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Am I Being A Shallow Jerk? Afraid To Semi Commit?

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posted on May, 19 2014 @ 10:26 PM
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So I met a girl about 2 weeks ago. Schedules were somewhat conflicted but we had begun talking every night from about 9 to (this is very strange for me) 1 in the morning, sometimes longer. Great conversations, an insane amount in common, very comfortable and probably somewhat too open with each other. Shared some things with her I'm not comfortable discussing with more than a handful of people, and she did the same. We share the same sense of humor, ideals, tastes, interests, and values. The girl is smart as a whip, insanely quick with a joke, gets all my stupid references (and I her's), and good-naturedly laughs off any awkwardness to the point that there isn't any, she's tough but sweet, strong but vulnerable and again, I've just never really been so comfortable being myself with someone I've just met. I really don't think I could have written up a more ideal woman for myself.

I took her out this weekend and we had a great time on the first date. She was very nervous, but after ten minutes in my car on the way to the date it was like we had known each other for years. It obviously helped that we had spent so much time talking and had a ton of inside jokes and fodder to pick on one another, but really just something about our two personalities obviously clicked perfectly. She took me out the next day (I REALLY like this) and refused to let me pay for anything. She spent the night, but was a complete lady (I again REALLY like this if I'm actually into someone) and my dog who is a rather good judge of character was completely taken with her. He cried when she left and spent some time by the door.

Here's the problem. I'm not into her looks. She has a nice body, a pretty face, great eyes, and despite her somewhat tomboyish personality obviously takes care of herself (nice nails and hair, which I'm a sucker for). She has a weird chin. I can't get over it. I don't understand it. It's like a fat girls chin under a pretty face on a nice body. It weirds me out. Sometimes it wasn't bad, but other times I would look over and it was almost like she was actively trying to make it look bad. I feel like an ass. A complete ass. Again, into everything except this, but it really bugs me.

Second problem. I feel like it's gotten a little too serious too quickly. This is something I'm fairly used to considering when I start dating a woman they usually drop the love bomb within a month. It doesn't make me wildly uncomfortable, but she asked if we could make the thing exclusive in a roundabout way. I sort of swerved around the question. When I got obviously weirded out on the phone after the second date she thought it was because she had invited me to a family event, that wasn't it. It was the sort of veiled 'please ask me to be exclusive' thing.

So I'm in a weird place. I definitely have feelings for this girl. I think she's pretty much perfect (pearls and high heels with her jeans *bites fist*) but I'm a little gun shy about commitment and the chin thing... What is up with the chin thing? Look at her straight on hard to notice, side view? Yikes. I know myself well enough that I can say I'm not picking something arbitrary just because I'm weird about commitment. This really bothers me. I am fully aware I am not perfect either. I suppose what I'm looking for in posting are personal stories and advice.




posted on May, 19 2014 @ 10:44 PM
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a reply to: Domo1
Ask her to get plastic surgery for the chin, if she totally freaks out no worries.
She'll dump you and voila, problem solved!
Or she gets the surgery and you get your cake and eat it too!



posted on May, 19 2014 @ 10:48 PM
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a reply to: Domo1

Do you think possibly you are feeling this way because, in reality she is moving things along pretty fast. Two weeks, even with all the phone time, is still not long actually knowing and getting to know each other.

As a woman, I can only give you the Woman's point of view. This point of view is based on only your side of the sotry.

One. It has you feeling uncomfortable enough to ask for advice on ATS. If you were on the same page as her, you wouldn't be asking why you have qualms about her. It's obvious to me, it's really bothering you, because I've always viewed you as a somewhat private person.

May I ask, is she recently out of another relationship? She seems a wee bit clingy and reboundish. I may be totally off base, just throwing my observation out. Also, the invitation to a family event...a little too soon for that. Especially if she's hinting that you should make a commitment to not seeing anyone else but her.

As far as her neck. You may be blowing something very minor out of proportion because you do feel rushed. When we feel pressured into a situation we are still making ourselves familiar with...we tend to shine a bright light on the negatives a little more. It's a mechanism of self protection. Or, her neck reminds you of someone else you have bad memories from. I don't know for sure...just more of me tossing things out there.

If you'd feel more comfortable asking her to slow things down, then do it now. Before you get in too deep. If she is the wonderful person you think she is...she will understand and respect your request. If she goes all hurt and crying over a reasonable simple request...you're best finding out now.

Des



posted on May, 19 2014 @ 10:58 PM
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a reply to: Domo1

Shallow - yeah - a minor physical attribute that creeps you out. Give the Girl time and you may come to a point that you don't notice through if it's all you can think of maybe not.

"making it exclusive" in a round about way - Really? You can read her mind after two weeks.

Keep looking - I don't think you stand a chance over the long term.



posted on May, 19 2014 @ 11:13 PM
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The main question is... Does she wear nylons?


But seriously, maybe you are trying to find fault because you are frightened of commitment and the speed in which this relationship is going? Maybe you think she is too perfect for you and you are subconsciously finding fault so you can meet her expectations easier? In the end, it might take a little longer to figure out why it is bothering you so much.

I don't think it makes you a jerk. I'm a hands kind of gal myself. I met some pretty wonderful people before I got married that had hands I knew I could not reconcile myself to live with. I just couldn't quit staring at them, and is was almost like I could dry heave just thinking about them on me in any way. Now that sounds about as good as your chin ordeal doesn't it?

We all have our hang ups. What would make you a jerk is if you ignored it until you were much further along in the relationship then decided you couldn't live with it. Or better yet, marry her only to wake up 6 months after the first blush has worn off only to decide you can not live the rest of your days waking up next to Jay Leno's sister.

I'm anal about sausage fingers and you are anal about chins... It happens. I don't know anybody that willingly promotes hang ups like this, but I do know a ton of folks that have at least one.

I would talk with her for a but longer to see if it was something you could over come before finally calling it quits.
edit on 5/19/2014 by Kangaruex4Ewe because: (no reason given)



posted on May, 19 2014 @ 11:14 PM
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Jeez dude, if shes that great and you are having that much trouble with it, send her my way lol. If you two are getting along that well and she is drawing you in that fast, it might be a good thing. The whole chin problem though, sounds more like a subconscious excuse to avoid commitment possibly. Good luck and hope you find happiness with or without her.



posted on May, 19 2014 @ 11:20 PM
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I once dated a beautiful girl that was nearly perfect.

When I finally saw her body one of her nipples was over an inch long.

I never could get past that. I haven't thought of that in years.



posted on May, 20 2014 @ 12:10 AM
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I don't think that you're being shallow, I just think that you don't know her well enough yet. Also, if you feel rushed, then be upfront and honest with her. It's only been two weeks and she shouldn't be at too far of a level of emotional attachment and should be understanding. If not, then she should be more understanding of your feelings at least. Then again, I know that women are sometimes strange creatures (as I am one) . I wanted to use the "l" word after about a month and a half but kept it to myself because I knew that it was too soon and I didn't want to scare the guy away.

My best advice to you is to take it slow as you want to, get to know her better, and then see if the chin still bothers you. If you know her well enough to have stronger feelings for her, then maybe you'll be shallow at that point but not now.
I've also noticed that the more you like someone or even if you shift into the bounds of love, then you don't notice things like that anymore anyway and they become insignificant to you. I know I have a lot of hang-ups about my own body that I thought would freak my boyfriend out whenever he saw my body (like a birth mark where the sun doesn't shine) , but he overlooked them.



posted on May, 20 2014 @ 12:12 AM
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If you give up on her, if she is your soul mate, you will regret it for the rest of your life.

It is not often, once or twice in a lifetime that we meet someone and click so fast.

You are being foolish.

Why not simply ask her about it? Try to be nice, here is a hint. "You have an unusual chin?" DO NOT ADD, "It freaks me out."

She will tell you about it. Love ..... true love ..... is much deeper than mere skin.

Lastly, get naked, look in the mirror and say, "I am the perfect male specimen. They could have used me as a model for the statue of Apollo."

P


P



posted on May, 20 2014 @ 12:17 AM
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Double Post!!!


edit on 20-5-2014 by wasobservingquietly because: (no reason given)



posted on May, 20 2014 @ 12:22 AM
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"I once dated a beautiful girl that was nearly perfect.
When I finally saw her body one of her nipples was over an inch long.
I never could get past that. I haven't thought of that in years."

a reply to: whyamIhere

OMG!!! I was going to post a serious reply...but now I can't!!!
I...just...can't...ha, ha, ha!!!
I'm choking & ROTFL!!!

But now I do have to ask the obvious...
inquiring minds want to know...
Was it because one was too small...
One was too big...
or...because they weren't a matched set???

OMG...ha, ha, ha!!!
That would be the equivalent of a guy having...
Never mind...not even going to go there...!!!

Ha, ha, ha! Best unexpected laugh I've had in a looong time!!!
No obvious pun intended!!!
WOQ


edit on 20-5-2014 by wasobservingquietly because: (no reason given)



posted on May, 20 2014 @ 02:49 AM
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No problem with just slowing down a little, stop the long phone calls and make things more in person; you haven't gotten used to the way this person looks compared with the non-physical phone calls, is all. And maybe she hinted at getting exclusive because this level of easy interaction is new to her too, or maybe she's just been lonely and is wanting to end that stage of her life. It's not often you find someone you can talk to so easily for so long but the phone call aspect of it fails to take into account the physical realities.

But let me tell you a story: back when I started nursing school, we were paired up with 'buddies' for the duration. My buddy was, I swear, the homeliest child I have ever met... stringy white-blonde hair, a very large nose, receding chin, buck teeth, and to top it all off, very severe acne.

Within two weeks, I would have KILLED anyone who insulted her; she was the sweetest, kindest, most fun loving and cheerful person I'd ever met up to that point and few since have come close. She was a goddess and beautiful in my eyes, quite simply.

Moral of the story: People's looks change when you get to know them. Ever meet a gorgeous woman who was a bitch, or worse? And you ended up thinking they were ugly?

And besides, you're not perfect either.



posted on May, 20 2014 @ 03:09 AM
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originally posted by: Kangaruex4Ewe

I'm anal about sausage fingers





LOL!! .....


That brings back memories and visions I have not thought of for years!!



posted on May, 20 2014 @ 04:17 AM
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a reply to: Domo1

Reading the headline "am I afraid to semi commit" did make me laugh as it's just so blokey, but I get where you are coming from - I've had a couple of partners in the past where i got on with them like a house on fire on meeting, loads in common and great rapport etc but I was just not sure at first if I was personally attracted to them so much.

In my experience a couple more dates should sort this and you'll either decide that you were just being a bit of a knob and that she's gorgeous, or that she really ain't gonna do it for you.

Way it worked for me was i ended up finding them bloody gorgeous, and yes, I just need to stop being an over analytical berk.

And one of them had hairy nips. Like "get stuck between your teeth" style hairy. Proper threw me, but eminently solvable.

And if the way this girl looks makes you bite your fist in a good way, that chin will soon be something that you grow to love, just as she no doubt accepts your prehensile tail and webbed feet



posted on May, 20 2014 @ 04:17 AM
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Dude... honestly, you like her body, you like her personality. You're able to talk to her into the wee hours of the night, she's just the right mix of tomboy & girl girl that you like, she's smart and she tries to look after herself....and you're complaining about a weird chin. Stop finding excuses to break up with her, stop being a wuss about commitment and just let whatever happens, happen.



posted on May, 20 2014 @ 05:52 AM
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originally posted by: eletheia

originally posted by: Kangaruex4Ewe

I'm anal about sausage fingers





LOL!! .....


That brings back memories and visions I have not thought of for years!!


I am not quite sure that I want to ask, or hear the answer...



posted on May, 20 2014 @ 03:21 PM
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a reply to: Domo1


Here's the problem. I'm not into her looks. She has a nice body, a pretty face, great eyes, and despite her somewhat tomboyish personality obviously takes care of herself (nice nails and hair, which I'm a sucker for). She has a weird chin. I can't get over it. I don't understand it. It's like a fat girls chin under a pretty face on a nice body. It weirds me out. Sometimes it wasn't bad, but other times I would look over and it was almost like she was actively trying to make it look bad. I feel like an ass. A complete ass. Again, into everything except this, but it really bugs me.


I am not so sure you are ready for this girl/woman nor any other girl/woman. I think you may be correct...you may be an ass.

I think you uncapable of thinking long term..just short term. I believe this female can think longer term than can you.



If you plan to keep a girl/woman...longer than a sound bite..you need to be asking yourself what she brings to the table which will last longer than or when her Physical attributes wear out...her shelf life drops.

To many males are hooked on the looks department and get stuck with a "high maintenance" woman when the biology runs out and the clock strikes midnight...shelf life is expired.

If you cannot get past this hurdle you may be a shallow commitment phobe indeed. Most women their shelf life is shorter than most men without operations/augmentation...overhaul/surgery.

The question a knowledeable man asks is what does she have skill and knowledge wise to bring to the table when the biology runs out and the clock strikes midnight. Not how physical or attractive she is now.

The absence of this kind of thinking tells me that she is further along than are you Domo 1.

That she can wear pearls rather than much of what passes for jewlry today tells me she is more of a mature type. Very few females today wear perals. Pearls would be among their last choice today. To invite you to a family function means she is more stable than most...most likely.

I've been with some very nice looking women..but inside they are mostly empty shells. Looks are often overated. Dont be discouraged here. A female is a female inside first..not outside. So too with a woman...especially a woman.

I am not sure you are ready for this female Domo1...short term or long term.

Not everything in life is perfect. And often what we think is perfect is not the product advertised.

Just my .02,

Orangetom

edit on 20-5-2014 by orangetom1999 because: (no reason given)



posted on May, 20 2014 @ 04:12 PM
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I might of stayed with that chick with the wormy nipple.

Had I not been so shallow.

One night when I was drunk I thought it was following me around the room.

To the guy that ask....The other nip was perfect.



posted on May, 20 2014 @ 04:17 PM
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Actually, you just introduce her on ATS and let her choose one of us, because from what you've said, you don't deserve her. Given the number of similarities you cite, your excuses sound very shallow. Let her find someone who is really in to her and not afraid of commitment. You know, a mature person who isn't going to be a "project."



posted on May, 20 2014 @ 05:37 PM
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Sounds like a fear of commitment to me.

In high school I always thought I wanted a romantic relationship, it seemed so glamorous and all-important.

Then I get into one and I just froze up with anxiety and worry. But that's just me, I hate feeling like I'm responsible for the thoughts and feelings of anyone. It robs me of the sense of self that I've grown accustomed to.

I'd say take it slow and really get to know her. If shes hinted at exclusivity just let her know you don't want to go that fast. If she's as cool as you describe she should have zero issues with that.



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