Do I have any talent? I wrote a story tell me what you think/ Give it to me hard.

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posted on Apr, 12 2014 @ 04:04 AM
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April Twelfth, 2126.



CABIN CR3W /Orion/



The bodies had been burned to a crisp barely recognizable as human remains. Steam rose from a pile of flame eaten wood, a door knob twinkled in the cold. It was a beautiful sunny day, the sun reflected off the snow making Paul squint no matter which direction he looked. All he could see without being blinded was the fire ruined cabin and the four bodies laying in the center. Paul stepped into what was the main room of the cabin, taking a deep breath before standing over the charred bodies. The smell of fresh pine trees kissed by fire hung in the air.

Paul had seen the flames from across the forest, smoke had covered the sky. He and his friend, Oxford, had decided to trek the two days walk to see if anyone needed help. Paul had never heard of a cabin burning down or catching on fire for that matter, these things just didn’t happen around here. The bodies of the four occupants of the cabin were huddled together as if they had been trapped by fire on all sides. Oxford took a knee down beside one of the crisp bodies.

“What is this brother?” Oxford asked.

Paul looked to where Oxford was pointing. The hand of one of the blackened bodies was clutching something, almost making a fist. A slight glint of metal was visible. “I do not know.” Paul said, gently prying the fingers open. Having never seen a burnt human before he did not realize the hand would collapse under his gentle touch. “Blazing Suns!” Paul yelped as he stammered backwards into a pile of unrecognizable burnt items.

“Look.” Oxford said picking up the metal object from the ash. He turned it over in his hand.

“ I’ve never seen anything like this brother, it has strange markings on it.” Oxford handed the object to Paul. It was about the length of a man’s smallest finger.

“We should head back. All this has a strange feeling to it.” Oxford said looking around at the dark forest, night was looming over them.

“Agreed, I’m taking this with me maybe the Professor can tell us what it is.”

Paul glanced at the strange markings on the metal object just before putting it in the pocket of his heavy fur coat, they read;

‘Flash Drive 80-GB’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**That is the very beginning. Here is a small paragraph from later on.**

“What do you fear brother?” Oxford dazed.

With a swift motion Paul emptied a small sac of leather into his hand, shriveled green bits of dried herb fell into his palm, he carefully placed it in his wooden pipe and passed it off to Oxford. He seemed to need it. Rings of smoke floated to the orbs in the sky slowly fading out of existence. Paul could hear the crackling sound of burning dried plant which seemed amplified in their make shift camp.

“What is fear brother?” Paul attempted to answer. “Fear is fleeting I think. When a bird jumps out of a bush near you- causing a fluttering of your heart, that is raw fear. Yet when you look into the eyes of a loved one who is struggling to take their last breath, that is ardent fear. When we really feel it in our chest. If one fears being afraid I pity them, it is simply a tool like a mallet. Fear and pain makes men out of boys. ”

Oxford closed his eyes, “sleep well brother.”

Three silver blue stars in a row hovered over the two sleeping travelers. Moving slowly across the sky east to west as if some giant hand was rolling moon sized marbles along the cloth of the night sky.



~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge me.




posted on Apr, 12 2014 @ 04:19 AM
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reply to post by Agent008
 


[SNIP]

story was decent now you just need to make more of it
edit on 12-4-2014 by elevatedone because: (no reason given)



posted on Apr, 12 2014 @ 04:26 AM
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Confronting and interesting , descriptive
but I am not a professional writing critique .
I would read more. 1%



posted on Apr, 12 2014 @ 04:28 AM
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reply to post by hopenotfeariswhatweneed
 


Catchy right? I am at the stage when I have been working on this one story for so long it makes me sick. I need to know if it's still worth my sanity to keep going and perfect it. I have about 40 pages now.



posted on Apr, 12 2014 @ 04:28 AM
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reply to post by Agent008
 


Give it to you hard? Lol!
Ok, in my opinion, your story has a Thomas Hardy-esque use of imagery and a slight dream-like quality, which reminds me of Burroughs. All good



posted on Apr, 12 2014 @ 04:36 AM
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reply to post by beansidhe
 


Thanks! I haven't read any Thomas Hardy though. What do you recommend of his works?
edit on 4/12/2014 by Agent008 because: (no reason given)



posted on Apr, 12 2014 @ 04:40 AM
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reply to post by Agent008
 


I hope you really do want it hard because hard I can give.

Errors of 'facts out of place' can destroy a story.

The knob was covered in soot, so it can't twinkle.




taking a deep breath before standing over the charred bodies. The smell of fresh pine trees kissed by fire hung in the air.


The burnt bodies smell like burnt pork. He is not going to be smelling fresh pine trees!



“Agreed, I’m taking this with me maybe the Professor can tell us what it is.”


Introduce the Professor by name, makes it easier later. "maybe Professor Maklin can tell us what it is."




Paul could hear the crackling sound of burning dried plant which seemed amplified in their make shift camp.


Sounds are rarely amplified when outdoors, especially low level sounds unless "by the sheer wall of rock" or some such thing nearby.



Hope that helps. Yes, you have the innate ability to tell a story. You need to be able to imagine the scene and run it through your mind like a movie.

At this stage, you need a good editor, but my third book is much, much better than my first. We all have to start at the beginning.

Nice story, it makes me want more.

P



posted on Apr, 12 2014 @ 04:44 AM
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Good start, nice hook and definetely wanted to make me read more of it. The initial paragraphs could use a little more fleshing out and details to really set up the scene, but it had a good mystery-esque feel to it.

From a grammatical POV, remember each quotation (the bit where someone talks) needs to be on it's own line. You could also flesh out speech with motions and emotion to enhance the reader's view, depending on how much you wanted to give away.

Other than that a good start, would be interested to read more of this.



posted on Apr, 12 2014 @ 04:46 AM
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reply to post by 74Templar
 





From a grammatical POV, remember each quotation (the bit where someone talks) needs to be on it's own line.


That is not the norm generally, just look at a few novels.

In some circles it has been tried but it never caught on, too many pages, too many trees.

P
edit on 12/4/2014 by pheonix358 because: (no reason given)



posted on Apr, 12 2014 @ 04:48 AM
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Agent008
reply to post by beansidhe
 


Thanks! I haven't read any Thomas Hardy though. What do you recommend of his works?
edit on 4/12/2014 by Agent008 because: (no reason given)


Jude The Obscure (not everyone's favourite, I know).
Best read when you've involved yourself in a doomed-to-failure romance, ideally with a backdrop of a windswept moorland, and when you're unemployed.
But Hardy's worth reading anytime, I reckon.

Good stories just sort of 'fall out' when they're ready, so enjoy it and don't worry so much if you're good enough. You are.



posted on Apr, 12 2014 @ 04:49 AM
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reply to post by pheonix358
 


Thank you!!!

I totally agree with what you are saying, I am learning faster than I can apply it to the story Lol. When I had the moments of motivation to write parts of this story laid out in my mind I would hammer away at the key board, that was months ago. Now Im going back and trying to smooth it out and expand on what I was imagining.

Thank you for your advice I will remember it forever.




posted on Apr, 12 2014 @ 04:50 AM
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reply to post by pheonix358
 


Just going on the way I was taught to write I guess. Most of the books I have read have each quotation as the beginning of a new paragraph. Up to the writer I guess, as long as it's legible.



posted on Apr, 12 2014 @ 04:52 AM
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pheonix358
reply to post by 74Templar
 





From a grammatical POV, remember each quotation (the bit where someone talks) needs to be on it's own line.


That is not the norm generally, just look at a few novels.

In some circles it has been tried but it never caught on, too many pages, too many trees.

P
edit on 12/4/2014 by pheonix358 because: (no reason given)


Oh no no, I agree with Templar here. New line for each new sentence spoken by a character. Well, that's my preference anyway, but I'm not an author just a reader!



posted on Apr, 12 2014 @ 04:58 AM
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I didn't read the whole piece but you can write.

you should write more.

and don't listen to the people who will say you're not talented enough or you cannot do something.

just write.

if you love to do it; it will get recognized.



posted on Apr, 12 2014 @ 05:01 AM
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reply to post by beansidhe
 


So many times I have struggled with this... If the sentence is short and the character needs to say maybe a 4 word sentence real quick is it okay for it be be in quotations in the same sentence without needing its own line.

I find sometimes it just flows better or improves the joke or moment more when a quotations is with the paragraph. That being said I understand that the norm is to have its own line and that works just fine



posted on Apr, 12 2014 @ 05:01 AM
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I'll give it to you hard Agent008 haha.

I have been trying to write a lot lately, and I would like to think I know a little, but I have never been published so take this for what it's worth.

I liked it. The imagery as someone said was really good.

But I would like to offer some suggestions.

Firstly. Always write in active voice. Sure there are exceptions to the rule, but not many.

Example:

..the sun reflected... making Paul squint..

is better as.. Paul squinted, the sun reflecting off the snow everywhere he looked.

and

..he did not realize the hand would collapse under his gentle touch...

should be
..the hand collapsed under his gentle touch.

..Oxford took a knee down beside one of the crisp bodies.

(and this is just suggesting a more actionable verb.)

Oxford dropped to his knee beside...

Sure it's just a grammatical thing, and no need to be picky when it comes to literature, but the reader should read the words 'the hand collapsed' before they read any descriptions or details relating to that action. The point being that the active voice flows in a readers mind better.

You can create more action and better pacing with the right wording.

One other picky thing..

When you introduce the character of Oxford it seems kind of a throw off. Paul sees the flames then he and his friend Oxford...

I would introduce Oxford with the new paragraph.

Oxford saw the flames from across the forest and shouted to Paul, pointing.

I don't know if that's any better, but that's what I would do.

But still, there was some really good stuff.

I like some of the dialogue in the later scene, and that last sentence is really really great, I am jealous on that one



Was it good for you?



posted on Apr, 12 2014 @ 05:07 AM
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74Templar
reply to post by pheonix358
 


Just going on the way I was taught to write I guess. Most of the books I have read have each quotation as the beginning of a new paragraph. Up to the writer I guess, as long as it's legible.



beansidhe

pheonix358
reply to post by 74Templar
 





From a grammatical POV, remember each quotation (the bit where someone talks) needs to be on it's own line.


That is not the norm generally, just look at a few novels.

In some circles it has been tried but it never caught on, too many pages, too many trees.

P
edit on 12/4/2014 by pheonix358 because: (no reason given)


Oh no no, I agree with Templar here. New line for each new sentence spoken by a character. Well, that's my preference anyway, but I'm not an author just a reader!


OK guys, I just checked half a dozen books. Many do it the way you say, many don't. I wonder if it is a country thing, US does it one way etc. I will have to look into it being an old fart.

P



posted on Apr, 12 2014 @ 05:12 AM
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reply to post by pheonix358
 


It could be, could also be just a preference thing. I was always taught the beginning of a quotation is someone speaking, and kind resembles the way a script is written with each line separate from the rest, but that's just me.

I guess as long as it's readable and doesn't get confusing or illegible, then it's just down to personal preference.

In any event, the writing is good itself, and as you said we all start somewhere. ATS I find is good that way, you can get honest and constructive feedback and basically improve.



posted on Apr, 12 2014 @ 05:14 AM
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reply to post by pheonix358
 


Hmm, interesting. I've just taken a handful of books too - Graham Greene and Vonnegut do, but Camus does not. I wonder if it is a country thing?

ETA: Vonnegut's Galapagos was first published in Britain, with (I guess) a British editor. So yeah, maybe it's just a British style of writing that we assume is correct (as we do!).
edit on 12-4-2014 by beansidhe because: eta



posted on Apr, 12 2014 @ 05:19 AM
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reply to post by JayDub113
 


That is really helpful! Thank you!

Seeing things with different eyes is what I need right now to get this thing off the ground.





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