posted on Jun, 15 2014 @ 08:41 PM
I bypassed this thread over the last week or so, not knowing what it was about given the vague title. Not so vague now that I finally clicked and read
Not vague at all, because it's like you put into words exactly how I thought and felt for a number of years.
I once remarked to my parents some years ago that I'd function fairly well in prison as I was a self-imposed prisoner of sorts. They were angry
because it's a flippant and rather ridiculous statement to make, but in some regards it's quite true.
I often reflect on that conversation, their reaction being more angry than anything being the focus of my thoughts.
The thing is, I, much like you, would probably make the same choices if given the opportunity. To me, the choices I made were the ones I wanted to
make. As hard as it is to accept I'm simply not like those around me, the people I grew up with.
Somewhere along the lines I veered off into a tangent and it was of my own choice and making, and I think about it quite a lot.
There' was part of me that thought I was perhaps socially damaged. I didn't like doing what other people my age seemed to like doing - and yes, I
was quite bitter at times.
But my take on it differs from yours. Recently, perhaps over the last 2 or 3 years I've come to realise that it's not me who's damaged, but
society. That doesn't exclude me at all, I'm still part of the world around me, despite my best efforts to distance myself from it - I'm just a
product of circumstance and the world I was born into. It affects us all differently, some more extreme than others.
My friends think it's normal to work a dead-end job 5 days a week so that they can get disgustingly drunk all weekend. To me, that's a broken
mentality and the reason why my friends don't see me as often as they used to.
Everything you speak of as being successful and happy is born out of conforming to something you'd little choice over when you were born, you don't
pick your society and neither does it pick you, it's circumstance.
The point is I don't beat myself up over it, nor the people around me. They made their choices as did I, and like you...I'd probably make the same
choices again because it's where my mind took me. But I find myself discussing things and wanting to know about things that don't interest the
majority. It was this mindset that led me to spend most of my time reading, playing music, studying. I like to try and understand things...spend too
much time thinking as my mother always says.
I think we all make sacrifices, some of us sacrifice self-development in favour of blind happiness, and that's a choice most people make. To me I
chose a different path, and it's not easy but I don't think the alternatives are, either.
It's just life and we all play it different.
You're not alone, however. The things you focus on and spend your time on are what shape you, would you trade in who you are and what you know now to
be someone else? I wouldn't. I guess you've already reached the same conclusion having decided that given the chance, you wouldn't do it much
I think your mind is rebelling against something you don't appreciate so much, that's how I see it. I can be the most friendly and sociable person
on earth if I WANT to, I just don't want to very often if at all. I'd happily meet with friends to play chess, but none of them want to do that. I
don't expect them to, but try telling them you don't want to consume alcohol and see the confused expression on their faces. Society always told me
I was wrong, odd, weird, anti-social, so it's little wonder I became bitter at times.
For me, it seems the only problem or conflict you're having right now is with yourself, a little thing called regret, and we all have them. Even the
happy people on facebook have regrets. I have some friends who I see from time to time, but it's not like it used to be. Funnily enough they seem to
think I made better choices. I have mates in broken relationships who envy me because I'm single and have no kids, no real responsibilities. they're
about as "normal" as a typical, modern day person can possibly be..when they're sober. I've a few other friends who try to give me advice...you
should go here, meet a girl, etc. I'd rather meet a girl in a library but they don't hang out there very often!
Maybe you just lost sight of the fact that you're in control. I find writing things down helps to clarify and give new perspective. I know what I
want from life but in the modern world it's not so easy, especially when your views are so opposed to what's perceived as normal. But it won't
change me, no matter how many people give me "advice" or make ill-informed suggestions as if I'm some sort of oddity that can't function, I've
chosen not to function because to me, to function "normally" is to also be dysfunctional.
To me, the things people seem to think are normal are mostly abnormal. I don't do random sex with strangers, I don't work to get drunk 2 days out of
7 - those 2 days are precious to me, that's time I could spend being productive in a way that benefits me and not the people who employ me to do
stuff I pretty much hate. I don't lounge around watching TV and don't enjoy being the centre of attention. I like learning new things, even things
that are seen as pointless or useless to most others. The only thing that matters with regards to success is have you achieved the things you
personally set out to?
I haven't, not yet, but I'm working on it. I refuse to live my life according to how others think I should. I no longer think I'm broken or
damaged, I'm just me and have my own ideas of what success is. If you feel you haven't or won't achieve the goals that are important to you as
opposed to those around you - then figure out what those things are and work on it.
Regret and envy will eat you, knowing yourself and what's important to you, and realising that whatever choice you make, it won't ever be easy,
might be the way forward. If you're basing your regrets on what others' have achieved then ask yourself ...is that what you want, also? How can it
be, when you chose the opposite?
It's only human to have regrets about some things. Life's too short for it.
I agree with one thing, medication isn't the answer. It's just a mask, there's a reason why your mind is rebelling, it's because you recognise the
broken nature of society and see that what's normal to most people isn't actually normal at all. At least, that's what I think.
I hope you start to feel better without having to change who you are or be numbed by medication.
Flagged and starred for provoking me to be reflective and write things down. Perspective. Thanks.