Questions about MKultra Divisions, researchers, and the like.

reply to post by Onesmartrat


Back track and you will see you responded to yourself with this post.
You said " not all parents are knowing abusers, they are all monarch multiples. So all parents according to this statement are monarch multiplies.
Very telling that statement to turn the psycho babble tables on your words.
I don't find abuse funny. You however I find hilarious.

reply to post by WhiteAlice


Alice, it was just those kind of search results that made me believe that the program was just a fabrication of some sicko mind. I will try to find more credible sources to verify the existence of this program.

reply to post by spearcarrier


Those are all learned fears. Except the looking over the edge of any high space which goes back to instinctual fear of falling. For instinctual fears you have to examine the reactions of an infant. Those learned fears are taught pretty early on. Babies will cry at a loud noise. They do not like being held over someone's head though Daddy making a game of it changes that somewhat kind of like loving roller coasters. Controlled fear of falling. You have to learn that limbs can be severed. You have to learn about death. Those are not fears that come instinctively. Survival instinct are integral to the human psyche and are closely tied to the sense of pain in the very young. Later it's words but that only comes with language.

Onesmartrat
Hey whats the flag thing for anyway...I hit it a couple of times and nothing opens up....it just keeps a tally of how many times you hit it? This site has an odd format...compared to other sites...or perhaps its how it appears on cell???

Perhaps a 'friendly' could respond eh? Someone with a username I am not skipping posts of...like someone friendly and helpful, yeah?

Thanks.

Pro Libertate!

-OSR

edit on 27-3-2014 by Onesmartrat because: (no reason given)

The flag is for the thread itself. You can only give one. Stars are for individual posts and you can also only give one per post but you can star as many posts as you feel inclined to.
I'll also offer this but since I am using a tablet with all the bells and whistles of a PC my experience may be different from yours: At the top of the box containing the post you want to respond to there are three symbols. A thumb tack, a quotation mark , and a dialog balloon. If you want the post that you are responding to to appear with your response click or touch the quotation mark. Then the old post will appear in your posting screen. Scroll down to the end of the original post just past the word quote and begin your response. This makes both your response and the post you are answering appear in one box. It also allows you to 're-read the post your answering if it's long and you want to make sure you cover everything you want to cover. Hope that helps. Like I said I am on a tablet which though a mobile device may not be the same as using a cell.

AutumnWitch657
reply to post by spearcarrier

 

Those are all learned fears.

Yes, but they're what I found. My Google tends to return filtered results (proven to the shock of my friends and husband) so although I tried I couldn't find the list of fears you mentioned before. I was real curious about them, but alas.

AutumnWitch657
I don't find abuse funny.

No, it's not in the least. It's a sad matter in this world that you and WhiteAlice even have similar tales to share here on the board, or even in private. Not all abuse is a matter of monarch programming, either. It can be generational, but I've seen it picked up not from family but from friends. It's just that some human behavior is learned, even subconsciously.

reply to post by AutumnWitch657


I never could raise a hand to my mother no matter what she did. I just learned what negated her behavior or brought her back under control. When I had my own car, I started a routine of running to it and locking myself in with the hazards on and leaning on the horn with the garage open wide. One time, I made the mistake of leaving the window down and when she thrust herself through the open window to claw at my face and throat, I started rolling it up til she pleaded with me to let her loose. Never made that mistake again. I was so fearful of becoming like her though that the rage I felt, I directed at myself. I broke a finger punching a brick wall when I was 16 and deliberately hid the damage. That deformed knuckle serves as a reminder to me to this day about how anger and violence combined, no matter how justified, only serves to hurt oneself in the end. I'm a super pacifist with mad evasion skills as a result. My mother was the only person to get that pass. Others that tried to physically harm me ended up getting physically subdued pretty darn quick.

My mother tries the best friend routine as well. She's quite the narcissist but for her, illness was weakness. She made sure to scar me for life against doctors when I was younger. She took me to a doctor who was one hell of a creep and told him that she wanted to make sure that I never "played sick" again before walking back out the exam room door. She had a real knack for finding bad people. It's really like she knew her own kind. Sounds like both of our mothers were total narcissists. I'm so sorry that you grew up in Hell, too.

Never even been to Alaska actually. My mother was a base brat so they moved all over the US. The leak was concerns about getting cancer from radiation exposure. She'd just watched one of her friends die from cancer in the military hospital and was ordered by the doctors to not even tell the woman that she was dying or that she had cancer. It made my grandmother afraid of both developing cancer from radiation exposure and that they would cover it up. My grandfather was and had been involved in atomics for over a decade at that point. She may have gotten the last laugh though. She chose to die of salivary cancer instead of being saved. Salivary cancer has really only one "normal" cause--chewing tobacco, which she never did. The other is radiation exposure. After my grandfather retired, he'd rage about how they were all treated like guinea pigs as more and more of his retired peers were dying from cancers or complications thereof. He said that the causes of death were often listed as being a complication without reference to the cancer. Not sure if that's true or not but he was definitely incensed about the whole thing. I sometimes really wonder if that's why my grandmother denied treatment for hers.

MK-ULTRA was absolutely real. There are old news reports discussing it as well as 60 Minutes type shows now online that discuss it and interview both victims and researchers. NY Times was the paper that blew it wide open, which is why they host it. It's one of the feathers in their cap along with Watergate and COINTELPRO, iirc.

reply to post by Onesmartrat


I never "worked with you". Like I've said a few times already, I contacted you out of curiosity and rapidly dropped that contact after the exchanges deteriorated. I cannot even imagine what it must be like to live in your world, OSR. Do I hate you? No, not even. I actually worry about you. I do not doubt for one second that terrible things occurred to you as a child regardless of who did what. I believe that absolutely. Where I hold concern for others is your penchant for wanting to place everyone you encounter within the parameters of your worldview. We're either victims or handlers with very little in-between.

Thinking about it, I can understand that desire or need as I, too, suffer from that feeling of being utterly alone due to my circumstances. It's part of being abused as a child, which sets one apart from so many on its own due to severely differential experiences. When it's compounded by the truly aberrant, it only makes that sense of terrible isolation worse.

The difference between you and I is that I choose prudence in interpretation. I'm fully aware that I am not looking at the full picture of my life. In many ways, it's like sticking one's hand into a puzzle box without looking and pulling out a few pieces. Trying to figure out what that puzzle depicts based off a few handfuls is next to impossible, let alone trying to figure out tone or intent. I chose to hold off on interpretation until I had enough pieces to be able to make reasoned conclusions through inference and evidence. Objectivity is incredibly important in matters such as these as it does mean one's entire life. If I had "worked with you", then look at what you would have had me believe. It would've been flat out wrong. The only person who is really going to know me is me--not anybody else.

I hope you find healing someday, OSR. I really do.

reply to post by kwakakev


"Why is it that some information can be shared between different alters and some information cannot?"

This question is a good one. The answer to it can be witnessed right here in the analogue reading of this thread.

Why is it that some information can be shared between individuals on this topic but some cannot? Well, at least cannot be done without the individual who dares speak outside the prescribed parameters (in this case prescribed by a group of individuals posting concurrently on this thread) is then subject to a litany of ....verbal attacks on character and personal motives...questioning and assertions of mental instability...continual baiting into bickering over minutia such as deliberate misquoting or misrepresentation of what was said....threats ( as we saw with the handler inserting the word 'eulogy' into a string of mind control linguistics)....and ongoing marginalization and diminuization of the 'targetted' individual....all in an effort to shut down the taboo topic or area of discussion that is ...well....basically 'forbidden knowledge'.

You have to look at it like this...the internalized world of a Monarch Multiple is organized in much the same manner as the structure of the interaction on this thread. Alters...are self-identified with inculcated beliefs as well as having been subject to those others it operated with ' in- field'....catch my drift? In other words...different Alters existing as different 'parts' of mind and body (via trauma fragmentation) consciousness have varied and differing sets of beliefs and ideology dependent of course on exactly who these Alters served. Not all alters served the same masters once the Monarch Multiple went 'operational'. Plus you also must understand that these alters....many of them....individually took national security oaths. I know I did. Now having said that because I know this will be taken out of context as so many of the other things I have said here have, I want to emphasize that just because an individual is administered a national security oath, that neither makes it legal or official. That it certainly wasn't legal is obvious due to the fact that a brainwashed person...who is essentially a child...or even as an adult does not have the capacity to take such an oath and of course it was done under coercion. Thr fact that it is not official meaning that it is not documented means squat to the whole point of why it was done with Monarch Multiples to begin with....its done as a psychological ploy...a form of psychological manipulation on any given Alter who may be exposed...who is ALWAYS exposed to 'secrets'...goverment or otherwise...that they want to keep 'contained' from public knowledge.

So the model within replicates the model externally. That there are also amnesiac 'partitions' between the Alter states is a given....which what I was discussing last night regarding the brainwave feedback....well...okay a 'part' was discussing it in a manner akin tovan associated memory...which I think might have been confusing for most here so I am going to have to revisit that subject.
The alters were already being created before the brainwave 'biofeedback'.....they were not created via biofeedback.....but they (the controllers) used EEG mapping and biofeedback to do several things including reinforcing the amnesiac barriers between alter states.....and be aware alters are nothing more that a set of state-dependent memories AND an inculcated set of beliefs and ideology that is also 'state-dependent' ....meaning that that particular set or history belongs exclusively to that state of consciousness...oh and I forgot to mention training and education as well....such as special sills and knowledge that is completely excusive to that state to which a 'self-identity' has been created. This is what the Bourne Identity ....the novel by Robert Ludlum was all about....which a previous poster brought up here...apparently in jest according to her at least,but when I asked if she knew what Ludlum's source material was for that novel...she had no clue apparently just saying basically "ofcourse, I read the novel" or something similarly irrelevant to my question.

Anyhow...getting back to the question at hand. I don't know how much you know about the internal mechanics of all this...? I have tried to explain some of it here...but withvall the distraction and what not...I am not sure how clear it came across. The problem is one of trying to explain what was done and why and howball at the same time...and that information is not all coalecsed in one neat little package for me....it sits in nested layers of alter - states...and not all of them are good either at typing or of grammatical rules of thumb.....and some are just ALL thumbs!

Anyway...I will discuss certain specifics in next post. The issue with that discussion will be around MKULTRA-cover projects....which what the alter-state was describing via associated memory last night in previous post.

Those types of memories were extracted without formal hypnosis just so you know....using techniques and protocals both taught to me by others but also by my own efforts innovating them and adding new ones.....and by something else. That 'something else' appears to show up in SOME Monarch Multiples and not in others for some reason. It must be obvious reading this thread for those that have open and discerning thinking processes, that while all Monarch Multiples were created in the same manner foundationally at least via trauma and torture...not all appear to have been able to breach the amnesiac barriers to the deeper levels of the 'programming' and have stopped at the more 'shallow' levels thinking they can fully know some things for certain...well...containment by TPTB plays a role...a major role of course....but there appears to be sonething more that differentiates the ones that can penetrate the barriers early on and glance far deeper....and here it comes....far deeper down the 'rabbit hole' ( sorry...coukd not resist THAT programming reference!)

Okay...enough for now.


To be continued....

Well....I fiiiiinally found the icon that lets one post without quoting someone else.....hooray!

This will be a brief sidenote of sorts. One clarification needs to be made. While I try to go back over my post when I am able to...when I have time....on this device I am using, which is a handheld cellphone touchscreen keypad....recently aquired by the way, I often cannot do that BEFORE I post because once a certain amount of text fills up....and that does not take very long...I cannot effectively scroll up and down on screen as one would do while editing and making corrections on a normal monitor and keyboard. Because of that...I have to post it online...and THEN go back in and try to correct whst I can....but even then I can only go so far down the screen and I end up also losing text at the end of post for some odd reason due to this format. Then there are times I have inadvertantly lost chunks of content mid paragraph to which trying to correct can also cause problems of lost text at end of post because I just can't physically get to it to rewrite it.....floating screen etc. Then the four hour editing limit...well all combined you can see the result in some of my posts with run on words and typos and mispells. I apologize if this makes for awkward reading.

I figure the intelligence quotent....barring a few examples here and there ...of those who are reading this ( and I know a lot more are reading than posting) is high enough that peeps will make out what I am saying despite existing errors. Mostly. But on occassion wgen I reread my posts to look for errors in which a major gap has occurred in either cohesiveness of thoughts expressed or a problem with editing....I take note and if I think its important enough for correction in a later post...I do so.

Whew...all that explanation! The primary reason I explain all this is that obviously as observed by those reading but not posting....is that there are people here whose primary agenda with me is to pick apart any such minutia and use it as a way to invalidate and marginalize what I am saying....WHY they are doing this...well, that's another post. But for now,it's important for me to explain why there's these errors to begin with for thse people to use against ne as their 'evidence' of the invalidity of the CONTENT or the SUBSTANCE of what I am saying in any given post....and because they are not capable of challenging me on substance....not capable for a number of reasons I won't go into...and no I am not putting them down...I am just stating a fact...a fact born out by evidence of their own posts responding to mine.

Point I am making is there may be mistakes....errors of editing etc....that might be confusing to read or call up questions about what I said that makes no sense because of my limited posting ability due to the tech I am using. Therefore, I invite any of you readers to ask me anything that might have come up that has caused either confusion or not fully understanding about whst I was trying to make clear in my posts.

Of course...I will only respond to civil and respectful discourse from those whose intention is to understand and not to use as a means to discount everything I have posted on this.....or any other thread.... on this subject matter.


Thanks!

Than


Pro -Libertate!

-OSR

reply to post by spearcarrier

.....doing a search using the words Rubiks cube and MKULTRA?

There is no MKULTRA program with Rubiks cube in the title....at least none that I know of....I MADE IT UP as a metaphoric analogue(...do you know what a metaphoric analogue is ???....)as a substitute for the Chess Cube programming within the Monarch Programming bag of tricks.

I said that in the post....the one that you must have obviously read ....even though you aren't reading my
posts anymore....right?

Please....do yourself a favor. Reread Cathy O'brien's story again since she's a personal hero of yours. She also claimed to be intergenerational Monarch Programmed AND was a participant in MKULTRA according to her own testimony in this regard. I have the same history
....well not exactly.....my father was a Monarch but not a knowing pedophile handler like Cathy O'brien's.....and there are other differences as well...but we are both Monarch Programming survivors and we were both used in MKULTRA as children. But you think I am whatever but telling the truth....or you can't read my posts and you certainly aren't benefitting from them if you spending your time doing word searches on metaphoric analogues that I say I am using as a subsitute for something else!

Please stop wasting your time doing this....really. My postings here are obviously not going to help you and I am sorry about that but I realized a long time ago I can't help everyone. If what you are doing doesn't work....try something different.

I wish you the best.

Good Luck.

Pro Libertate!

-OSR

reply to post by WhiteAlice


I am responding to you in here because I responded to you regarding this post on another thread.


You are right...you never worked with me....I worked with you. As far as you not being able to put all the 'puzzle pieces' together ...thanks...that's a nice programming reference. You don't want to know what really happened to you...you want to blame me instead for trying to 'make you believe' what happened to me happpened also to you....yet even on the other thread way back then....you did the same thing. You claim you don't know all the answers ...but at the same time...you just KNOW...it wasn't Monarch Programming. It was all just MKULTRA ...and you have to frame MKULTRA as NOT being Monarch Programming despite the fact that its not only me saying I went through MKULTRA myself AND have MONARCH Programming....and so did a lot of us...including Cathy O'brien...who was mentioned previously in this thread.

I worked with you to try to navigate you towards the truth of your experience....not mine. I did not bring you onto mind control threads and make you post the stuff you did...nor did I insist you interact with me. I was posting the same kind of stuff I post here....you were reading it all. Exactly what were you curious about? Me? I was and am an open book. I had a lot going on at that time...I was under alot of fire on that thread....and in my personal life.I had a lot of people asking for my help. That you got scared and jumped ship before anything substantially evident for you ...well....sorry but its not instant success.....this kind of stuff takes time....and yes...what you call 'deterioration' is also called decompensation and resistance...a normal part of the process...transference is very common between multiples....especially Monarch Multiples. But you had a very reactive defensive 'untrusting ' attitude right off the bat...and internal oppositional forces that started to promote obstruction and derailment of any process designed to bring you out of the dark. I cannot work miracles and you seem to think that I should have done one of them on you. No one can find the truth for you....but they can help you navigate there. You just did not like where your truth was taking you....sorry...that's the nature of what you seek: real truth is ugly and inconvenient.

You can believe whatever you wish to....but there is a reason you still "by far" don't know ( want to know) all of what happened to you. Perhaps if you HAD stuck in there when I was trying to work with you....well, maybe you would now know "far" more.

But that was your choice; NOT mine.

Maybe some day you will find the personal fortitude and courage to take the path you avoided. It won't be me working with you....but maybe you will be lucky a third time and Providence with provide you with another opportunity for self-growth and self-awareness of your own past...and present.

But I wouldn't count on it.

How often does lightening have to strike you anyway to get you to wake up out of your trance of denial?


Pro Libertate!

-OSR

reply to post by kwakakev


Finally got back in here to finish what I started. You had asked about emotions and how they play a role in terms of Monarch Mind Control...and that's really what we are talking about here...and why children were a big part of MKULTRA.

What was done, was done to traumatize the child into the most extreme (ULTRA) state of dissociation possible while still keeping the child alive and in the body (short of OBE's or NDE 's.....but these too were initiated by programmers when the child had already developed
these state-dependent 'alters'). Therefore, if a child would start crying or screaming....they would 'turn up' the torture. Any kind of emotion was forbidden and was punnished by further torture. The reason for this is obvious: emotions are associative experiences....they tend to put the person right into a more 'present' state of awareness....physical awareness as well. Now I must say all this with a caveat; there were occassions after the initial stages of shock and then complete amnesiac dissociation was reached, then there would be times when the programmer actually wanted to elicit certain emotions....but only negative 'reflective' emotions such as intense anger and hate. This would be done as the child was a little older ....and it was because these emotions are repressive in nature. They would elicit these emotions and then give the child more torture or trigger them into their alter state....and then repeat this several times....so the child would become habituated to a repressive cycle of anger and hate....and then dissociate to get relief. In this way...along with the same response to physical torture/pain....the child would also be conditioned to cycle in and out of repressive emotions....negative emotions ...and back into dissociation. This would create in the child a habitual 'addiction' to dissociation. This kind of dissociative pathology is par for the course with Monarch Multiples.

Learning to associate into your life experiences....into your past is a part of how a Monarch Multiple can become co-consciouness. The first step is to notice when you dissociate in daily life...not just the big dissociations....like missingtime episodes or gaps in your memory ....but the smaller ones like when you feel foggy or spaced out....no all there. Bring yourself back into your present awareness by feeling the sensations in your body....noticing your breathing....notice if there are any emotions. You can follow the thread of even the smallest emotion back through time and just notice where it leads you in terms of a memory....or if triggered it may lead you inside to a visual icon...or an auditory sound ir phrase.

Practicing noticing your own pathological dissociation and reassociating back into your body and into a focussed state of awareness into the present can begin to train yourself to become co-conscious with your alter states. Plus...if you are accessed again...and again....you may be able to porpose up from your dissociated state into present state long enough to notice what is going on around you before you go back into dissociated trance. The more you do this, the more likely you will have some recall...and it will happen sooner after you were 'accessed'. You will become co-conscious with the alter who was accessed and with that you will begin to have access to that alter's life memories...which you also share.

But first you must make rapport within.
By the way...K...did you check your PM Message here yet?


I hope this helps answer your question on emotions and why they are dangerous in the initial programming process as well as later on when you use them to find the truth of your past....and present.

Good Luck to you.

Pro Libertate!

-OSR

read the first few pages then skipped to the end to reply.

this (mostly)passive aggressive bickering is ridiculous. how long can it go on. you all seem intelligent and focused. lets focus on healing ourselves, not arguing and accusing. OK? If we need Justice, it is Just-us. Hehe, do you like that? I doubt I made that up.

point is - everyone is a threat. even us, to ourselves, in some ways, sometimes. Some people in a physical suicidal way, some in a mental self destructive behavior way, some with a 'sub'-command to turn and crash while driving at high speeds - once you have defected.

OK, SO. It is obvious how 'complicated' the whole situation is.

I have been sorting things out for myself for a while now, and it can be a very bumpy road.

So many factors to sort through… I see there are a few MC/RA/SRA/MKULTRA/MONARCH/DUMB-ME (MARIONETTE) whatever you want to call it defector/survivor/victim/handler(lol)/bull#ters/etcetcetc…

Surely we can all help each other in a more productive manner.

Can we take this a step back and share some simple techniques etc etc.

DISCLAIMER - DO NOT TRY ANY OF THESE METHODS JUST SHOWING EXAMPLES I DO. MAYBE WE CAN LEARN FROM EACH OTHER EH>?

I see all this anti-hypnotic talk which I agree with mostly.

However, some people, who have had intensive spiritual 'programming' (occult path working really) may benefit from certain techniques. I achieved massive integration by abreacting/flashbacking/regressing myself to a divination ritual. If you know what a divination ritual is, you would understand the 'magnitude' of this.

The speaking in 3rd to 1st person in the mirror into one eye at a time, and then with your eyes crossed locking on to focus when the two eyes meet into the middle to form one. It is like looking at those old 3d pictures in the newspaper. Anyway you speak 3rd to 1st person to mimic the experiencing then adopting and exhibiting behavior. Use this to remove wernicke's commands that the white coats and black hats put in there.

This did this to me, with candles lit, in the mirror yes (both signify transference) and they would whisper 3rd to 1st person, softer, and softer, until I didn't know if they were still whispering, or if it was me repeating it in my head. At which point, I was actually programming myself, and adopting this subconsciously. Because they had put me in such a traumatized state before I was to 'face the mirror'.

Ok, I put up several 'trail tracker' cameras around the house, and the property. Even if someone comes, or my alters sabotage, it is always obvious once you have so many and you see the pattern.

I know I am going off on something not really exactly what you posted about, but you all seemed to just be arguing anyway. haha.

I am not 'deprogrammed' all the way, but I do have extensive knowledge, and am/WAS quite upper echelon despite my tender young age of approx. 28. This makes me privy, and helpful. At least sometimes.

If you ever need help, or want to talk etc etc or have questions, I will provide the support I can.

[email protected]

I really want to read this 8 pages and see what this was all about whitealice and onesmartrat.
you both interest me. i need some bright minds to help me with this problem i got, lol. First, I have to figure out why this annoying platform won't let me post a new topic

a reply to: Apoceclipse

20 posts til a new member can post a new thread and it's most likely a deterrent against automated spam.

I agree with actually going through abreaction. It is beneficial, albeit painful, and the way I see it, it basically ties the memory/flashback back to oneself as a part of oneself through both recollection and emotional ties. Otherwise, you just end up with a bunch of snapshot images without feeling, which is not exactly progress. Without the emotion, there is a lack of understanding of the situation being recalled, itself, and its impact. Another thing that I tried doing was writing with both hands. It sounds strange but writing with both hands, including independent and concurrently, actually assists in reintegration as it basically forces segregated portions of the self to work together.

Had to laugh a little at the "just-us" and the reference to probably not making that up. I know how that goes. It's sad when you can actually track different things in your head as having an external source and not even recalling learning them. Whether the phenomena exists through "programming" or simply forgetting that one learned it through amnesia, it's still an unnerving experience. My personal favorite was the beginning of a riddle, which I forgot was a riddle and an old Anglo-Saxon one at that. I've spent some time tracking down different little phrases and whatnot that have cropped up for decades simply to just find out from whence they came so to speak. Found just about all of them.

a reply to: WhiteAlice

Yeah I actually love, and am empowered, by processing a 'revivification' through my crown.

I guess they named a 'fragment' the hebrew word meaning compartment of wrath. This fragment is used as a 'psychic drive' or 'battery' or 'fuel cell' for my alter 'Grey'.

This 'compartment of wrath' is obviously all the bottled up rage. So that means that this fragment (or group thereof) holds all the emotional memories, but it does not hold the actual visual memories, as far as I can tell, lol.

So, I try to abreact this bottled upness, and process half of it through my crown, and through that processing I understand, and forgive, and draw it back down through the crown, this time bottling this very energy up as love, since it was processed.

FYI, I only process half of it so I have storage of both seeing as they both have their uses. Misplaced rage may be wicked, but sometimes one has to play momma bear. (Although momma bear does not apply to me exactly considering I am male, I thought this was a just example. haha)


how dangerous does that sound, haha. ok I am close to 20. Sorry for de-railing (

a reply to: Apoceclipse

I'm actually rather similar. I will have what I call "blind" flashbacks where it seems to be everything but sight and, alternatively, snapshots. That was early on though. Now I have both sight and feeling to what I recollect. I credit the writing thing with that actually because that's the one thing that I did that seemed to shift things, as it were. I always knew that I could write with both hands. I just never thought to try writing different things with both hands at the same time. I mentally order the tasking with "I'll do this" (right hand) and "you do that" (left hand). It's actually a pleasant activity to boot. The only thing unpleasant about it was when I "signed" one of my pictures. There was my name written by my right hand and an ugly small scrawl by the left. Not going to lie, I did it repeatedly 60 times, same scrawl with the left hand. It read "owl". It was pretty chilling to me because I remembered having pictures of owls in my room that I hated and were finally removed when I was 13. To see my left hand scrawl that particular word was deeply unsettling.

I was diagnosed as being dissociative with diffuse dissociative amnesia that basically obliterated the first 12 years of my life. One of the things that was looked for in me was the potential of DID; however, it was dismissed because I reported no loss of time (outside of the monster sized amnesia). There was only one event, in response to crisis, where I went into a fugue state but that was it. I had been parked in a fetal position for so long that my joints were stiff and I was chilled. I had been gone for about 3 hours but the stiffness of my joints pretty much assured that I just parked it in a safe place and vegged. The last thing I remembered was running towards the small spot of forest and then getting up. That one event was not enough to diagnose DID. The only curiosity that ever came up was having double brainwaves on an eeg during the strobe light phase of the test. That, apparently, can happen with DID patients if triggered and I've always had issues with flashing lights.

In my case, I suspect that I "put myself away" on lockdown to survive what I did as a child. I definitely don't motor around without my awareness so, if I did sever myself from myself, then it was simply a total shutdown. I do have "states" that I bounce between depending on the event (crisis, trauma) but I can almost always recollect. It's like shifting from the driver's side to the back seat. I'm still looking out the window but I'm not behind the wheel. The one time where I have no recall, I simply lose consciousness for about 15-20 minutes, like going to sleep.

Dissociative disorders are on a spectrum so my guess is that I'm a few hairs away from being totally disintegrated. Because I'm not fully disintegrated, it's made it actually fairly easy to reconnect back up. My only questions about the whole things is how (if applicable), why, and (if deliberate) who. One of the subjects that I have looked into is positive disintegration where the seeming objective was to basically create a self-actualized individual. The closest I've come to finding deliberate pushing into crisis in a child was Gowan, which I mentioned on the other thread. No great surprise but the child in question entered into what was described as a "not-me" state and was fully dissociative.

I tend to dismiss much of the stuff found readily on the net because, quite frankly, that stuff can be readily found on the net. Do you remember the concepts behind strange loops? There is something underneath it all. There is always a nugget of truth in any good lie but those things that strike closest to the truth tend to disappear from the net.

I was starting to try the writing thing a while ago. I will go back to it as well. I have several L/R brain stimulation games I play, as well as a drill I do.

I put my hands together like praying hands, then let them seperate a couple inches apart, but still lined up. Then I move one clockwise while the other counter-clockwise and reverse. All while keeping them parallel. This is also an energy gathering movement.

I am going to the writing thing. I have been getting into the art etc. Very helpful.

While I don't have trouble accepting the trauma, torture, indoctrination, etc... I do have trouble opening myself up to let the young parts break down and cry about it. hahah

a reply to: Apoceclipse

I've always been ambidextrous but I have to say that being able to actually write different things at the same time really blew me away. Never knew I could do that until I tried. It felt pretty darn good other than the creep out factor with the name signing. I don't have a whole lot of trouble accepting that I was very traumatized as a kid. I was diagnosed as dissociative when I was 16 so it came with the territory. It was pretty obvious that there was going to be some seedy and dark stuff buried in my psyche.

The only thing that surprised me was that it wasn't quite as simple as I thought it would be. I expected run of the mill child abuse but got more than I bargained for. I found out that certain points of my life were outright lies perpetrated by my parents and I've taken them to task for many of those points. Eventually I will be doing a DNA test to assure that they are my parents. The things that I've found that are closest to the truth in regards to me as a child, I leave simple. 1. There was no one to save me. and 2. Too many chefs spoiled the stew. That's sobering.