A confession of gratitude to "Her".

So I have been waiting to post this.

I have been waiting for a time when my head was clear or at least a little more clear. I was waiting for a time when I could relate my experience with you in the hopes that it can teach some of you something. I was still learning. "She" was still part of me.

I have been happily married for over 8 years now. I am 30. I was told that I would eventually cheat since I married at such a young age. I defied all the words of wisdom I heard. In a way I still do. I havent yet slept around. I did have an affair though. If that makes sense.

My wife and child are in another country. I have been alone now for almost 8 months. Thanks US immigration, its been interesting.

anyways, I am a faithful, lonely husband. I embrace personal honor and take any oaths or vows very seriously.

So, I met this woman at work. A coworker. We started out as friends. I have great, very close, good friends. Brothers in fact. I just havent been able to spend time or talk with them in about...8 months. Work has consumed me. I am building something. Work keeps my mind focused since all I have is an empty little dirty apartment to go home to.

This woman and I spent allot of time together. She was recently divorced and had moved here about 8 months ago.

Things started out pretty hostile though. I think we kind of disliked each other right away. We were attracted to each other and had VERY compatible personalities. We knew the situation of each others lives and how complicated things were for us. It only frustrated us greatly instead of discouraging us from following instinct. We were drawn to each other. Not even physically, though we were attracted to each other. It just felt good to be with her. Instinct. So not being able to express a deep feeling of warmth and appreciation because of social taboo, we resisted even talking to each other. Our eyes could not lie to each other. We were loving each other. Sexual tension built until we just happened to catch a drink after work. It was innocent. I think.

We just talked and lo and behold we hit it off. Now we only ever kissed after that first night where we first kissed. We only ever gave each other Pecks. I never had sex with her, though the relationship was sexual in the end. Thats all I can say.
We just held hands, gave back rubs, consoled and listened to each other, ran errands together, ate, watched TV, ect.

I would spend time at her place playing house. Putting up blinds, ceiling fans, cooking, opening jars for christs sake!

We would exchange advice on child care, health, happiness, life philosophies. We would give each other love. We, I at least, LOVED her. I do love her, even now after I have said good bye. Even now knowing I will never see this person again, I still miss her. I will continue to love this person who probably hates me for the rest of my life. I hope she doesnt hate me forever.

I know she will never speak to me again. I ended with a silence and she will repay me with the same token. I ended with a silence a day after I expressed my love to her in a letter with the luxury of detail and intent. I had written her a letter a thousand times saying good bye and always deleted or tore it up right after. I tried to quit her at first. I couldnt. Instinct took over. The only letter I wrote her and finally gave to her, was a proclamation of love. Then I left her. I dont yet understand this though it somehow makes sense.

We fought over something, nothing. She was having her worst day, I was planning a harder life for myself, we were in bad shape, I was venting, looking for a shoulder, and she didnt listen, she needed a shoulder, I felt alone. She was the way she was that morning from a combination of being really sick from a virus and the current state of her own life. It all boiled into a cold winter Monday morning where we saw the reality of each others mortality. We saw the flaw in humanity in each other. We werent lovers then. We were two people hurting. She was an unrestrained bitch. I became the biggest asshole possible.

The point is, we didnt fix it. We broke it. Both of us. We broke our hearts. Willingly.

It was so painful, yet revealing. We couldnt help it. Pain was our choice.

And that is the interesting part. I knew from the get go that an extramarital --what ever this non sexual,friend lover, fever was, I knew that it was going to hurt in the end.

Now I am hurting, but somewhere I also knew that I wouldnt mind. I dont mind. I actually thank her for making me feel something.

I loved and lost. I overcame my preconceptions and showed myself that it is possible to love two people at once. That once you have truly loved someone, that loving anyone is not hard. Your heart grows with each person that fills it and breaks it.

Missing anyone is very painful. I was starting to miss my wife and child so much. I didnt realize it then, but I was reaching a breaking point. My life was so void, so empty without them. It still is. They are still not here. Thanks US immigration.

The thing is I am able to miss them now, because I miss one more person now. This wonderful woman who I will never be with.

I love her. I miss her. I am now stronger and can miss my family. I can survive it better.

I dont know if all this woman got was a broken heart, or if she never really believed that she would end up with me. It was a now thing. A beautiful "now" moment.

I will always have her in my heart. I secretly thank her for making my heart bigger, stronger, harder to fill.

I love my wife. I never stopped loving my wife. This woman knew that.

I never lied to this woman. It is strange. I have lied and will always lie to my wife just by having this inappropriate relationship. I will always lie to her about it. With this woman, I have no secrets. I have no lies. She knows my wife exists. I never hid a single thing about my family or what I really feel about them.

She was ok with it. She said she knew that once my wife came here that everything would change. That she would evaluate where things were then. She just wanted to enjoy this moment, like me.

So now she is gone. I think she hates me. I just disappeared for a week a day after opening my heart to her. All over a fight we both secretly made and allowed to happen like some form of mercy killing. I sent her a good bye letter. Strange, yet it makes sense.

You never know anything. We dont know

Not about yourself. Not about people or a single person. Not about emotions or any particular psychology or mental trait. Human nature will always just elude us. We will never know jack about even that. Who we really are.

Just live
Get out there. Feel pain, happiness, jealousy, anger, sadness, madness, zen, joy, inner death
"Every time I look to joy, I see it drinking from the cup of sorrow." Or something like that.

Feel something. Dont let yourself grow cold inside. It should burn bright and hot inside you. "Passion" is not a way of thinking. It is a fever. A sickness. A glorious sickness that cures death like a disease. Live your lives and learn to see beyond loss and victory. See the everything through you. Use yourself to see hear and feel the world. Not just so that you survive. Live as to thrive.

Be the best you possible. The end result of who you were is what matters, not who you had to become and let die in your life to become him /her. Dont be afraid to change, or remain firm in anything. In fact never be afraid of anything or anyone.

Wow.....Deep

Life is crazy sometimes.

I hope things work out....it's "The Ides of March".

Things will get better.

I have to give you some applause... at least for your honesty here.

But I have to ask, Will you be ok keeping this a secret from your wife forever? I am honestly not trying to beat you up, I am curious is all. I am a woman and have been married for 17 years. I think if my husband had slept with a woman once... I probably would not want to know about it at all. If I did it to him, I am not sure I could forget about it so easily? If he did it and had "feelings", I think I would be crushed even more by that, than the act itself.

Do you think you will be ok knowing what you did and sleeping with that thought night after night while laying next to your wife?

Would you be ok if you found out your wife did the same thing while she was away?

Again... I am not being funny. I am trying to see it from your perspective and imagining myself in that situation.

I do hope everything works out for you, and you do get your wife and child home with you soon. I am sure they both would rather be at home with you, than alone in another country. Having someone and being lonely is a terrible thing.

So....let me get this straight....., and don't take this the wrong way, but this is what I just read out of all your flowing emotions....this woman you loved knew you were married and still allowed things to progress between the two of you? ....and instead of focusing on a way to reunite with your wife and child, you filled your lonely void in the arms of another woman.... then justified it all buy saying it s ok to love 2 women at once.....and now you've put this all out on ATS to get confirmation from others that what you have done is ok .....I'm sure some will Say it was ok, and some will say it's not. Ultimately you are the one who will have to live with your actions, however you chose to look at them....but let me ask you this....Does your wife know you had an affair?... And Would you be ok if your wife was with another man?

We are governed by our hearts and minds. Not by laws and vows and all that other stuff. We follow what we feel and what drives us.
I did the same after a long marriage and I am happier than I have ever been.
Go in peace and follow you heart.

reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe


well

I am pretty much squared away with the fact that I couldnt NOT forgive my wife for going through the same or similar situation.

I would forgive her, IF and this is the only factor, IF she still and always loved me and wanted to be with me.

I think telling her about this would only serve my own ego and self comfort. Sure I would feel great like a great weight has been lifted from my guilty conscience. SHE would be devastated. She would be asking herself questions from doubts I placed in her by revealing a concept she may not wish to learn.

That I loved another, yet still love her more every day that passes. That I never compared her. I never quantified her, or this woman. I truly loved them too much to disrespect them like that.

I can sleep and walk with a smile because I did not disrespect her. I know I did not. I love her too much to do that. I would rather suffer myself then have her endure anything but happiness. I live to love and make my wife happy.

She and my child are all that I am. All that I wish to be. This is it for me, and I couldnt be more satisfied then by being with her for ever. Growing old together, watching each other live.... and die one day. I will be there for it all. She will too.

We would get over it. I know she would reach the same conclusion as me if she went through something similar. We can still live after this. Thats why I love her. We are one.

I hope this helps. Thats why I am posting this. I am just some anonymous avatar. I just hope my experience can help someone understand a similar situation that they may be going through or help some one they know who is going through one.

I also needed to say this. This is as much for myself as it is public. It helps somehow.

reply to post by Meldionne1


sure.

and yes. I would forgive her. I could do that. Thats the point.

Love is bigger than the act of sexual penetration or fondness of company.

Its the ugly too. Thats the secret to lasting relationships, not just in marriage.

Being honest with yourself and so learning to truly be understanding of others.

Not for nothing, but I have never appreciated my wife and all that she is to me more than after I said good bye to this woman.

Reality is that life is both ugly and bad as it is beautiful and good. Loving someone is about accepting both....TRULY. Not because of a contractual obligation set out in a marriage LICENSE or by the exchange of trinkets or vows.

It is an act of living, loving and caring for each other. Everything else is a role we fill. Like some form of employment.

No.

I chose to live differently yes. I do not need justification. I am shameless. I have nothing to be ashamed of.

reply to post by tadaman


Having been a wife that was told, I would say it's better to not volunteer the information. To tell her, and try to stay together- she would have a lot of doubts to battle for a very long time. My mind goes crazy at times, because of my doubts. It's a kind of hell, if that makes any sense.

I am glad to hear that you picked your wife over this new love. I believe that too many people walk away when their heart feels something for someone new.

reply to post by tadaman


We can agree that it is best not to use her to assuage your own guilt. I do feel that many people do this and it is indeed.... a greedy thing to do IMO.

I understand the need to get it out in some way though. Again, I do sincerely hope you are reunited soon.

Meldionne1
So....let me get this straight....., and don't take this the wrong way, but this is what I just read out of all your flowing emotions....this woman you loved knew you were married and still allowed things to progress between the two of you? ....and instead of focusing on a way to reunite with your wife and child, you filled your lonely void in the arms of another woman.... then justified it all buy saying it s ok to love 2 women at once.....and now you've put this all out on ATS to get confirmation from others that what you have done is ok .....I'm sure some will Say it was ok, and some will say it's not. Ultimately you are the one who will have to live with your actions, however you chose to look at them....but let me ask you this....Does your wife know you had an affair?... And Would you be ok if your wife was with another man?

You silly little human being...

reply to post by tadaman




You have been making assumptions on behalf of both your wife and this other

woman.

The 'other woman' in all probability was already in 'deeper' emotionally than you gave

her credit for, but Hey .... assuage your conscience in any which way you want! make

yourself feel better!


And yes don't burden your wife with your guilt ..... Because are you really so sure

that she will forgive you? after all she will have been in the same position as you

lonely, devoid of touch contact and your love. And no doubt had the same

opportunity as yourself to seek consolation with another, but likely turned her back

on it due to the strength of her love and respect of you . . . .


For all your ramblings to cover your guilt it is not your wife, nor the other woman but

YOU who has devalued your marriage and broken the promises you made.

If you do tell your wife and she forgives you things will never be quite the same again

anyway . . .

tadaman

anyways, I am a faithful, lonely husband. I embrace personal honor and take any oaths or vows very seriously.

No, you're not, and no, you don't. You just proved it.

reply to post by eletheia


They are not really assumptions in so much as I take it that what this woman has told me is not a lie. I assume she has been an adult in communicating her feelings in a way that isn't based off secondaries and childish mind games.

And yes, to both yourself and the last poster. I cheated. What I meant by "I am a lonely faithful husband" is that I normally don't. This was new to me.

I am not justifying anything. I really dont care what people think of me. Most are retarded anyways. I especially don't care what anonymous avatars say about me. Even here on ATS where most aren't as retarded.

I could cheat all the time. My wife could as well. We both have our pick. We have always talked about people who would flirt with us. We aren't models, but we are both good looking healthy young people.

I have turned down MANY advances from other women. Most my wife would never find out about. I am sure she has too. And we have actually talked about cheating. We would forgive each other IF, and this is really it...IF we always and still loved each other and still wanted to be with each other. We are of the few young couples who don't run to divorce when things get hard. We have already been through some really bad times, not related to fidelity.... and we are stronger than ever.

I think its funny though. That women are the first to judge my situation. They are also the first to go through something like this. If anything pay attention and leave the preconceptions aside. Your son, husband, or grandson may go through this. Telling him he is simply wrong by social standards and taboo is asinine. If they cheat it won't be because of sex, though ultra feminists assure us that males are overly sexed and as a consequence are all dogs.

I am not deprived of sex. I choose my partner is all. Most relationships that have fidelity issues have almost nothing to do with sex. Or human contact.

Those things are a consequence of a healthy relationship or not.

So in short....don't judge first....and really....don't knock it until you try it.

It is not below you nor are you above it. Neither is your partner.

Try understanding human nature more so as to understand one more person.

That's all. And again. Yeah. I cheated. I am also not ashamed of a thing.

It was not disrespectful to my wife or this woman or myself. I am a shameless bastard if you say so. I just think I have nothing to be ashamed of.

If my wife ever found out, I would just tell her everything I said here. If she wants us to work out...cool. I will fight for it. If not, OK. We will always be part of each others lives because we have a child...so we will have to respect each other always. A good relationship is necesary.even if we break up one day... like it or not.

I will not lose sleep over it.

reply to post by tadaman




They really are assumptions, because you can't really know what goes
on inside another persons mind or their feelings .... You only know what they tell
you .... and you hear what you want to hear .... have you even considered
the 'other woman' could be broken up but does not want you to know how much
you have hurt her, she will be saving face, and trying to garner what self esteem
she has left.

However much you have discussed fidelity with your wife,, discussing is
hypothetical, it is not tangible till it actually happens ...... Then it is a whole
different ball game The lying (by omission if you don't tell her) The broken
trust if you do . . . . .

Your whole post screams "Its all about me, me, me.
* I am a lonely faithful husband . . . . LOL
* I am not justifying
* I really don't care
* I could cheat all the time ...it gets easier the first time is the hardest
* I have turned down many advances
* I think its funny women are the first to judge
* I am not deprived of sex
* I choose my partner
* Yeah I cheated .... (much beating of the chest)
* I am also not ashamed
* I have nothing to be ashamed of

Don't assume it was not disrespectful to your wife ... ASK her if you dare
and see just what she has to say??????

reply to post by eletheia

That is just absurd. First , we are responsible for ourselves. I would not know what she thought even if she were a formal partner in an official relationship. She would still have to bear the burden of responsibility for herself. She knew full well, as I did, the real truth about what we were doing. No one was coorced into anything.

Second,
Looking to the ethereal so as to define a situation is irrational. She may not like the emotional discomfort we both RISKED. We are in fact not going to die from it. Adults cope. Crap happens. Nothing is perfect, but you try. I have spoken with her since all this happened. We spoke with civility and consideration. We spoke our peace and are not enemies. She may be more or less hurt than me but honestly it is no more my problem than my own discomfort is hers.

You must be young or inexperienced with relationships so as to assume anyone was slighted. Also to blindly place "blame" where there is no loss to account for is underhanded. She may have instigated it all. What do you know.

Third,
You read my post and extracted facts so as to make a story to explain something you "know" is the case. You are looking for it.

What you could do is not look at the "emotion" I , YES I am feeling. Learn from what I am saying. Human emotion in all its broad spectrum reveals much about ourselves. Even if you renounced feeling out of cowardace veiled in taking the path of least resistance.

Of coarse its all about me. This is MY post telling of what I Learned and how / why. How I lived the situation is entirely independent of anything I post here about it. Most things I don't mention. I may have lost MUCH more than her. I sure as hell risked more than her. Maybe I sacrificed more than her. Maybe. Maybe it was even. What do you know.

Have you ever had an affair so as to judge? You just know its messed up and has no Grey like everything else in life? It is just wrong and I must be jumping through hoops mentally so as to find some respite from the hell I must have created...

Please.

reply to post by FraternitasSaturni


And why do you say that?

reply to post by tadaman




Assumptions again .....I am neither young nor inexperienced, and I could recount

tales which are unbelievable! and in context 'truth is stranger than fiction'

I personally have been very close to many situations, and have seen the results

of selfishness, lies, deception and broken trust on innocent parties.


No I don't know you, but your posts give a good idea, and if the other parties

concerned were to tell their sides I bet it would have a totally different slant

to yours!


In the end I am only able to 'extract' your facts given by you in your

posts . . . and its a very one sided tale


If you were female I would quote at you "Methinks the lady doth protest to much!"

reply to post by tadaman


Tadaman, sent you a u2u.
I've had trouble with mine going through, so I'm not sure if it made it to you or not.

tadaman
My wife and child are in another country. I have been alone now for almost 8 months. Thanks US immigration, its been interesting.

Why are you blaming the US gov't for your situation? Did they screw up paperwork ... or is your and your families immigration status of your own doing?

I am a faithful, lonely husband. I embrace personal honor and take any oaths or vows very seriously.

Obviously not. You cheated. You emotionally cheated knowing full well that you were 'playing house' with someone who wasn't your wife. So no .. you aren't faithful and you don't take vows seriously or this wouldn't have happened.

reply to post by tadaman


Wow, the most sincere and real thing I've read in ages.

Hits home too.

Thanks for putting this insight into words for me to relate to.