Need advice on coping with wife's suggestion of "same home" seperation...

So a week or so ago, things between my wife and I started to change. We both get home from work around the same time and usually get together on each other’s day. But she started to withdraw from me, not talking or even glancing my way so I asked her what’s wrong, what’s really going on?

We talked that night and she told me she felt lost, confused and that she wasn’t feeling as in love with me as she has been in the past. We up to this point have been married since ’01 and dated for four years prior to then. She said that it happened shortly after we relocated. She has a couple friends but that’s about it. After listening to her talk about this, she broke down crying (I have only ever seen this woman cry a few times), but not like this. I felt horrible and tried to console her. She told me that she felt awful about the feelings that she was experiencing and told me that she and I weren’t the entire issue but even worse that she didn’t know what else was causing her to feel this way. The only word that came to her mind was the word “Space”.

Since then, we do not make any physical contact with each other whatsoever. That is the hardest thing for me as I’m an affectionate guy and happen to like touching my wife, a lot, I Love her. We went for a walk a few nights later and talked, laughed and joked about things, talking as best friends often do, she said toward the end that she didn’t know if she would get those feelings back for me. That was devastating. I couldn’t imagine my life without my wife. We had separated once before and lived apart for a bit after which, she allowed us to reconcile.

Our home is fairly large, two floors and our oldest Daughter, her husband and two boys live with us and our youngest daughter of nine. I believe the space she needs is not only to make friends but also at home too. Neither daughter has no idea that this is going on. And I have talked with my oldest daughter and asked her to move a.s.a.p. as they have been here for months now.

I am heart-broken about everything and feel lost. I’ve always been able to handle things with a certain degree of rationality but I’m afraid of losing the woman I am and have been madly in love with from the start. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Signed,
Lost and confused

Sometimes you just have to accept that its over

Having been there, done that, and watched many other couples go through the same, I can only say, sort it out right NOW! Otherwise it'll go on for years, and they'll be the most miserable years of your life.

Lawyer up and try to hold on to your assets .. she running around on you ..
Classic signs .. and with 13 ex-wives from experience she acting exactly the way the ones that cheated on me did.
Sorry to be bearer of bad news ..

originally posted by: Expat888
Lawyer up and try to hold on to your assets .. she running around on you ..
Classic signs .. and with 13 ex-wives from experience she acting exactly the way the ones that cheated on me did.
Sorry to be bearer of bad news ..

Indeed, blunt but honest and pretty much in line with the truth there. I've been there, as well, and have three exes to prove it heh.

Sorry OP, but she really does sound like she's been either doing the mess-around, or is at the very least considering it, and trying to cope with the guilty feelings over it. IF she is not, then it sounds like some kind of sudden-onset depression or something along those lines.


If you don't want to confront her about it, it's understandable. It's a scary prospect and one that most people would not want to deal with. But if you find out that she has been stepping out, you will need to decide if she's worth sticking it through with, or if you need to let her do her thing and get things straight in her mind. There's a lot of "shadows" going on in this situation, from what you have described, and each one of those needs to be dealt with or will pop out and bite you in the butt later.

Sorry to hear you are going through all of this. I have been in your shoes a few times now, and it sucks. Bad. If anything, know you're not alone in going through it all.

originally posted by: Expat888
Lawyer up and try to hold on to your assets .. she running around on you ..
Classic signs .. and with 13 ex-wives from experience she acting exactly the way the ones that cheated on me did.
Sorry to be bearer of bad news ..

Thats what I was trying to say, but didn't want to upset op. Its got ALL the signs.

Give her some space and hope for the best. Don't get angry or pathetically beg her to love you. That is a sure way to drive a woman away. I have been in a very similar situation. You may not like to hear this, but it was because she fell in love with someone else and didn't know how to tell me. Maybe she's just depressed. I hope everything works out. These things are hard.

My guess is that she has probably felt this way since the last time you two got separated and SHE decided to give it another try and now she is at the end of her rope. Just my opinion on it. And if you stay in the same house it will just make things harder when the time comes to go your separate ways. I hope that I am wrong though.

The above posters are wrong, wrong, wrong, IMHO (older female here, not someone with 13?? wives...)

She's more introverted than you are, which means she needs more SPACE, if only to be alone and quiet long enough to recharge. With that many people in the household, she's overwhelmed.

Just give her that, including stopping already with the touchy-feely thing all the time. People like that can be gradually more annoying to someone who isn't a cuddler so much. Any touching should be spectacularly, masterfully sexual and brief, leaving her wanting more, and not of the teddy bear kind. Men who are cuddlers often don't understand the difference, and default to the point where the female feels the guy is just another child tugging on her apron strings, in other words just another responsibility rather than joy in a stressful day.

Do some research about what it's like to be an introvert. Living in a large household is almost torture to people like us.

And how the hell would she be able to have an affair, with all this going on, a full time job and a household full of adult and minor children?

Being a woman, I have to agree with the guys above me. Sometimes women do get caught between two men and since it's not the right thing to do they are left with the kind of feelings your wife has expressed. It's hard for a lot of women to be physical with two different men at the same time (not all, but a lot) that would be one reason she doesn't want any physical touching between you two.

Her wanting space in your own home suggests to me that she is testing the waters with someone else but doesn't want to completely lose you or her home until she is sure that she either wants to pursue that relationship or if he is willing to provide her with what you have provided her with. Maybe he is married as well???

If it is not that it could be depression. Ask if she is willing to go to the doctor. But I would ask her who he is before I asked her to see a doc.

Just an honest opinion from a woman.

I'm sorry and hope that I am wrong and things will work out for both of you.

Hoping thats not the case for the op .. but having been through it hate seeing others get put through it .. best to prepare for the worst and hope for the best ..

It's probably better if shes is cheating on you because it will be easier. Get it out of the system and move on. Or get mad and move on. Gives a real reason in the back of your mind to. Unfortunately if she has just changed her feeling or they have been that way for a while, that will be harder. Unless you accept you are not in responsible for her happiness you will probably blame yourself or look for reasons why she acted that way.
If you want to find out real quick what to do, sit down and have a good conversation. Bring up how you want to have an "open" relationship and would like to see if having another partner would help. Watch her closely for body language and such. If she's cheating you just gave her relief and options.

a reply to: Frank_Rizzo

From experience with many different relationships, I've noticed when people care they always put effort into a failing hard relationship but when the change happens from caring to non caring with no indications the usual suspect is the non caring party did something they'd rather not omit. Why? Because they know it'll end the relationship so they figure doing so before it gets really nasty for either your own or their own feelings or something to do with assets is the best idea.

She may also be like me and want you to end it as to not feel guilt. Allow the relationship to sour till it seems like the most logical thing between you two, to break up. Which also indicates more possibility of the above. Never cheated myself although my interest in other women has lead me to do such a thing.

Try something new.
I mean, yeah..sounds like her eyes have drifted a bit. that is a symptom of the problem though, when chicks are unhappy, they tend to try and fill the void elsewhere. If that is a huge issue, then its over, otherwise, you can try to work through it.
And by working through it, that means first off being open and honest with each other (hard as hell to do, after all, lets say she has been doing a fling on the side or something, be easier to herd cats than for her to fess up really, but it can be done). The question is, is she feeling anxiety from feeling trapped and on repeat mode?

I heard of couples who wanted stuff to work out taking up something together..scuba diving for instance, or martial arts..something that is different and shared..breaking the monotony of marriage..hell, even swinging if you have that level of trust. trick is to just try to reinvent the relationship.
Otherwise...well, the whole roommates thing will become awkward at best and wont give either of you the freedom you need if indeed the relationship is over.

Advice though...check out a relationship therapist..and if not, then scuba classes or the like..just something bold and mutually inclusive...hell, salsa dancing even.

originally posted by: signalfire
The above posters are wrong, wrong, wrong, IMHO (older female here, not someone with 13?? wives...)

She's more introverted than you are, which means she needs more SPACE, if only to be alone and quiet long enough to recharge. With that many people in the household, she's overwhelmed.

Just give her that, including stopping already with the touchy-feely thing all the time. People like that can be gradually more annoying to someone who isn't a cuddler so much. Any touching should be spectacularly, masterfully sexual and brief, leaving her wanting more, and not of the teddy bear kind. Men who are cuddlers often don't understand the difference, and default to the point where the female feels the guy is just another child tugging on her apron strings, in other words just another responsibility rather than joy in a stressful day.

Do some research about what it's like to be an introvert. Living in a large household is almost torture to people like us.

And how the hell would she be able to have an affair, with all this going on, a full time job and a household full of adult and minor children?

She needs space by not being with him in a relationship but in the same house? # that.

I think a lot of us are on the same page here..she probably cheated...and again, cheating is a symptom of a problem..not sure if drinking heavily or taking pills is any better...all meant as a temporary getaway.

So, you gotta really ask yourself, can you get over it and work on things, or is it a big deal for you and you must move on...your an adult, don't let society or anything else tell you what your supposed to do or feel...its your dynamics. If you leave, nobody would blame, if you work it out, everyone would pat you on the back and commend your strength, etc..so you win either way...but winning a battle means nothing if you lose what you desire..so, gotta decide, then plan.

And in the end, do what feels right to you..ignore everyones advice here, or use some, etc...but in 5 years, where do you want to see yourself in regards to this relationship..is this a bump in the road, or an exit ramp.

a reply to: Antipathy17

Also telling a partner that you are interested in other people but not interested in perusing them gets mixed results... maybe she feels that way...



Honestly bud, I hope none of the above is the case but what you need to do is... when you two are sharing a happy moment ask for a moment of truth and honesty with her regarding the separation. Doing so will likely lead to more positive results. If you do it in a neutral or positive mood you may get less results imho.

a reply to: SaturnFX

I agree. Marriage is not one size fits all and fixing it isn't either. What one person can live with another can not. So nobody can tell you what you can live with and what you can't. We can all only tell the OP what we can and can not live with. But we aren't him.

If she is having an affair, it may be something he can easily overlook on favor of keeping her.

I'm sorry to be reading this and I hate to be responding in this fashion. Hide anything of value with a close relative, also if it comes down to it be ready to rack up some serious debt, it'll be the icing on the cake.

originally posted by: Kangaruex4Ewe
a reply to: SaturnFX

I agree. Marriage is not one size fits all and fixing it isn't either. What one person can live with another can not. So nobody can tell you what you can live with and what you can't. We can all only tell the OP what we can and can not live with. But we aren't him.

If she is having an affair, it may be something he can easily overlook on favor of keeping her.

I think it depends on the nature of the affair.
I can for instance get over someone going out and getting some from a stranger..then its just a desire to feel wanted...its more complicated when its this like semi love thing that's been established, because then its not just a feeling of being wanted, it is like...cheating in the heart and erm..yeah, more complicated then by far.
Hell, most guys could probably understand wanting to get some physical strange now and then with a random hotty..that's biology..and its something that people should really come to terms with in a relationship and manage verses ignore until someone cracks.

a reply to: SaturnFX

Agreed.


Frank it would be nice to hear what you have to say about the above that is probably eating at you a bit. More information is always handy.