reply to post by Bluesma
I'm going to be brutally honest about myself. I haven't been in a relationship in a long time. These women are just women that I've observed around
me. For example, wives of friends, my mother, my uncle's wife, etcetera. I observe an overt deviousness in women way more often than I do in men.
With men, it's almost like a clumsy, thoughtless, "did I do that" type of deviousness. And I just want to note that I feel that I have to be very
careful not to make these statements sound like personal attacks. The high intelligence can be something good as well as something bad. And I also
agree with someone who mentioned that years of being discriminated against may have brought out this personality trait in women.
I will tell you something I perceive in the men in my life.
They have a lot of trouble being aware of what is happening inside them. Their internal world is just as complex, with just as many simultaneous
opposing emotions, desires, and intents as women have... yet they simply prefer to keep a large part of those in the darkness to avoid the complexity
of choosing action within all that, and the discomfort of ambivalence.
They can be passive aggressive then- and not in the way many people hear that term- as if you know you know you are pissed off and pretend
be otherwise, devising a sneaky way to do something hurtful to the person you're mad at.
They are more often in complete denial that they are pissed or feeling resentful, but in very practical terms, they will do the same sort of
backhanded act as the "sneaky" one.... except that they simply have no idea WHY they did it.
This is where behaviorism becomes interesting. Looking at the actions people do, the results they get repeatedly, and simply concluding that the
original intent was to get that result. Whether it is "oops, I didn't mean to do that" (sincerely) or "haha, that worked exactly as I planned".
There is no real difference in the objective world. Only one person gets to believe themselves innocent and good (albeit a bit clumsy) and the other
gets to be aware of their skills in strategy and emotional manipulation.
Doesn't mean either is missing the other part, only that they are desiring to see only one side of their own being, and pretend someone else is the
I will tell you that when my man, or even one of my sons, is struggling with some internal conflicts, with ambivalence, I sometimes CHOOSE
(consciously) to help him out by becoming possessed of one side for him. The side that is not the one he wants to identify with. This frees him to
He wants to do something, but is scared also? I will be scared for him, and he can try to calm my fear, or make me feel safer, and also suddenly feel
lack of fear in himself and go forward.
He feels angry at someone but also wants to collaborate with that person on a project, feeling stuck in between those feelings?
I will become angry at the person, and he will defend them, try to convince me of their ultimate goo dnature and misunderstandings, and suddenly feel
relieved of that blockage to their cooperation.
This is something that happens in relationships a lot.
Life is just a stage, we are only players. Hopefully, at the end of the day, you can remember to take off the costumes and see each other as whole
again- a big mix of masculine and feminine, positive and negative, light and dark.