Well, I am in cheery disposition!
Boy: *calls 911* "Hello? I need your help!"
911: "911 - what is your emergency?"
Boy: "Two girls are fighting over me!"
911: "So what's your emergency?"
Boy: "The ugly one is winning!"
In a public restroom...
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the next stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Erm, I'm doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"
Husband (watching a video):
"Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes...
No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!"
Wife: "Honey, why you so mad? What'aya watching?"
Husband: "Our wedding video darling!"
“The other day, I went to KFC. I didn’t know Kentucky had a football club.”
“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.”
“There’s only four things you can be in life: sober, tipsy, drunk and hungover. Tipsy is the only one where you don’t cry when you’re doing
“Like most liberals, I will do anything for the working classes, anything - apart from mix with them.”
“I’ve got type 1 diabetes. Diabetes is the only disease where I’ve had to stop half way through having sex to have a Kit Kat.”
“When my wife and begin to argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits.”