originally posted by: grayeagle
We grew up together in a small town from the first grade through high school. She was very pretty and very smart as well. I grew to like her and over
time it changed to feelings of love. I never shared how I felt with her because I was too shy. I was unwilling to risk rejection. I tried to find ways
to be near her, class projects, playground games, etc.
In the summers I would go swimming near her home so that I could see her. Her image, her voice, even her smell became things that lingered in my
mind. I would dream of her and I becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. Innocent at first but as I grew older I imagined some day I would see her naked
beauty. I envisioned first a storybook romance, words and emotions drawing us closer and closer together, then a mutual recognition that we deeply
loved each other.
I would imagine my arms around her, holding her in my embrace. Gently caressing her face as I placed kisses on her cheeks. I would meet her
strawberry lips with mine and taste her mouth. She became my ideal woman. I wanted to be with her forever.
But school and time were not on my side. She found other boys who were not afraid to approach her. They were willing to tell her how beautiful she
was and were not afraid to pursue her for sex. I purposely protected myself from hearing any bragging boy talk of conquest. I kept her in my self
indulgent mind as a pure virgin. Always in a white wedding dress just waiting for our day.
After high school we would occasionally run into each other but it wasn't long before we had all moved away from our home town and became married
and then came kids. Our lives had taken different directions. At class reunions we would acknowledge each other as old friends and classmates but
Now after all these years and two failed marriages in my life I realize what my choices had cost me. My first love should have been my only love. I
have no idea how she might feel. Her husband has very serious health issues and doesn't have long to live. I would never think of sharing how I feel
as long as he is alive.
So I find myself in the terribly awkward position of feeling myself growing older with an unknown future. She is such an amazing person and faithful
to her husband. I don't want to feel like a vulture impatiently waiting to rush in and pledge my love to her.
Nor do I want to die without telling her how much I love her and have all these years. But I feel like that is so selfish on my part. I don't want
to do anything that would complicate her life at this time so I have refrained from actively communicating with her. I don't want to be unconsciously
revealing my feelings for her.
I hope and pray I am not too late. But I am in a place of, “if it is meant to be it will happen.” I would appreciate your input regarding this
Your story is very similar with mine, except I'm at the beginning.
As a toddler until I was 16yrs old I used to be the center of attentions, I wasn't shy and I loved to socialize with people and girls, I wasn't
scared of telling girls what I felt about them and I was flat honest with them, I met my girl in the 7th grade, I was with her 5 months and we were
kids I didn't really love her, we broke up and I wasn't even sad, I didn't know what love as so I just kept hitting on girls, the usual teen stuff,
then in the 9th I grew a crush on a english chick and we had a little spark that didn't last for long for her, and after a month during summer
holidays I told her my feelings for her (and they were strong) and got rejected..
This was the turning point in my personality, I changed alot, my confidence with girls suffered, I got depressed, became insecure, it was a pretty
depressive summer when I was alone, I would feel good with my friends but then at home it would be painful, regardless I wasn't totally unhappy, I
landed in the same class as my ex gf from the 7th grade, and we started talking alot more, we would spend all school time together, all classes we sat
next to each other, and I grew some really strong feeling for her, I fell completely in love for her, and she for me, I loved it. She would text me
alot, always asking for my company, lots of kisses and hugs, I felt really warm inside and all these hugs and kisses made me happy, but I let this go
the whole year, my actions represented what I felt, but something in my brain prevented me from telling her how I felt about her, I would get so
anxious so nervous I couldn't let a word out of my mouth, I would get really frustrated at myself, always dealying the declaration of my most
truthful feelings to her, I took her for granted, and when I was ready to tell her how I felt, she had already started a relationship days earlier,
she told me she had feelings for me, but she could not end it with the other dude.
Yea this sent me into a spiral of desolation, another sad summer for me, and this one was particularly destructive, I needed to get her out of my head
so I went to a load of festivals, stuffed my brain with drugs and basically spent the whole summer partying, and presently we are now in the same
class, in the same freaking situation, she broke up with her bf (that so boyfriend was incredibly jealous of me, he made her hate me, delete me from
facebook and forbid her from talking to me, what the #, before anything else we were friends and it was a friendship I held dearly in my heart, and
just because of her jealous boyfriend, that connection was severely severed), she immediately started talking to me, I went along and we started
seeing eachother but it quickly ended, she stopped talking to me all of a sudden without any apparent reason and I'm left again with feelings for her
and getting played by a girl, after reading your post, I feel like I need to tell her how I feel, I really think she's the one, and I would regret
it for the rest of my life if she was the one and I didn't tell her what I felt for her.
I start thinking about the future, before even handling the present, I always think I'm gonna get rejected and the signs I'm seeing are just my
imagination, because of my failures with these two girls I tend to have a very negative opinion about myself when it comes to understanding girls,
thankfully I know I'm good with a whole lot of stuff and girls aren't the most important, but I can't picture myself alone when all my mates have a
girlfriend and I'm left single.
I'm 19 years old, still have alot of time, but I see that not even time can wash away the feelings you have for your special one I can tell..
I've got no advice for you OP, I know no better than you, your text made think alot about how I should handle my situation, I just hope everything
turns out okay for you!