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“We wanted to lighten the atmosphere and make the inmates feel like they’re in a more rehabilitative environment,” said Sen. Pepper Onyah, who first introduced the idea. “The silly string reminds the inmates of a simpler time, and encourages them to just laugh off whatever was making them angry in the first place.”
Is this an April Fool's article?
“Nothing says badass like training wheels,” said Tornapants, “but we’re doing something innovative with our product. We’ve painted our training wheels black!”
“There’s no doubt that Officer Meyback can outswim, outrun, and out-cycle every cop on this department, but there’s also no doubt that he can’t shut the hell up about it,” growled Chief Chuck Stern.
“This is clearly a First Amendment violation,” said ACLU attorney I.M. Vulger, who practically swooned when she spoke about Meyback.
“Pat Meyback is an exemplary office — I mean, look at the guy, he’s just dreamy. You see those arms? Those buns? How could anyone with that muscle tone not talk about their amazing muscle tone? To limit his speech like this is uncalled for and unconstitutional.”
Upon arrival, inmates are offered a choice of a smoking or non-smoking cell, cotton or linen outfits, and a wider selection of footwear. In-custody inmates will also receive special perks whenever a former inmate re-offends and returns to the lockup – thus encouraging those outside the walls to stick to their good behavior.
“As long as the inmate is in good standing and has no rule violations, they get a coupon for free Commissary or more yard time,” Sheriff Bob Law explained. “The coupons don’t expire and inmates may use them at their convenience.”