I have no idea if this is wise to share this here, but my 'gut' suggests that it is something that should happen. Obviously I am not going to go
into details about names and places, but I want to share what I'm thinking about some of the events in my life at present; so here is what I have to
I've been involved with someone for twenty months. It's hard to think that almost two years has gone by and that it has gone by very, very fast too.
Often it feels like a few short months, which it has been short, in some respects. Regardless of the shortness of time, I have to say I have become
This is someone who has totally changed my opinions about a number of things in life. A few years ago, I was totally against the idea of marriage. Not
because it was an 'archaic thing', but just the fact that I hate the idea of the state/church being involved in the union of two people. Why do we
need to have someone else set terms and boundaries of a relationship? How is that right? If two adults want to get into a relationship then why let
someone else interfere? Now, however, my thoughts have altered. I still ask these questions, but now I would
get married - not perhaps in a
traditional sense, but there would still be a ceremony of sorts, and some kind of vows etc.
We don't argue. What more can I say about this? Well, it is an awesome thing for starters. I know most couples argue, but not us. Even when we
disagree we seem to be able to talk out a solution in no time at all. It is certainly a new thing for me. I did resolve a few years ago to be more
accomodating of others, and to understand opposing views more often, but we both seem to have that in common which is excellent.
I suppose the issue I have is that we have an age gap. I'm older, by a bit more than a few years. I have, in the past, felt quite guilty about this,
because I sometimes get concerned that my age and experience can be used as a tool to manipulate and 'get what I want'. That aspect of the
relationship really frightens me, mostly because I don't want to ever be thought of as anything but honest, and straight. What's funny is that as I
write this, I have Jesse Ventura staring at me from the side of this page, giving me a stern look, as though to say, "You're so self deprecating,
knock it off! Just enjoy the present and all that you have."
The present really is where we live, but so often we are all guilty of being stuck in the past, or obsessed with the future (for one reason or
another) and that prevents us from enjoying the present.
Finally, my other concern is that I actually have some one in my life I actually love. I have loved before, and been built up then torn appart by
love, but this feels different. For this reason:
If this doesn't work, I will be ripped appart, more than ever before - I know that for a certainty. But...
My heart tells me that if this doesn't work, it will be glad to see my 'hummingbird' fly and sing, and be free. Certainly there is a part of me
that feels a little insecure and wants to keep the hummingbird locked up and all to myself, but I would at the same time be content to let my
'hummingbird' be free to sing and fly and just 'be'. Something inside me actually rejoices at that idea, perhaps even looks forward to it.
Hopefully it never happens, but despite the morbidity of it, it's positive, I suppose.
It's actually a frightening thing being this 'involved' with someone else. Occasionally, I think I should break it off because of the age gap. Or
because one of us is going back to university and there will be distance to think about, whilst the other remains and makes a career. Obviously,
we'll see each other as often as practicable, but there are always things to think about.
Perhaps I just wanted to share my thoughts. I did want to say that I really am in love, even if it's just to finally consciously acknowledge it. I
really do feel that this leaves me feeling quite amazing and 'on top of the world', but vulnerable at the same time. Disturbed and content all at
once. What an amazing experience this thing the 'human condition' really is. Full of amibvilence, complication and simplicity all a the same
For anyone reading this who might be single, and feeling down - please try not to feel that way. Being single or attached have their merits and
drawbacks. If you're feeling down at being single, then focus on being happy within yourself. You are responsible for your own happiness. When you go
out and make yourself happy, and learn to spoil yourself, others see this and gravitate towards it. That's what helps increase your chances of
getting attached... Learn new things, do new things, meet new people, be happy doing it. It'll make you a deeper and more interesting person, and
more exciting. Everyone is always interested in exciting people. I know because I've seen it a number of times in those around me who have made that
realisation that they are responsible for their own happiness, and should not depend upon others to make them happy.
I can't say I have posted this because I want advice, because I don't think I do. Any advice, or suggestions given will certainly be appreciated,
All that is posted above is a massive abbreviation of the past twenty months, and there are always many aspects that get left out for the sake of
brevity. Perhaps there are things I a missing, or just not able to focus on properly. It might also be that the time has come where life has
introduced me to another who will have a huge impact on my life (certainly that's how it feels right now).
But who know's. This is the present, and I need to live here and now, not in the future. Certainly consideration of the past should be limited to a
'learning exercise' and nothing more...
I feel I'm rambling, so this post is finished. If you want to add comments, please feel free. Anything added is appreciated.
All my best to you all for reading.