reply to post by AutumnWitch657
You know, I'm not even sure. My mother was stunned by his response and the last time she talked about it, it still really upset her. He was very
paranoid at the time about what his family knew because there had just been an incident that was viewed as a security leak from within the family
already with drastic outcome. Both his career and wife were impacted by that one. He had been in SAC for over a decade previously. And you're
right--WACS was just a way to improve Alaska's telecommunications for both civilian and military. That's the part of the story that really
highlights his fear of security leaks. He slapped her and freaked out for nothing really. It was in the midst of a fall out from having had a
perceived security leak within the family. His career and standing in the military were everything to him and he was a perfectionist. As my dad once
astutely put it, there was no difference between civilian and military for my grandfather. He was the kind of man that, if he saw a young man
misbehaving on the street in town, he'd order them to stop, drop and start doing push ups. Now imagine being raised by that. I've talked to many
within the military about how it was for me as being just his granddaughter and they found what he did as shocking. A kind of juiced up and intense
family of the Fortress. I still can't make a bed so I can bounce a quarter off of it but I can't sleep in a bed that isn't tightly made either.
I'm so sorry that your mom was a candidate, too. I'm barely tipping into recalling abuse. My recollections have so far been clipped. Hiding from
her and in a panic, trying to figure out what to do, and then her coming in with her face all twisted with rage. Then it just clips out and off. The
closest I've come to recollecting physical harm was completely without sight. Her coming in, face twisted, reaching for me and then vision went but
I could hear myself screaming and being thumped hard against the wall. Even when I was older, she had a real thing for throwing me into
things--walls, furniture, home decor. She was cautious about leaving marks on the face. She screwed that up one time and CPS showed up that evening
as I was always the kind of kid who would just answer a question. That latter bit was usually what got me into trouble, lol. I never could learn to
keep my mouth firmly shut. I wasn't a smart ass or anything like that.
Sometimes I wish I had issues with anger. A lot of times, I don't feel human at all. Just nothing going on emotionally. Hence why being able to cry
is such a big deal for me.
I'm not fond of brain entrainment, lol. I was in TAG and in middle school, they were running little brain entrainment experiments on me where I'd
be listening to some wobbly classical music with weird tones in it while free writing. I never liked the way that it made me feel afterwards. It's
part of what compounded the "no safe quarter" feeling in me. Go home, get beaten and psychological abuse. Go to school, get headphones stuck on my
head and have ye olde brain scramble. Part of my "scar tissue" is I cannot do anything that muddles my brain. Clarity at all times for me--no
alcohol (1 drink max, slow to "fit in"), no drugs, no nothing that makes my brain feel scrambled. Even a slight buzz causes a lot of anxiety and
panic. I'm a whole lot of fun, lol.
I'm not aging much either though--go figure. Never thought it might be the wobbly Mozart. Going to be 45 this year and my eldest frequently gets
mistaken for being my brother. People get embarrassed asking me my age as my youngest is older, too, so their guestimate would make me a very young
pre-teen mom, which doesn't jibe with how they seem me socially either. I confuse people. I've always attributed the lack of fine lines as being a
combination between autism and dissociative--not a whole lot of expression going on. Ergo, no worry lines, no laugh lines, no nothing.
What I've been doing with some success has been locating and listening to former favorite music. I realized after accidentally stumbling on a former
favorite band on a tv show, lol, that I was missing some once dearly loved belongings, including music. I tested my theory against my collection of
45s and year of release and it was glaringly and statistically obvious. What my mother did with me was incredibly psychologically abusive and smart.
Recollection comes from the senses--touch, sight, sound, smell plus oral exchange with others to shore up the recall. Every object or bit of music I
loved was taken from me at the time of a move and the past was strictly forbidden in discussion. She basically reset my environment entirely,
utilized it to strip my room of all but the furniture, and even stripped the family photo albums of old photos save a couple of baby photos. I could
go on at length about that and how I am certain she did it willfully and knowingly. Should explain why I'm digging for music though. That's where I
will have the strongest associations being built as I've always been intensely musical and it's readily obtainable, thanks to the internet.
I am the product of whacked.