Attachment Disorder: Successes at Overcoming; Ideas Sharing; Things That Have Worked and Not Worked

My hope for this thread is to share in mutually respectful dialogue successes at overcoming ATTACHMENT DISORDER or Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) in their individual lives and psychology and in their primary relationships with their closest loved ones . . .

I'd like for those up to the task to share their ideas--both applied and just conjectured--toward overcoming RAD.

And, for the, perhaps more brave souls . . . sharing what has worked and maybe not worked so well in their efforts to overcome RAD.

I'll place my initial comments on such below the links.

My earlier thread on the topic of ATTACHMENT DISORDER is here:


BO X ATS ATTACHMENT DISORDER THREAD LINK:

www.abovetopsecret.com...


Some additional links of good info are here:

ATTACHMENT DISORDER IN ADULTS:

www.buzzle.com...


BEHAVIOR MANAGEMENT TRAINING FOR THE TREATMENT OF REACTIVE ATTACHMENT DISORDER:

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov...

BEST AUTHOR ON TOPIC:

BONDING AND ATTACHMENT IN MALTREATED CHILDREN: HOW CAN YOU HELP: DR BRUCE PERRY

teacher.scholastic.com...

DR BRUCE PERRY’S CHILD TRAUMA ACADEMY:

childtrauma.org...

IMPACT OF ABUSE AND NEGLECT ON THE DEVELOPING BRAIN:

www.attachmentdisorder.net...

ATTACHMENT: THE FIRST CORE STRENGTH:

teacher.scholastic.com...


BONDING AND ATTACHMENT IN MALTREATED CHILDREN: BRUCE PERRY

childrenneedfamilies.blogspot.com...

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I think that in my own life . . . the following have brought the best and most fruit in my efforts to overcome my own serious degree of ATTACHMENT DISORDER:

1. Dogged persistence. My abiding belief that RELATIONSHIPS ARE worth the effort . . . regardless of how many on the other side seem to feel that way, or not. And, that, therefore, persisting is just a given--a way of living, for me.

2. Humility. Pride and selfishness just perpetuate RAD AND THE PAINS of RAD. Surrendering as much of the pride and selfishness as possible is just a very productive, enriching and rewarding way to live. Living otherwise is like walking around with a goat-head sticker or bit of sharp gravel in one's shoe and one's breathing all clogged up. Certainly RAD sets one up to wallow in, exalt in and spew pride and selfishness out of insecurity and a sense of low self-worth. However, that's just a dead-end. A very deadening affect on relationships sort of dead end.

2.1 And, there's NOTHING QUITE SO AUTHENTICITY demonstrating as genuine humility acted out daily in the nitty gritty of daily life relationships.

3. Empathy and compassion are vital. Certainly, at some point, one needs to also have compassion on one's self. Nevertheless, in terms of overcoming RAD's sad effects on relationships, EMPATHY AND COMPASSION for those you most love--who one is closest to--helps kick overcoming RAD up several notches.

4. Patience is priceless and essential--with one's self and certainly with others. And, sometimes, one just needs to lay a situation aside for some hours or days . . . and come back to it with a different perspective and calmer emotions.

5. FORGIVENESS is absolutely essential. We all need forgiveness . . . rather regularly. Extending it freely and lavishly to others is a great way of increasing forgiveness in return. Certainly it's crucial in overcoming RAD.

I hope later in the thread to offer some specific examples of the above.

Whilst I can say I grew up with all the love and attention needed my sensei had a weak alcoholic mother and a very abusive father including sexual predation,he poured all his heart and soul into the martial arts to burn up his anger and hate and fifteen years later he is a fourth dan black belt with his own family he is a good dad and his students an extended family so I would say immersing yourself into a hobby or interest would be a good therapy especially if it eventually leads to leadership and responsibility.

a reply to: khnum

It sounds like he has focused on doing more or less the opposite of what he experienced in his own childhood home.

IF one can come to a place of forgiveness and let go of the past and the abusers . . . THEN, I think it is a very functional and successful strategy to do the opposite of what one experienced in the childhood home.

Otherwise, one can go through the motions of doing the opposite . . . but there will be an edge, a bitterness, a vengeance toward folks who remind one of the abusers . . . and that will sabotage a lot of growth and progress.

I'm very blessed to read of your Sensei's successes at being a quality father, husband. CONGRATS.

I feel truth in your post and I appreciate it deeply. I'll spare you my back story for the time being. I have suffered. I have learned. I may chirp back in when I am in a more clear state of mind. I'll avoid elaborating at present to avoid the possibility of coming off as a jackass. Peace.

a reply to: skunkape23

I look forward to whatever contribution you find fitting.

Congrats on learning. I've met a lot of 70+ year olds who don't seem to have learned much more than they know about crucial priorities at age 12.

Attachment disorder? Gee, I'm glad I don't remember my circumcision. Oh, maybe that is a detachment disorder.

I find it hard to truly comprehend this because I have never felt it personally. But I am sure it does effect anyone if we experience the cause. It becomes part of who we are, something we may be able to reverse if we are made aware of it. Living all your life thinking a certain way can make it hard to comprehend a different way. We believe in what we know and understand to be real.

Everyone's feeling of normal is not the same.

a reply to: rickymouse

LOLOLOL . . . detachment disorder due to circumcision. LOLOLOL.

Cute.

I haven't met many folks with near zero ATTACHMENT DISORDER.

There just aren't that many fathers of the last 50-100+ years who

1. Knew how crucial quality affection, bonding, emotional connectedness, loving affirmation etc. was for them to extend it to their kids--particularly the first 6-8 years of life.

2. Managed to make the time and take the energy to extend such to their kids.

Maybe I'll post the symptoms after a while.

A lot of folks manage in life reasonably well in terms of successes and maintaining a viable marriage etc. And, their degree of such a problem may be slight to readily manageable.

For others, their degree of feeling

--unloved
--worthless
--unknown--not truly intimately known and cherished as they are
--incompetent
--inadequate
--imperfect--and therefore worthless--usually as a result of a parent being a perfectionist--or at least never satisfied with them (99%? Why didn't you get 100%? TRY HARDER!).

etc.

a reply to: BO XIAN

I went fishing and hunting with my father a lot. He taught me how to work on a farm. What he taught me was to be reliant on myself more than others. He taught me how to work to achieve what I needed and to keep my wants in check. He taught me not to believe half of what I hear and three quarters of what I see. I didn't realize till recently that he was talking about the consensus of the time steering beliefs. He died when I was seventeen and school was trying to condition me to believe in society so I had a little problem with comprehending what he was saying at the time. I believed that evidence was king, not understanding that the interpretation of evidence is what is the problem most times.

So I have scars from believing in society now, not from what my father taught me. My mother was all about following the fads that society created, she was a little off. This is why I am here, to investigate what is real and what isn't. What society and the interpreters of evidence say is real is often far from real. It is tied to perception and consensus of the time. Truth is actually a little more boring. Like watching reality TV compared to watching a documentary about the mating tactics of a seagul. The program which touts itself as reality is far from reality and the documentary is not very interesting to most people. Society does not promote truth, it promotes a desired perception of a chopped up slurry of beliefs and desires seasoned with a little truth to make it acceptable.

The condition you are talking about can be overcome just by realizing that you need to change. Knowing that you are perceiving something wrong is over half way there. Forgiving your parents for creating this mess is essential, they may just have been trying to toughening you so you can survive in society but did not know how to do it properly. Now, I would examine the principles of society to see if they are real also, half of our beliefs are nothing but the result of society trying to condition us to believe in it so the society can survive. The other half is to keep us civil, that part is necessary.

I understand society, that does not mean I have to believe everything it says is real. I am sure other countries see Americans as nuts because of stuff that we see as reality in our society. Who is right and who is wrong. I guess it depends on the perception of the societies involved.

Is a person with this condition inferior, by no means is that true. They just need to learn how to fit better into society. We do not have to fit perfect, this society is full of people that think different...it makes it interesting. We do have to respect the rights of others though, but understand that their rights are no more than we have. We do not have to bow down to anyone because of their social standing yet we must cooperate with our legal system and not make too many waves. A person has to fix their behavior so it matches the society, whether it is right or wrong. Now, this doesn't mean that you have to repeat the deceptions that you were taught. We use small talk in conversations with others to avoid this,

THX THX THX for your very excellent points, as usual. Comments interspersed below.

originally posted by: rickymouse
a reply to: BO XIAN

I went fishing and hunting with my father a lot. He taught me how to work on a farm. What he taught me was to be reliant on myself more than others. He taught me how to work to achieve what I needed and to keep my wants in check. He taught me not to believe half of what I hear and three quarters of what I see.

What a wonderful father you had!!! YEA! Congrats.

Working, hunting, fishing along side him also taught you that YOU WERE WORTH A LOT TO HIM . . . and that is a priceless leg-up on life. That was probably the most important thing he taught you in such matters.

I didn't realize till recently that he was talking about the consensus of the time steering beliefs. He died when I was seventeen and school was trying to condition me to believe in society so I had a little problem with comprehending what he was saying at the time. I believed that evidence was king, not understanding that the interpretation of evidence is what is the problem most times.

INDEED. INTERPRETATION OF EVIDENCE IS AN EXTREMELY CRITICAL issue.

Congrats for such powerful and mature insights from your dad on such scores.

So I have scars from believing in society now, not from what my father taught me. My mother was all about following the fads that society created, she was a little off. This is why I am here, to investigate what is real and what isn't. What society and the interpreters of evidence say is real is often far from real. It is tied to perception and consensus of the time. Truth is actually a little more boring. Like watching reality TV compared to watching a documentary about the mating tactics of a seagul. The program which touts itself as reality is far from reality and the documentary is not very interesting to most people. Society does not promote truth, it promotes a desired perception of a chopped up slurry of beliefs and desires seasoned with a little truth to make it acceptable.

Certainly society rarely promotes truth.

And the globalists are all about pretending, declaring and coercing, propagandizing, brainwashing that black is white; good is evil; evil is good; etc. etc. etc. toward a long predicted tyrannical global government and evil one world religion. The truth of that has been growingly obvious the last 60+ years for those who are well informed.

However, I have found that given that God is Truth . . . and He declares accurately that those who persistently earnestly seek HIM SHALL FIND HIM . . . I have found that TRUTH is more available than many suppose.

The condition you are talking about can be overcome just by realizing that you need to change.

CERTAINLY THAT IS A MAJOR PART OF THE BATTLE. However, serious ATTACHMENT DISORDER DOES CAUSE PHYSIOLOGICAL BRAIN DAMAGE in terms of diminished functioning of the brain centers managing RELATIONSHIPS AND MANAGING EMOTIONS. That can take some real long and hard work at overcoming.

Knowing that you are perceiving something wrong is over half way there.

CERTAINLY THAT IS A HUGE CHUNK of the distance, alright. Insight can be a life-saving and priceless thing.

Forgiving your parents for creating this mess is essential, they may just have been trying to toughening you so you can survive in society but did not know how to do it properly.

ABSOLUTELY. FORGIVENESS IS DEFINITELY NECESSARY AND PRICELESS--ESSENTIAL TO THE MAX.

Now, I would examine the principles of society to see if they are real also, half of our beliefs are nothing but the result of society trying to condition us to believe in it so the society can survive. The other half is to keep us civil, that part is necessary.

In our era . . . a whole long list of falsehoods are propagandized as TRUTH in order to maximize !!!CONTROL!!! and particularly the growing control of the tyrannical and literally satanic globalists.

I understand society, that does not mean I have to believe everything it says is real. I am sure other countries see Americans as nuts because of stuff that we see as reality in our society. Who is right and who is wrong. I guess it depends on the perception of the societies involved.

I was touched and impressed that many to most folks overseas who are at all mature and perceptive--regardless of their degree of education or station in life . . . they could see America's flaws quite clearly. Nevertheless, they certainly wanted the American "goodies" . . . particularly the "freedoms" . . . not realizing that those have been wholesale under assault here for decades.

Is a person with this condition inferior, by no means is that true. They just need to learn how to fit better into society. We do not have to fit perfect, this society is full of people that think different...it makes it interesting. We do have to respect the rights of others though, but understand that their rights are no more than we have. We do not have to bow down to anyone because of their social standing yet we must cooperate with our legal system and not make too many waves. A person has to fix their behavior so it matches the society, whether it is right or wrong. Now, this doesn't mean that you have to repeat the deceptions that you were taught. We use small talk in conversations with others to avoid this,

Well put.

I suppose it depends on what 'inferior' means. Such folks make very inferior parents UNLESS AND UNTIL they work the stuff through and avoid the same horrorific treatment of their children that resulted in their attachment disorder.

Certainly all are priceless individuals of great worth.

I greatly appreciate your comments. Thanks tons and tons. May you have a blessed sleep and Tuesday.

a reply to: BO XIAN

One of the suggestions in the Drs Sibcy and Clinton ATTACHMENTS book is to

ACT AS THOUGH ONE'S ATTACHMENT STYLE WAS SECURE when a relationship problem occurs.

They note that doing so will not tend to result in more abuse and hurt but will tend to move the relationship dynamic toward one of greater health and mutual supportiveness.

Certainly ACTING AS THOUGH has been experimentally demonstrated to be a powerful strategy for healthy change.
.

I removed my post since after reading links I don't think it really fit in this thread. Sorry for the interruption.

All the best

a reply to: BO XIAN

Are you trying to get us to do your homework for you?

originally posted by: nixie_nox
a reply to: BO XIAN

Are you trying to get us to do your homework for you?

Uhhhhhhhhhh. . . and what homework might that be?

I'm near 70 years old.

Have had a full life teaching at universities on 2 continents and counseling with a wide range of attachment disorder marriage and family stuff.

I have a well earned quality PhD in Clinical Psychology.

I don't even do that much "sidewalk consult" counseling any more.

I do have some moderate motivation to share my observations, opinions, what I've learned . . . in the closing decades of my life . . . with those who might be interested and benefit from same . . . and those who might have something to share from their journey.

If that's not you, please feel free to read other threads. I have no great need to take up your mental 'air time' with my blather, or your bother, in that case.

I continue to have some moderate motivation to learn about people in their diversities of experiences . . . and particularly their diversities of problem solving that work and that don't work.

Psychology and relationships are still high priority passions for me . . . just not quite the same as earlier decades.

My step-dad died in Dec. I have no more close relatives anywhere near here and only 2 cousins left at all. I currently live alone while having many close relationships locally and around the world. Folks who prefer to have problems with me vs working out enjoyable dialogues and shared times of journey can go suck rocks.

ATTACHMENT DISORDER has been a passionate concern and curiosity for many decades of my life.


.

Below are a few of my paraphrased and selected items from chapter 10 of the above mentioned ATTACHMENTS by Drs Sibcy and Clinton . . . the chapter is titled:

LOVE, SEX, AND MARRIAGE

1. One issue is desiring, being designed for CONNECTION even when we don't feel connected and even when our attachment style harvest works persistently against connection.

The authors suggest that choosing to be vulnerable . . . perhaps doggedly . . . to ACT AS THOUGH one has a secure attachment style . . . to ACT AS THOUGH one WOULD act if one had been reared with a secure attachment style . . . is one powerful step that can be taken to move the individuals in a marriage from painful distance and disconnection back toward intimacy and connectedness.

2. Another notion is that THE RELATIONSHIP, the CONNECTEDNESS, INTIMACY, MUTUAL SUPPORTIVENESS ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR. They are worth repeated vulnerability even in the face of disappointments and repeated hurts. Of course it works better and faster if both have decided to be repeatedly vulnerable and to doggedly work for connectedness.

.

Yet, even one person with sufficient humility and vulnerability acting out of a heart-felt love for the other can usually successfully help lead the couple back to intimacy and mutual supportiveness. That individuals in a marriage--out of their priority goals from the beginning of the relationship, if no where else . . . can constructively choose to be the first acting toward change.

.

3. Put away the scanning for threat and interpreting every nuance in the worst possible way. Avoid focusing on the secondary emotions. Express the primary ones in constructive truly WORKING IT THROUGH sorts of ways and move the relationship from mutual threat to mutual support and authentic dialogue AS THOUGH both are operating from a secure attachment style.

= = =

I have tried some of the above in various relationships and found them effective strategies where there's any chance of growth and healing at all.

I'm curious how many others have tried such strategies . . . or who might be willing to try and let us know the results.

Certainly it's not for the faint-hearted nor for those who throw in the towel quickly or easily. Generally, change requires dogged persistence in the new way of being and relating until both sides firmly realize that the old "games" are over.

Am also interested in discussing hereon successful SECURE ATTACHMENT parenting strategies, methods and activities.

What have you done with your child/children that facilitated secure attachment and/or what did your parents do with you toward secure attachment?