So I have been waiting to post this.
I have been waiting for a time when my head was clear or at least a little more clear. I was waiting for a time when I could relate my experience with
you in the hopes that it can teach some of you something. I was still learning. "She" was still part of me.
I have been happily married for over 8 years now. I am 30. I was told that I would eventually cheat since I married at such a young age. I defied all
the words of wisdom I heard. In a way I still do. I havent yet slept around. I did have an affair though. If that makes sense.
My wife and child are in another country. I have been alone now for almost 8 months. Thanks US immigration, its been interesting.
anyways, I am a faithful, lonely husband. I embrace personal honor and take any oaths or vows very seriously.
So, I met this woman at work. A coworker. We started out as friends. I have great, very close, good friends. Brothers in fact. I just havent been able
to spend time or talk with them in about...8 months. Work has consumed me. I am building something. Work keeps my mind focused since all I have is an
empty little dirty apartment to go home to.
This woman and I spent allot of time together. She was recently divorced and had moved here about 8 months ago.
Things started out pretty hostile though. I think we kind of disliked each other right away. We were attracted to each other and had VERY compatible
personalities. We knew the situation of each others lives and how complicated things were for us. It only frustrated us greatly instead of
discouraging us from following instinct. We were drawn to each other. Not even physically, though we were attracted to each other. It just felt good
to be with her. Instinct. So not being able to express a deep feeling of warmth and appreciation because of social taboo, we resisted even talking to
each other. Our eyes could not lie to each other. We were loving each other. Sexual tension built until we just happened to catch a drink after work.
It was innocent. I think.
We just talked and lo and behold we hit it off. Now we only ever kissed after that first night where we first kissed. We only ever gave each other
Pecks. I never had sex with her, though the relationship was sexual in the end. Thats all I can say.
We just held hands, gave back rubs, consoled and listened to each other, ran errands together, ate, watched TV, ect.
I would spend time at her place playing house. Putting up blinds, ceiling fans, cooking, opening jars for christs sake!
We would exchange advice on child care, health, happiness, life philosophies. We would give each other love. We, I at least, LOVED her. I do love her,
even now after I have said good bye. Even now knowing I will never see this person again, I still miss her. I will continue to love this person who
probably hates me for the rest of my life. I hope she doesnt hate me forever.
I know she will never speak to me again. I ended with a silence and she will repay me with the same token. I ended with a silence a day after I
expressed my love to her in a letter with the luxury of detail and intent. I had written her a letter a thousand times saying good bye and always
deleted or tore it up right after. I tried to quit her at first. I couldnt. Instinct took over. The only letter I wrote her and finally gave to her,
was a proclamation of love. Then I left her. I dont yet understand this though it somehow makes sense.
We fought over something, nothing. She was having her worst day, I was planning a harder life for myself, we were in bad shape, I was venting, looking
for a shoulder, and she didnt listen, she needed a shoulder, I felt alone. She was the way she was that morning from a combination of being really
sick from a virus and the current state of her own life. It all boiled into a cold winter Monday morning where we saw the reality of each others
mortality. We saw the flaw in humanity in each other. We werent lovers then. We were two people hurting. She was an unrestrained bitch. I became the
biggest asshole possible.
The point is, we didnt fix it. We broke it. Both of us. We broke our hearts. Willingly.
It was so painful, yet revealing. We couldnt help it. Pain was our choice.
And that is the interesting part. I knew from the get go that an extramarital --what ever this non sexual,friend lover, fever was, I knew that it was
going to hurt in the end.
Now I am hurting, but somewhere I also knew that I wouldnt mind. I dont mind. I actually thank her for making me feel something.
I loved and lost. I overcame my preconceptions and showed myself that it is possible to love two people at once. That once you have truly loved
someone, that loving anyone is not hard. Your heart grows with each person that fills it and breaks it.
Missing anyone is very painful. I was starting to miss my wife and child so much. I didnt realize it then, but I was reaching a breaking point. My
life was so void, so empty without them. It still is. They are still not here. Thanks US immigration.
The thing is I am able to miss them now, because I miss one more person now. This wonderful woman who I will never be with.
I love her. I miss her. I am now stronger and can miss my family. I can survive it better.
I dont know if all this woman got was a broken heart, or if she never really believed that she would end up with me. It was a now thing. A beautiful
I will always have her in my heart. I secretly thank her for making my heart bigger, stronger, harder to fill.
I love my wife. I never stopped loving my wife. This woman knew that.
I never lied to this woman. It is strange. I have lied and will always lie to my wife just by having this inappropriate relationship. I will always
lie to her about it. With this woman, I have no secrets. I have no lies. She knows my wife exists. I never hid a single thing about my family or what
I really feel about them.
She was ok with it. She said she knew that once my wife came here that everything would change. That she would evaluate where things were then. She
just wanted to enjoy this moment, like me.
So now she is gone. I think she hates me. I just disappeared for a week a day after opening my heart to her. All over a fight we both secretly made
and allowed to happen like some form of mercy killing. I sent her a good bye letter. Strange, yet it makes sense.
You never know anything. We dont know
Not about yourself. Not about people or a single person. Not about emotions or any particular psychology or mental trait. Human nature will always
just elude us. We will never know jack about even that. Who we really are.
Get out there. Feel pain, happiness, jealousy, anger, sadness, madness, zen, joy, inner death
"Every time I look to joy, I see it drinking from the cup of sorrow." Or something like that.
Feel something. Dont let yourself grow cold inside. It should burn bright and hot inside you. "Passion" is not a way of thinking. It is a fever. A
sickness. A glorious sickness that cures death like a disease. Live your lives and learn to see beyond loss and victory. See the everything through
you. Use yourself to see hear and feel the world. Not just so that you survive. Live as to thrive.
Be the best you possible. The end result of who you were is what matters, not who you had to become and let die in your life to become him /her. Dont
be afraid to change, or remain firm in anything. In fact never be afraid of anything or anyone.
edit on 3 18 2014 by tadaman because: (no