares. This went on for some time and I finally turned to alcohol to dull the pain. I ended up being addicted to alcohol and turned to it in
my time of need. This culminated into a whirlwind of problems which led me to my breaking point.
One night I was drinking as usual, and I came to my breaking point. I loaded my handgun, chambered a round, placed it to my temple and pulled the
trigger. Nothing happened. At that point something changed. I cant really describe it, but immediately I was filled with emotions from everywhere. I
dont know why my pistol didnt discharge to this day, but because it didnt, I got a second chance at life. A second chance that most people never get.
I went to the emergency room the next day and got some help. They hooked me up with a good therapist. I also called my father and told him he needed
to hold on to my guns because I didnt need them around. Not because I would harm someone else, but because of fear of what I would do to myself.
A few years later I have relapsed a few times but I still continue to remain sober. I received alot of good help and im able to live with myself. I
went back to school and became a Paramedic here. It gives me a real opportunity to try and help others who suffer the same lows that I did. Every now
and then you get a call and run a suicide and it does really bother me. It kills me. It rehashes everything I dealt with. It kills me because these
are mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, and they didnt get a second chance. No matter what you go through there is always light somewhere. Sometimes
its extremely hard to find, and nearly impossible to find alone. I have a great deal of pain and love for these people and wish there was something
more I could do. Its a huge problem we face everyday. Joeblow on the street usually isnt going to go into every personal issue he is going through,
so its very hard to help these people.
Thats really all I got. I lost my grandfather last night and this rehashed alot of emotions. Not like before, but your typical sadness. I just
wanted to reach out to some people and I guess more or less try and give a little insight into the mind of someone who has attempted this. Maybe we
can help more people in some way. Many people on this very website helped me tremendously. Lost Viking, Mike, Slayer, Neo.... a major shout out to all
the support you guys gave.