Rescuer

Another piece of my Panhandle Imagined. The most vivid and life changing of my earliest memories.

I was five years old and living in a Naples, a small town in the panhandle of Idaho. My father worked for the Great Northern Railway on the Signal Gang and was often away from home for weeks at a time. He was an alcoholic, just like his father and his two brothers. It was during one of his weeks away that I was awakened to the sound of sobbing coming from the living room. I got up out of bed and found my mother sitting on the couch and my older brother standing in front of her begging her not to do it. She was sitting there with a shotgun under her chin and her thumb on the trigger.

I joined my brother in crying for our mother not to kill herself. I have never been able to remember what I was saying but I am sure it didn't contain any great words of wisdom about the importance of life and remaining strong during times of trial. I just remember begging furiously for her not to leave us with breath stealing and gut wrenching sobs .

I don't know how long we talked but she finally let my brother take the shotgun from her hands and he quickly ran outside and hid it behind the garage. I hugged my mother and felt her warm tears against my face and tasted their saltiness as I kissed her cheeks. I rocked her like a mother should rock her child. Somehow we had talked her back from the precipice but the child within me was fatally wounded that night. I would never again be able to see the world through the pure, innocent eyes of a child.

Mom had broken down under the continued pressure of my dad's absence and lack of support. She had already lived through having our power turned off, no food to eat and bill collectors harassing her. Dad would go out drinking with his fellow railroad workers and spend his paycheck on booze and send nothing home.

Later this event manifested in my life in many negative ways, not always clearly seen. It set in motion a life course I would follow till this day. For at this early age I learned that I needed to be a rescuer. I had to come up with a solution for each and every issue and no matter what, I must keep talking, for to stop talking would lead to a terrible ending.

It was with those heavy responsibilities on my shoulders we left Naples and moved to Oldtown, Idaho, where my father left the railroad and went to work in a sawmill and we settled into a more stable but not less stressful life.

reply to post by grayeagle


Wow. That was very moving my sweet friend. Had me in tears. I've experienced a lot of negative things growing up with two alcoholic parents... I had to grow up quicker than most. My lil sis had to do the same..which is just a shame imo.

But here's the thing... Every trial and tribulation we have to endure in this lifetime...only makes us stronger...

Darkness has been following me lately.. I'm trying to push it away.. It's just hard sometimes.

Thanks for sharing this heart wrenching story.. I know it must've been hard for you. Peace to you friend.
-nat

reply to post by natalia


I recognize now how those events set me on my course but I also realize that my life has helped others along the way. There was a time when I thought my efforts were just self serving but I came to realize that to whatever degree I helped someone survive was valuable and life giving. Some might accuse me of being an enabler but I have endeavored to help first and let God sort out the rest of it. I have become a better listener and don't feel the compulsion to fill every second of discourse with solutions.

I am familiar with the dark moments and I have found a place in my heart and mind where I find refuge and strength. I have come to the conclusion that sometimes we need to shield our inner child from the horrors of this world. We need to look at the beauty of the butterfly and listen to the wings of the humming bird. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Thanks for being my friend Natalia.

Hugs,

grayeagle

reply to post by grayeagle


That is indeed a sad story. I can just imagine now the horror of you and your brother trying to talk her out of pulling that trigger. My heart also goes out to you. It must have been sure hard for you all. Life does throw us all these challenges. Not all of them nice unfortunately. It does mould us into the people we are. I hope your doing well greyeagle ...

reply to post by TheDoctor46


Thanks Doc for your understanding and concern. I am writing these pieces as part of my memoir of life growing up in the Panhandle and creating a theme of how those situations and events shaped and formed my life. Although many things were negative some very positive things came out of them. The core issue I want to communicate is the power of imagination. It is through imaginations that I maintained hope and optimism. I hope by sharing the truth of that power others will be encouraged and find hope in their lives.

Peace my friend,

grayeagle

S&F from me, Greyeagle.

Blessings on the continued journey...


- AB