Question: What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas?

A man and woman were making love when the woman cried out "Oh my God! I hear my husband coming! You must get out of here fast! Grab your clothes and jump out the window!". The man hurriedly jumped out the window and low and behold fell into some bushes. As luck would have it, it started to rain. He sat there, wondering what he was going to do when a bunch of joggers happened to jog by. The man quickly jumped up and joined the joggers. As he was running along with the rest of the joggers, one asked him "Do you always run in the nude?". The man answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running". Then another runner asked "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?". The man answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home". Then another runner asked "Do you always wear a condom when you run?". "Well" he answered, "only when it's raining".

Answer: Santa Claws!

a reply to: Egoismyname

i was going to say jocelyn wildenstein but this'll do

Hmm, how dirty can we get?
A young couple were in serious financial difficulties and they decided the only option they had was for the young wife to sell herself!
They decided they'd go to a far away bar/pub where they were not known and find some customers.
They sat down in the bar and eyed up some likely customers.
The young wife approached a man and asked him if he wanted sex.
He agreed, but said he wanted to do it in his car which was parked in the car park just around the corner.
The young wife got very nervous and she sneaked back to where her husband was sitting and told him she was frightened.
He told her not to worry as he would be watching from his own car.

The young wife went with the man to his car. He asked her how much she was charging? Flustered by the question she made an excuse and sneaked back to her husband. He told her a hand job would be 30, oral would be 50 and full sex would be 100.

Back at the customers car she told the man the prices.
He said he only had 30 so he only wanted a hand job.

The customer unzipped and out plopped the most enormous dong the young wife had ever seen!!!
She threw open the car door and ran back to her husband as fast as her little legs would carry her, frantically she knocked on the window of his car. He opened the window and she said "He's only got thirty, can you lend him 70?"

My naughty pub joke:

A man walks into a bar he’s never been to before and takes a look around. He sees it’s a good little bar and then notices there’s a tiny little piano in the corner with a tiny little man about 10 inches tall just jammin’ away.

He looks the bartender right in the eye and says, “Hey, he’s pretty good. Where’d you find him?” The bartender shies away from the question and continues wiping down the counter. The man says, “No really, where would you find something like that?”

The bartender stops his work and says, “You won’t believe me, but I have a magic lamp and a genie who grants my wishes.” The man is doubtful, but sure enough the bartender pulls out a magic lamp from under the counter to prove it.

The bartender says, “Go for it. Make any wish.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds and says, “I wish for a million bucks!” After a moment, the bar starts to magically fill up with what looks like about a million ducks.

The man turns to the bartender and says, “Hey, chief, I think your lamp is broken.”

The bartender says, “Yeah, do you think I really wished for a 10 inch pianist?”