How to Rear Children for a Life in Prison: cold, harsh, detached, rigid, insensitive, distant, abusi

a reply to: calstorm

The resentment and bitterness can eat one's heart and soul out and leave a smoldering charred shell.

They also correlate with very painful arthritis and some cancers.

Forgiveness is FOR THE ONE NEEDING TO FORGIVE.

It does NOT mean the guilty is off the hook.

Forgiveness resigns the forgiver from being detective, police, prosecuting attorney, jury, judge and executioner. God is big enough to manage all those roles. And HIS DISCIPLINES are far more thorough and lasting.

When we fail to forgive, we also sentence ourselves to become more like the person we have not forgiven in precisely the ways we most hate them.

UNforgiveness is NOT a healthy option.

It IS one reliable way to mess up one's own life.

Forgiving abusive parents can be hard work. One needs to confess it every time a negative thought about the parent arises.

I said things like:

No, I forgive mom. I release her from any desire for vengeance or punishment. I want her to learn and become the best she can be. After her death--I want her to enjoy God's best. I repent for my unforgiveness and release her totally from my negative thinking and ill-will about anything and everything.

I'd confess such things as often as it took until the "high octane ping" went away.

I also asked God to make it real internally in my heart, spirit and soul. Over the years, He has done His part.

The FREEDOM, release, increased health etc. that comes from FORGIVENESS IS PRICELESS.

originally posted by: BO XIAN

originally posted by: BDBinc
a reply to: BO XIAN

We are seeing Increases in ( spectrum of emotional, behavioural and communication difficulties) most of these are given a label "autism" if the very same child is older when seen by a shrink they are given a mental illness disorder label.
I have seen two rigid "nerdy" parents have child with their same traits from birth and have them diagnosed as "autistic".

It has just become a trendy label for humanities dysfunction in the areas of emotion, behaviour and communication.

Autism is a real phenomenon with even brain level MRI sorts of detectable differences. However, to shove everyone and their dog into the label unfittingly is nonsense.

And to treat someone with a label as

an "it,"

. . . inhuman, imho.

Yes it madness to separate humanity by using labels.
The label "autism" is not diagnosed by by using an MRI. There is no scientific test for "austism" its just a label based on a personal opinion. Every brain is different much like snowflakes.
And PDD pervasive development disorder, EBD emotional behaviour disorder, SED serious emotional disturbance all have much the same symtoms as autism. Children with the label "autism" have (and display) remarkably different 'symtoms' .
It was found when they did a global look at so called 'autism' in 2008 that many children were being misdiagnosed and labeled by gp's as "austistic" . The term 'autistic' was being used by more and more people, as though the word was a solution or diagnosis to explain the growing emotional, behavioural and communication problems in the world.

How to raise a happy child?
Know yourself as you are .
BE happy, be content, be present, love will flow.

a reply to: BDBinc

Good points. I certainly agree that the autism label has been far toooo excessively applied.

And, I think there are varieties of behavioral differences lumped into the one label . . . which may not fit.

a reply to: BO XIAN

Learn something everyday, must be a problem over there if using everyone! Just Joking.

Yet, What Are the Questions? Parents and Children have issues to deal with from time to time. Some placed ideas in a parents head, their childhood and experences. As for any child, their just learning how far they can go, do, explore and working on creating an Ego. lol

Next it would seem that a conflict between Parents; ideas, thoughts about raising and different times while one parent is gone. Then their is the Special Child, either lacking or way above the middle ground. That places added stress involved. Death of mom, dad, brother, sister also causes issues. Just wondering if said questions do consider every aspect or stay towards somewhere in the middle.

Nowadays, most children just play video games and never really leave the house. Since the start of computers, and video games entered the home, there is a Lack of Social Communication. Plus even the school system has its Classes; Sports being one of them. Here where I live, Sports is the Top Dog! Don't play, then more then likely that child is being treated poorly, cast down so to speak.

Most of the problems children are having today is being at School. Explains why over 60% either stay at home afterwards or roam the streets. Having to say that children having issues later in life started at Home First is 80% untrue. From 0-5 a child is at home, less if both parents are working so Day Care is an added issue in itself. After that, 17+ yrs are in the School System, 5 days a week, 8 hrs a day/more if in sports!

Had to ask if the questions included this factor. Most of the time it is left out of the topic, Taboo, left alone. Yet I feel it is where any Child does Learn most of the issues they have in Life.

Attachment Disorder is just another name for being unable to cope with issues that come up in ones Life. Could go blaming the Parents, and even the school if one likes. Although I feel we have a much Larger problem under all the name calling.

Social Contact! It gets worst every day, spread out so wide we Lost the meaning/ideas long ago. Notice how words change throughout Gen's? Take Love, so many levels to it, classes of Love it's nuts! Evil, we add things to this every year. Use to be when one got to the door before everyone, you held it open! Now some consider it rude. Social contact is done on computers, so what is being said could be a lie, trick or that person is just a Troll.

A persons Word no longer holds any meaning, Credit Score decides your worth. There is very little contact except at school, followed by work and some friends. We have classes of people, rich/poor, smart/stupid, their is so much Grouping going on, Race should Not even Exist!

Since the Main Stream Ideas of calling Issues Names, listing them as problems so one can come up with New Pills every year. The Only thing that actually matters is for any Parent out there is to help your Child to Know Themselves, their Feeling, Dreams and to learn to question them from time to time. It's Okay if a child has a crazy dream, cry's, invisable friend, talks to themselves even.

One of the best things for a Parent to do is Allow the child to Deal with issues they are having. Instead of doing it for them, help them to understand their Feelings for themselves. If a Parent uses their ideas, feelings and not offer many other ideas. It leads to the Child's Mind placing the issue into a box with ideas/facts never Question before deeming them Fact.

So most of us Adults run off of a Box our Mind uses to cope with. Once one Thinks it Understands something, Poof! Mind considers it done with and forgotten. If one does not check said Box from time to time, you run on Auto. So problem today is related to something from said past, so one ends up having the same problem later again. Dig around in said Box, question some of the crap and see what needs to be replaced, trashed, or is outdated!

Problems only come up when ones mind RELATES to something from ones mind that happened Before! Teaching children this and adults too would do some good. Take today, make a test for yourself. Once you notice a Problem, Stop. Instead of allowing your mind to wander, Ask yourself Why? Problems never happen, something from ones past Sees It as a problem before so calls it one again. Just changing it to a Task. Take care of it Now.

Problems are only issues from the past One has yet to finish. Sorry, rereading this and got way off track! Thought I better just end it here...................

Peace

a reply to: infoseeker26754

Thanks for your many excellent points, yet again.

Not sure what questions you are asking about here:

Yet, What Are the Questions? Parents and Children have issues to deal with from time to time. Some placed ideas in a parents head, their childhood and experences. As for any child, their just learning how far they can go, do, explore and working on creating an Ego. lol

I see parents' duty as to protect and nurture the first years . . . and slowly to help the exploring rapidly learning child to grow, expand, learn, become all that particular child can in that child's specifically gifted/DNA designed best ways.

Certainly that includes encouraging the child's explorations and risk taking with some safe boundaries provided by the parent fitting to the child's age and abilities.

That includes helping the child explore, chose, become what that child is best fitted to and most desires to become.

Certainly problem focused 'scripts' get engrained in our brains and habits. Stopping for reflection can be a help. Getting outside perspectives can be a help. Getting professional help, can be important.

. . . just called to lunch . . . best leave.

a reply to: BO XIAN

PARENTING STYLES OF EACH OF THE 4 ATTACHMENT TYPES:

[Paraphrased plus my own spring-boarding off of Chapter 11 of ATTACHMENTS by Sibcy & Clinton ref'd above]

SECURE [HEALTHY] ATTACHMENT STYLES:

PARENTING tends to be:

--Sensitive to child's needs
--Quickly responsive to child's needs

--Doesn't AUTOMATICALLY, if at all, see child's expressions of discomfort as manipulation

--As children grow, parents set limits on what sort of expressions of discomfort are fitting--with respect to intensity, type, context issues etc.

--Parents coach their children in how to handle emotions and how to express emotions effectively, constructively and within healthy boundaries.

--Parents are not threatened by their children's individuation, autonomy, stretching their wings, trying out new behaviors and identities. Parents actually encourage such and provide freedom and support for appropriate risks within fitting limits.

--Parents remain emotionally accessible; keenly interested; demonstrably understanding; healthily affectionate [as fits each child's inclinations]; with ready support for troublesome situations and incidents.

= = =

PARENTS WITH AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLES:

--May not be sensitive much at all and certainly not up to the sensitivity of SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLES PARENTING.

--May be angry, annoyed, frustrated, bothered, resentful of child's expressed need for comfort or help to get their needs met.

--Like my mother--may let the baby cry in the crib for hours on end--forcing independence beyond the child's capacity to make constructive sense of it.

--May hold the baby only when feeding, diapering or for 5-10 minutes of 'cuddling'--more as a duty, a chore, a bother than as a time of shared affection, joy and loving. I observed too much of that with my adopted sister--brought home at 10 days old.

--Likely to be !!!CONTROL!!! freaks . . . with regard to emotional expression; even petty children's decisions such as choice of clothes to wear, toys to play with etc.

--May actually reject outright their child's pleas for comfort.

--No coaching of the children's emotions or emotional expressions--and certainly not in a healthy modeling, constructively teaching sort of way.

--Such parents find emotions threatening and so work to repress, squash, mangle, rationalize away . . . anything but expressed and certainly not expressed constructively, productively.

--Such children of AVOIDANT PARENTING find early on that they must find their own comfort; their own distractions; their own entertainment . . . and to avoid counting on being any meaningful intimate part of their parents' life and world much at all.

--Such parents avoid providing a SECURE BASE from which the child can feel secure and bold about exploring and growing into a confident adult making useful sense out of the world and other relationships.

= = =

PARENTING WITH AMBIVALENT ATTACHMENT STYLES:

--VERY INCONSISTENT--attending to their children one minute and totally ignoring and rejecting them the next.

--Tend to train their children that if the child is to get any significant attention from the parent, the child will have to be GREATLY DISTRESSED AND/OR OUTRAGEOUSLY DRAMATIC in their pleas for comfort, for help.

--The opposite of avoidant parents, ambivalent parents tend to try to cage, box-in, stifle, prevent, !!!CONTROL!!! their children's emotional expressions more or less entirely. They also work hard to PREVENT AUTONOMY and independence on the part of their children--seeing it as threatening or an intolerable loss to the parent somehow. The parent, in an upside-down sort of parenting phenomenon--tends to feel abandoned when the child expresses some independence or autonomy.

--Such parents train their children to compliantly play the roles of learned helplessness and slavish dependence on the parent--for virtually everything. What cereal to eat; what shirt and socks to wear; almost how to breathe.

--If the child succeeds at a shred of autonomy and independence, the parent may retaliate with great drama and vengeance--very rejecting and harshly.

= = =

PARENTING WITH DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT STYLES:

--Give the parents huge degrees of un-worked through loss and trauma in their own childhood--they tend to try and !!!CONTROL!!!, even reject their children's EMOTIONAL EXPRESSIONS AND NEEDS.

--They tend to be chaotic and paranoid, fearful when their children express any autonomy or independence.

--Such traumas within the parent in the situation with their child may trigger the parent VERBALLY AND EMOTIONALLY !!!EXPLODING!!! all over the child as though the child has committed the unpardonable sin for wanting to choose their own shirt for the day. Of course, this can terrify the child and leave the child feeling enormously insecure, feeling very helpless and trapped in a no-win situation.

--Commonly such mothers are in abusive relationships which expose their children to seeing beloved mummy threatened, beaten, abused in a frightful variety of ways. This again, of course, leaves the child feeling unsafe, insecure, terrorized and too often blaming themselves for mother being abused--thinking irrationally that if the child was more perfect, somehow mummy would not be beaten yet again.

--Such parents may also carry on the tradition and pass the abuse on down to their children in such situations.

= = =

Perhaps you can identify with one or more of the above patterns. Sometimes parents will demonstrate more than one such set of patterns--some of this style and some of that style. However, as a rule, the above collection of patterns go with their respective ATTACHMENT STYLES.

I'd be very interested in any comments or memories regarding such experiences . . . and/or any questions related thereto.

.

a reply to: BO XIAN

My Bad! Does one know what questions are used to gain this info? Are the questions the same per parent as they are for the child? Could said questions be already placed inside a grouping using A-D, being D means None of the Above.

Work Indeed! Fast Long Week, caught up though yet found extra crap needing attention! I for one can not Be at work when theirs Nothing to do! I for one can say, There is Always something to be found to do, if one looks. Flaw from childhood, HA!

One things for sure, if parents would just learn to Work the house while the childs first 3 yrs growing up! Found most do not have their child potty trained until almost 3! Once their able to crawl, please put stuff up so your not telling them No all the time. Add stuff other then toys??? so as the child could start to actually learn what is what. ABC's should be started by at least 6 m's using cards. From 1 to 3 years of age is when the Brain is on Full, uses both left/right sides, and already learning their enviorment, people, sense of emotion's from others.

Instead of just toys, try something different. First thing a child does is putting it in their mouths! I have no idea why, some sort of safety thing maybe? Baby food, okay till 1 then start allowing the child to try everything one has in the house! How this works, I do not know yet by 2 all eat every Veggies offered. Yet sometimes one might not like something, so instead of pushing allow them to have Likes/dislikes.

I never had the Horrors of 2, many of my friends would ask what did I do. Other then allow the child to learn, explore, close off where said child could hurt themselves, and never allow them to jump on furnature! Always seems to end up smacking their heads! Time out is one of the things used stupidly. For one, It's a Child and does not know their is a fine line to anything. The idea of a hot stove, you can tell them many times yet since the idea does not exist, show them. Explain! While it is hot, place their hand close yet not touching and go shacking your hand. Since feeling the heat will be good by itself, most never bother to try touching it.

Some different ideas to pass along, and share. The first 3 years is the most important in a childs life. Hearing No for 2 of them years places short comings later when 4-7 years of age. If I remember, it is 1-3, followed by 4-7, 8-12 and 13 to 17 years of development in a child's becoming an adult. Each has their own class in learning and how it starts to build either an ego or an actual self.

Even with special children, do treat them as a child yet include their needs. Never place them into some group, it only places limit's learned early. As for the smart one's, better be ready for the testing yourself! Both will have you going crazy unless as a parent you start when their young so you both Learn Together. Smart children just need something to do while special children need help doing it.

Although when asking for help, do ask the ones who actually have children of their own! Plus it helps to take notice if their children are fine vs. ones who drop while Shopping tossing a Pow Wow! If you have one of these children, do walk away to the next lane! Once they Look Up and don't see you there, most of the time it never happens again!

Peace

a reply to: infoseeker26754

You made many excellent points.

Some quick responses . . . belt on the swamp cooler wore out . . . need to fix.

1. Sorry. I'm still not tracking you about the questions. In terms of the STYLE OF ATTACHMENT DISORDER . . . it is behaviors that result in the different types of ATTACHMENT DISORDER. If you can quote the questions you are talking about, I'll try a better response.

2. I agree that a house with toddlers needs kid 'proofed' realizing nothing is ever totally 'kid proof.'

3. I agree that relentless, constant "No!" is destructive. I do believe that even very young children MUST learn the meaning of "No." and early. It does not have to be harsh, usually. Some stubborn kids may need it to be sterner. LOL.

4. I agree about a learning rich environment and about learning with the child certainly at the child's level and interests.

5. I agree about supportive learning with and enriching an exceptionally gifted child's learning experiences.

6. I agree about being supportive to a child with special needs.

7. I agree about learning from parents who do parenting well.

Thx much for your kind and meaty reply.

a reply to: BDBinc

I for one, dislike that word! Schools use it the most since it is easier to say somethings wrong with said child.................................Seems 90% anyways are listed having either A, B, all the way to Z!

One would think by now that said Schooling System is in need of Changing it's program. Kids are smarter now, while their brain is in need of info, yet sitting in a classroom not getting it. What would You Do? Most children doing something else while in class actually know what the Teacher is saying anyway!

Changing the public school system into something different, updated and actually has something interesting to do would solve most of the problem. Like sports, at least 75% of children could care less yet it is a required class! One could offer say, Dance, skateboarding, bikeriding, horse riding. It has been said at least 1/2 of said children playing sports end up with injurys!

Teach them other things, 8 hrs a day of crap mostly. All one needs is math, english, some history although most of it is not How it is! Social Studies, except my ver and theirs is way off the charts. Now woodworking, medal class, even auto and computers offer something different. Yet by the time their 18, most do not know how to balance a check book, understanding what a Loan is, cooking, pretty much what one needs to know if leaving their Home. Some can not even use a washing machine!

Yet the System continues to play it off using the Children or Parents that are the problem. Now days as young adults entering the work field, most haven't any clue. Waiting to be Told what to do and do nothing until told to do something. I teach them, show them This Is your Job, no need to bother asking unless one notices something odd or different. Plus not sure How to do it, stop and ask first! Many kids today somehow have this I Know Everything Idea yet haven't a clue.

Most of the time both parents are working, so the child is left with the School System thinking their Teaching them. Starting to wonder if by chance it's some side plan we don't know. Rush off to collage, get a loan, "Look'ie Here" Free Credit! 30 yrs sounds good, yet odds are one either loses it or ends up paying interest till they die!

I for one say, Nothings Wrong with Our Children! Never has been, unless your buying into it.

Peace