a reply to: DietJoke
Hey brother. Your post finds me in the worst personal space I've ever been since beginning to work on my "issues" and many problems of my PTSD
following my multiple deployments and near death the last time I was wounded and the IED almost ended me.
I'm not really one to talk about my feelings but in the last 6 months I met and fell in love with an Australian girl. We were planning on making a
life together and she was to move here to NYC as soon as we could save enough for her, her dog and her stuff to get here.
A little background on me to help explain what I think has made this amazing woman come to "despise and resent" me (her words not more than 20 minutes
I was a captain in the US Army. I served 17 years until an IED put the Mine Resistant Ambush Proof aspect of the MRAP I was traveling in to the
ultimate test... I was involved in interrogating various insurgents and other sources of tactically and strategically valuable intelligence. I mention
that because that has proven to be the major issue in this relationship. Surprisingly more so than my flashbacks, nightmares, the distance I out
between me and others, the pain I try (mostly unsuccessfully) to deal with minute to minute each day.
This girl was somehow able to break through my walls I've put up and I finally felt safe with another person. I could talk to her about everything. It
wasn't hard or painful or troubling for the first time since - well since FOREVER really, but definitely since my experiences in Iraq and Afghanistan.
She is the love if my life and I'm lucky to have found her.
However, she made a mistake and lied to me about a couple things. It killed me that she did. Killed me where two bullets and an IED couldn't.
I responded badly and my interrogation skills came to the fore. This has been going on for the past three days. She's just gone to bed (it's like
02:00 for her now), and she's agreed to take a breath and step back until tomorrow before coming to a final decision on if she wants to be with me and
try to rebuild the trust that's been badly damaged. Worse than the lies that began this brouhaha, is the pain and despair I feel that I very likely
have damaged our love so severely with the way I reacted. Beyond that, and more important to my thinking, is the pain I've caused her to feel. After
all she's done to make life seem livable again to me, the joy she brought to my life, all that we shared, I was unable to just suck it up and move on
without being a dick and treating her like I would anyone I've interrogated in my previous duties.
And now I feel almost sure it's over. Fairly confident that tomorrow she will tell me she no longer wants to be with me or to even attempt to work
things out. And I'm completely lost thinking that. I've never been one to give up, but in that case I'm seriously at the point of just ending all this
pain (both from this specific situation and all the issues I deal with every second if every minute of every hour of every day). I've been unhappy
before, but I've never really understood despair before these past several days.
I thought posting this, no matter how painful it has been to put these feeling into text here, would maybe be helpful. It hasn't so I'm just going to
cut it short. I actually feel worse now having posted but I'll leave it as it is in the hopes that my saying this "something" may possibly help you,
OP, or anyone else feel better about their particular problems.
Good luck OP. I too appreciated the memories your punk rock thread brought back. Thanks also to beansidhe cuz without your post in this thread above I
wouldn't have even seen it (she's a buddy I think I made here, the only one really, based on her thoroughly intelligent and interesting threads/posts
- if you haven't you should take a look at them).
I'm not sure where I'll go from here if anywhere if this beautifully warm and loving person (who made a couple stupid mistakes in lying to me) should
decide I'm not worth attempting to work on and fix the situation we find ourselves in. I guess I am just one truly messed up individual. More so than
I even realized until today and to a lesser extent until posting this.
Thanks again OP and Beansidhe.
edit on 6/5/14 by 35Foxtrot because: (no reason given)