The last .. ( JUNE 2014 )

flashes of light .. explosions .. waking in a cold sweat screaming .. alert .. looking around for the enemy .. then realising the war ended long ago .. still shaken get up make way to the kitchen grab a beer from the refrigerator .. pack of cigarettes and battered zippo lighter fire up a cigarette stepping outside to get some air ..

sitting out on a large flat rock looking up at the night sky and at the surrounding jungle they come once again to visit looking as they had all those years ago standing watching silently .. opening the beer taking a long drink then light up another cigarette with the battered zippo .. looking at them standing there silently as always .. raising the beer in silent salute .. welcome brothers ..your gone ..but not forgotten ..



Hadnt intended to write this .. its taken alot just to write this little bit ..

a reply to: Expat888

But from one Soldier to another.

Tell me that you haven't heard them ask, "Why did you leave me?"

While I have always managed to bring my guys home intact, I am still faced with that dream, as I have seen my share of death. They say that God smiles upon drunks and idiots, and I would agree that my TPT's were idiots, though fun-loving types, and somehow managed to get through everything alive. It's the others that we helped support that haunt me.

Is there a solution/cure? Frankly, I'm sick of it and wish it would go away.

They always ask .. as to a solution / cure its one of many things keeps me up at night trying to figure out .. its what drove me to study medicine and follow the path I did .. an effort to atone for what once was .. and why chose to largely walk away from society and live out here most of the year ...

a reply to: Expat888

Now you sound like my dad. (A Air America plank owner), but it isn't bad advice. I do what I can in my community and it does help a bit.

For the most part, I sleep well...but every now and then, well, I'm sure you know. And it is those times that will destroy days for me. Not survivors guilt or anything, but just feeling bad that their lives were tossed away for nothing.

I sit here having served 31 years honorably and it all feels like it was for nothing in the long run. I worry about the families I have met and helped through my travels. Crap! I can see now that it will be one of those nights again.

Sorry man, I had to vent.

Its allright .. quite understand and apologise debated with myself a long time before posting .. didnt intend to have it drag things back for others .. thought maybe giving a glimpse to those who havent been there would show them a small part of the price still being paid by many .. its gonna be another of those nights here it was last night ..

Venting welcomed and accepted .. all we can hope is maybe the young learn from our mistakes and try not to make them ..

a reply to: Expat888

No apologies needed.

Maybe we can help wake up others, especially future politicians, with our experiences. Sometimes, the story needs to be told. That's what I tell myself anyways.

As for the ghosts/memories...I hope that they leave you alone. Their plight is not your fault.