Too funny not to pass on!!!!

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posted on Jun, 6 2014 @ 06:33 AM
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TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you #ting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Copied from FB....I thank my sister for such a good laugh!!




posted on Jun, 6 2014 @ 06:38 AM
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.


Hey he/she did swear to say the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.



ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.


Sometimes i'm worried too if the date changes depending on the year
, how does a person born on February 29
edit on 6-6-2014 by Indigent because: (no reason given)
edit on 6-6-2014 by Indigent because: (no reason given)



posted on Jun, 6 2014 @ 06:43 AM
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a reply to: Indigent

hahaha they are too funny! My favourite:

"ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight."

LOL!!



posted on Jun, 6 2014 @ 07:01 AM
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a reply to: Agartha

Those were OUTRAGEOUS Questions-n-Answers !!!

HOWEVER

Was the "ATTORNEY" referenced:

1. Obama
2. Reid
3. Combination of 1 and 2
4. Neither.

NOTE: If "Neither" is choosen, Fill-In-the-Blank:

_________________________________________________

.



posted on Jun, 6 2014 @ 07:04 AM
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a reply to: Agartha

The dead/alive stuff is very abstract and hard to grasp



A prominent Venezuelan politician once said during a presidential campaign, if they kill me and i die... who knows maybe you could get killed and not die



posted on Jun, 6 2014 @ 07:07 AM
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a reply to: Agartha

Sweet....

This is pure gold!

Thanks and good morning.

*sips coffee, "and Im off to laugh at the world."

EDIT TO ADD:
ooh I got one.

-Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"

-Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

edit on 6 6 2014 by tadaman because: (no reason given)



posted on Jun, 6 2014 @ 07:11 AM
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a reply to: Agartha

Ye know... these might be amusing but its slightly depressing....

Are people really this stupid?

No wonder the laws in so many countries are screwed up...




posted on Jun, 6 2014 @ 07:23 AM
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had me laughing. good post.

how many of the people you autopsy are dead? hrmm



posted on Jun, 6 2014 @ 07:25 AM
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Oh my God my cheeks are wet from tears and I have a stitch in my side from laughing. That was priceless. a reply to: Agartha



posted on Jun, 6 2014 @ 07:29 AM
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^^ Same here Autumnwitch!

I'm glad you guys are enjoying it and your replies are making me laugh even more!!!



posted on Jun, 6 2014 @ 07:41 AM
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originally posted by: FarleyWayne
a reply to: Agartha

Those were OUTRAGEOUS Questions-n-Answers !!!

HOWEVER

Was the "ATTORNEY" referenced:

1. Obama
2. Reid
3. Combination of 1 and 2
4. Neither.

NOTE: If "Neither" is choosen, Fill-In-the-Blank:

_________________________________________________

.
some people just shouldn't try being funny.



posted on Jun, 6 2014 @ 07:44 AM
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I went to the living room and read the whole thing to my husband and could hardly get through it a second time.
The baby was conceived on Aug 8th?
Yes.
What were you doing at the time. ?
Lucky for Me I had already finished my coffee.
r reply to: Agartha



posted on Jun, 6 2014 @ 07:45 AM
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What was the name of the school?
Oral.



posted on Jun, 6 2014 @ 09:59 AM
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originally posted by: Akragon
a reply to: Agartha

Ye know... these might be amusing but its slightly depressing....

Are people really this stupid?

No wonder the laws in so many countries are screwed up...



Sadly YES! they are...I once met someone that actually beleived that Canada was SOUTH of the US! I kidd you not!

And another one that thought that it was really windy because the MOON moved accros the sky so fast!



posted on Jun, 6 2014 @ 10:03 AM
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originally posted by: AutumnWitch657
I went to the living room and read the whole thing to my husband and could hardly get through it a second time.
The baby was conceived on Aug 8th?
Yes.
What were you doing at the time. ?
Lucky for Me I had already finished my coffee.
r reply to: Agartha



hahahaha I know the feeling!!!



posted on Jun, 6 2014 @ 11:15 AM
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Hooboy...I'm in tears.



posted on Jun, 7 2014 @ 12:44 AM
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I'll probably mess it up but I remember one that was like:

Lawyer: Where did you go from there?
Witness: I went down the stairs.
Lawyer: And did these stairs go up as well?



posted on Jun, 7 2014 @ 04:06 AM
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a reply to: Agartha I wonder how many of these lawyers went into political office?



posted on Jun, 7 2014 @ 04:10 AM
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originally posted by: Akragon
a reply to: Agartha

Ye know... these might be amusing but its slightly depressing....

Are people really this stupid?

No wonder the laws in so many countries are screwed up...



They sure are, yes. If you want more stupidity and such, this time from customers, take a look at Not Always Right.
The behavior and idiocy of some people is simply mind-boggling.



posted on Jun, 7 2014 @ 05:12 PM
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edit on 7-6-2014 by Bundy because: (no reason given)





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